BPD older sister

[Owl]

Hello everyone! It's my first post, so it's nice to meet you all. I'll apologize ahead of time for the length of this.

My older sister is uBPD, 4 years older than me at 22, and we both live with our mom. Our dad passed away when we were both very young, and we all experienced emotional abuse under several family members mostly on his side of the family during that hectic time until we cut contact about two years after his passing, withdrawing into a hazy zombie-like lifestyle until we finally pulled ourselves out of it around 6 years later. It was around 12 that I started to realize my sister wasn't acting normally; always so angry, constantly doing a push-pull emotionally with her friends, attacking our mother and I verbally, threw things and punched walls and slammed doors, and being very possessive of me to the point that she'd get horribly upset and mad when I wanted to spend time with my friends instead of her. We had given her time, thinking it was just her getting through the grief, or at least hoping it was.

Once she was almost 18, my mom and I both knew she had a mental illness, but we couldn't figure out what it was. Her anger was worse, easier to trigger, she was always so hurtful that it brought my mom to tears, and she would say things to absolute strangers that were just inappropriate. She became even more possessive and controlling, insulting my best friend to my face to try to provoke me when she was upset, and getting so angry when I wanted to have personal time that I was oversleeping just to avoid her.

At this point in time, she's just as hurtful if not worse, but the one thing I can compare her to most is Sloth. She goes on the computer, talks to her friends while playing video games, and if she's not inside her room then she's sitting in her chair watching TV. My mom had to put her in for jobs because my sister didn't care enough to do it herself, and even then my sister quit the one job my mom got her after a few months. She's still unemployed, refuses to do the chores my mom gave her (she only has to clean dishes and clean the yard as a way of paying rent), and started going to a therapist every other week now mostly because of our doing, but it's as if she's even worse after going because the therapist is doing a "I'm going to disagree with you to understand how you react to conflict" test right now and she's not liking it.

I just don't know what to do. I have extra pressure on me since my sister won't get a job and I'm the only person my mom can rely on, so we're both coming home from work and then getting heaps of stress dumped on us by my sister. We gave her sources of information on BPD so she could understand and try to go on forums like this and have a group that could help support her, but she hasn't tried and it's all just one big mess. I can't and don't really want to lose my relationship with her since she can be an amazing sister when she's not doing the things the illness is making her do, but I don't know what I should do and it's hard to not be affected by what she says and does and it's hurting my mom to see her daughter sabotage her own life.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Owl:  
I'm sorry about your sister.    I have a sister who appears to be a high-functioning BPD.  It has to be tough for you to live with her in the same household and to have to deal with her after a hard day at work.

You can't change her and she has to be the one participating in therapy and getting help.  The one thing you do have control over is yourself, the boundaries you set, the way you communicate with her and react to her.  

A place to start gathering some tools is to go to the wide green band at the very top of this page.  You will find a "Tools" menu there, with a list of tools.  Check out a tool at a time and get familiar with it.  Some people find it helpful to post here to reinforce their understanding and gain some ideas on using the communication tools.  "Setting Boundaries" might be a good tool to start with.

Can you give some examples of some of the things you encounter with her, when you get home from work?  What is a boundary you could set?

[Owl]

Thank you. It really is. I’m also sorry to hear about your sister. It’s hard, as you can imagine, to watch these things happen to someone you grew up with. I really wish I could do more for her.

I appreciate the tools. I have a lot of reading to do! Regarding examples, well, there’s quite a bit I can offer. When I get home it’s tense; you never know when what you do is going to send her into a rage or make her cry. Usually she wants me in my chair watching whatever she puts on TV immediately, before I’ve even gotten my jacket off, and will become despondent if you don’t want to watch what she puts on, which also counts for when she wants to play a video game with me. She’s notorious for telling us how tired she is, even when we come home from overtime, and will almost always ask if we’re going to go to a drive through to get her a drink.

One night I had gotten home and reheated our Christmas leftovers for dinner for myself and I had taken what was left of the mashed potatoes. Next thing I know, after I’m done eating, she opens the fridge and gets angry because she had wanted some for herself, so she makes some scalding comments at me and slams the door to her room. I didn’t think it was a big problem because I was going to make more fresh for New Year’s eve, an explanation which only made her angrier. I still don't understand why that made her so mad.

My mom and I have become more assertive with her, telling her no and not budging if we don't want to do something in my case, but trying to communicate with her to set boundaries leads nowhere as she shuts down or heads to her room. It’s a dead end because she thinks we’re criticizing her or attacking her, and speaking calmly to her agitates her more. I can’t think of any other approach to take to get our message across to her without pushing a button. Opening up emotionally about how we feel by the way we're treated is met with similar disregard and coldness. We really just want to be treated decently, like actual family instead of like we're a bunch of strangers harassing her by wanting to watch the news instead of a comedy, and it's frustrating.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Owl:   

My mom and I have become more assertive with her, telling her no and not budging if we don't want to do something in my case, but trying to communicate with her to set boundaries leads nowhere as she shuts down or heads to her room.   

She generally won't like boundaries, but if you apply them consistently, it can make a difference for you and your mom.

If your sister goes to her room or becomes silent, do you see that as a problem?  When you enforce boundaries, the person with BPD won't like them.  If you enforce them consistently, she will have a choice to eventually accept the boundaries.  When you say she shuts down, does that mean "the silent treatment"?

Is it possible to get your sister a TV for her room?  Then she can watch what she wants.  Can she go to her room and stream something on an ipad, tablet or computer?

Perhaps the excerpts from the Psychology Today article below might give you some ideas:

6 Tips for Managing Life With a Control Freak

What can you do if you live with a controlling person?

Realize that it’s about their anxiety. Saying to yourself (a lot) that it’s anxiety that is the real problem can help you feel less victimized, less like being treated like a 10-year-old or being scolded.

Talk about anxiety. Rather than getting caught up in how ridiculous or controlling your partner's behaviors are, ask instead about what they’re worried about. You want to sidestep that “You’re controlling," “You’re not responsible” power-to-power dispute about whose reality is right. The control is about them; it's their solution to anxiety, and you’re helping them with their problem.

Give them a heads-up on changes. If you are thinking of having your brother over on Saturday, bring it up, say, Wednesday or Thursday. Just throw it out there to suggest your partner "just think about it.” This gives the other person time to readjust his or her weekend plans and emotionally settle and think about it with time to spare. Ditto if you are running late, etc.—give as much advance warning as possible to help with expectations and transitions.

Decide on your own limits. If you partner wants you to sterilize the entire kitchen after you’ve made dinner or fold underwear in a precise four-step process, decide on what you can comfortably be willing to do. The mindset again is deciding how you can be sensitive to his or her anxiety, rather than falling into the feeling that you are being treated like a child, one who lives with an unreasonable parent. State your limits clearly and calmly.

Have straight-ahead conversations about what bothers you. Is it too much backseat driving, too much advice not asked for, or too rigid a Saturday routine? Try to have a reasoned, adult conversation about these issues—not when you're frustrated or he or she is irritable, but when you're not. Again, avoid drama—instead, ask about what the other's worries are, and see if you can reach a plan for agreeable compromises.

Consider counseling. If you can’t have these sane adult conversations—if you’re too skittish to bring things up or if the conversation goes Jerry Springer too quickly—consider counseling, even for just a few sessions, to help navigate these issues in a safer environment.

All of this obviously is easier to say than do, but like a lot of relationship problems it’s about seeing the possible problem under the problem, choosing to react differently, and being adult, all without the expectation that the other will magically change, but because you care about the other person, and because you are doing the best you can do.

One night I had gotten home and reheated our Christmas leftovers for dinner for myself and I had taken what was left of the mashed potatoes. Next thing I know, after I’m done eating, she opens the fridge and gets angry because she had wanted some for herself, so she makes some scalding comments at me and slams the door to her room. I didn’t think it was a big problem because I was going to make more fresh for New Year’s eve, an explanation which only made her angrier. I still don't understand why that made her so mad.   

I'm thinking your mom may need to enforce a boundary about slamming the door. Sounds like nothing will please your sister.  The only thing to do is to keep enforcing boundaries, and stay strong.  You may get more yelling for awhile, before you see any change.

Some of the boundaries will be up to your mom to enforce.  The issues with chores, looking for employment, will need to come from your mom.  Unless your mom sets some boundaries about chores and a job, you sister could just stay in her room and play video games for the rest of her life.

The information at the links below, might help explain some of your sister's behavior

FAMILIAR FIGHTS

A THEORY ON THE PATTERN OF BLAME

[Owl]

If your sister goes to her room or becomes silent, do you see that as a problem?  When you enforce boundaries, the person with BPD won't like them.  If you enforce them consistently, she will have a choice to eventually accept the boundaries.  When you say she shuts down, does that mean "the silent treatment"?

Is it possible to get your sister a TV for her room?  Then she can watch what she wants.  Can she go to her room and stream something on an ipad, tablet or computer?

We see it as a problem especially when she goes to her room, but in general we see it as a problem because we like to smooth things out quickly so they aren’t wrinkles in the relationship later. She does use the silent treatment as a sort of go-to, but sometimes she just… literally shuts down, like she disconnects from the situation.

When it comes down to enforcing boundaries, I’m still a bit confused about how to specifically approach that in the manner described by the prior resource. For example, regarding the door, are we supposed to say “I don’t slam doors, and I expect the same from you”?

She has a phone, a computer, a TV and several gaming consoles and numerous ways to stream things. It’s less of her wanting the TV because it’s the only thing with that capability and more that she wants us to be there, she wants us watching it. I don’t know if it’s because that’s what she thinks is the only way to spend time with us or what.

I'm thinking your mom may need to enforce a boundary about slamming the door. Sounds like nothing will please your sister.  The only thing to do is to keep enforcing boundaries, and stay strong.  You may get more yelling for awhile, before you see any change.

Some of the boundaries will be up to your mom to enforce.  The issues with chores, looking for employment, will need to come from your mom.  Unless your mom sets some boundaries about chores and a job, you sister could just stay in her room and play video games for the rest of her life.

My mom, though I know it’s on her, is so stressed out by trying to avoid conflict due to having it so much that I don’t want to have to leave it to her. She has her own boundaries set up, such as no longer taking my sister out to get fast food, so she’s not unwilling to put up more, but she has an anxiety disorder and the conflict, particularly the conflict between my sister and I, leaves her very bleak and upset.

My mom has also communicated to my sister that she won’t purchase things for her like, say, you would toys for a child, and that my sister will have to get a job if she wants something. Whether my sister thinks she’ll follow through on that is yet to be seen as she hasn’t asked for anything yet. But the problem with her getting a job is that she won’t put in all of her effort and that her attitude problems, as said by her former employer, will get her fired quickly, and she hasn’t made any attempts to find a job herself. She'll only accept a job, by her requirements, if she doesn't have to talk or be around people or deal with fast food.

Once again, thank you for the help. You don't know how much I appreciate it.

[Panda39]

When it comes down to enforcing boundaries, I’m still a bit confused about how to specifically approach that in the manner described by the prior resource. For example, regarding the door, are we supposed to say “I don’t slam doors, and I expect the same from you”?

Try communicating the boundary using SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) and also have consequences for boundary busting.

Below are some links to further information on SET and boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a104.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Pay attention to your sister... .what is leading up to the door slamming?  What do you think she's feeling and why? Acknowledge/validate her feelings.  This isn't about validating the bad behavior but is validating the feelings she is having that lead to the behavior.

Try something like... .I want to help you feel less upset and can see you're feeling frustrated with me because I can't watch TV with you right now but I don't slam doors and I expect the same from you.  If you continue to slam the door I will take your phone away for a day or shut off the internet for a day or whatever.  (Use language that feels most natural to you... .SET takes practice)

She like a child that doesn't get the candy they want will probably have a temper tantrum... .you may have to enforce the boundary several times and endure several tantrums before she gets the message.  Once you set the boundary you have to be consistent in your enforcement of it.  If she throws a tantrum and you back down she has learned if she throws a big enough tantrum she will get what she wants.

You might also suggest your mom visit our site we have a board for the parents of BPD children that could offer her support.  With you both here you can learn the same language and be on the same page when working on issues surrounding your sister.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Owl]

She like a child that doesn't get the candy they want will probably have a temper tantrum... .you may have to enforce the boundary several times and endure several tantrums before she gets the message.  Once you set the boundary you have to be consistent in your enforcement of it.  If she throws a tantrum and you back down she has learned if she throws a big enough tantrum she will get what she wants.

You might also suggest your mom visit our site we have a board for the parents of BPD children that could offer her support.  With you both here you can learn the same language and be on the same page when working on issues surrounding your sister.

That really cleared it up for me, thanks! Some of this stuff can be a bit confusing. I suggested that to my mom and she made an account, so we'll be working together from now on. Thank you, Panda!

[Panda39]

Glad I could help 

It's great that your mom has joined us too!  I'm here because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) we are both members and it really helped us to have a place to work things through, learn better ways of interacting with the ex, help support his daughters... .as well as a place to talk and vent individually.  It allowed us to develop strategies together that support his daughters. 

Your mom joining you here will help you speak the same language and create a consistent strategy in terms of dealing with your sister.  I think she like all of us here will find she is not alone... .having support is so important.

While I'm here I wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item listed is a link to more information you might want to check out the "Lessons" section when you have time.  (The Parent of a BPD Child board will also have a box like this that your mom can check out)

Panda39

[Owl]

I'm glad that you both have strategies figured out! I can't imagine the difficulties, especially since you were raising children in the midst of it. It's kind of a shock to see how many people are affected by BPD in their lives, considering I always thought my mom and I were alone with my sister.  You're also definitely right about having support, just reaching out in this thread lifted a weight off my shoulders. And I'm grateful for the tips, my mom and I are going to be pretty occupied!