Anyone else find that their pwBPD's view of themselves differs from reality?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Sometimes I am amazed at the things he says about his perception of himself and how that differs from the reality that I am experiencing. For example, he compliments himself frequently on his ability to see shades of grey in the world. HA! I have never met someone more firmly ensconsed in his own opinions and beliefs. He will also frequently tell me during our arguments that he has lost so much in his life that "he isn't afraid of loss" (implying that he is NOT afraid of losing our relationship). This differs tremendously from things he stated early in the relationship and from the behavior of a man who completely loses his ___ whenever I actually walk away during an argument.

I find myself wondering if he actually believes these things about himself or if he has any conscious awareness of the discrepancy between his words and his behavior. Anyone else notice this type of thing in their partner?

[Lalathegreat]

Sometimes I am amazed at the things he says about his perception of himself and how that differs from the reality that I am experiencing. For example, he compliments himself frequently on his ability to see shades of grey in the world. HA! I have never met someone more firmly ensconsed in his own opinions and beliefs. He will also frequently tell me during our arguments that he has lost so much in his life that "he isn't afraid of loss" (implying that he is NOT afraid of losing our relationship). This differs tremendously from things he stated early in the relationship and from the behavior of a man who completely loses his ___ whenever I actually walk away during an argument.

I find myself wondering if he actually believes these things about himself or if he has any conscious awareness of the discrepancy between his words and his behavior. Anyone else notice this type of thing in their partner?

[Cat Familiar]

Yes indeed. My first BPD/NPD husband told me that he "had no ego." I found that incredibly bizarre and amusing. Perhaps he meant that he had no center--that would have been accurate.

My current BPD husband recently claimed that I see things in black and white. Projection much?

Actually seeing things in shades of gray has been my downfall at times because I haven't upheld boundaries they way I should and have given people passes for bad behavior that I needn't have accepted. It's one thing to forgive; it's another thing to be a doormat.

Anyway I had to laugh to myself that he thinks he has a nuanced perspective. Of anyone I've ever known, he's one of the most black/white thinkers.

[ortac77]

Yes, Black & White thinking seems typical accompanied by a kind of fake script about life, when in this state my pwBPD is quite grandiose, and seems to believe his own illusions about what he has done and achieved in life. Its not real of course but seems to be some sort of protective mechanism (denial?) of the reality that he has no job and no real sense of purpose.

He even 'borrows' my experiences and will talk about things happening in his life that actually happened in mine. Its weird but also rather sad that he needs to do it, perhaps making up for an inner emptiness?

Is he conscious of it? Yes I think so because after one of these grandiose episodes he will sink into a depressed state, the intensity of a conscious reaction to an emotional illusion perhaps? Can he help it is another question, it seems to be an inherent feature of an illness and I feel sorry that he has so little self-esteem and self awareness that he is compelled to 'borrow mine' in order to relate to the world.

[SettingBorders]

Mine too. How often did he tell me that I was seeing a person in black and white, when in reality I had only mentioned one little thing that I disliked or would have done differently. It seems that one little mistake makes him to see that person all black.

He also once mentioned to me that he was really good in estimating lengths and hights and if a thing fits in another. If there is one thing he totally sucks at, it's this. Really, it's rediculous. So many times he thought something goes in the trunk when any child would have known that it never fits, for instance.

In couples therapy I said that he's trying to press his "advice" on how I should do things on me. As an example he often wants me to park the car in a no stopping zone for 10 Minutes, because it was easier. He then told to the therapist that he was that kind of person that gives advice only once and when it is rejected he was totally okay with it. That's the total opposite of how he is.

[Duped 1]

Yes my ex would go on and on about the importance of honesty, how honest she was, how important loyalty and unconditional love was, how she hated drama, what a strong person she was (she actually told me she was the strongest woman I would ever meet) and that we all have to answer to god someday. She was extremely lacking in all of these areas and I have never Known a bigger coward.

[lovenature]

Yes I noticed the same; PWBPD literally make up their own reality to fit their emotion of the moment, they really do believe their view of themselves and it doesn't matter how much evidence there is in actual reality to counter it, they have psychological defences that protect them from feeling the shame of not being good enough.

[ortac77]

Sadly those 'psychological defences' are dysfunctional!