My goal is to go a full day without thinking about it.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I would like to ask, do you continue to think about your ex and the events?
How frequently?

My goal is to go a full day without thinking about it.
Have many of you gotten to that point & how long did it take?

[infjEpic]

I would like to ask, do you continue to think about your ex and the events?
How frequently?

My goal is to go a full day without thinking about it.
Have many of you gotten to that point & how long did it take?

[jarrad2121]

6 months absolutely NC here.  I still think of her every single day, but not in ways that are really harmful to my emotional well-being anymore.  I might have one day like that every 3 weeks or so, but those moments are fleeting now.  When I do have a day like that, I remain totally baffled at what happened to me with her.  How I let things get so out of hand.  How I kept going back and back and back, only to be the recipient of more punishment that was worse every time.  Why I allowed myself to be treated in such a manner.  When I think about the minutia of how things went down with us, it actually seems crazy now.  But on those days when it really hits me, I won't lie... .there are still those pangs of missing her.  What I'm missing, I really don't know anymore.  I suspect its just the remaining fall out of being emotionally tied and subsequently scarred from being with a BPD for almost 3 years.  But hear this... .95% of days I'm just fine.  I can see clearly her treatment of me and there's rarely those "fantasy" moments of her anymore.  Time heals.  So does a lot of praying and soul searching while you're healing.  Hang in there!

[Mutt]

Hi infjEpic,

Hey, I just noticed that tomorrow will be exactly 4 years since the event, the day that she moved out with the kids and I stayed in our place and about 3 weeks after that, she came out with her boyfriend. Do I still think about that day? Not really, but I do think about her sometimes and how I can't trust her, sometimes I don't think about the disorder and I have to remind myself that she's always dependent, she's looking for a care taker. My S5 last week is trying to do matchmaking with mom and dad and wants me to go over to his house .

How long did it take to get there? That's kind of a loaded question because I think that it was quite the process to get here, it's not a normal break-up if you detach and move out of the caretaker role because the change that you go through is the real you that comes out, I think that you need to have a support group like us to give you a realistic and positive reflection of yourself, many of us here were getting a negative reflection from our pwBPD and perhaps before that from our FOO.

Also you should go and see a T and surround yourself with healthier people that can be a positive model for you to learn about r/s's, I mean if you caretaker type by the way and not everyone on this board is that type. I'd say that it took me about three years, last year around this time of the year were I felt like I finally came out of grieving the loss and started positive changes in my life and she's not on my mind day to day, sometimes she pops but I think that it will probably be there to a degree always because of how traumatic these break-ups can be but it doesn't dominate your thoughts or your life. I almost forgot, I have been in minimal contact for about three and half years, I can't go NC due to children.

[Pretty Woman]

I am two years out of a four year, very loaded relationship.

I still think of her everyday because I was replaced and she is still with this person. I too, hope for a day I don't think of her, however I think things are MUCH better. I don't obsess over her and I can function normally again. It took a good year.

[Sunfl0wer]

It has been about 2 yrs since we split.
I am not sure measuring how often we think of our ex is as telling as measuring how that now affects us.

What I mean is, sure my ex pops into my head often.  :)aily for sure.  Usually this is not painful at all. I drive through the town we lived in, and lots of things I just associate with him.  I have no intention of making it a goal to not have him come across my mind.  If I hear info from the country he is from, naturally, I am likely always going to think of him and such. (He is the only person I have known from that country, and we traveled there.) Also, certain songs on the radio, I will likely always associate with him, heck, a whole darn genre of music reminds me of him!

Maybe detaching is still a goal for you?

With farther detaching, the thoughts of my ex are not gut wrenching, emotionally painful ones.  They do not tear into my heart at thinking of him.  My goal is that he will be a memory, just like most memories.  I just don't like it when it triggers a stab of grief or other hurt, which really happens about once a week or so, and only lasts usually 3 mins.  

(Certainly I want it not to hurt at all, am working on this eventually in T, but that is on the back burner and likely will resolve with my general trauma work.)

Oh, in terms of thinking about the events, not really.
I ruminated over all that the beginnings of that first year.
I feel like I have processed as much of it as I can.  Occasionally something will come up in life that reminds me of an event with my ex, as I learn and grow, I find my brain may want to temporarily revisit an event (really any past event having to do with anyone too) so as to reprocesss it with more mature eyes.  This feels ok to me, is useful to me.

(I don't really get "stuck" there in those thoughts anymore, just kinda touch on them.)

[joeramabeme]

I would like to ask, do you continue to think about your ex and the events?
How frequently?

My goal is to go a full day without thinking about it.
Have many of you gotten to that point & how long did it take?

Hey infjEpic

Good question, I may be Gaslighting myself but I think I have been a whole day without thinking about her, but maybe I haven't.   

I am a little over 1 year divorced from an 11 year marriage.  I still think about her almost daily but the nature of my thoughts have changed as well as the duration, frequency and intensity.

My thoughts now usually revolve around unanswered and painful questions.  I have also noticed that there are certain triggers for me.  For example, dining at a restaurant we frequented, a failed dating experience, a personal achievement that she would have cheer-leaded me for, getting older as a single guy etc.

I understand the literature pretty well now and that has taken me up to a certain point of healing.  But there are still lingering questions that don't fit neatly.  Some of those questions I have had have lead me to believing that she simply made a decision to not work on certain things that were scary and it was "safer" for her to leave them (and me) then to face some of the challenges that being married brought about. 

A term I have been using lately that I really like is "blind spots".  The term describes components/behaviors of our lives that we simply cannot see clearly - for whatever the reason may be.  My ex simply had a blind-spot that she could not see.  Although there are no blanket statements that provide my mind with the ability to just let it all go, the blind-spot idea helps me to realize that she simply could not see what she could not see and so she operated from a completely different understanding and set of assumptions.  If she could see how her words were hurtful, her actions painful she might have been able to ask why do I do this... .  Instead, we are left asking those questions of our exes and picking up fragmented pieces and trying to piece them together into a mosaic of the past r/s.

infjEpic, I have seen a lot of progress in your recovery and healing.  It really is a process and it shifts with time as you see the context of what happened through a different lens.  Questions linger, thoughts will likely continue to linger but slowly it shifts.  I am sure that you will be continuing to improve as time goes by.

Best, JRB

[once removed]

I am not sure measuring how often we think of our ex is as telling as measuring how that now affects us.

i agree. i just hit the six year removed mark myself. the relationship and the person are old news. at the same time, its one of the hardest things i ever went through, and i will always be proud that i did, and the lessons i gained from the relationship and from this site, im confident will be with me for the rest of my life.

im here nearly every day, so it would be impossible for me to not think of her or the relationship in some way shape or form. thats different, i think, from consciously reflecting on her/the relationship, which i do from time to time.

the final stage of detachment - freedom - is when thinking about your loss doesnt interfere with your normal feelings of well-being. ever heard the old axiom "dont think of an elephant, dont think of an elephant"? we can make conscious efforts to limit thinking that interferes with our well-being, and if need be, we should. but to a certain extent, the harder you try not to think of something, the more you are thinking of it.

creating new memories, building a brighter future, going on to healthier relationships, all of these things will shift your focus, and thoughts of the loss no longer interfering with your normal feelings of well-being will occur naturally.

[infjEpic]

Very helpful replies, Thanks to everyone for responding.

I find I move into and out of detachment. Sometimes I feel quite 'over it'.
Other times I am less so.
There is never a fear that I will recommence with her.
It's more to do with anger and revenge. And the sexual aspect.

Today is the one year anniversary of the BPD relationship. I fully expected it to be on my mind today.
I've thought about this day for months.


Brief history:
2004 - 2007; 3 year relationship with a mildly disordered woman. My first serious relationship. First time being in love
2007- October 2015; 9 years relationship with a non-disordered woman.
20 Feb to 25th June 2016 ; BPD relationship (some recycling followed, before I went full NC on 22nd July)

It only lasted 126 days.
Today is also - 126 days - that I am in a "new" relationship. ( I recommenced with my 9 year ex, who matured during the year we were in NC)
I don't actually believe this is coincidence.
I was neither religious nor superstitious before, but I cannot help feel that this was somehow planned.

Oct 15th 2016 - my BPDex had been stalking me, attempted to recycle me, admitted relationship with replacement had failed.
I got a form of closure from this.
I re-commenced my relationship with my 9 year ex on the 17th October.

I'm about 8 months in NC now. With an exception... .I've been violating the NC rule recently.
I've been checking my ex's social media. She has been lashing out at me (but clever in how she does it).
My family want me to sue for defamation. I don't think there is anything to work with.

I see there is a new guy trying to win her favour.
Bought her flowers for Valentines. She made this public on Facebook.
I was struggling with the need to warn him, until I saw her degrade and mock his attempts on Instagram.

I don't think he is on her instagram. I feel compelled to reach out and warn him, - I can do this through a mutual friends -  but would he listen?

Would I have listened? Unlikely. But it feels scummy to let someone else walk into a minefield, with no warning.


Hi Jarrad

6 months absolutely NC here.

I'm at 8 months NC I think.

I still think of her every single day, but not in ways that are really harmful to my emotional well-being anymore.

Similar to me I think.
I don't have the emotional intensity I used to have. Apart from days like today.

  I might have one day like that every 3 weeks or so, but those moments are fleeting now.  When I do have a day like that, I remain totally baffled at what happened to me with her.

I don't feel baffled.
I realise my own mistakes.
I was vulnerable and lonely. She was a wonderful antidote. For a while.

How I let things get so out of hand.  How I kept going back and back and back, only to be the recipient of more punishment that was worse every time.  Why I allowed myself to be treated in such a manner.  When I think about the minutia of how things went down with us, it actually seems crazy now. 

I feel quite resolved about this.
I understand the dynamic.

I actually got out really fast compared to most people I've read about.

I needed to believe she was damaged beyond all repair before I could go full NC.

I took her back after false domestic violence allegations. I don't beat myself up over that tho.
I'm resolved about why I acted how I did.

But on those days when it really hits me, I won't lie... .there are still those pangs of missing her. 

I rarely miss her.

The only thing I miss is the sex.

She's actually a really horrible, vindictive person. It's enough to look at her social media and see who she is attacking next.

I'm really struggling with the sexual aspect in my current relationship tho. That doesn't help.

What I'm missing, I really don't know anymore.  I suspect its just the remaining fall out of being emotionally tied and subsequently scarred from being with a BPD for almost 3 years.  But hear this... .95% of days I'm just fine.  I can see clearly her treatment of me and there's rarely those "fantasy" moments of her anymore.  Time heals.  So does a lot of praying and soul searching while you're healing.  Hang in there!

I was only with her for 4 months. It was incredibly intense tho.
It's over twice as long as it lasted now.

She continues to lash out at me on social media from time to time. Just recently a few days ago.

I know I'm violating NC by monitoring her social media.
Sometimes I rise above the anger, sometimes I get stuck back on it.


Thanks for your reply.

[once removed]

I know I'm violating NC by monitoring her social media.

NC is one tool of many, not a rule . youre not violating anything if its what you want to do. of course that doesnt make doing so healthy, necessarily. i check my exes page occasionally - not much to see. im a nosy guy, and shes not unique to that  

as for warning the new guy, you have to ask yourself if youre prepared to follow her and warn everyone she meets. not only can you not save everyone, but this expends your energy as far as the things you can control. hes an adult, as we all are.

[infjEpic]

Hi Mutt

Hi infjEpic,

Hey, I just noticed that tomorrow will be exactly 4 years since the event,

That's actually quite reassuring.

the day that she moved out with the kids and I stayed in our place and about 3 weeks after that, she came out with her boyfriend. Do I still think about that day? Not really, but I do think about her sometimes and how I can't trust her, sometimes I don't think about the disorder and I have to remind myself that she's always dependent, she's looking for a care taker. My S5 last week is trying to do matchmaking with mom and dad and wants me to go over to his house .

You're very strong.
Cannot imagine how much more difficult it would be with kids... .

My ex tried to get pregnant by stopping her pill in secret, but I'm a long time PED user, so that was near impossible.
Only made sense in retrospect, what she was doing.
She still threatened fake pregnancy and then suicide.

How long did it take to get there? That's kind of a loaded question because I think that it was quite the process to get here, it's not a normal break-up if you detach and move out of the caretaker role because the change that you go through is the real you that comes out, I think that you need to have a support group like us to give you a realistic and positive reflection of yourself, many of us here were getting a negative reflection from our pwBPD and perhaps before that from our FOO.

I had no real support at all when it ended.

I was the caretaker in my two previous relationships, so - if I'm honest, I probably felt less of a caretaker in the BPD relationship, than any of the previous ones.

Actually, this was part of what threw me.
I was on the lookout for red flags - 'Gold Digger' Red Flags.
I didn't find them, and was totally unaware of Cluster B. In retrospect, I realise my first serious GF had some Cluster B traits. I didn't have a label or understanding of it until last year tho.

Also you should go and see a T and surround yourself with healthier people that can be a positive model for you to learn about r/s's, I mean if you caretaker type by the way and not everyone on this board is that type. I'd say that it took me about three years, last year around this time of the year were I felt like I finally came out of grieving the loss and started positive changes in my life and she's not on my mind day to day, sometimes she pops but I think that it will probably be there to a degree always because of how traumatic these break-ups can be but it doesn't dominate your thoughts or your life. I almost forgot, I have been in minimal contact for about three and half years, I can't go NC due to children.

After the end of my 9 year relationship - I blomossed.
I suppose I had a feeling of 'finally arriving' when I started with my BPD ex.

After that ended, I also began to blossom about 4 months into NC.
I still feel thoughts of her are too prevalent to be healthy tho. Especially in my 'alone time'.
Plus I'm in a new relationship.

I have a therapist, he has been great, really helped me up until 2 months ago.

What he says makes sense - it was a super emotional time of my life.
He doesn't really seem to have the answers to guide me with this issue tho - why she continues to dominate my thoughts.

Thanks for your reply

[infjEpic]

Hi Pretty Woman

I am two years out of a four year, very loaded relationship.

I still think of her everyday because I was replaced and she is still with this person. I too, hope for a day I don't think of her, however I think things are MUCH better. I don't obsess over her and I can function normally again. It took a good year.

Sounds similar to me I think, although given the timeframes involved, I would expect you to ruminate.

My BPDex only lasted 2 months with my replacement. I took schadenfreude in this. I detest cheating.

Thanks for your reply

[infjEpic]

Hi SunFl0wer

It has been about 2 yrs since we split.
I am not sure measuring how often we think of our ex is as telling as measuring how that now affects us.

Good point.
I suppose the fact that I continue to think of her/the events bother me - even tho it's not really emotionally intense.
I know that it will take more time and I suppose I try to quantify it as a result

What I mean is, sure my ex pops into my head often.  :)aily for sure.  Usually this is not painful at all. I drive through the town we lived in, and lots of things I just associate with him.  I have no intention of making it a goal to not have him come across my mind.  If I hear info from the country he is from, naturally, I am likely always going to think of him and such. (He is the only person I have known from that country, and we traveled there.) Also, certain songs on the radio, I will likely always associate with him, heck, a whole darn genre of music reminds me of him!

Kind of the reverse here.
My BPDex is the only person of my nationality I've ever had a serious relationship with, LOL!

Even songs I used to associate with her - even that connection seems to have dimmed a lot for me.

Maybe detaching is still a goal for you?

Kind of depends what week you ask me.
Sometimes I'm detached, other times I'm angry.

With farther detaching, the thoughts of my ex are not gut wrenching, emotionally painful ones.  They do not tear into my heart at thinking of him.  My goal is that he will be a memory, just like most memories.  I just don't like it when it triggers a stab of grief or other hurt, which really happens about once a week or so, and only lasts usually 3 mins.  

I don't think I even get that stab of grief really. Maybe about sex... .not sure... .

I genuinely don't like her as a person, and she attempted to run me over on the 25th of August.

I struggle more with anger and retribution I think

Sometimes I'm frustrated that my thoughts revolve around ways to hurt her back - that means she is still in control, to some extent.


Thanks for your reply

[infjEpic]

Hi JRB:)

Hey infjEpic

Good question, I may be Gaslighting myself but I think I have been a whole day without thinking about her, but maybe I haven't.   

 

I am a little over 1 year divorced from an 11 year marriage.  I still think about her almost daily but the nature of my thoughts have changed as well as the duration, frequency and intensity.

Long timeframe again.

My thoughts now usually revolve around unanswered and painful questions.  I have also noticed that there are certain triggers for me.  For example, dining at a restaurant we frequented, a failed dating experience, a personal achievement that she would have cheer-leaded me for, getting older as a single guy etc.

She would have never cheer-leaded me, NPD traits were too strong. More likely to tear me down.

I do relate to what you are saying about the triggers tho. Absolutely.

I understand the literature pretty well now and that has taken me up to a certain point of healing.  But there are still lingering questions that don't fit neatly.  Some of those questions I have had have lead me to believing that she simply made a decision to not work on certain things that were scary and it was "safer" for her to leave them (and me) then to face some of the challenges that being married brought about. 

The lingering questions don't bother me any more. Used to certainly.
I consulted the stats for a lot of things.
I saw for example, there was a 1 in 10 chance of no cheating, so I filled in the gaps of my suspicions and just accepted that she did.

I suppose one way in that it does bother me tho - is that there are certain people I could ask to confirm things for me.
But then that means she is still in control.

And when I dig deep - I have enough information to accept what happened. It won't bring any epiphany at this stage.
So the only reason I honestly would want that information, is to be able to throw it back in her face (from a distance)

A term I have been using lately that I really like is "blind spots".  The term describes components/behaviors of our lives that we simply cannot see clearly - for whatever the reason may be.  My ex simply had a blind-spot that she could not see.  Although there are no blanket statements that provide my mind with the ability to just let it all go, the blind-spot idea helps me to realize that she simply could not see what she could not see and so she operated from a completely different understanding and set of assumptions.  If she could see how her words were hurtful, her actions painful she might have been able to ask why do I do this... .  Instead, we are left asking those questions of our exes and picking up fragmented pieces and trying to piece them together into a mosaic of the past r/s.

My ex definitely had blind spots. As did I.
Unfortunately, events that transpired since then, demonstrate she had fewer blind spots than I would have liked to think.

infjEpic, I have seen a lot of progress in your recovery and healing.  It really is a process and it shifts with time as you see the context of what happened through a different lens.  Questions linger, thoughts will likely continue to linger but slowly it shifts.  I am sure that you will be continuing to improve as time goes by.

Best, JRB

Thank you very much JRB, that is very reassuring

Thanks for your reply!

[infjEpic]

Hi onceremoved

i agree. i just hit the six year removed mark myself. the relationship and the person are old news. at the same time, its one of the hardest things i ever went through, and i will always be proud that i did, and the lessons i gained from the relationship and from this site, im confident will be with me for the rest of my life.

Very good point.

I do clearly understand - that the experience I went through, has enhanced my ability to have healthy relationships now.

And also, had I not met a disordered person and not been accused of domestic violence, there is no way I would have re-initiated contact with my non-disordered ex.
This was the only way I could fathom it happening.

im here nearly every day, so it would be impossible for me to not think of her or the relationship in some way shape or form. thats different, i think, from consciously reflecting on her/the relationship, which i do from time to time.

I do wonder about that myself.

I'm here to learn and grow, but mostly to help others. I wonder if this is having a negative impact on me, merely because I keep relating to my own experience in other to try help others.

And another conundrum - if I'm gonna help others, should I not warn my successors?

I thought the only way to do that, is to monitor my ex's social media. But that seems unhealthy, and doesn't help with detachment.

I've found a different way now tho. I can leave a coded warning on my Facebook.

That will annoy her immensely and may give my successors some breadcrumbs.

I've been struggling with that all day. Currently about 60/40 in favour of doing it.

the final stage of detachment - freedom - is when thinking about your loss doesnt interfere with your normal feelings of well-being. ever heard the old axiom "dont think of an elephant, dont think of an elephant"? we can make conscious efforts to limit thinking that interferes with our well-being, and if need be, we should. but to a certain extent, the harder you try not to think of something, the more you are thinking of it.

Totally agree.
Sometimes I have that freedom - I guess it frustrates me that I then take a step backward - toward anger.

I'm not surprised it's today, given it's the 1 year anniversary. And the recent attacks.
Had I not monitored her social media - I wouldn't have known about the attacks anyway... .I need to change that.

creating new memories, building a brighter future, going on to healthier relationships, all of these things will shift your focus, and thoughts of the loss no longer interfering with your normal feelings of well-being will occur naturally.

Yes.
I'm in a healthy relationship now, it definitely helps.
The future is much brighter.

The loss for me only affects me in terms of the sexual aspects at this stage I think.

I guess I just imagined I would move on from anger. And sometimes I do, but then I come back again. That bothers me still.

One more tough day after today, that will be the anniversary of the day she told me she loved me, for the first time.

Thanks for your relpy

[once removed]

And another conundrum - if I'm gonna help others, should I not warn my successors?

I thought the only way to do that, is to monitor my ex's social media. But that seems unhealthy, and doesn't help with detachment.

I've found a different way now tho. I can leave a coded warning on my Facebook.

That will annoy her immensely and may give my successors some breadcrumbs.

I've been struggling with that all day. Currently about 60/40 in favour of doing it.

whats the difference? one way or the other, you are engaging her. why?

i am wondering if some of these residual struggles might be as a result of the rules you are imposing on yourself: not thinking about her for a day, monitor or dont monitor, help the next guy, contact or no contact.

what does infjEpic actually want, and has he given himself permission to grieve?

I wonder if this is having a negative impact on me, merely because I keep relating to my own experience in other to try help others.

i try to remember my experience is not the same as someone elses no matter how much i relate, and im not them; we have different brain chemistry, wiring, life experience, etc. the person in need - what are they communicating that their needs are (as opposed to imposing what i think they are). i find when i remove myself from the equation, and im not drawn in, so to speak, i can be more effective at helping (or choosing not to help) - no negative side effects  

[balletomane]

I've been no contact for almost two years (twenty-one months, to be precise). I've gone a full twenty-four hours or more without thinking about him at all on about three separate occasions. The first time it happened, I remember the shock and then the happiness when I realised how much time had elapsed since he'd last been in my head.

I usually do think of him daily, but no longer in an obsessive way. The things he'd said and done used to be stuck on a loop in my head, and I would replay them over and over with no escape even when I was busy doing something else. I felt like I could never escape him. Now the thoughts are sporadic, they don't last that long, and it's easy for me to think about something else when they do occur.

At first I was terrified I would be stuck with these awful memories forever, and I did everything I could to make myself move on. It was as if I were trying to climb a mountain with a load on my back, but I was insisting on sprinting to the summit, and then getting upset and despairing when I tripped over and rolled right down to the bottom. Once I accepted that it would take as long as it took, and that I needed to have compassion on myself in the meantime, it got easier to deal with the thoughts.

  infjEpic, I think it would be very unwise to try and communicate with your ex through 'coded' messages on social media. Think about the strongest and most valuable relationships you've had in your life - familial relationships, friendship, whatever - and ask yourself, ":)o I ever communicate in this way with those people?" The answer is probably no. Ask yourself what your ideal romantic relationship would look like, and then ask, "Would I want to communicate this way with my ideal partner?" Again, the answer is probably no. If it's not what you'd do in a solid relationship, whether romantic or not, it isn't what you should be doing now. It's an immature and even manipulative communication style, to put it bluntly - you would be using covert ways to get a reaction out of your ex and to try and shape her future partners' view of her.

I understand wanting to warn future partners about your ex's behaviour. I felt it too about mine. But his new girlfriend was a grown woman and she was entitled to make her own mistakes and discoveries. We can't take responsibility for our exes' future relationships - what are we going to do, follow them through the rest of our lives like bloodhounds? We can only take responsibility for our own selves, and so long as you're still concerning yourself with what your ex might be doing, you won't be able to focus on moving on.

[vortex of confusion]

I still think of ex daily. March 3rd will be the one year anniversary of me kicking him out.

I blocked him on ALL social media. I even removed him from my linkedIn connections. I don't want to see anything about him anywhere on any of my medial platforms. We have 4 kids together so I can't go completely NC. I try to limit communications to email or text. By blocking him, it keeps me from looking out of curiosity. I even removed his family from my social media because I want to remove the possibility of triangulation. I am trying to protect myself from any and all temptation.

Right now, he is on my mind more because he finally got his own place and is finally getting more of his stuff out of my house. I wanted to see if I thought his new place was okay for the kids so I helped him move. I couldn't stop myself from making snarky comments. At the end, we were both seeing other people. I kept pretty quiet about it and tried my best to be respectful of him. He would ask for details and information and I would refuse to give it to him. He LOVED to give me details. He seemed to find great joy in telling me that I just didn't float his boat any more whereas these other women floated his boat and inspired him and how he had such a great connection with them, blah, blah, blah. That is where I am stuck. It isn't even really about him personally. It is more about me ruminating over what happened and wondering why the heck this stuff still hurts.

I don't miss him at all. I do still think about the things that he said and did to me.

I also wanted to comment about warning others. It doesn't feel nearly as good as it sounds. Check your motives. There was one woman that ex went on and on about. He told me how much he loved her and how much she inspired him and it was sickening that he was telling me, his wife of 18 years and mother of his kids, about this person. I found her on social media and sent her a message. I did it under the guise of looking out for her and being all enlightened, woman power, blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, I didn't want him to be happy. I wanted her to reject him so he would know what it felt like to be rejected. I wanted him to feel the hurt that I feel. He lacks empathy so it was really stupid on my part to think that it would have any impact on him at all. She rejected him and blocked him and he didn't seemed phased by it a bit. And, I have to remind myself that a relatively healthy person won't stick around for very long. Other people aren't nearly as gullible as I was. 

[infjEpic]

i try to remember my experience is not the same as someone elses no matter how much i relate, and im not them; we have different brain chemistry, wiring, life experience, etc. the person in need - what are they communicating that their needs are (as opposed to imposing what i think they are). i find when i remove myself from the equation, and im not drawn in, so to speak, i can be more effective at helping (or choosing not to help) - no negative side effects  

Makes sense. Thank you

whats the difference? one way or the other, you are engaging her. why?

i am wondering if some of these residual struggles might be as a result of the rules you are imposing on yourself: not thinking about her for a day, monitor or dont monitor, help the next guy, contact or no contact.

I had a much more extensive and comprehensive answer written to your questions, but in doing so, I realised I need to think a bit deeper about them still.

I think you're spot on that this is the source of a lot of my internal conflict - I have been aware of this for a while  - the war between what I desire to do while knowing it's unethical on some level.

but what you said here just clicked something into place.
I am actually imposing rules on myself - I hadn't quite realised it like that... .hmmmm... .

No contact was definitely a rule I imposed on myself.
I'd love to ask her why she has posted some of the things she has posted. I guess I considered that verboten... .I felt these attacks were designed to get me to do exactly that.

Do you think it would be ok to break NC, in order to ask her that?
.
.
.

Actually, in dwelling on answers to your questions - I think I've just had an epiphany.
I had a sense of closure on Oct 16th. And I was fine for months after that.
But the recent attacks have shattered that closure.

what does infjEpic actually want, and has he given himself permission to grieve?

First thing that pops into my head: To not be a walkover, have some self respect & defend myself

I feel as though I grieved a long time ago.
I felt the grieving was complete just prior to commencing my new relationship.

[infjEpic]

I've been no contact for almost two years (twenty-one months, to be precise). I've gone a full twenty-four hours or more without thinking about him at all on about three separate occasions. The first time it happened, I remember the shock and then the happiness when I realised how much time had elapsed since he'd last been in my head.

I usually do think of him daily, but no longer in an obsessive way. The things he'd said and done used to be stuck on a loop in my head, and I would replay them over and over with no escape even when I was busy doing something else. I felt like I could never escape him. Now the thoughts are sporadic, they don't last that long, and it's easy for me to think about something else when they do occur.

At first I was terrified I would be stuck with these awful memories forever, and I did everything I could to make myself move on. It was as if I were trying to climb a mountain with a load on my back, but I was insisting on sprinting to the summit, and then getting upset and despairing when I tripped over and rolled right down to the bottom. Once I accepted that it would take as long as it took, and that I needed to have compassion on myself in the meantime, it got easier to deal with the thoughts.

Thanks for your reply

infjEpic, I think it would be very unwise to try and communicate with your ex through 'coded' messages on social media.

The communication is not to her - it's to my successors.

I actually went ahead and did it earlier.
I posted a very happy picture of me, my gf (who my BPDex has a crazed obsession with) and our dog (who I love more than my anyone or anything).

In my Intro section - I've written:
INFJ - Out of the FOG.

That's the best I could come up with for now.
It's not much, but it's a breadcrumb to my successors.

I understand wanting to warn future partners about your ex's behaviour. I felt it too about mine. But his new girlfriend was a grown woman and she was entitled to make her own mistakes and discoveries. We can't take responsibility for our exes' future relationships - what are we going to do, follow them through the rest of our lives like bloodhounds? We can only take responsibility for our own selves, and so long as you're still concerning yourself with what your ex might be doing, you won't be able to focus on moving on.

Following her wouldn't be a problem - I work in IT, but you're right about not moving on.
I read a lot of past threads on the forum in recent days and checked Quora and so on.
It seems these efforts not only rarely work, but even backfire.
Breadcrumbs seem to be a more efficient and effective way to do this sort of thing.

I didn't have a chance to warn my replacement, because I only found out about it after.
He got what was coming to him. I take schadenfreude in this. No sympathy for cheaters in my book. Samsara works in mysterious ways.

I presume it was him that was driving the car that tried to run me over. I only saw her in the passenger seat.
Police did SFA but I told her it was going to court for attempted manslaughter when she tried to recycle me. That definitely scared her.

I've done some research on her new mark tho - we have mutual friends in common.
He's a good guy. He will suffer.
I'm still conflicted. Needs more thought.

[infjEpic]

I still think of ex daily. March 3rd will be the one year anniversary of me kicking him out.

I blocked him on ALL social media. I even removed him from my linkedIn connections. I don't want to see anything about him anywhere on any of my medial platforms. We have 4 kids together so I can't go completely NC. I try to limit communications to email or text. By blocking him, it keeps me from looking out of curiosity. I even removed his family from my social media because I want to remove the possibility of triangulation. I am trying to protect myself from any and all temptation.

I had her blocked ages ago.
I know the fake accounts she used to check up on exs when she was with me. I blocked them also.

I recently unblocked her on instagram, since she started the smear campaign.
She still has some images of me, I believe they are referred to as 'sanity props'

I plan to upload some images to my instagram, which had been deactivated - concerning BPD, Jealousy induction and so on.
Informative, but also breadcrumbs.

I think that may motivate her to delete the images of me.

Right now, he is on my mind more because he finally got his own place and is finally getting more of his stuff out of my house. I wanted to see if I thought his new place was okay for the kids so I helped him move. I couldn't stop myself from making snarky comments.

At last meeting with my BPDex, I didn't make any snarky comments.
I gave her a hug and told her that I had loved her once, and that I would always care about her, that I didn't agree with her reasons for not wanting to be friends, but that I had no choice other than to accept them and respect her wishes.

I felt magnanimous, and felt we had finally gotten some closure.


Sometimes, I'm so naive, I need a good slap.

And, I have to remind myself that a relatively healthy person won't stick around for very long. Other people aren't nearly as gullible as I was. 

I'm honestly not sure how much gullible comes into it.

And I'm not sure the length of time is proportionate to the damage inflicted.
I only stayed around for 4 months, and only about 7-9 weeks of those were horrendous. The first 6-8 were incredible.

From the day she moved in, it was like flicking a switch. Ominous.

Had I not been stupid enough to move her in with me so quickly, I would have bailed faster.
The fallout was utterly brutal tho.

I would say I was vulnerable and lonely, rather than gullible. And ignorant of Cluster B.
When I was aware of Cluster B - and took her back after false domestic violence allegations - it was due to vulnerability and loneliness.
That's on me. I am responsible for that.

I'm assuming you were unaware of Cluster B also?
Do you think, if you had been aware - if someone had warned you, would that have made a difference?

[balletomane]

Following her wouldn't be a problem - I work in IT, but you're right about not moving on.
I read a lot of past threads on the forum in recent days and checked Quora and so on.
It seems these efforts not only rarely work, but even backfire.
Breadcrumbs seem to be a more efficient and effective way to do this sort of thing.

I wasn't suggesting that it's impossible for you to track your ex's activities, more that it's the opposite of helpful. You are sabotaging yourself if you do that. You have a girlfriend, and I think it isn't fair to her either if you are actively putting time and energy into thinking up ways to communicate with your ex's current and future partners. I know I would be uncomfortable if I had a partner who was not only thinking about a past relationship every day, but raking over the embers through Facebook. If you keep fanning your concern for your ex's future partners, you will keep fanning your own memories of her.

In your earlier post you said that posting a coded message on Facebook would "annoy her immensely", which is what suggested to me that part of you might want some kind of reaction from her. That's natural. We've all been there. My ex cheated on me with a woman I knew (she didn't realise that he was still with me - he'd kept his involvement with me a secret and I was so head over heels in love with him that I refused to see that for the red flag it was) and for months - almost a year - I battled with the urge to tell her what had happened. I felt like I had no witnesses to my pain, as my ex had always refused to acknowledge when I was hurting or to admit that he ever did anything to cause hurt, and he used to tell me (viciously) that my feelings were unreasonable and selfish. Speaking to her, telling her I'd been cheated on, seemed like it would be a good way to exorcise the pain. Other people can be comforting, yes, but I wanted to feel heard by someone who had been there, with the same man, who really understood. Another part of me fantasised about him recognising what he'd done to me and perhaps even apologising, and sometimes I would catch myself wondering if I should write to him, wondering if I'd get a good response this time if I just worded myself carefully enough. All this came out of my sense of being discarded like so much trash on top of the abuse I'd endured in the relationship, and eventually I accepted that I couldn't rely on my ex or any of his other partners to restore my sense of worth to me - putting that self-worth in the hands of others was what landed me in this mess in the first place. I think the coded messages you write may be a similar unhelpful means of self-comfort. You were in an abusive relationship (someone who nearly runs you over on purpose is physically abusive) and you will not recover until you step away from the situation completely.

[vortex of confusion]

From the day she moved in, it was like flicking a switch. Ominous.

I have often joked that when I said "I do" he said "I don't". At times, I felt like things changed after we got married in the sexual department. Before marriage, there were no problems there at all. After we got married, it was like a flip was switched and he had trouble and preferred to look at porn and take care of himself. I don't think he changed as much as it was that it was easier for him to hide that stuff. When you live with somebody, it isn't as easy for them to hide stuff like that.

I would say I was vulnerable and lonely, rather than gullible. And ignorant of Cluster B.
When I was aware of Cluster B - and took her back after false domestic violence allegations - it was due to vulnerability and loneliness.
That's on me. I am responsible for that.

I say that I was gullible because I tend to believe the good in people. I too was lonely and vulnerable. I fell for his "good boy" persona because it was very believable AND that is what I wanted to see. I knew about mental illness because of FOO stuff. His presented very differently than what I was used to seeing. I was more used to seeing the Queen/Witch type rather than the Waif/Hermit. Ex was more of a waif/hermit.

I'm assuming you were unaware of Cluster B also?
Do you think, if you had been aware - if someone had warned you, would that have made a difference?

I knew nothing about Cluster B 20 years ago. I didn't learn about that until 2014. When I found this site, it explained so much about ex as well as several of the people in my FOO.

I don't think I would have listened if somebody had warned me. It would have been way too easy to dismiss the warning. If somebody had warned me, I likely would have thought they were crazy, jealous, bitter, or had an ulterior motive. I never would have believed that things would have turned out the way they did. I was young and dumb and thought love was the answer to everything. Part of it was being naive and another part of it was arrogance on my part. I was special. He loved me. Blah, blah, blah. The lied one tells oneself to avoid facing reality can be twisted at times. It took me a while to wake up and see the truth and accept it.

[infjEpic]

I wasn't suggesting that it's impossible for you to track your ex's activities, more that it's the opposite of helpful. You are sabotaging yourself if you do that. You have a girlfriend, and I think it isn't fair to her either if you are actively putting time and energy into thinking up ways to communicate with your ex's current and future partners. I know I would be uncomfortable if I had a partner who was not only thinking about a past relationship every day, but raking over the embers through Facebook. If you keep fanning your concern for your ex's future partners, you will keep fanning your own memories of her.

Spot on.
It makes sense this morning. Thank you

[infjEpic]

Thank you for all of your replies (and important questions) in this thread.
They have helped a lot.

The wheels in my subconscious must have been turning last night,
because when I woke up, I had a new perspective on things and some clarity.

I don't think this is the end of my recovery.
It feels like moving onto a healthier stage tho.

I think my anger was either a form of, or at least connected to a fear of letting go.
I think even my dreams recently have been trying to tell me this.

And not just letting go of her, but letting go of that version of 'me'.
Not sure if that will make sense.

I realised that I lost the sense of closure I had when the smear campaign started,
and checking her social media is keeping me tied in to her story, rather than focusing on my own.

Right now, I'm not feeling any anger. Which is a relief.
I can't be too surprised if it comes back again, I know this is gonna take time.

But I have clear action items;
Refocus on my own story and my own path.
Stop feeding these thoughts.
Stop checking her social media. Ignore the smear campaign.
Warning my successors is just more of that also. A reason to keep myself tied to her and her story.

I knew yesterday was gonna be a really hard day.
I had that day built up in my head, going back to July.

Getting past that day, feels like getting past a very important milestone.

Thank you all for your help 

[Sunfl0wer]

The wheels in my subconscious must have been turning last night,
because when I woke up, I had a new perspective on things and some clarity.

I don't think this is the end of my recovery.
It feels like moving onto a healthier stage tho.

I think my anger was either a form of, or at least connected to a fear of letting go.
I think even my dreams recently have been trying to tell me this.

And not just letting go of her, but letting go of that version of 'me'.
Not sure if that will make sense.

This makes perfectly good sense to me!  .
Certainly a lot of my grieving has been about not being able to be who I was in many ways.  (A step mom, the SO immersed in a certain culture, I miss who I was with him when we got along great, etc)

Kinda feeling it is still worthy to quote   Once Removed
Ahh heck, cannot find the bit, sorry.  It was about giving yourself permission to grieve.
I just agree and imagine that if you are having an internal struggle with yourself to suppress part of your process... .it could be counterintuitive.  Well, just am thinking it can be more healing to allow what comes up, honor it, experience it, sit with it, and find a way to nurture yourself about it. (Vs suppress it or deny it or cut that thought outta your mind)

So yea, you are not feeling anger... .
Great?
Rhetorically: Where did it go?
Did it go back into your subconscious?
Or did you sit with it, nurture it till it settled?

[ynwa]

Hey infjepic, and others

There is no right or wrong in your feelings. In your memories, in your thoughts.  I suppose there might be in your actions. 

But your path doesn't ever take you in a straight line.  If we all stepped forwards without ever looking back or remembering those times, how would we judge how far we have come?   

Your original question, going a full day without thinking about it?  In a sense that would be letting go yes, but it might also mean forgetting who we are now.  Thinking of them as they were or who they are now, is natural.  They are people from our lives and just deleting them might be just as unhealthy (in a way) as keeping them in our lives. 

I've taken my time away from my ex and sort of carried a stone in my pocket. It's my sobriety chip, my proof that my time away is painful and sad but still free of the worst times in my life.  I know addicts who are years, some of them 20 plus years sober and they STILL can taste the alcohol on their tongues as though they just drank at times, and in other times, it's like they never drank at all.

I got a bit off track.  What I meant ironically is that we get lost on the path sometimes.  And that's ok.