I need practical advice and information

[BPD Spouse]

My husband appears to have BPD, given all that I have observed over our 33 year marriage.  He has had two major depressive episodes, but otherwise has not been diagnosed as having BPD.  He has a family history of what has been identified as some form of Bipolar illness. 
We had a relatively loving marriage for the first 20+ years, though he had recurring professional challenges.  Over the past 8 years or so (he did not react well to being empty nesters), we have been experiencing difficulties, often related to him feeling that he is under loved and under appreciated by me, in particular, and our daughters.
He is highly intelligent and well-educated.  He can be extremely charming when he chooses to be.
He reacts emotionally and takes things personally, without examining the possible consequences of his reactions.  We were separated for 13 months a little over a year ago.  I left because he was acting out and left me no choice.  He then decided that "losing me would be the biggest mistake he would ever make in his life", so we agreed that I would return, and we would both work to rekindle our marriage, the old, "I love you, but I am not in love with you".
I am hoping to hear from those of you that have had similar experiences.
Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome BPD Spouse:     

I'm so sorry that you have a troubled relationship with your husband.  You say that he has had two major depressive episodes and there is a family history of some form of Bipolar illness.  Is your husband currently getting any treatment for his depression (meds and or therapy)?  I understand that you husband has not had a BPD diagnosis. BPD generally doesn't stand alone.  Most people who end up with a BPD diagnosis, generally have had symptoms of or a diagnosis of  depression, bipolar, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD/ADD, OCD or other disorders. 

We were separated for 13 months a little over a year ago.  I left because he was acting out and left me no choice.  He then decided that "losing me would be the biggest mistake he would ever make in his life", so we agreed that I would return, and we would both work to rekindle our marriage, the old, "I love you, but I am not in love with you".  I am hoping to hear from those of you that have had similar experiences.

You say you both agreed to work on rekindling your marriage.  Your posting here is a good step forward on your part.  Is your husband willing to go to couple's therapy or work on learning some skills to manage his emotions better? 

It isn't necessary to have an official BPD diagnosis, to make things better.  There are lessons here on various communication skills that can be helpful in all relationships.  These skills can be beneficial, when used with someone with a personality disorder. 

A good place to start with some skills is to look in the right margin and go to the middle area where there are links to "Basic Tools".  Some people like to come back to post about various skills, once they have studied them.  It can be valuable to check your understanding and gain support on how to use the tools in various situations.  It takes some practice, but once you gain some confidence in using the communication tools, it can make things better for you.

[Mutt]

Hi BPD Spouse, 



I'd like to join Naughty Nibbler and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult period. Naughty Nibbler is right, BiP is a mood disorder, depression as well and BPD usually has an underlying clinical depression. The traits of the disorder are usually apparent when a pwBPD are going through periods of anxiety and stress.

I'm happy that you decided to join us, it helps to surround yourself with people that can give you realistic feedback about yourself because a pwBPD will usually give you negative feedback which is a distorted and it can make us feel lonely and confused. What is your support network like in real life, do you spend time with family and friends, people that can give you positive feedback? Are you seeing a T? You're not alone, it helps to talk to people just like you.

[Meili]

I would like to join the others in welcoming you.

Over the past 8 years or so (he did not react well to being empty nesters), we have been experiencing difficulties, often related to him feeling that he is under loved and under appreciated by me, in particular, and our daughters.

Your children leaving home may have triggered abandonment issues within him. I experienced that with my mother as I grew older, became independent and moved out.

pwBPD often have abandonment fears. Because they feel emotions more intensely than others, the fears become overwhelming and they act out rather than facing their fears. They seem to do this because looking at their fears requires them to look at themselves and their own shortcomings. Given the intensity of their emotions, a feeling of extreme shame can result.

Learning all that you can about BPd and the people who exhibit BPD traits will help. If I may suggest, the article, Understanding your partner's behaviors, would be an excellent place for you to begin learning more about the disorder. It may help you better understand why your husband acts as he does.

It also helps to read the posts of others. Most all of us quickly realize that we are not alone in what we have experienced. Feel free to ask whatever questions you wish. We will provide support, answers, and advice.

What are you doing for yourself to deal with all of these life changes and stressers?