First post

[cyan37]

Hello all,

I am just getting out of or negotiating a break-up with my gf of two years (her idea) following a period of absence. I have real concerns that she has undiagnosed BPD, based on my extensive time with her, her own comments and family history, testimony I've read on this forum, and reading the DSM entry for the disorder.

I guess I'm here because I want to figure out how in my situation to get her to seek help for this, without seeming like I'm diagnosing her. I realize that sounds odd, considering I have essentially decided in my mind that BPD is the issue, since I am on this forum. It's worth noting that I didn't consider the problem to be any sort of disorder until many months into the relationship, due to my aversion to psychology and reluctance to admit that something was off. After months of what I thought of as just bratty or confrontational/demanding behavior, in conjunction with her own expressed concerns over potentially suffering from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, I encountered a story that echoed my gf's behavior perfectly. Shortly after, I discovered this website and began reading to get advice from others who've gone through the difficulty of a relationship with someone like this.

I would like to continue to pursue a romantic relationship with her, but that's secondary to getting her to recognize the disorder first. We currently broke up (after a short term break), but are still trying to remain close friends since we have spent so much time together. At this time, however, she needs to be alone to work in herself and making herself happy, because she feels she's always doing things for others at her own expense. I can go into further detail about this breakup in a later post.

I guess the final straw that made me register and share my experience is that I feel like this relationship has drained my mentally, and is triggering some sort of acute mental health issues in me. While I was generally confident and very mentally resilient prior to entering this relationship, I have since become despondent and unmotivated. During our break, I had my first panic attack, and had to reach out to my gf for help, because she's was experienced with panic attacks and has slowly become one of my only friends. I also had a suicidal thought during that time. I did not act on the thought, but even feeling that I considered killing myself was unnerving. The recent depression is especially scary for me, considering I've gone through much more of what most people would consider traumatic incidents in my life, and been just fine.

Anyway, I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this little rant. Any advice or even just questions would be very helpful.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi cyan37,



I'm glad you joined the site, because you will find members here who really understand what you are going through. These kinds of relationships can be very draining; you are not alone. It's important to take good care of yourself, educate yourself about BPD, and learn skills to help your relationship—then you can be a strong presence for yourself and your girlfriend when you come together again. There is hope for things to get better. 

Before approaching her with your desire that she get help for BPD, I would recommend diving into the lessons at the right sidebar------>
They will help you understand what you may be dealing with, and give you tools to improve your relationship.

But in order to create the relationship you want, you have to feel good and balanced yourself. Are you taking good care of yourself during this break? Getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising? Have you thought of talking to a therapist? I found it very helpful.

Keep posting, and let us know how we can best support you. That's why we're here.

heartandwhole

[cyan37]

I had been neglecting myself due to heavy class work and feeling upset, but am improving. This break was prompted by her thinking my birthday gifts to her were inadequate. Holidays are really hard with her, because she gets her hopes up and is mean if disappointed. The fight happened two days before Valentine's Day, where I'm sure the gift would have made her happy, so I was pretty distraught over not being able to do Valentine's Day together

I had a suspicion for about a month (since shortly after New Years) that she had cheated on me, which hurt especially considering how important loyalty was in our relationship. On New Years we were getting along fine, but she drank alcohol at a party I invited her and her sister to. This led to her saying some pretty terrible things to me while she was blackout drunk, and repeatedly punching me in the face in front of the other party goers. When I say terrible, I mean "I hate your stupid family and I hate you,""I hope you die," "I don't want to be with you" terrible. I insisted at midnight that her sister get into an UBER and get her home to her apartment. Later that morning, she had to be hospitalized because she stabbed herself in the arm with scissors repeatedly. Someone at the party was actually studying for her PhD in psychology, and brought up that my gf might have BPD. This felt like vindication for my suspicions (I wasn't just imagining her behaviors were abnormal), but also made me realize how difficult the path ahead would be.

I was concerned about the self harm, and wanted to help her, but drafted a short letter explaining that we needed to break up if she won't get help for this. However when I saw her, she was so distraught and apologetic over what she did. I never even gave read the letter, because she was so sad about how she'd acted and telling me that she understands why I "wouldn't want to be with her" and she "didn't deserve" me, that I felt cruel hurting her. I instinctively nurtured her,  and stayed with her. While we agreed she needed to go to counseling, I decided I wasn't going to press it hard out of consideration for her remorse. She insisted she didn't mean those things at all, she didn't even remember saying them, and was just being cruel because she was drunk probably jealous.

My suspicion really began because of these comments, and was exacerbated by factors outside of our control, such as work schedules (she works an extremely stressful 7 days a week) and a complication with her birth control that led to an almost month long period. It felt like she was avoiding intimacy because she was getting it somewhere else, and the idea she was cheating on me festered in the back of my mind for that time period.

However, because I recalled how unpleasant it was for me when she would persistently say I was cheating on her, I ignored my feelings so as not to seem hypocritical or cause an argument. In my heart I knew she wouldn't do that to me, but in my head things go jumbled between our increasing arguing, her perpetual menstrual cycle, and her recent complaints that intimacy hurt her.

I know that trying to reach out to her made me seem weak, which is not likely to result in reconciling, but due to the nature of our relationship and our schedules I had lost most other sources of support. There was a little shame as well for me, admitting that I was feeling weak because if what we were going through, and how seemingly impossible it is. I'm feeling better now, and it's partly because we discussed the reasons for the break, which revolve around her being unhappy and not being able to fix it when she's with me. She and I have resolved to remain good friends and do things together, but she won't be romantically involved with anyone because she "doesn't know if she should ever be in a relationship" because she's "too crazy and jealous" (her words).

It hurts me to know she thinks she can never be with someone. She has repeated before that she will "probably end up 40 and alone" but she's okay with that. She recognizes there's a problem, and fluctuates between wanting to solve it and wanting to cover it up. I want to help her because I love her, and also probably because I don't believe in quitting on people. I have come close with this one, however.

I guess me writing this down somewhere besides the notes on my phone is part of a process of me taking better care of myself. I hadn't joined the site before out of a feeling that relaying this information would be a betrayal of the trust between myself and my gf. It really sucks to try to balance feeling loyal and honest with this person, without being totally consumed by their desires and preferences. It led to some levels of isolation and increased social ineptitude, since I only ever really saw her and our family members for a long time. She treated every one of my classmates with as untrustworthy, and we constantly argued over her unreasonable jealousy about any other woman. I had learned that it was best to avoid any interaction with women who weren't old ladies or young girls, out of fear I would awaken her insecurity and cause a nasty argument.

After many months of dealing with her particular idiosyncrasies, and me applying some of the techniques to curb arguments that I read on this website, things were starting to get better. Also, she was seeming to be more open to the idea that counselling was necessary. However, with this breakup and the circumstances surrounding it, I feel like some progress has been undone and I don't know how to proceed. It feels like being in the relationship is making me act like she did, and she's appropriated my more calm outlook. After months of trying to look at what I could do differently instead of blaming her disorder, I feel like I'm the one with the problem now.

[heartandwhole]

After months of trying to look at what I could do differently instead of blaming her disorder, I feel like I'm the one with the problem now.

That is very understandable, cyan37. We've been there. It takes strength and patience to hold your own center amidst the ups and downs of a really emotional relationship. In most cases, we have to be prepared to be the steady one, and it can feel isolating and difficult. 

Thankfully, we have tools and information that can help. You've said that you've applied some tools you've learned on this site.

Were they communication tools?

Communicating in a validating and empathic way can help a lot. Just try to remember to extend that same compassion to yourself, though, too. If you have caretaking tendencies, it's easy to put aside your own needs for your loved ones.

heartandwhole