Pitfalls of going NC in a small town

[Depression = 72% of members]

I chose to go NC with my elderly parent recently, and my siblings in the same town have been distant with me since then as well. I know it is a difficult choice regardless of geography, but the close proximity seems to be adding stress and anxiety. We run in similar social and work circles, and I just can't seem to put enough distance to protect myself. Ideally I would like to figure out a way to have a better relationship with my sisters but it seems like I have been painted black to the entire family of co dependents. And I don't know what to do about upcoming family gatherings, big and small. Right now I am an island unto myself with my FOO, luckily I have a wonderful husband, grown children and supportive friends. But I am unsure of how to go forward with family holidays.

[madeline7]

I chose to go NC with my elderly parent recently, and my siblings in the same town have been distant with me since then as well. I know it is a difficult choice regardless of geography, but the close proximity seems to be adding stress and anxiety. We run in similar social and work circles, and I just can't seem to put enough distance to protect myself. Ideally I would like to figure out a way to have a better relationship with my sisters but it seems like I have been painted black to the entire family of co dependents. And I don't know what to do about upcoming family gatherings, big and small. Right now I am an island unto myself with my FOO, luckily I have a wonderful husband, grown children and supportive friends. But I am unsure of how to go forward with family holidays.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi madeline7   

Sounds like you are struggling with a difficult situation.  I can understand how difficult it might be to go NC in a small town.  If you want to participate in family gatherings and events, where your mom will be, then it might be more difficult to handle without some level of interaction with her.

One option to consider to go to limited contact (LC) with your mom and use some strong boundaries, communication strategies and have a plan on how you will handle her bad behaviors.  If your siblings are siding with your mom, then it could be very difficult to reestablish a relationship with your siblings, and still remain NC with your mom.

Do you live close to your siblings?  It is a personal decision regarding what to do and what you might be comfortable with. Can you try and schedule a get together with just you and your siblings, and perhaps have a discussion?  Maybe this is something that can occur with a therapist and a family counseling session? 

This could be the worst idea possible, or an opportunity, but some people might find that working with their siblings to assemble a family collection of photos could be an opportunity.  If the memories are all bad, then this is a bad idea.  If there are some enjoyable past moments/photos to share, then it could be a bonding experience.

One size doesn't fit all.  Have you thought of some acceptable ways to reconnect with your siblings? Ways that you would be comfortable with?

Regarding upcoming family gatherings, you might want to handle them differently, depending on the specific occasion and the size of the gathering.  You might attend some, but not others.  It would be hard to handle going to the events if you aren't talking to your mom or siblings, unless the event is extremely large and you can steer around them.

[madeline7]

This is a difficult situation indeed. I cannot count on my siblings support, and they are in town as well. I understand the dysfunctional dynamics at work, but am still astounded I am "out". I will take it day by day, event by event and see how the next few weeks/months play out. I am practicing acceptance, but I have moments of sadness and anger and think the family drama sucks.

[Naughty Nibbler]

madeline7:   
Taking it a step at a time and an event at a time, might be a good approach.  You can decide to break NC when it seems right to you.  In the meantime, focus on taking care of yourself and reducing your stress.  Perhaps journaling your thoughts can serve to vent your anger.  Try something new, get some exercise, practice some mindfulness, meditation or just do something fun.  Sometimes stepping away from a situation for awhile can clear your mind, and establish a path to make some decisions down the road.