Revenge - the feeling is short lived

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone,

I was at 7 days NC yesterday, but on Sunday I was actually provided with information about my ex that explained everything. All of my questions and concerns about what was going on behind our "relationship" were answered. I was given some pretty devastating news about my ex's behavior, and her ongoing relationship with her "ex" (read: current husband) that she lives with. Long story short, I was furious. I ruminated about this new knowledge and got caught up in the level of lies and deception that I have subjected myself to for a year and a half. I couldn't help myself and I emailed her. Told her I knew everything. Told her what I thought of her in that moment (it wasn't good). This spurred an all out email war that lasted into the evening. Eventually she admitted to it all. Her "ex" was home and I ended up talking to him on the phone. Told him everything.  I felt obligated to tell him the truth about who I was and what has been going on. I do not believe he ever really knew. Last night I felt vindicated, validated, and proud for sticking up for myself and showing her that her actions have consequences. However, today I feel like it was the wrong decision. That night of feeling like I finally had some power in this has been replaced with the guilt of feeling like I rocked this guys world. I feel bad for the pain I put my ex in, too. It was an absolute mess, and will remain a mess for them. Hopefully some good comes out of it for them in the long run, but I don't think it was worth it now. If you're thinking of exacting your revenge and breaking NC, I would advise against it. I don't feel any better about it, or about myself for doing it. If this helps any one of you, then I will happily say I took one for the team. 

[Ragnar1982]

Hey everyone,

I was at 7 days NC yesterday, but on Sunday I was actually provided with information about my ex that explained everything. All of my questions and concerns about what was going on behind our "relationship" were answered. I was given some pretty devastating news about my ex's behavior, and her ongoing relationship with her "ex" (read: current husband) that she lives with. Long story short, I was furious. I ruminated about this new knowledge and got caught up in the level of lies and deception that I have subjected myself to for a year and a half. I couldn't help myself and I emailed her. Told her I knew everything. Told her what I thought of her in that moment (it wasn't good). This spurred an all out email war that lasted into the evening. Eventually she admitted to it all. Her "ex" was home and I ended up talking to him on the phone. Told him everything.  I felt obligated to tell him the truth about who I was and what has been going on. I do not believe he ever really knew. Last night I felt vindicated, validated, and proud for sticking up for myself and showing her that her actions have consequences. However, today I feel like it was the wrong decision. That night of feeling like I finally had some power in this has been replaced with the guilt of feeling like I rocked this guys world. I feel bad for the pain I put my ex in, too. It was an absolute mess, and will remain a mess for them. Hopefully some good comes out of it for them in the long run, but I don't think it was worth it now. If you're thinking of exacting your revenge and breaking NC, I would advise against it. I don't feel any better about it, or about myself for doing it. If this helps any one of you, then I will happily say I took one for the team. 

[marti644]

Ragnar,

Thanks for this really. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this but I understand your sentiment.

The last two days have been a rollercoaster for me and I've almost broke NC. I found out that she gave me an STI (again). The first time was at the start of our relationship and she victimized herself by stating that the abusive ex gave to to her (her only previous sexual partner). A little over a month and a half since we're over and surprise, it's back. I never had direct evidence till now of the cheating.

 I keep moving from raging anger to calm. I always prided myself on being a monogamous and careful person so this has been quite a blow for me.

 I calmly went to the pharmacy and got the antibiotics I needed went home and grabbed a glass and quickly took my dose. This is the last thing she ever has over me. As much as I want to confront her and shame her what's the point? I need to look out for myself now and that means staying as far away from her as possible.

I was just thinking angrily of getting ahold of her when I read this message Ragnar. I'll keep trying NC and hopefully the pain will subside soon. Trying to pity myself, this was not my fault, but such shame and embarrassment.

[Ragnar1982]

Marti,

Sorry to hear that. I hope that clears up soon.

I have seen other posts that beg the question "so if you do contact them, then what?"... .or something to that effect. It's a good question to ask, and I should have taken that advice. I knew I wasn't going back. I just acted out of anger, and it wasn't worth it.

[SuperJew82]

Same thing happened to me... .I was lucky that it was chlamydia... .It was quite embarrassing and a wake-up call. I'm sure this has happened to quite a few of us.

[marti644]

Super I got the clap too, I'm so lucky I'm just deflated. Solidifies NC.

[gjkopriv]

To the original post, I'm not sure of how old she is or how old the ex is, but I'm pretty sure he already knows about her cheating,

[FallenOne]

I would love for nothing more than to point out all of the "secrets" about my ex that I know to both her as well as her friends and family...

but... .

I have a restraining order against me...

[infjEpic]

I was at 7 days NC yesterday, but on Sunday I was actually provided with information about my ex that explained everything.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the info?
Don't have to answer if you prefer not to.

That night of feeling like I finally had some power in this has been replaced with the guilt of feeling like I rocked this guys world.

I can only speak for myself, but I would prefer to know.

I've been in both situations;
A) being betrayed up front
B) being betrayed while putting in years of effort, emotion, work and money into something and only finding out down the line

I'll take A anyday!
Good Luck learning to trust again after B! Important lessons are learned tho.

It was the most difficult thing I'd ever done prior to the BPD relationship... .and probably partly why the BPD relationship fizzled out so fast compared to others I've read about.
Had it not been for the pain, feelings and lessons that resulted from B, I suspect I may never have understood the necessity to get out of the BPD relationship as fast as I did - even when I didn't know about Cluster B.

You may feel guilty now - but you don't know how he feels. Sure, he will feel awful - now - but he may be eternally grateful.

Take some solace in the fact that he at least now has a choice, and may in fact be able to protect himself against something potentially much worse in the future.

Hopefully some good comes out of it for them in the long run, but I don't think it was worth it now. If you're thinking of exacting your revenge and breaking NC, I would advise against it. I don't feel any better about it, or about myself for doing it. If this helps any one of you, then I will happily say I took one for the team. 

I wouldn't too hard on yourself about it.
You had an emotional over-reaction at worst.
Everyone is capable of an emotional over-reaction - not just pwPDs.

I'd just tell you to recognise that and cut her off totally and utterly.
The emotional reactions won't stop here, if you don't make that decision.

[Ragnar1982]

GJK:  she is 41. He is just about 36. No, he suspected this. She had told him about the beginning of our relationship at one point, but hid the rest. This is not the first time she has done this, and they actually started their relationship when she was married the first time. Her first marriage ended because of their affair.

Matt:  I've read your posts and your story over the past month or so.  The restraining order may be a blessing in disguise. Not having the option may make this feel worse for now, but by the time that expires you may be in a much better place.

Epic:An old friend of hers. I reached out to this person because I remember their friendship ending rather strangely, and my ex had no idea why, as she stated. I didn't believe it. This person was nice enough to share their relationship history as friends. All about her cheating, using people for money, painting people black, isolating people, using people for emotional support. I didn't prove for this specific information, but was rather given it by simply asking why they aren't friends anymore. There was a major piece of information about some things that I was lied to about over the summer that really drove my anger. Had I known then what I know now, I would have ended things long ago instead of being used for more emotional support myself. Also, I'm doing alright tonight. She actually emailed me a bit ago thanking me for setting her free. I hope she means it so she can get some help and try to have a normal  life at some point. The relationship she has been in with her husband/maybe ex now has certainly been pretty messed up in itself. From what she has told me they have both contributed to that, but I think her mental issues have controlled him enough to stay and for her to never actually leave. If that's what's happening now and she has no choice but to leave, it may be better for both of them. That's not up to me, though. I can't own what goes on from here.

[gjkopriv]

Then you cannot feel sorry for the guy... .If he helped end her first marriage for being with her and cheating on her original husband... .Then he should've known there was a chance she was going to do the same thing to him, just like she would've done to you and the next guy... .

[roberto516]

I have struggled with the same thing. I can't seem to stop reaching out only to bash her for what she really is. And I have talked to coworkers (she works somewhere else now) about her borderline traits and stuff. A part of me feels good about that because they are all agreeing with what I'm seeing finally in hindsight. The anger and rage stuff I do regret. Because it just keeps letting her have control over me. But in a way if I am this mean maybe it can push her away for good so she doesn't reach out in a moment of weakness.

[gjkopriv]

I had this same issue for awhile, part of me was still very attracted to her, but I knew we couldn't be together so I just wanted to reach out to her to tell her how bad of a person she was and how bad she hurt me... .I quit doing that... first off because it's hard to heal with constant contact and the fact that if you didn't want to talk about what she wanted,when she wanted she'd threaten with things  ... I found out a few lies in the time we haven't talked at all and I'll just save them in the memory bank for if she ever does try to contact me... .