Guidance

[tryingtostand]

I am a Mother-in-law to a possible BPD.  I am a Mother of 3 sons.  I am married to a recovering (currently) Alcoholic.  I am an Al-Anon life member since 2000.  My sons all got engaged in 2010.  Two of them married in 2011.  The third son married in 2012.  They have all had their 1st child in 2016.  My possible BPD daughter -in-law was the last to have her child in 10/16.   I thought she was a very special young woman when I first met her.  I thought it was very special that she was raised in the same area my parents were raised.  They both died before she entered our lives.  I quickly became confused on their wedding day.  My daughter-in-law did not appear to be the same girl I met earlier.  My son also seemed different.  I did not see my son on his wedding day until at the reception.  And then it was only for a couple minutes.  I remember being dumb-founded on how her family acted during their wedding day.  They kept to themselves and did not mingle with non-family members.  My daughter-in-law has presented herself as a victim from the very beginning.  Having been an Al-Anon member, I have steered away from getting tangled up in her stuff.  I have always been kind and supportive to her.  I have tried to encourage her along the way.  My husband fell off the wagon starting in 2012.  Our boys have always been his pride and joy.  But when all our sons got married, we both learned a hard life lesson.  It is very different raising boys versus girls.  Most boys become involved in their wife's family and leave their family of origin behind.  My husband's drinking and his raw feelings became a real issue for 2 of our 3 sons and their wives in 2016.  Since our sons have married, they all drink now and have alcohol in their homes.   I shared the official Al-Anon info to them, hoping this would help them understand what our family was struggling with.  And also  help our sons to understand their own possible problem with alcohol.  This particular daughter-in-law ran with the info I provided.  She and my son established their boundary with my husband.  She also influenced my youngest son and his wife to treat my husband the same.  Since then, we have had 3 grandbabies born into our family.  My husband for a while only saw one grandbaby.  He and I have been in counseling since 9/2016.  And our youngest son and his wife joined us for a few sessions.  We are now seeing them on a regular basis.  My possible BPD daughter-in-law has had all kinds of excuses for not seeing my husband nor having him see our grandbaby.  Our son also has cut his communication with my husband.  They were so very close when he was growing up.  I have seen our grandbaby only a couple times.  I feel at times I am being punished for not behaving in an acceptable manner.  I have had phone conversations with both my son and his wife, trying to set up a time when I could visit them and their baby.  All this has angered our oldest son.  He and his wife have recently established their boundary with my son and his possible BPD wife.  I have been accused of setting my son and his possible BPD wife up.  They did not understand what ramification their actions might have on people.  They feel like the villains.  I have been told I have not supported them.  I have not been around to see their baby.  They are looking for me to take the blame.  So here is where I am.  I have written a letter to them (haven't mailed it yet) - saying I am so sorry.  I did not mean to hurt them.  I think it's best I take a little break right now.  I am not  giving up on our relationship.  I hope we can repair our relationship.  I still love them.  I cannot continue to reach out to my son and his possible BPD wife without being deeply hurt and potentially regressing to my unhealthy self.   Asking for feed-back, is this BPD?, others experience, hopeful actions.  Thank you for letting me share.                               

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Tryingtostand and welcome! 

Sounds as if you have a lot on your plate right now! Wow, three weddings and lots of babies in the past few years would cause anyone an extra amount of stress! You've gone from having three sons to a very empty house. That is very tough. It will take some time to adjust. I am very glad that you and DH have been attending T together. to help you through these major changes in your lives.

Some of the behaviors you've described are quite typical of what is often seen in a pwBPD. We of course cannot diagnose a person, but we can encourage you to become more familiar with BPD and what other members here have experienced in their own lives. A BPD very typically treats people and situations as if they are black or white, right or wrong, and there is generally no in between. A healthy person can see the nuances of relationships and happenings and work to navigate through difficulties, but a BPD will either like you or not like you at any given time. My T says they have a naughty list and a nice list. Depends on what day it is and which list you happen to be on at any given time. With my uBPDm, if she put someone on the black list, they were there pretty much forever! It can be so unsettling, wounding, and beyond hurtful, especially if you didn't do anything to cause the problem, yet you are blamed for it. Yes, if she is BPD, you will be punished for somehow 'rejecting' her. Your son has jumped on the drama triangle, and will support his wife at all costs. I'm going to include a couple of links for you that may be helpful, especially one about the Karpman Drama triangle.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Setting Boundaries

Have you been able to read about "What is Borderline Personality Disorder" over on the right hand side? ------>> > If you click on any sentence, it will open up into a larger explanation. A great book I would recommend for you to read is I Hate You-Don't Leave Me, the updated version. Read all you can here at the site, and you may want to think about introducing the topic to your T as well. Taking time and space from the drama of the situation is indeed a great idea. In the end, as your DH works on his own issues surrounding alcohol, your sons will eventually see the change. Don't give up hope!

 
Wools

[tryingtostand]

Thank you Wools.  I will work through your suggestions.  I will mail out my letter.  I will focus on taking care of myself and also educating myself on BPD. Your reply has been helpful.  One step at a time.   

Tryingtostand

[Panshekay]

I'm very sorry, you do have a lot on your plate. I have a daughter,  a son with undiagnosed soon to be ex wife, and then another son.  I am close to all our children.  Our middle son with the undiagnosed soon to be xw didn't marry until he was 30.  They were together 3 years before they married. It's been a rollercoaster ride, very difficult. What I learned is no matter what I did it wasn't right. I remember being ill with cancer and her calling me to tell me how dare I not take care of her after she had my grandson when I knew she was depressed!  I had just had surgery.  I was shocked, I didn't know if I was going to live or die much less that she was depressed. She eventually convinced our son to move away and alienated him from us.  It took a few years but he finally saw the light.  If I can give one piece of advice it would be to take care of yourself. You will never make everyone happy and that's ok.  Stay true to yourself, extend Grace when you can and enjoy those grand babies. There is a wealth of information on this site with great caring people who have been where you are now that have great insight. Stay strong.

[tryingtostand]

Thank you Panshekay.  Your post has been timely.  I am not having a strong emotional day.  Your caring words are lifting me up.  Thank you again! 

[Panshekay]

You are very welcome. Our son and I have gotten so much help and great advice here... .it's nice to be able to give someone else some hope.

[tryingtostand]

Tryingtostand -
                       I have written a letter to my pwBPD and my Son.  Please read it and advise me on it's content.  I am not sure if my words are Validating enough.  My goal is to place a boundary for now.  After I educate myself on BPD, I would again like to reach out to them.  For your info - our last phone conversation was trying to get me to take the blame for our family problems (my son included here).  Here is the letter:

                  I have been thinking about our last phone conversation.  It sounds like I am hurting you and adding more stress to your day to day.  I always say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing.  I do not want to cause you more pain or continue to upset you.  I am sincerely sorry.
                  I think it's best if I take a little break for now.  I am not abandoning you.  I am not giving up on us.  I truly love you and want to be a part of your lives.  I am still hopeful that we can repair our relationship and grow in our love and respect for each other.
                  Wishing you better days.  Love Always,

What do you think?  Also my son's birthday is coming up.  I'm thinking of mailing him a card. What are your thoughts on that?

Thank you!  Tryingtostand   

[Panshekay]

I think you should do what is best for you. Are you getting any counseling?  You have a lot going on and it can be physically and mentally draining.  I think as mothers we put ourselves last! Please take care of you.  It sounds like you need some time away to gather your thoughts and feelings and you are trying to establish some good boundaries.   I like what you said about not abandoning them and not giving up.   With your sons birthday coming up soon a birthday card is probably the best option, especially if you dont feel a phone call would be beneficial for you and your son at this time.  No matter what I always wanted our son to know that I loved him and would always love him, I would always be his mother and would always be there for him.  I never wanted him to feel I was giving up on him.  I prayed a lot. I hope this helps.   

[Panshekay]

I wanted to let you know that I asked my son his opinion on the letter idea. He felt you shouldn't  take ownership of something that isn't yours to take. You don't need to explain why you are setting boundaries. Just because they say all this is your fault doesn't make it true, you don't need to explain yourself in a letter, by doing that you give her something physically to have that she can show your son over and over and over again, kind of like "see, your mom says blah blah blah, She says it's her fault, she's crazy".   He also said to send a kind loving birthday card to your son as you usually would do and try to see your grandbaby when possible.  He also told me when our family pulled back and had boundaries it made him look more closely at his wife and how she had alienated everyone.  That's what made him wake up.  Everything that he said makes sense, I hadn't thought about it that way.  Since he was the one in that relationship he sees a side of it that I didn't see. 

[tryingtostand]

Dear Panshekay - I truly appreciate you asking your son about my current situation.  He seems very insightful.  Unfortunately, after some prayer, I mailed my letter this morning.  I am taking a leap of faith and asking God to handle the outcome according to His Will.  My son texted me last evening reminding me of my last comment - I needed to think some things through and I would get back to him(them).  I have not responded - my letter is my response.  Right or wrong, I have put a ball in play.  I am taking this time to educate myself on BPD, trying to learn about the Karpman Triangle and how to better communicate with a pwBPD.  One day at a time.  Thank you again for your input.  You are most helpful.

Tryingtostand     

[Panshekay]

You are welcome.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers.  Knowledge is power, I too am constantly reading and gathering information.  When this first all started I was very angry, now I just feel sorry for her, she didn't ask for this mental illness, I believe her mother suffers from this as well.  I feel especially sorry for my grandchildren, they are the innocent victims.  Good luck and take care of yourself.  We are so much stronger than we believe.