When will I learn

[lillysail]

I posted about not having contact for 8 months with my ex-BPD boyfriend and then he started to mass text me and I ended up spending time with him and we had a great time together. It has been 2.5 weeks and silence from him. Today I found out he has been seeing another girl for over a month now, what was he doing with me?

I know not to expect anything from him but yet it is still a blah feeling to have confirmation of what I thought was true anyhow.  How come I know this and know what he is capable of but yet I allow myself to be mistreated by him.

I thought I was okay with contact in case he legit needed something but I think I have to not care anymore. I'm more mad at myself than him. At least I know what to expect with him... .nothing.  But I confuse myself daily when it comes to him!  I need to get it together!

[Moselle]

But I confuse myself daily when it comes to him!  I need to get it together!

Sorry to hear about your difficulty Lillysail. Its sounds like you were recycled. Most of us have done that, so you're in good company here.

Would yo like to move on this time and leave it behind you?

Is there something kind you can do for yourself? You've been through a tough time

[lillysail]

I do want to completely move on this time.  I was doing so great with recovering from this and then bam he came back and I let my guard down.

I'm done caring when he clearly doesn't.  If he needs someone or something he will need to look elsewhere. I'm a caretaker and I think it's been hard for me to let go of the mentality of picking up the pieces if he needs me too but reality is, I'm always picking up my own pieces from the damage he causes that I don't have it in me pick his up as well.

I don't want to be recycled again.  I'm ready to get out of this for good this time!

[Moselle]

I'm ready to get out of this for good this time!

I think that's a wise choice.  |iii

What are some steps you can take to prevent another recycle?

[lillysail]

Blocking him from every possible way he would have to contact me.  We have mutual friends and although he does not work with me, he does have connections between his job and my place of employment which causes him to be onsite sometimes.  I was able to avoid him for 8 months, so I think this will not be an issue.

I am different this time around.  The first discard, I was blindsided and devastated.  Now with whatever this was, although I feel blah, it isn't stopping me from continuing on with the life I built after him.  It makes me uneasy because I did put myself into this position to be recycled by not blocking him completely out of my life, just in case he needed me.  Lesson learned.  Sometimes I have a hard time trusting myself. 

Like I said, I know not to expect anything from him but I expect myself to have tighter boundaries, and I surprised myself by how quickly I was like "okay, yeah, let's get together and pretend like you didn't leave me in a deep dark hole 8 months ago". 

I just have to keep reminding myself, I cannot save him, I cannot pick up the pieces for both of us, I cannot be there just to fill a void.   I am worth more than that.  Easy for me to put in writing, hard to enforce in life.  There have been a number of replacements over the last 8 months.  I have to keep reminding myself of that as well.  I wasn't special in his mind, I was just "another".

Time to do what I know needs to be done.  Strict no contact.  No more being his caregiver. 

Thanks for helping me get through this one! 

[hopealways]

Hang in there.
You are a caretaker, that is one of the reasons you fell for a BPD.
Recycle attempts are part of the BPD experience. This may be the last one, or there may be more.  But at some point you will not care anymore.
They are liars and cheaters, that will never change.
They have zero integrity, that will never change.
They cannot love, that will never change.
Do you want to spend your time with someone who will never change?
NC is the only way to go. Good job for blocking him off everything. You will be stronger after this.