Help to understand...

[Shedd]

Ok, so she always flirts with this girl in front of me, and yesterday I had to work with this person.  While we were working together she came up and flirted with her with me right there... . A non would use that as a way to get your attention if they liked you right?

Just not sure why she would be trying to make me jealous when she knows that I would probably take her back in a heartbeat.  

Then, as I was cleaning up I looked up from my spot and we made eye contact and it was like she was watching me.  

I'm not trying to read into this too much, but why would she go out of her way to make me jealous when she knows she has me wrapped around her finger? Is she literally going out of her way to get a reaction out of me to make me upset? 

Oh, and I should probably add that they're not dating. As far as I know... .

[stimpy]

I'm not trying to read into this too much, but why would she go out of her way to make me jealous when she knows she has me wrapped around her finger?

My ex did this after the discard.

The way I see it now, she was trying to provoke me into making the first move, by heightening my emotional state, and by so doing, I would want her to stop her flirting with other guys. And of course, if I go to her, then I'd be in the one down position, and she would be in the one up position, as she can always reject my advance.

So I'd say it is a form of manipulation, to get you to act, and so put her in the control position again.

It's also about testing the waters, testing to see if you're still interested and at the same time enjoying being flirted with by another potential partner.

And finally of course, if you were to re-act there and then, maybe get a bit upset/angry, then she will get a "high" from the drama, and can show to others that you have "issues" and again that puts her in a stronger position.

For her she thinks it's a win-win situation. Trouble is, it is highly disrespectful. Her behaviour was not worthy of taking seriously - my ex is 50 years old, and I think this is the behaviour of a teenager, or maybe even someone younger.

[blueblue12]

I had to put up with that sort of behaviour often, and sometimes I would react other times I would just bite my lip! When I would question behaviour like that, which most of the times was in my mind quite flirtatious, over the top and sometimes I felt purposedly over the top to get me to react, she would let me have it by saying things like "see? You are too jealous and out of control" I started to think it was a major problem I had and I went to therapy.

My therapist who later told me she sounds borderline, didn't look at it as a major issue, he thought her behaviour was disrespectful. It's funny because she would say "I am not the jealous type" but when we first started going out together and I don't know why she forgets the details, she was extremely jealous. My therapist thinks that as a borderline at the beggining they are extremely possessive but once they get their partner involved and they have him/her captured then they change as they go into devaluation stage, so by then they stop caring about you.

But every now and then she would get suspicious and would get a tad jealous, once towards the end of our relationship, we were in a restaurant and she suddenly took my phone (she knew the password) and she went to the toilet for ages and went through all my stuff! Weird behaviour. Now I could never have done that to her though... .I would have been called a crazy jealous lunatic who needed urgent help!

[Shedd]

[quote author=stimpy link=topic=306317.msg12847126#msg12847126 date=1487424321

It's also about testing the waters, testing to see if you're still interested and at the same time enjoying being flirted with by another potential partner.

And finally of course, if you were to re-act there and then, maybe get a bit upset/angry, then she will get a "high" from the drama.




[/quote]

This is very helpful, thank you.  I don't think she saw that I was upset because I wasn't at the time. I was actually smiling because I've never seen her be flirty like that before.  She never did that to me so it was an interesting side. So I don't think i came off upset.

If I was still interested what should be my move? She's leaving work to a diff job do i say goodbye? I don't want to give her any power in this situation so I am playing my moves VERY carefully.  I noticed she unblocked my phone number because I sent a text recently and it said it was delivered, when normally it says "sent as txt msg" and appears green instead of blue... .She didn't respond of course.  I have yet to try to text her again even tho I want to.

I think she is testing me to see if I changed.

[stimpy]

If I was still interested what should be my move?

Quick thought, this is the detaching board, there are other boards that might have people who can better advise you on this.

My own personal view would be to be very careful indeed, whatever you choose to do. For me, no matter how well my ex and I got on, I was not willing to put up with the insults and disrespectful behaviour from her. It is a boundary, and I'm going to stick to it.