Drug Use

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Is drug use/abuse a common occurrence among those with BPD? Is it something you are currently dealing with in your relationship? If so, what suggestions do you have in addressing it?

Things have going well with my current partner who has had previous addiction problems with meth(prior to our relationship becoming serious). He had cleaned up and I thought we were past it. However recently, I've discovered a few things that lead me to believe he is using again (paraphernalia; single use sterile water, needles, he's been occasionally staying up all night and sleeping all day).

Needless to say, I'm absolutely devastated. Recently estranged from my family, the amount of deceit I've been put through lately, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm in desperate need of support and I have nowhere to turn.

[Echo87]

Is drug use/abuse a common occurrence among those with BPD? Is it something you are currently dealing with in your relationship? If so, what suggestions do you have in addressing it?

Things have going well with my current partner who has had previous addiction problems with meth(prior to our relationship becoming serious). He had cleaned up and I thought we were past it. However recently, I've discovered a few things that lead me to believe he is using again (paraphernalia; single use sterile water, needles, he's been occasionally staying up all night and sleeping all day).

Needless to say, I'm absolutely devastated. Recently estranged from my family, the amount of deceit I've been put through lately, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm in desperate need of support and I have nowhere to turn.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Echzo87:  

We are here to support you. I'm sorry your partner may be using drugs again. I can see how distressing that has to be for you.  

People with BPD need ways to self soothe.  They can use healthy ways or unhealthy ways. The easy way is to fall back on old habits, even if they are unhealthy.  :)rugs, alcohol, anorexia, overeating, sex, gambling can all be unhealthy ways people self soothe.

Is your partner getting any treatment for BPD?  Are there any healthy ways he has self soothed in the past?

[ortac77]

Sorry to hear that Echo, mine uses alcohol and pornography. It seems a common problem reading the threads.

Ironic really because it certainly does the opposite of 'soothe' him. He is on medication and has been told the risk if he drinks. It may sound hard but that is his problem not mine, I long ago decided not to parent him.

[Echo87]

He isn't in treatment, and has no real healthy outlets, outside of playing disc golf nearly obsessively, which I know now after a conversation with him was more so an outlet to let off energy that comes with meth use. I "confronted" him with a series of very straightforward questions and asked him to be honest with me, offered no ultimatums, and he was very honest, apologetic even... .I left it up to him to make the decision what to do to move forward. His choice was to quit,and to be honest with me if he slips. He is out of drugs and out of money at the moment.

I only hope I can trust him.

[ortac77]

The lack of 'healthy outlets' seems to be key, and no I don't think you can 'Trust them' after all I don't think they can trust themselves sadly.

My pwBPD has spent the weekend whilst I was away working making a mess of the house, drinking cider and viewing pornography - I know this because when I got home yesterday the kitchen looked like a war zone, there were empty cider bottles littering the place and he had his computer screen on with a selection of disgusting images, and chat windows open. He had fallen asleep in the lounge and of course he was angry and difficult realising he had been 'caught out'. Since when I have had the silent treatment.

Just a couple of weeks ago he was put on medication (which he claims to be taking) and was warned by his psychiatrist that the interaction with alcohol was dangerous. He has also been put forward to a DBT therapist. All very positive one might think and indeed he was keen to deal with 'his problem' at that point.

Actually at the time I am sure that he was but equally I have come to the conclusion that 'the illness' is much more powerful than any temporary motivation to do those things that would help manage it, i.e. he has an expectation that 'others' can magic it away with little effort on his part. In that way I equate the addiction of alcoholism (or drug use) as something that exhibits many of the same features facets as BPD.

I too have often just asked him to be honest, but I don't think he is capable of that because he cannot face the guilt and shame of knowing he has slipped again.
Although I know the pattern, a few days of passive/aggressive behaviour on his part followed by grovelling promises never to do it again.

So how do I feel?

Well I have come to know that the effect of alcohol (or drugs) completely distorts my thinking, I deplore the effects that drink can induce, years in Al-Anon have only served to reinforce my belief in its destructive power but also that I can do nothing about another's drinking - it will probably lead to my partners early death especially as he binge drinks as a way to alleviate the symptoms produced by the dysfunctional thinking caused by his BPD.

Well of course part of me is very angry, part of me is disappointed and yes part of me wants to say get out of my life and go to hell! I accept that anger on my part as perfectly normal human reaction. It is what I do with it that matters.

 Another part recognises that the illness of BPD and the compulsion to self medicate (sooth) with drugs or alcohol are common features of the illness and that induces compassion because I know that is an illness , another perfectly normal human reaction. Again it is what I do with that compassion that matters.

As I learn more about me I realise that my feelings are generated by the conflict between BPD behaviour and my core values. Because I value (personally) the traits of honesty, faithfulness, self awareness, self respect, reward through personal effort and self control - the illness is in direct conflict with that which is core to my being.

I also know that due to my own early life experiences that I am a people pleaser, seek to avoid conflict and that at times that makes me a person driven to trying to rescue others. This so often drives me to try to achieve the impossible. Something I have to remind myself on a daily basis.

I also have 'hopes' plans for the future but have slowly had to come to terms with the fact that I am forced with a choice of a future on my own which offers a chance to realise some of my dreams or one that is lived as a continual compromise between my aspirations and being dragged down by an illness over which I have no control.

Much as I might wish to change my BPD partner, I cannot therefore neither ranting at him or comforting him are going to work.

I can only look to myself and do what is right for me and understand my reactions
and the context of them and continue the difficult but rewarding process of changing my own behaviours because regardless of the effects that this illness can produce I come to know that I am actually worth more and only I can achieve that regardless of what my partner does

All I can do is reinforce my own boundaries of what is acceptable to me and keep my life in balance and that is a difficult path to follow and one that I am slowly learning to take only the can I make the choices that are right for me - in doing so I am left with the inevitable conclusion that I can only restate calmly the effect that his behaviour has on me, seek to encourage him to engage in his therapy and then 'let it go' and get on with my life and plans for my future.

Ortac