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Author Topic: Where do I go from here?  (Read 331 times)
Null

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: February 22, 2017, 06:27:40 PM »

Broke up a little over a year ago, no contact for almost a year.

In many ways I'm fortunate:
- Our relationship was only 5 months (well, 3 plus 2 months of her avoiding me).
- She told me early on that she has been diagnosed BPD, no speculation or desire for official closure.
- She cheated on me, but practically admitted it (excuses, rationalisations and blame shifting, but the subtext was that she had cheated and she knew it).
- Her replacement disappeared after a mere month.
- No attempts at contact, barring some facebook indirect digs.

Some things I've done to try and move on:
- I've been to therapy, completed a prescription of antidepressants.
- I no longer think about suicide, there is still work to do but I consider my depression in past tense.
- Some degree of "fake it 'till you make it", but my friends tell me I'm a lot better.
- Trying to let go of my negative outlook.
- I've taken an interest in other girls, their rejection stings but it's just a brief distraction.
- I try to absorb myself in my hobbies.
- I've deleted her off facebook.

I have the resolve to never go back.
I understand the disorder; that she will never change.
I have no delusions of her suddenly caring about me and living happily ever after.
I know that if I let her, she will destroy me, again.
I recognise that the relationship never really existed, it was just wishful thinking and fabrications.

Even so, I still ruminate constantly about what could have been, want to go back and be held by her and desired.

She was my first and only girlfriend. I know that I can't go back, that she doesn't care about me and never did, but I miss her and want her back.

What would you have me do?
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infjEpic
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: In a new relationship
Posts: 245


« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2017, 06:38:23 PM »

Even so, I still ruminate constantly about what could have been, want to go back and be held by her and desired.

Excerpt
She was my first and only girlfriend. I know that I can't go back, that she doesn't care about me and never did, but I miss her and want her back.
What would you have me do?

These statements are not unconnected.

I'd tell you to have more experiences with women - but it's not about what I'd have you do, but what you'd have you do.
What would you do if you were the hero of your own movie?

These relationships are hellacious, but having one as your first and only reference, is extra painful.
Clearly, you're extremely resilient.
I hope you recognise that?

Life can throw some nasty, nasty ordeals at us. You've already survived one of the worst ones.

Your best days are all ahead of you.
So what would you have you do?
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joeramabeme
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
Posts: 995



« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2017, 09:09:54 PM »

Hi Null

"What would you have me do?"

First off, I would have you pat yourself on the back!   Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

From all you listed, you have done a superb job of getting back on track and moving on, even if you do not always feel that way.  Congratulations!  Job well done!


She was my first and only girlfriend. I know that I can't go back, that she doesn't care about me and never did, but I miss her and want her back.


This is very understandable.  Even though we know these r/s' are unhealthy for us, they have an addictive quality that keeps us wanting more.  I would submit that since this is your first relationship that it is a very tough passage into the world of dating, or more explicitly, breaking up. 

I think you will find that non-BPD styled r/s' are not like this and people can really be genuine friends with one another after a split.  There may be a certain degree of taking this statement on faith, but there are many here that can attest to its accuracy.

Have you had any contact with your ex?  Have you given any thought to writing a letter, that you do not have to send, telling your ex goodbye and why you are moving on?  This may help in the process of determining what you would like next. . .
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Null

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2017, 12:58:57 AM »

you're extremely resilient... .You've already survived one of the worst ones.

you have done a superb job of getting back on track and moving on

Thanks, I take it as a point of pride. I'll never break, no matter what.

I'd tell you to have more experiences with women... .having one as your first and only reference, is extra painful.


Yeah, most advice I've gotten is to meet someone else. I've tried being more sociable and was interested in another girl. I'm pretty sure she isn't interested but I think long term the fact that I was willing to take a gamble on someone else and be vulnerable shows a significant marker in my progress.

very tough passage into the world of dating... .non-BPD styled r/s' are not like this

I was pretty cynical about relationships even before I got involved with her. I'm trying to take it as a valuable experience - I learned a lot and am much better equipped to recognise and respond to the issues within relationships.

I'm trying to take the attitude that I was able to recognise the manipulations and lies as they happened, and use that to give me the confidence to deal with any potential issues head on rather than just avoid relationships in the future.

Have you had any contact with your ex?  Have you given any thought to writing a letter, that you do not have to send, telling your ex goodbye and why you are moving on?

None, I suspect the absence of any attempts to reconnect are due to the shame of her recognising how poorly she treated me.
The breakup was fairly cordial (a neutral listing of my failings and flaws), and she expressed a desire to remain friends.
Of course, I could be wrong and she just doesn't care.

My psychologist recommended I write out what I wanted to say. I usually do that if I feel a particularly strong urge to break NC.

Your best days are all ahead of you. So what would you have you do?

That's where I'm not sure :\ I suppose at the moment I'm just going to take it one step at a time. Rework my perspectives and try and let go of the bitterness.
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lovenature
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731


« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2017, 10:09:49 PM »

Welcome Null

I can empathize with you as my uBPDexgf was also my first relationship, and I really tried to make it work.

Excerpt
None, I suspect the absence of any attempts to reconnect are due to the shame of her recognising how poorly she treated me.
The breakup was fairly cordial (a neutral listing of my failings and flaws), and she expressed a desire to remain friends.
Of course, I could be wrong and she just doesn't care.

Truth is she most likely blames you and/or someone else for the break up; PWBPD can't handle the intense shame they feel over even the slightest criticism or failure, so they rely on psychological defences such as projection to avoid painful emotions. She probably doesn't want to loose you as an attachment but doesn't want to be too close (remain friends). PWBPD make up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, a reality where they typically are the poor victim that has been hurt by others.
Always go by their actions over their words, after all we gain trust by our actions matching our words.
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Null

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2017, 05:24:07 AM »

Truth is she most likely blames you and/or someone else for the break up

Yeah, I suppose this idea of "deep down she knows she did wrong" is just wishful thinking. She'll always twist it in her mind to be my fault.

Always go by their actions over their words, after all we gain trust by our actions matching our words.

I'd say looking at her actions shows pretty clearly how she feels about me, too.
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joeramabeme
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
Posts: 995



« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2017, 12:00:13 PM »

Always go by their actions over their words, after all we gain trust by our actions matching our words.

Ya know, when I replay the days gone by this has always been the most confusing point.  There is so much she did for me and for us; lots of actions indicated that she wanted it all to work.  But her emotions kept pulling her backwards.

One day I caught a glimpse of her journal lying out.  I was in amazement as I perused a few months worth of journal entries that could be pretty much surmised as her being angry over the slightest of things, dare I say that she was upset that I was present and left a trace of that presence.  Seriously; jrb left bathroom door open, left plates on counter etc.  Before and after each entry she wrote "I am angry ... .".  It scared me.  Literally, I was scared.

I rambled some  . . . I think my point was that their actions indicate their desires and often point to a very mixed message, but it is the feelings that really tell you what is going on with them.  She was simply pissed off and then I was there.  FWIW, her actions did clearly state she wanted out as she asked for divorce and then left. 
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lovenature
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731


« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2017, 06:53:03 PM »

To a PWBPD feelings=facts; they literally make up their own reality based on their current emotion of the moment, that is why their behaviour is so confusing so much of the time. When you add in what I think is the saddest part of the disorder - the closer you get the more you are pushed away, which is the opposite of what we have ever known about basic human behaviour, it only stands to reason we get very confused and hurt.
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