EX BPD - I want her back :/

[valienty]

Hello
I broke up with my GF, we had a lot of problems. I just found 2 months after breakup that she has BPD.

our last fight involved me telling her mom and her friend about our fight then her friend spread it to everyone and her mom spread it to her dauhters and everyone turned and she felt that she can no longer come back to me. I feel she been looking for reasons all along in the relationship to breakup but here is what i noticed about myself.

1) I was always so loving and emotional
2) I never set boundaries and would always apologize or try fix things
3) I would always talk to her sisters, friend, mom about our issues



She did her fair share of issues along the relationship and we were never able to communicate properly at all due to her BPD which i was not aware of.

Our last breakup was due to me feeling a bit upset at the end of our outng and she asked me why when she got home and I told her it is me, you were perfect, then next day she insisted on finding out.  i told her becauase Im scared we might not get back how used to be after our last breakup and it worries me... .so she got upset and said how she gave up on this relationship, makes her miserable, etc... .she broke up, i tried to fix and not talk to anyone about it for weeks, till i told her best friend her mom... .her best friend told her that i spoke about our problems weeks after, and told all her friends and even her ex found out, and her mom got pissed and upset i would do something like that and told her that he would tell me all details etc... .

I didn't act like a man and wasn't proper, but i was afraid of losing her. but i always respected and loved her and did stuff for her and her mom and family that no one else would do, but they all turned. please help, it has been 2 months since breakup

I recently started getting in touch, but she has been avoiding me. she anaswers the calls, replies on whatsapp and is friendly but when it comes to meeting up she'd postpone, or say maybe tomorrow and never text to confirm or reject you know?

We were so in love and stuff and were looking at a house so we could get married in a year or two etc... .

Idk what to do at this point, No contact wont do **** with her becaue I was so needy and **** up post breakup, starting NC after 2 months and recently asking her to meetup twice isnt exactly best thing.

I feel the best thing to do is to somehow meetup or show up somewhere and talk, tell her how i acknowledge relationship is over, what ahppened, where I went wrong, how i've changed and most importantly how I understand you now, how you saw things and I couldnt see it your way etc... .Like I couldnt see how you were afraid of abandonment or when you got mad it wasnt at me, but rather how you were feeling inside. I will no way tell her you got BPD or something. Then I'll tell her I still care about you and I know chances are I probably wont see you again since it was so hard setting this up, and I want to give your space. I still care about you and if anything this breakup gave me insight about myself and you, and made me grow, It would be nice to get another chance like this, I beleive we could of made it work... .

Then tell her that I waited this long before meeting up and contacting you is because I grew and I'm ready, i didnt want to message you when I'm not ready, if you feel scared and worried but would like to give this another chance, we can go as slow as a turtle and keep it just to ourselves, no one needs to know anything, this is OUR relationship only no one else's and if you want out anytime, no strings attached. Have a couple days to think.

And if she decides on a no, I'll tell her it's okay wish her well, and just remove her, i'd wwant to block her on FB but too much drama, cause i have her sisters and family there too.


The point of all this is I know women especialy BPD fall in love with people they know they can relate to and understand them, make them feel super safe, thing is i also lost her Respect and I think this is the only way to earn it... .to make this move and walk away since i messed up the Post breakup and the reason behind breakup was my fault.


Any advice guys?

Now i now how to deal and i understand the tools, but it is too late ;//

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[Mutt]

Hi valienty,  

I recently started getting in touch, but she has been avoiding me. she anaswers the calls, replies on whatsapp and is friendly but when it comes to meeting up she'd postpone, or say maybe tomorrow and never text to confirm or reject you know?

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily, I think that one of the most important things that my ex and this site taught me is empathy and putting yourself in someone else's shoes in a r/s. It sounds like you want to meet up with her to convince her after you had gone to all of her close r/s's with family member and friends and told them of your problems. I think that it's possible that you want her to ease your feelings of guilt. How do you think that this feels for her?

Granted, you know that you didn't act like a man, I think that it's going end up pushing her away, her avoidance telegraphs that she doesn't want to talk, my advice is give her the space that she needs and instead of trying to convince her with words, do it through your actions. Take this break to do some self work, we can't control someone else, we only have control over two things, our thoughts and feelings That being said, what do you feel needs to be improved in your r/s? How do you feel about her having BPD? Is she diagnosed?

[AustenJ]

Hello, Valienty-


Be thankful for the diagnosis of BPD... .and her discarding of you. You love her but knowing now that she has BPD after the break-up only confirms that your relationship indeed was dysfunctional, in spite of your own character flaws.

Take this time outside of the relationship to reflect on yourself and your needs... .what brings you joy? What hobbies/activities have you set aside to be with her? What friendships can you renew? Take a step back. Perhaps engage a therapist... .

Knowing now that she is BPD should be the biggest red flag for you... .borderlines are incapable of having relationships... .she will only continue to break your heart and tear you apart... .be thankful for this respite and take care of yourself first and foremost

[Meili]

To the contrary complicated, pwBPD are definitely capable of having relationships. They can even have sustainable relationships if they are willing to do the work.

The same goes for breaking the non's heart and tearing the non apart. That is only true if the non allows it to happen, and/or the pwBPD doesn't make an effort to change.

We can protect ourselves from being torn apart and heartbroken by detaching with love, and defining and maintaining healthy boundaries.

That being said, I agree with the rest of the your post. It is good to know what is happening in our lives. Taking care of ourselves first and foremost is highly important. The time outside the relationship can be a huge gift if we use it to work on ourselves.

[valienty]

Hi valienty,  



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily, I think that one of the most important things that my ex and this site taught me is empathy and putting yourself in someone else's shoes in a r/s. It sounds like you want to meet up with her to convince her after you had gone to all of her close r/s's with family member and friends and told them of your problems. I think that it's possible that you want her to ease your feelings of guilt. How do you think that this feels for her?

Granted, you know that you didn't act like a man, I think that it's going end up pushing her away, her avoidance telegraphs that she doesn't want to talk, my advice is give her the space that she needs and instead of trying to convince her with words, do it through your actions. Take this break to do some self work, we can't control someone else, we only have control over two things, our thoughts and feelings That being said, what do you feel needs to be improved in your r/s? How do you feel about her having BPD? Is she diagnosed?

I've worked on myself, I just wanted to tell her I apologise for what happened, I know where I went wrong and now I know how it must of made you feel, I broke the trust we had. And while I understand our relationship is over and in the past, I couldn't help but think of what had gone wrong between us and work on myself before I get in touch with you.

We both were attracted to each other because for the first time we felt like we were someone that we can trust and understand and feel for, first time we felt we weren't an object that was a needed but to be loved. I couldn't understand you and as much as I tried I failed. You, like me are afraid of the future and attachment... .Everytime I had felt that everything was fine I'd panic and a problem would happen, I found comfort in pain or instability sort of, didn't pub feel the same?

Everytime you were upset, I looked at what you were saying when I should of seen what you meant or actually felt, now I do. I get you and understand what you felt.

We both grew in a war zone with our family, and it has been difficult especially on you. Now I understand you, and I'm sorry it took this long. But perhaps this breakup was what we needed so that I could understand and work on myself and same for you.

I guess I'm telling you this because despite the time we had apart for two months and functioning away, I still miss you. We did things for the first time, and shared things we never thought wed share.

I'd like to start a new page with you, take it really slow, not involve families, no commitment, and just see how things go, I know I've enjoyed spending the day with you today as I always have and I'd like to spend more with you and re where that road takes us.

Have a couple days to think, and if you choose it is better for you othereise, I'll respect your decision as an individual and give you the space that you desire

You matter, and in my eyes despite the fact that you think you're difficult and not worth of love, I think you're the most beautiful person out there babe.

That's kind of what I'd like to say, you know... .And give her the space. I wanted to say it face to face... .

But for now should I just text her and tell her I know you need space and when you feel you're ready to meet let me know I'm not mad or upset, it's okay.

Any ideas? I feel I've lost so much power and respect in all of this that I just want to do some good move and walk away. Do you get it?

[valienty]

She will probably not next me next week, we've been broke up for two months. I don't think she'll come back and I think she is doing better now honestly.

What can I do to regain some respect and power back cause I look like a beat up man. I need to regain my voice, power , respect before walking away. Otherwise I'm nothing and still same old emotional needy guy that kept always apologising and talking to her mom and stuff.

So any idea? Next week I can call or voice note or Watsapp text all friendly to tell her

"hey! It has been three weeks! You're greatly missed lady, however I feel that you do not wish to meet up nowadays, and I just wanted to tell you it's okay we can do it anytime, when you're ready let me know!  Have a great day and stay in touch "

I'd like to do something, but personally after a while I won't be able to handle this and I'll have to block her so I can move on. So I really want to do everything I can ://

[mrstring]

"Now i now how to deal and i understand the tools, but it is too late ;//"

Knowing the tools sometimes is not enough. I read plenty on tools and setting boundaries and it did not work. I am not saying this is be pessimistic but to not be too hard on yourself. I am seeing a therapist and read plenty of articles and posted on a few websites, each time thinking I was "ready". When I tried them on her I was over matched and if I started to get a handle on her, she changed the rules.

I totally appreciate that you love her and miss her, I am there myself and I am glad you want her to give you another chance or at least by talking to her to get closure. I applaud that you are working on yourself, if you don't get back with her, you are improving yourself.

Good luck to you. This a great place for support.

[Meili]

Agreed, knowing the tools is not enough. Knowing which tool to utilize at which moment takes a lot of time to learn, and there is no guarantee that any of it will be 100% successful.

Switching tactics when the old tactics no longer work seems to be a fairly typical action. It's like dealing with a young child. When the young child does not get his/her way, he/she may have a tantrum. When that ceases to be effective, the child tries something else. This practice continues until the child finds what works consistently. If the child learns that being loving, caring, and hardworking is what works, that's what the child will do.

We can work our way through the changing tactics, but it can take a lot of personal fortitude and commitment sometimes.