Once you stop focusing on them and start focusing on you...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

... .you are on the road to recovery. I was told that so many times by friends. I had no idea what that meant. 40plus year old man, you would think this would be simple to understand.

Well, I now get it. This week, I have noticed several posts that are exactly where I am at as well. I have stopped looking at her issues (and there are many) and started looking at mine (and there are many of those too.) I realized that I have used relationships, especially with very attractive women as a way to prove that I have worth.

As a kid, I was always trying to get my parents attention. They tried their best, but they are not emotionally connected people. I also did not feel that I was attractive. I knew I was smart and I could work hard and enjoyed the positive attention that came from the compliments about work and school. I craved the attention. I dated some in high school, but I was very stunted emotionally as well.

Fast forward, divorced in my 30's, I then started dating again. And I dated really attractive women who tended to either be emotionally unavailable or needed to be fixed. When the relationship would fail, I could attribute the failure to them. Truth of the matter, they had issues, but I had just as many issues. Now, I am finally facing those issues. Head-on.

I don't want the relationship with my exGF with BPD traits restored, and frankly, for once I am admitting I am not in the right frame of mind to date. I have no idea if/when I will be, but I know I have to get right with myself and find that core inside of me that knows my innate worth. Now, where the heck is it?

It's been an interesting road, and I do think my exGF gave me a gift with the difficult relationship we had. Alongside all of the good times, she finally held up a mirror that truly reflected me in a way that I understand. And that understanding is driving growth. Difficult, but maybe this will finally release those shackles that have held me back from being fully human.

I am the farthest from healthy, but I at least see some light in the tunnel. Thank you to this forum. It has been instrumental in showing me the way.

Now, if I could just get my username to reflect something more positive! Im truly not "anothercasualty" anymore.

[anothercasualty]

... .you are on the road to recovery. I was told that so many times by friends. I had no idea what that meant. 40plus year old man, you would think this would be simple to understand.

Well, I now get it. This week, I have noticed several posts that are exactly where I am at as well. I have stopped looking at her issues (and there are many) and started looking at mine (and there are many of those too.) I realized that I have used relationships, especially with very attractive women as a way to prove that I have worth.

As a kid, I was always trying to get my parents attention. They tried their best, but they are not emotionally connected people. I also did not feel that I was attractive. I knew I was smart and I could work hard and enjoyed the positive attention that came from the compliments about work and school. I craved the attention. I dated some in high school, but I was very stunted emotionally as well.

Fast forward, divorced in my 30's, I then started dating again. And I dated really attractive women who tended to either be emotionally unavailable or needed to be fixed. When the relationship would fail, I could attribute the failure to them. Truth of the matter, they had issues, but I had just as many issues. Now, I am finally facing those issues. Head-on.

I don't want the relationship with my exGF with BPD traits restored, and frankly, for once I am admitting I am not in the right frame of mind to date. I have no idea if/when I will be, but I know I have to get right with myself and find that core inside of me that knows my innate worth. Now, where the heck is it?

It's been an interesting road, and I do think my exGF gave me a gift with the difficult relationship we had. Alongside all of the good times, she finally held up a mirror that truly reflected me in a way that I understand. And that understanding is driving growth. Difficult, but maybe this will finally release those shackles that have held me back from being fully human.

I am the farthest from healthy, but I at least see some light in the tunnel. Thank you to this forum. It has been instrumental in showing me the way.

Now, if I could just get my username to reflect something more positive! Im truly not "anothercasualty" anymore.

[marti644]

anothercasualty,

Thank you for this. This has been my experience too. For too long a dated the same types of people and always blamed them for the end. This last relationship really shook me out of the pattern, and it has been a huge gift. At 31, after a half dozen failed relationships I too for the first time in my life have no interest in dating. I need to figure my own stuff out too. Its a scary but exciting time!

And you're another survivor not a casualty!

[anothercasualty]

anothercasualty,

Thank you for this.

I didn't mention you outright, but your post this week was validation for me. I read it and thought, "holy crap, how did this person get in my head and steal my thoughts".

So, for that, I thank you.

[SuperJew82]

I would agree that I can share your thoughts about this. I feel that I really don't have that much self-worth. I like being valued at work and I want to be liked.

I'm the one who let her do this to me. I'm the one who didn't keep her out of my life. Every time I would kick her to the curb I would be bombarded with hundreds of texts, calls, and even stalking... .she would eventually work her way time and time again into my life. Then I would give her chance after chance.

I should have been stronger. I wasn't prepared, but now I am.

A little over 2 months NC for me... .I'm doing okay, but feel a bit flat. I don't miss her, but I often recall the crappy things she has done to me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey anothercasualty, Agree, marriage to a pwBPD was the crucible for my growth.  It forces one to look at one's own issues.  It's a painful process, but maybe the hard lessons are the best lessons.  :)ivorced three and a half years ago, I'm on the other side now and back on my path.  It's challenging at times, but I don't mind because they are MY challenges.

LuckyJim

[earlyL]

. I don't miss her, but I often recall the crappy things she has done to me.

I feel really similar, I keep worrying though that this is part of the process and am still protecting myself and am going to go through the whole grieving thing again when I do really start to miss her. Do you feel that way at all?

[marti644]

Thanks another casualty!

We're all in this together!

[blueblue12]

I have started to do that, look inside. BUT 6 weeks NC and although have been doing surprisingly well, going to work, weekly therapy, organising lots of dinners for friends, getting in touch with family often, son, sisters, brother, mother niece, nephew... .STILL every morning I wake up and my ex wife of ten years is the first thing that comes to mind! Wow!

And my ex left me, and then I discovered BPD via my therapist, so where can I go from here? Nowhere back really, nothing to fix, nothing I can do, all I can do is move on, which is painful... .it's really hard!

[blueblue12]

And I was going to add, BIG THANKS to everyone in this forum as the reading of everyone's experiences on a daily basis really, really helps the state of mind. Really appreciate it!

[Infern0]

... .you are on the road to recovery. I was told that so many times by friends. I had no idea what that meant. 40plus year old man, you would think this would be simple to understand.

Well, I now get it. This week, I have noticed several posts that are exactly where I am at as well. I have stopped looking at her issues (and there are many) and started looking at mine (and there are many of those too.) I realized that I have used relationships, especially with very attractive women as a way to prove that I have worth.

As a kid, I was always trying to get my parents attention. They tried their best, but they are not emotionally connected people. I also did not feel that I was attractive. I knew I was smart and I could work hard and enjoyed the positive attention that came from the compliments about work and school. I craved the attention. I dated some in high school, but I was very stunted emotionally as well.

Fast forward, divorced in my 30's, I then started dating again. And I dated really attractive women who tended to either be emotionally unavailable or needed to be fixed. When the relationship would fail, I could attribute the failure to them. Truth of the matter, they had issues, but I had just as many issues. Now, I am finally facing those issues. Head-on.

I don't want the relationship with my exGF with BPD traits restored, and frankly, for once I am admitting I am not in the right frame of mind to date. I have no idea if/when I will be, but I know I have to get right with myself and find that core inside of me that knows my innate worth. Now, where the heck is it?

It's been an interesting road, and I do think my exGF gave me a gift with the difficult relationship we had. Alongside all of the good times, she finally held up a mirror that truly reflected me in a way that I understand. And that understanding is driving growth. Difficult, but maybe this will finally release those shackles that have held me back from being fully human.

I am the farthest from healthy, but I at least see some light in the tunnel. Thank you to this forum. It has been instrumental in showing me the way.

Now, if I could just get my username to reflect something more positive! Im truly not "anothercasualty" anymore.

Echos my sentiments exactly.

Age doesnt really matter, i think pretty much all of us on here were at various levels of "not self aware"

As you continue down the road you will reach a stage where you actually dont blame her at all. It happens when you become the guy that it never would have happened to in the first place.

Blame and anger is just misplaced pride. It provides some comfort when we arent yet ready to be accountable and look at ourselves

But its a journey we all go through.

[anothercasualty]

As you continue down the road you will reach a stage where you actually dont blame her at all. It happens when you become the guy that it never would have happened to in the first place.

Amen to the not letting it happen (again). I really fell for this woman even though I saw signs early on. She is very attractive and I ate up the attention from someone so attractive. My self worth was not good at the time. There's one lesson for me.

Blame and anger is just misplaced pride. It provides some comfort when we arent yet ready to be accountable and look at ourselves

And I was blaming her after the first few months of the breakup (even though I did the breaking up). I realized that the focus on her took the focus off of me. Once I started looking at myself objectively, I realized there is a pile of stuff to work through.

Glad to know I am not the only one going through it. Thanks for the replies!

[infjEpic]

And I was blaming her after the first few months of the breakup (even though I did the breaking up).

What do you mean by this?

I realized that the focus on her took the focus off of me. Once I started looking at myself objectively, I realized there is a pile of stuff to work through.

Do you have a therapist to work with?

Reason I ask, is just because - given the type of people we tend to be, care takers and so on - this is a trap we can fall into. And the reason these relationships continue so long for some people

i.e.
believing that the problems are mostly with us, assigning blame to ourselves.

We can go too far the other direction.

You may have some stuff to work on (don't we all), but usually less than we think at the same time.

[Ragnar1982]

InfjEpic: I agree with you 100%. Sure we can on some of the things we did wrong or impulsively, but we cannot allow ourselves to shoulder too much. In my experience, shouldering too much throughout the relationship led me to act impulsively, out of fear and doubt, and was the catalyst for me ending the relationship for good. What I learned from all of this is and my T is that I was driven to act this way at the end, but it is not my true nature. I went into therapy thinking I was the one who had a problem, in addition to my exgf. My T helped me understand that I'm not responsible for other people's behavior or problems, and shouldering those burdens open the door for controlling and abusive behavior from others. I toothought I had "a pile of stuff" to work on. Turns out I'm ok, just need to take what I've learned from this and apply it in the future. When I actually stepped back and tried to recognize my true self again, some of the tension, anxiety, and guilt drifted away. 

[mrstring]

This is where I should be. Very important stuff. I am for the 1st time starting to feel anger towards her, but from what I understand is normal, depending on what I do with it.

[Ragnar1982]

Mrstring: That anger has settled in for me, too. Just recently. I'm going to ride this wave as long as I can. Feeling angry helps reassure me that I do deserve better, I'm not crazy for leaving, nothing was ever going to change or be real, and I was in love with someone who didn't exist. The things I used to make excuses for her about now make me furious. I think the anger is important, so harness it!