Introduction: Elderly Mother Moved Close, Now Wants To Move Back

[hikergirl]

Hi everyone!
    I happened on the book Stop walking on Eggshells just yesterday on hoopla- was an intriguing  title to me- knew nothing about BPD . I have been walking on eggshells  for the past 16 months  since my 85 year old mother came to live in my town- all the way across the country. My sister and I felt she might do "better" here in a warmer climate and with a"Christian" family.(My sis converted to Judaism 30 yrs ago) It was totally her decision to move, but it has turned out to be a total disaster! I recently told her off telling her in an email saying that I refuse to tolerate her behavior- that I felt she was verbally and emotionally abusive to me.  I told her that since she is here with no other family and no transportation I would honor my commitment  to  provide that to shopping and appointments.
   She states now she is moving back on March 30. That date cannot come too soon for me!  just trying to heal myself- manage my stress, blood pressure and come to some sort of understanding about what has happened here! Thanks for listening!

[Turkish]

Not even hearing specific details, this sounds very stressful.  85 isn't young,  but it sounds like your mother is independent still enough to make decisions.  What predicated she moving closer,  and how do you think things will go for her if she moves back?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome hikergirl:     

The book, "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" has help many of us to start putting the pieces of a relationship puzzle together. 

Will she be moving in March to close to your sister again?  Has your mom had a history of bad behavior?  Are you able to share some specific examples of her behavior/comments?

The only think you have control over is the way you communicate with your mom and how you react to her.  There are a lot of good communication lessons/tools here.  They can help make things easier for you.  A good place to start, is to to the the large green band at the top of this page and find the "Tools" menu.  Within that menu, there are several links to lessons.

We look forward to hearing more of your story.  Perhaps we can recommend some specific links that can help your immediate situation.

[hikergirl]

My mother does have memory issues, but is generally able to make her own decisions. One main factor for her move here was the weather- she lived in the Midwest with harsh winters. I live in Arizona where the winters are lovely but  the summers are very hot. We tried to warn her that it takes time to adapt.  Our thought was to move here so that she can be around family and be able to live independently with assistance as she ages. Also my spouse and I are retired and can provide more assistance. We found an  apartment 1.5 miles from our home - we searched exhaustively to find a nice place within her budget. Mother refused to look at any other apartments when she arrived, to make sure this was the right place for her. Now she says its the worse place ever.
We included Mother in family activities, but then she told us she hates kids- we have 6 grandsons and do a lot of kid oriented activities; also we take care of our 2 youngest ones 4 days per week. So even though it limits time we can spend with her when kids are around, we could do things with her if we schedule. She has put so many limitations on things she wants to do with with us, so that makes it more difficult!
 She says it is not  my fault she wants to return. She says she wants to return to a place that is "greener".
 When she moves back, she will be on her own-  the new apartment that she chose online is even farther from where my sister lives. She does not speak to sis anyway- for a million reasons. I think she will be ok for a while till there is some crisis- then she will call Sis when she is desperate- that has been the pattern over the years!

[hikergirl]

Mother has had exhibited bad behavior over the years- She had affairs for years. She says my father could not satisfy her sexually from early in their marriage. they divorced at one point, but she  always went  back to dad. Said she stayed for the pension money. She even had her boyfriend at the funeral!
 She alienated all of her 4 kids at one time or another. I was always the favorite- I think  because I was so far away and our relationship has been superficial for the last 40 years. Right now, she is communicating with my brother- only for the past year; but she did not speak to him for years.

She is terrible with money- bankruptcy a few times- This move will end up taking all the money she has left!
I could go on and on- I have never been insulted and berated as I have been in the last 16 months! Nothing I do is right- seems hopeless!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Hikergirl:  
Sounds like you made your best effort to help your mother settle in Arizona.  She has to be responsible for her own decisions.  

Said she stayed with my dad for the pension money. . .She is terrible with money- bankruptcy a few times- This move will end up taking all the money she has left! I could go on and on- I have never been insulted and berated as I have been in the last 16 months! Nothing I do is right- seems hopeless!

Sounds like she applied a similar strategy with your father. (nothing anyone does is right or enough).  Wow, that was awful to bring her boyfriend to your father's funeral.  That had to be difficult for you and your siblings. (even if everyone was aware of her affairs)

You say the place she is moving to will be farther away from your sister (who she doesn't talk to until she has an emergency).  How far away will the next closest child be?  :)oes she have friends in the area she is moving to?

At 85, It will only be a matter of time, until she needs some help with something.  Is your sister willing to keep rescuing her, as emergencies occur?

[hikergirl]

 Yes – my sister will rescue mother if needed. There are no other siblings in the area.  She keeps alienating everyone – no close friends really. She openly states that she is smarter than most people,so she tires of acquaintances rather quickly.  People are of no use to her unless they can do something for her! The whole point of my mother moving here was to help her as she ages and needs more assistance,  but I guess that is off the table now!  I don't mean to be morbid but I can only hope she dies in her sleep before her health really deteriorates.  She could never live with me – my marriage would not survive that.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I don't mean to be morbid but I can only hope she dies in her sleep before her health really deteriorates.  She could never live with me – my marriage would not survive that.

I understand      A peaceful and sudden death can be a blessing for all.  Lingering in a nursing facility, for the last few years, just enduring your last days is not something most people would want.  My mom had a tough last 6 months of her life.  She had several episodes of hallucinations (due to 3 rounds with sepsis).  She kept saying she wanted someone to shoot her.  During a lucid moment, she indicated that she always though she would just die suddenly in her sleep one day.

Has your mom prepared paperwork for a financial and medical power of attorneys?  Just mentioning it, as life will be easier for you and you and your siblings, if that paperwork is thought through and prepared before it is needed

Sounds like you have done the best you can.  Hopefully that will bring you some comfort.

 

[hikergirl]

 My mother had named me as POA- I am sure that has changed! Even if she has not, I would not make any medical decisions for her   She has no money to speak of.  At one point I was named   on her bank account and had a debit card for purchases to make in her behalf, but she cancelled it after I made an innocent comment! She then offered to give it back to me, but I refused to take it. She said I was named as beneficiary, but I am sure she has changed that by now!

 Thank you to all of you have replied! It is a comfort to know that  there are folks who really understand what I am going through.  I don't know if my mother has BPD-   but with  what I have read in the past few days,  the description fits her  perfectly!

Right now, we have had no contact in about a week- on one hand its nice not have the drama; but it makes me nervous every time my phone rings or I check my email! I am working toward only checking it once daily, which limits the anxiety. I am thinking this is a test run for her- managing everything  by herself, which is what she will do when(if) she moves!

My plan is to keep educating myself about strategies to deal with mother more effectively. She may not actually go. She did this around Christmas time also, but seems to moving forward in more concrete terms this time- contacting a moving company, etc.  It is disconcerting not knowing what she will will do!

[Naughty Nibbler]

My mother had named me as POA- I am sure that has changed! Even if she has not, I would not make any medical decisions for her   

If you definitely don't want to be the one to make medical decisions for your mom, should the need arise, you might want to pass the designation along to a willing sibling. You can have one sibling the official medical POA, but agree that some or all siblings will confer, before decisions are made. 

My uBPD sister and I jointly had to exercise medical and financial POA's for our parents.  You never know what might happen towards the end of your mom's life.  My mom went to the hospital first.  Within a week of that, my dad fell and broke his neck.  We had both parents hospitalized at the same time.  Both were mentally competent before hospitalization, but the unique situations with both of them individually, required us to make their medical decision for both of them.

It can be a lot easier for you and your siblings to have an understanding in advance about who is named on any POA's and to have a copy on hand.  Hopefully, you never have to use them, but it's not pleasant to have a parent in the hospital, be advised that someone needs to step in to make decisions, but not be prepared.

[hikergirl]

Thanks for the information!