Under the same roof during the divorce...

[NewStart]

Hey,

Anyone else out there having to live under the same roof during their divorce?

I'm finding this process difficult, now she's got it so my 7 year old step daughter won't even talk to me, my neighbors look at me cross eyed... .and the hardest part... .the way she's proceeding, the divorce isn't going to be finalized for months... .

NS

[SamwizeGamgee]

In my state, the only way for a dad to have a bid at shared custody essentially means he has to be separate living together in the marital home.  So, yes there are other who have the same reality. I have not pulled the trigger yet to divorce, but, my uBPDw and I have been living in a tense quasi-separation for a few years.  I moved to sleeping quarters in the basement two years ago. At the time, it was intended by me, as a full-blown separation leading to divorce. But, in the meantime, being separate has helped a great deal with boundaries, and I've really gotten more healthy - and that in turn makes home life better for everyone.  So, it's sort of a neutral "stuck" marriage. 
It has given me time to think about how to hadle a more adversarial separation under the same roof.  I plan on using my presence to debunk her potential brainwashing - relying on my behavior to contradict the things she says about me.  I always encourage the kids to "look for yourself and think."  It also lets me be in contact with my kids and intervene if her manipulations and verbal abuse ramp up. 

One tip I will gladly pass is to always have a hidden, working audio recorder on you when the wife is around.  She may discover how easy false accusations of domestic abuse can be - especially for a woman to accuse a man - and get you kicked out on a restraining order.  Temporary orders tend to become permanent, and set status quo - so, if she can do something to get you out - you could lose kids, house, money, and the rest.

As far as other people looking at you funny, again, be the best you that you can be.  Those people that care don't matter, and those that matter don't care what your wife says.

[NewStart]

One tip I will gladly pass is to always have a hidden, working audio recorder on you when the wife is around.  She may discover how easy false accusations of domestic abuse can be - especially for a woman to accuse a man - and get you kicked out on a restraining order.  Temporary orders tend to become permanent, and set status quo - so, if she can do something to get you out - you could lose kids, house, money, and the rest.

Ok, this piece freaks me out as people keep mentioning it... .what kind of recorder do I get as my phone has so much stuff on it that it wouldn't hold much of a recording I'm afraid, and getting to the app I have is fairly cumbersome as well?

As far as other people looking at you funny, again, be the best you that you can be.  Those people that care don't matter, and those that matter don't care what your wife says.

I'm doing my best each day, but have to say some days are harder than others.  One day at a time.

NS

[flourdust]

Look on amazon for USB audio recorder. The ones with voice-activated recording (VOR) are easiest to use.

[NewStart]

Look on amazon for USB audio recorder. The ones with voice-activated recording (VOR) are easiest to use.

Perfect, and they're cheep!

[NewStart]

... .or "cheap"... .

[ForeverDad]

This was about a dozen years ago but I at one time was using Olympus voice recorders.  They only held 4 hours back then.  But now they can hold hundreds of hours.

There's also other brands and even unique ones such as pen cams that can sit in a shirt pocket, a wide selection to pick from.

Remember, waving a recorder in a person's face can trigger overreactions and make the incident worse, or even have it snatched from you.  So in most cases record in such a way so it isn't noticed.  This is (1) documentation you weren't egging on a confrontation and (2) documentation it was the other person behaving poorly.

In the past courts weren't much interested in recordings and even seemed to discourage them.  It's a little different now since so many devices can record.  However, even if the court is reluctant, recordings are often helpful when the police or social services get involved.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Bearing in mind that 5 hours of silence could be just what is required to keep you out of jail for the night, Voice Activated Recording is not a plus.  I would prefer a recorder that locks in the record mode, and just rolls on.  :)igital files storage are cheap, keep the past 30 days or so, set aside files for disregulated gems if you need - but remember that you're not collecting evidence for court - you're adding a witness that you didn't start a fight, didn't hit her, didn't threaten her, or the kids etc.  

Also, getting something that has batteries you can quickly replace is a good thing.  If you feel things going downhill and you need to turn on the recorder, you do not have time to charge anything. Get rechargeable batteries if you like having a reusable supply.

Oh, and was said - it must absolutely remain concealed.  Keep it to yourself. 

I have found it useful to have a recording kept for a while because my wife will come back and tell me what I said in the past, so, for me, it's a witness that I'm not crazy when I remember it differently.  That's recording for my personal self-therapy.

I don't always record conversations when my wife is present.  But when I do, I prefer my Olympus WS-801.

[flourdust]

That seems pretty bulky, Sam. Where do you keep it?

I have one of the recorders built into a thumb drive. It has internal rechargeable batteries and it charges when plugged into a USB port. It doesn't beep or flash any lights when on, though it has a very subtle red or blue indicator light. I usually kept it in a pocket, though I learned that sometimes the sound of cloth moving could overpower conversation, so I tried to adjust its position to minimize that.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I carry in my pants pocket, or jacket, or shirt pocket as needed.  Even in a jeans pocket it picks up conversations in my vicinity.  The stereo mics do well enough.
But, I'm aware there are dozens and dozens of good-enough recorders out there.

[NewStart]

I just picked up a voice activated USB thumb drive recorder.  The price was right and my uBPDw's new tactic is total NC.  We now live under the same roof and she refuses eye contact and really has only communicated to let me know I need to do something, make dinner, take out the garbage, empty the dishwasher... .you get the idea.

Though we're not really communicating now I do still think the voice recorder is important, especially as we get closer to the settlement of our divorce as my real concern is that if things don't go the way she would like, that is when things could heat up... .my only regret is not having this during the relationship as I really think when you tell people what really happened it is all so surreal that even your best friends may question what "really" happened.

NS

[SamwizeGamgee]

Your post reminds of something I discovered.  I realized at some point that it was not too hard to trigger my wife into submerging into her abyss.  I'd get the silent treatment for weeks sometimes.  It became my ticket to peace and calm.
And as for the recording, you'll never know when you'll need it.  I think you can predict that sooner or later the levy will break, and your wife's silence, or "business only" conversations will turn into something ugly.
You wife might get the advice to push your buttons and incite something that could be used against you later, or, make outright false claims. 
I say that a woman scorned hath no fury like a BPD woman scorned.

[NewStart]

And as for the recording, you'll never know when you'll need it.  I think you can predict that sooner or later the levy will break, and your wife's silence, or "business only" conversations will turn into something ugly.

I think you're most likely right and that's why I'm purchasing the recorder.  Funny thing is part of me wonders if the true hard core dis-regulations are finished now that we're divorcing?  With my uBPDw her dis-regulations changed in type and severity throughout the relationship.  At first it was the classic rages, the fire in her eyes, hitting me, spitting on me etc.  Then as I fell more under her control it became more subdued with long periods of silent treatment, looks of disdain, body language and underhanded comments.  At this point it's morphed into almost like something bottled up... .we don't talk and rarely even make eye contact... .every once in a while she has a nasty comment or an order for me but that's about it... .

NS

[flourdust]

Oooh, ooh, I know the answer to this one!

part of me wonders if the true hard core dis-regulations are finished now that we're divorcing?

No.

 

[NewStart]

Oooh, ooh, I know the answer to this one!

Haha, nice!  In all seriousness now that my uBPDw and I are disconnected and not really communicating, I have to remind myself of all that bad things that got me to this spot.  I think it's hard for me as a non sometimes to not just focus on the good that we had and when I start to blame myself.  And now with the distance we have between us and the smear campaign she has fairly successfully waged... .well there really are days that I have to wake up and really look back and go through all the things that have happened over the past few years and tell myself, "it's not your fault, it really did happen... ."

NS 

[SamwizeGamgee]

That's me exactly. I say that I "cracked the code" for BPD and have got enough boundaries to keep me from getting hurt, and have learned well enough not to trigger some major eruption - and then that leads to my optimism returning and everything seems fine.  I'm happy day to day, and can't remember what was so bad about things anyway.  (But, it's like ignoring cancer or something - it's still there)

[NewStart]

... .and then that leads to my optimism returning and everything seems fine.  I'm happy day to day, and can't remember what was so bad about things anyway.  (But, it's like ignoring cancer or something - it's still there)

My uBPDw is still not that enjoyable to be around, it's more just silent treatment and condescending comments now days, so I can't say "I'm happy day to day".  But I think you're correct when you say it's like ignoring cancer because the symptoms have calmed... .it's still there and still requires treatment... .and for me that treatment is to leave uBPDw a distant memory... .unfortunately that is going to take some time and some real processing of what really happened. 

Not sure about anyone else here, but for me the healing and processing piece doesn't feel like it's going to really be able to happen until my uBPDw and I are no longer under the same roof.

NS

[ForeverDad]

BPD is a disorder impacting most the close relationships.  The closer you are, the worse it can become.  So if there is more distance the blaming, blame shifting, rants and rages may be reduced.  But the disordered perceptions are still there.  Get close again or if the person gets triggered, the prior behaviors will almost surely rise again.

This is not to say Time and Distance don't help, but the real solution is for the acting out person to diligently apply the counsel received in long term sessions.  Some do improve.  But we don't hear many of those stories here.  The odds here are that if you've made it to the Family Law board due to an obstructive or oppositional spouse, then there's not much to be done but to set your priorities to protecting yourself and your children if any.

Generally that means the relationship ends.  Sometimes we end it, sometimes the others do.  We end it to stop the dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship, to protect ourselves and our children.  The others may end it for a variety of reasons, to abandon us before they can be abandoned, to retaliate, to sabotage us with attempts to make us look worse than them, to block us from parenting, etc.

[NewStart]

BPD is a disorder impacting most the close relationships.  The closer you are, the worse it can become.  So if there is more distance the blaming, blame shifting, rants and rages may be reduced.  But the disordered perceptions are still there.  Get close again or if the person gets triggered, the prior behaviors will almost surely rise again.

At this point we are distant so the disordered perceptions are under the surface and not omnipresent as they were during the heat of our relationship.  This is the part that get's one thinking "was it really that bad" or "was it my fault"... .we're under the same roof still, the disorders aren't rearing their ugly head and she is a very attractive lady... .yeah it start to make one question what really happened... .then I remind myself of getting hit, spit on, raged at, etc. etc... .yup it did happen... .and it most likely with happen to the next sorry guy too... .

NS

[Torched]

At this point we are distant so the disordered perceptions are under the surface and not omnipresent as they were during the heat of our relationship.  This is the part that get's one thinking "was it really that bad" or "was it my fault"... .we're under the same roof still, the disorders aren't rearing their ugly head and she is a very attractive lady... .yeah it start to make one question what really happened... .then I remind myself of getting hit, spit on, raged at, etc. etc... .yup it did happen... .and it most likely with happen to the next sorry guy too... .

NS

NewStart,

Your story is very familiar to me... .even your soon-to-be-ex's behavior patterns and chronology.  I am about 8 months ahead of you and experienced the same exact feelings you are.  I had to live under the same roof for six months until we could agree on 50/50 custody.  During that time, she emotionally leached on my D10 and tried to alienate the kids from me.  She ran a disinformation campaign that has lasting consequences with my former in-laws (who know she treated me badly, oh well) and with my now former best friend's wife.  She flipped me off and scowled when I walked by in front of the kids (they told me it happened every time I entered a room for the entire six months), she started dating my best friend's other buddy within a month after I filed for divorce, she threatened to limit my custody even though I had spent 16 years of marriage caring for our kids in more ways than she did, and she had her attorney convinced I was the worst dude in the entire region (that ended after her attorney started talking to people who were mutual acquaintances).

Bottom line is that there IS a finish line for you.  Be positive as much as you can, think glass is half full whenever you are hurting.  I lost a lot of money and time, but I will never regret it because I finally learned that I wasn't crazy, that my relationship was not healthy, and that it really wasn't all my fault.  I feel liberated.  Two months ago I got permission to move out after she finally gave up attacking my child custody (due to me nearly requesting her psychiatric records) and one month ago my divorce was official.  I felt like I walked out of a prison.  That's the feeling.  I have reconnected with my family and they have re-connected with my children who were alienated from them by my exBPDw.  Last week I had my D10's birthday party and my sister and my D10 were having so much fun together I almost cried.  My sister told me privately "is this crazy to see us having such a great time together or WHAT? I can't believe your kids are now SO comfortable and HAPPY!"


It'll be o.k.

[NewStart]

Hey Torched,

I appreciate the insights and the encouragement, that yes at some point this will be behind me, as you can probably attest to when you're in the middle of the process it seems like it might never end! 

I had to live under the same roof for six months until we could agree on 50/50 custody.  During that time, she emotionally leached on my D10 and tried to alienate the kids from me.  She ran a disinformation campaign that has lasting consequences with my former in-laws (who know she treated me badly, oh well) and with my now former best friend's wife.

Man I hope this doesn't take six months, going on three plus and this is ridiculously difficult to handle, some days more than others for sure.

The using of the children as emotional support and pawns too, it hurts and I have to check myself too from talking to my boys to much about it, though they are older at 15 and 17 it still doesn't make venting to them right.  My uBPDw has taken to sleeping in her D7 bed during this process even though she has her own room.  Then her not letting me drive her D13 or S15 to school anymore, or make them food, take them skiing etc etc then telling the neighbors I've "abandoned" them... .yeah, so I've got that going for me.

Thanks again Torched, nice to hear that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel at some point... .just hoping that light isn't a train

NS



 

[ForeverDad]

My uBPDw has taken to sleeping in her D7 bed during this process even though she has her own room.  Then her not letting me drive her D13 or S15 to school anymore, or make them food, take them skiing etc etc then telling the neighbors I've "abandoned" them... .

My Ex did that to in the 3 months before we separated.  She moved into S3's bed and locked the door behind her.  In her mind its the ultimate way to reject you.  In your case though, with the marriage ending and the court surely not seeing you as having any parenting rights over children who are not your biological children, it was bound to happen eventually.  And now that she's trying to kick you from your own house, definitely time to accept it.