I think I died today ...

[ItsVal]

Here I am again ... .I just died a little more today.

For those of you reading and not knowing tha back story, my most recent thread was this : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305196.msg12842760#msg12842760

After that I haven't heard from her for weeks. I kept working like crazy on the project trying to keep the deadlines in check. Sleepless nights and a lot of work into it. Last monday evening I got a call from her boss asking me to get some extra changes done on some modules by wednesday evening 5 PM because of unforseen stuff they needed that done. I worked through the night and on tuesday canceled all my other appointments for tuesday and wednesday to keep working through the night again.

Wednesday morning while working I got an email from E. asking for her password once again but in kind of a weird friendly though professional wording. I replied stating that her account was created by her boss weeks ago, that their had been activity and a password change a couple of days later and asking if she wanted me to reset an regenerate a new random password to be delivered by mail. I didn't get a reply so didn't do it.

I kept working all day and barely made it to the appointment at 5PM but it was a succes, the modules worked perfectly, no errors whatsoever and very fast results. I left at 11:45PM, but instead of feeling good, I felt beaten and down. This was our baby, the same thing happened last year in septembre when we were still together for another meeting and she then supported me and she even setup a small celebration the next day at my mom's place. To make matters worse on my way home our song was playing on the radio ... .I had to restrain myself from breaking NC and sending a text but I managed and didn't send anything ... .By the time I got home I was crying like a child ... .Got into bed around 1 AM and cried myself to sleep.

Thursday back to work, busy day trying to get more done than I should because of the canceled appointments the days before. Got home late really tired but couldn't go to bed early since more work needed to be done. After a short night I woke up at 6:30 AM from a text that came in on my phone ... .From E: 'Could you please call me today?'

I didn't reply directly instead I tried to get some more sleep but no luck. Got up drove to work and just before arriving at my first appointment of the day I sent : 'I will call you you late afternoon/early evening. Busy schedule today.' Around lunch had a phonecall with her boss discussing the next deadlines ... .

I worked until 6 PM through my appointments and got in my car to drive back home. After about five min. I received a text, but didn't read it since I was driving and tired and I usually don't even read texts while driving. 5 min. later I call E. and I immediately get an aggressive 'Oh so now you can call back, is that the professional service you are giving? I explained that I had a busy day and just got in my car and had time to call. She immediately got all hyped up and started stating that I don't reply to her mails I don't call back in a timely manner, that I'm just out to piss her of since I do reply to her coworkers and boss and so on ... .I got a little defensive and stated that I did replied but never got an answer to my question to regenerate a password to which she stated that she did reply, even two days in a row ... .After 3 min of the same she suddenly stated that she stood up for me in front of coworkers complaining about the slow progress and I was astonished  to hear that she even had some new customers lined up waiting to get into the project... .but that didn't last long and she want back to blaming and stuff soon there after. We finished the call and 45 min. later I got home.

I read the text I got, it was her : 'Wow ... .is that your service for your project? That wasn't your plan! Ok, I'll handle it through the coworkers then. E.'
I replied : 'Wow indeed! Just got home and just read your text. Anyway, I'll look into later'
She : 'Seen my mails from the last two days?'
One more time she: 'Come on, don't mess around, I will give you new customers as a gift, I suppos you're interested right'
Me to her first text : 'No, not yet, first coffee and some food, I'll look into it then'
to her second : 'What do you think, as you always say yourself: Don't ask stupid questions. You'll hear from me today.

So after eating and stuff I start looking into it, and to my surprise she did actually sent me two mails in the same weird friendly/professional wording as the initial one, one on wednesday and one on thursday as a reply to my question to regenerate her password. But in the chaos on wednesday I made the mistake to reply to her using my personal email address and in all my personal mailboxes I had blocked her so I never saw the mails comming in. So I wrote her an email apologising for my mistake, explaining what happened (she knew about the filter on my personal addresses) and stating that instead of waiting a simple call or text stating she needed it urgent would have been faster and wouldn't have lead to this situation in the first place. I gave her instructions how to get on the project website and gave instructions how to get the new customers enrolled. I sent the mail and texted her : 'A word is a word, you got mail' to which I soon got a 'Thank you'.

I worked a little more and got to bed. Got up and started working again, and noticed that even though she was so aggressive and stuff, she never even logged on to the project. How can it be so urgent then? Anyway, worked through the morning today and around lunch time suddenly a text : 'I wanted to call' to which I replied : 'I am available' to which she replied : 'I can't get through'. Since I thought it had to do with the password issue I took a sigaret and went outside and called her myself. And this is when I started dying as soon as she started speaking. She was driving to the store after going to my mom's to pick up some stuff I left there halfway decembre last year after a big blowup from her and threatening with sending her ex over and the police to pick them up. Even though we agreed before I would leave it at my mom's place. Along with her stuff where two notes I wrote back then telling her to stop blaming/accusing me of everything, stop treating me like ___. Another note as a reply to a note she wrote me and left at my mom's place earlier in decembre, talking about time travel and S. Hawking/Einstein stuff, stating that I missed those talks, I missed my best friend and that that was us and we never would find someone to talk to at that level again. The kid started talking to me too and after a spending a bit talking to him she came back to that note in which I wrote ':)amn you, this is us! You are still my universe, and not what you make of me now!' I could hear it in her voice she got emotional about it and she talked about it (in the past tense) that this was indeed us. She then suddenly stated that she was driving the wrong way and stopped at the side of the road to turn around. And exclaimed guess where I am : I am the dancebar where we first kissed! To which I replied : There is no coincidence ... .We ended the call in a friendly way.

My mom called me to bring me up to date five minutes later but since I allready spoken to E. that didn't take long. Only two minutes later E. called back and started talking about the project again, that she wanted to get into action for it and stuff like that. Didn't take long though so short call ended. Only 15 min. later I got a text : 'Stoepa (a restaurant we used to go to regularly) in 30min?'

I DIED right then and there and litteraly fell on my knees! Picked myself back up and replied : 'Sorry, this is unexpected, I promised your boss to have a new module online and working by next week. Next week?' (Just used that as an excuse because I was in no condition to meet her at all, tired and emotional)
She : 'Just because I'm around your home town now.'
Me : ':)oesn't have to be at my hometown'
She : 'Never mind'
Me : 'Ok'
She : 'If you change your mind, I'll have a quick lunch there, I only have an hour so it won't take long'
Me : ':)amn you  As much as I would like I really can't make it, and even then by the time I'm there you'll have to go'
She : 'Ok, I'll be there in 5 min. LOL'
Me : 'Flashback' (she used to be able to convince me to meet for lunch/dinner during busy times when we where together) Enjoy your meal.

and that's it ... .DAMN that women! Is she sincere? my mom told me that she moved out half of january to go live by herself with her son (she moved back in with her ex after our breakup but always stated they were not an item anymore). So she has had more nights alone to think, she read my notes and talked with my mom a bit, nothing personal though since my mom had a friend over too. She stated that I should contact her whenever I need anything (for the project) and stated that we had a unique bond for the ten years we've know each other, that we both will never have that with someone else ... .

Is this truthfull or just a trick again ? This is really getting to me (again). After three weeks of full NC now this ... .Any thoughts?

[infjEpic]

and that's it ... .DAMN that women! Is she sincere? my mom told me that she moved out half of january to go live by herself with her son (she moved back in with her ex after our breakup but always stated they were not an item anymore). So she has had more nights alone to think, she read my notes and talked with my mom a bit, nothing personal though since my mom had a friend over too. She stated that I should contact her whenever I need anything (for the project) and stated that we had a unique bond for the ten years we've know each other, that we both will never have that with someone else ... .

Is this truthfull or just a trick again ? This is really getting to me (again). After three weeks of full NC now this ... .Any thoughts?

There was a lot in the post and it's a little difficult to follow.
I think I got the main points tho.

So I'm gonna tell you the the way it usually works, and then you tell me if it makes any sense.

The way it usually works is that, they monkey branch continuously.
They probably monkey branched to an ex or a replacement while they're with you.
Then after they move on from you, they monkey branch to you, or a different ex, or another replacement.

They always state they're not an item - except when they're trying to hurt you. (9 chances in 10, they were or still are an item)

Taking a guess, she resumed relationship with ex - that failed. You are backup number 2 or 3 etc.
==

The other point I would emphasise to you, is you are describing how lonely and vulnerable you are.
And I'm very sorry to hear it.

But when we are that vulnerable, we are much more prone to self delusion.
That self delusion - involves projection.
 
BPDs project bad thoughts, emotions - where they don't exist.
Caretakers project good ones - where they don't exist.

I had the sense that you are ignoring past transgressions, and projecting your hopes and dreams.
I may be wrong, but that is just what I sensed.
It's nothing to be ashamed about - we have all done it, but it leaves us very vulnerable to further exploitation.

==

She stated that I should contact her whenever I need anything (for the project) and stated that we had a unique bond for the ten years we've know each other, that we both will never have that with someone else ... .

Textbook manipulation.

[ItsVal]

I feel like dying, my chest hurts, my head hurts ... .thoughts spinning.

Anxious, is she playing a trick on me?
Relieved, that she does think of me in a good way at least this once
Scared of what's to come ... .

[roberto516]

I was in a borderline relationship for 3 years and died a little bit. Now I was in another one for 15 months and have finally decided today that I am done. The past 2 months have been hell. Me trying to reach out to her, begging, not talking about it with friends for fear we would get together again, and intense blackout rage where I said some of the meanest things ever.

But it seems like you guys work together? I work with my ex for the same company but different locations so I can see the difficulty you have.

It's tough. I'm probably gonna have a bad day. But I am literally smiling to myself, and talking out loud reminding myself that "Life is beautiful and I will not allow her to control me anymore." Sure I got used. But I'm not dying. I don't have cancer or anything.

And then I just spoke to a friend about it, and as I was filling her in on the situation I thought to myself, "My god she really is a lunatic! Why would I ever want to be with her again. I deserve better!"

I hope some of this helps. But I will continue to use this board and be ready to talk at anytime. Because I'm gonna need it one day. This is an addiction. And I work at a drug/alcohol rehab. The key to sobriety is to abstain, and use the fellowship for support. We are a fellowship. And I would like nothing better than to try to assist you in anyway. We are good people! Let's be good to ourselves first, and then to each other 

[infjEpic]

I feel like dying, my chest hurts, my head hurts ... .thoughts spinning.

Anxious, is she playing a trick on me?
Relieved, that she does think of me in a good way at least this once
Scared of what's to come ... .

Do you have a support system Val?
Do you have family or friends you can lean on at this time?

What are you doing for self care?

When I was experiencing anxiety, I found that mindfulness, deep breathing and meditation helped immensely.
Perhaps you would like to try:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJb55LBKPpM

What is the greatest source of your anxiety?

[ItsVal]

Update:

Didn't hear anything on sunday, on monday I just got a forwarded email for the project, no comments or notes added to the original mail from a user. So I thought oh well that's it, she just had a weak moment on saturday and she's back to where she was before.

But low and behold, today around 12:30 the texting began :

She : I want the information from the project you gave ... .When?
Me : You mean the info from the mail on friday?
She : No, I'm in a meeting now
She : And the coworkers are not convinced of the project and I told that I would take it up
Me : ? I don't get it, I'm working too, can I reach you later?
She : Yes but not tonight
Me : I won't be able to call until after 6 PM

No response anymore, so at 6 PM I started with

Me: I'm available in 10/15 min.
She: I'm not, sorry
Me: Ok, let me know when you are.

And finished ... .

What the hell is she trying to accomplish? She accused me of being the worst person she knew, hacking, tracking, stalking, being disordered, not ever wanting anything to do with me anymore, banning me from her life and that of her son (my godchild) during the last 5 months. Even on friday during the phonecall then accused me of messing around with her ... .

At the end of january I sent her an email clearly stating I didn't want any communication with her anymore except professionally, and that she lost all right to have a say about me and the project the moment she left me because of the monster she thought I was.

And now she's throwing herself right back in between me and her coworkers by abusing the project, and she knows I'm financially tied to the succes of it ... .

I could use the help if she is sincere, but I don't trust her anymore! But if I decline, she'll go running to her boss ... .Damn ... .What to do ... .

[Mr.R.Indignation]

In my humble opinion I think she's retributing by shunning you. Hell hath no fury like a pwBPD scorned and all that.

Allow me to explain in convoluted metaphor.

My phrase for monkey branching is 'trampolining.'

In all likelihood, as a matter of disassocation, she hates being brought down to Earth because she can't deal with it.

She's looking to use you as a safety net (or trampoline) because she feels insecure or vulnerable in some way, and having you support her will be just the right fix for her to bounce back up again and keep her feet off the ground. Whenever her head comes out of the clouds and she starts plummeting back down down down down down to Earth, you'll be there again, the ever-vigilant trampoline, hanging on in your spot, ready to help her make the jump AWAY from you yet again and onto the next high.

Someone with BPD will often be on the verge of crashing, so they go from trampoline to trampoline because doing otherwise would require far more risk and effort. It's an act of fear; not laziness, not love, not anything beyond a haywire instinct for danger. If they can get a little positivity it allows them to function. It's almost like OCD and touching a doorhandle five times before you open it, except this would equate to gaining attention from a specific person until feeling relieved and safe enough to get on with their lives. It's just ritual.

But! You took away her trampoline. Which means that momentarily she landed, and she doesn't like feeling the grass between her toes. Now she has to release those frustrations by taking them out on you for causing her compulsive irritation. So she gets into contact with you, then gives you the cold shoulder. Why? Spite. Panic. An attempt to relieve a pain by attacking whatever's nearest to it, rather than the root, because that's the quickest and easiest form of relief despite being the most inefficient.

As an additional point... .

My ex hates being used and the effects are rarely good for her physical or mental health, but she seems to only ever feel complimented when she's being used or objectified in some way. I'd presume it's a power thing - it makes her feel in control and positive in that moment even if she'll hate herself for it, because it's the only way she can access feeling validation. Your ex could be doing a similar thing by holding the project over your head - she's got something you want and that makes her feel more secure.

Harsh is it sounds I think it'd be an error to view her as a creature of emotional complexity. My other phrase for trampolining is 'being the stairs,' because she'll walk all over you to get somewhere else. You'll never be her destination, but she needs to get there somehow.

Finally, I noticed that you said she stated 'a connection that we'll both never have with someone else.' Does it not seem a little strange that she spoke for you? To me that screams self-appeasement, alongside (as Infj more concisely wrote) textbook manipulation.

It's a tricky situation, but has she ever ultimately done something selfless? Has she ever ultimately done something selfless for you? I wouldn't trust that she's getting involved for any non-selfish reason.

[infjEpic]

Allow me to explain in convoluted metaphor.

My phrase for monkey branching is 'trampolining.'

Not convoluted - I thought that was a very good explanation. Great post.

[ItsVal]

And it continues ... .

Didn't get anything back on tuesday. But wednesday morning around 7:20 I got a missed call from her. Two minutes later a text : "You still got my number blocked ... .I can't get through'.

Her number isn't blocked but she knows all to well I only get up at between 7:30 and 8 AM ... .I didn't reply, left for work. And around 13:15 a text : "Call me". Since it was businesshours and she is entitled to support for the project I called. Guess what ... .

She picks up : "Hey, about saturday, when can I come over to your place to get the info/demo about the project"? I'm stunned. She wants to come over to my place? I tell her I have an appointment in the morning and after that I can drop by in her city when on my way back home. She is silent and starts ranting : No I can't do that, nobody has any business with my private situation and I can't do that. Both you and D (her ex before me, the father of her child) have no business with my private life, and have to stop poking around. Everybody here knows our history and I can't just say I'm back in contact with you for any reason. If D. found out he would kill me. And on top of that, I'm not alone at home. I reply : Oh so your ashamed of me. To which she replies : Look what you did was wrong, way wrong, there is so much that we haven't talked about yet so I can't let you come over. If you don't want me to come over I'll take it up with the coworkers and the boss. If you let me, I'll bring A. (her son, my godchild) along, so you can see him again. I take a moment and eventually give in. I'll let her know when I'm home on saturday. I have no choice ... .She's forcing her way back in my private life using the project as an excuse and using her son too as means to get her way. If I don't give in she'll take it up with the bosses and discredit me once more ... .We end the conversation. In between she mentions the boss is out for a week, so I can't even contact the boss to ask why E. has taken charge of the project.

Two min. later I can't help myself and I send a text: "I don't get you, last saturday you told me you don't want any coworkers to know our history and pretend not to know anything about the project and three days later, you throw yourself out there on a meeting stating you'll take it up with me? Anyway, just had to let this out... ."
She: "That has nothing to do with this. I promised in the meeting to let them know how it works and where it's at. No problem for me if I have to give this to someone else. But I didn't get the info/demo so then you'll have to come to the office to give it to me. I try to make it work but I stand by my point, our private life is no more. You betrayed my trust. You can't change that anymore, it's gone.
8 minutes later next text from her : Maybe you can regain that trust a bit by answering everything honestly. But I know you'll never be able to, I know you too well. You'll get that chance, but you'll see I'm right.
I reply :  This is what I meant in my mail and writing from before. There is so much not spoken about, things you hold on as the truth that aren't there and never were. And as I said on saturday, our private life isn't gone, you experienced it, and even worse, there is no coincidence. I make myself very vulnerable now by letting you back in, you know what is us, the project is us too, despite all the signs and my brain telling me I shouldn't let this happen. I hope this won't be used against me once more, and I hope you can see that I am worthy of your trust. Just as I hope you can do the same towards me. Don't be so mysterious and let us handle this as discrete as possible. I don't want people to call me crazy either because I let you back in to my personal life. So keep it quiet. I'll call you tonight, not for private stuff but to discuss the priorities for the project. Thx and sorry but hug ... .

And complete silence after that. I texted her around 21:00 asking if she was reachable but nothing ... .

WHAT THE HELL is she trying to accomplish know ... .She litteraly made several 180's in less than 5 days. She calls and texts whenever she feels like it, she is mingling in the project, she wants to meet on several occasions, even at my place now. All in the name of the project and claiming nothing personal. But then when I try to keep it professional, she goes all in to make me cave and blackmails me into what she wants. I have no choice to comply since the project is not finished and I'm financially tied to it. And she uses her son in her plays too. This is sickening. Is anything sincere she ever says?

[ItsVal]

It's past 3 AM and I can't sleep. Haven't heard back from her since wednesday after my last message. Don't know if I should go through with letting her in at my place supposedly to discuss the progress on the project from which she backed out doing a 180 on me 5 months ago... .and seemingly wants back in, even in my private life ... .

[roberto516]

It's past 3 AM and I can't sleep. Haven't heard back from her since wednesday after my last message. Don't know if I should go through with letting her in at my place supposedly to discuss the progress on the project from which she backed out doing a 180 on me 5 months ago... .and seemingly wants back in, even in my private life ... .

Hey Val,

I don't necessarily know all the specifics. But does she absolutely 100% have to be in this project? Cause she's probably just using that as a way to keep manipulating you. Sounds like you do you, start doing well, don't reach out  and so here she comes.

It's easier said than done I know. If I got a text right now asking to try again I don't know what I'd do. But if she doesn't have to be involved. Cut her out. Take back control. Set a boundary and don't let her keep controlling you as an unhealthy way for her to control her life.