Just saw her on a dating site and got that anxiety

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Man, so I haven't posted in a long time. I work with my ex but we haven't spoken in months. Not even hellos. We don't sit near each other so it makes it easy to avoid. Today she was working with someone near my desk and I just kept doing my thing. We're like 16 months out from discard and I've gotten so much better than when I was posting on here every day in the days, weeks, months after the discard.

So I get home tonight and am just swiping through bumble to pass some time and SHE pops up. Dating sites were never her thing so I found it surprising.

And man did that anxiety from the old days wash over my body. I was first like she's better now. I never thought she'd be on one of those apps. Then I was like she only put her instagram account, no personal info. She's 27, has a 4 year old, and lives with her mom. None of that is on there.

But that anxiety didn't feel good and just wanted to post here to get it off my chest. There's no way she's better. Her next victim is out there. I won't let this mess with my head.

Thanks for listening and keep pushing forward.

[Anez]

Man, so I haven't posted in a long time. I work with my ex but we haven't spoken in months. Not even hellos. We don't sit near each other so it makes it easy to avoid. Today she was working with someone near my desk and I just kept doing my thing. We're like 16 months out from discard and I've gotten so much better than when I was posting on here every day in the days, weeks, months after the discard.

So I get home tonight and am just swiping through bumble to pass some time and SHE pops up. Dating sites were never her thing so I found it surprising.

And man did that anxiety from the old days wash over my body. I was first like she's better now. I never thought she'd be on one of those apps. Then I was like she only put her instagram account, no personal info. She's 27, has a 4 year old, and lives with her mom. None of that is on there.

But that anxiety didn't feel good and just wanted to post here to get it off my chest. There's no way she's better. Her next victim is out there. I won't let this mess with my head.

Thanks for listening and keep pushing forward.

[roberto516]

Oh man I can only imagine. I can't even imagine still having to work with her and it's only been a couple months and 1 day of NC. Kudos to you. I joined a bunch of dating sites again because my therapist told me it wouldn't be such a bad thing to see that women do think you are a good guy. Kinda a self esteem boost. And I have no honest interest in pursuing anything in the near future. But I wonder how I'm gonna react if I see her on a site. Especially because she told me she won't be in a relationship for a long time; if ever. Who am I kidding, a coworker will probably tell me she finds someone by next month. But thanks for sharing. It's good to see there is hope if I stick with it.

[Anez]

Stick with it, Roberto! There really isn't a future with these people.

One day at a time and date when you feel like it's time for you to date. Don't rush it. It all takes time.

Part of me is dreading seeing her at work tomorrow because of emotions that could arise. But I know her whole story, I know what she did to me, and that is who she is.

[SuperJew82]

Online dating is open season for pwBPD. It's the perfect fish in the barrel situation. Mine initiated a conversation with me from the free dating site POF. Although she only lived 7 mins away, it took her 2 months of texting/talking to meet me. I understand why that was the case now. She was already in a relationship. This is how she scoops up guys to build her safety net.

I've seen her phone and she keeps a handful of guys at certain levels of engagement on the backburner at all times. After I ended it for good, she found me on OKC and made a profile with harsh words directed to me. I contacted OKC support to ask if I could be "invisible" to her. They were like " we know her type " and banned her from the site without even me hinting at doing so!

She started using POF (trailer park of dating sites ) again ( I unhealthily was looking at her activity date ) - so she was back to the same old game. Feel sorry for the next guy - but that isn't my concern.

I started out doing the online dating thing and my online therapist said it would be healthy to get my feet wet. I went on a bunch of dates but I lost my mojo. I just wasn't really interested. I deleted my POF account to make a true NC situation. NC means more than no contact. It means no "checking up" on what she might be doing, even though you simply might be curious. That is unhealthy. I would block her.

Also stay away from FREE sites. Having someone take a credit card out and pay for Match or eH weeds out quite a bit of the people who are on there for attention or are not serious about a long term relationship.

I'm going on 3 months NC after a year and a half of hell - and life is getting back to normal. No biweekly recycles, no crazy texting, no getting upset at cheating, no being baffled by her lying, no worried about her destructive behavior. I don't live in paranoia anymore. Sure I don't have a hot girl around to crazy sex with, but after I realized that was just a manipulation tool for her - the tool lost its power. I wasn't turned on anymore. I might be a dude who likes banging hot chicks, but I want to bang a hot chick who really loves me and acts like she does. Either way, it's not worth the emotional mind- ***kery that goes along with it. I used to be mad and think they were evil. Deep down there is just a girl down there that wants to be loved, but tragically got miswired and now their reality is twisted. Boy do I wish I could save her, but I cannot. She would eventually destroy me in so many ways if I didn't put the NC walls up for good.

I'm single, but not alone. I have good friends and my daughters to keep me busy. I feel peaceful and happy like I used to. I'm picking up my old hobbies, taking care of personal stuff that I let slip between the cracks, and dealing with the ordinary issues that come up in life without the totally manifested out of thin air shenanigans that pwBPD create.

I hope one day that my diagnosed BPDexGf will stay in therapy so possibly after a number of years of aggressive therapy she might be able to manage her symptoms enough to stay in a relationship. I honestly don't think she will for several reasons, including the fact she denied ever being diagnosed even after I seen the paperwork - but I still hope for it. She always wanted a family and a garden. I hope she gets it one day, nothing would be as bitter-sweet but it would make me smile. I have myself and my two little girls to watch out for now. I have to make sure they see what being happy and healthy is about.

Sorry for hijacking your thread - I just had a flashback too and needed to vent. Stay strong, stay NC, and understand that it doesn't look like she is trying to change at all, but engaging in attention seeking behaviors and someone else will have to fall victim - but it's not going to be you.

[Anez]

Came across her again on the same app this morning. My initial reaction was "hey I should text her and say something light like "Never thought I'd see you on a dating app (she always denounced them). Happy for you and hope you find someone great."

I then walked my dogs on their morning walk and thought it through the entire walk. I thought about my intentions on doing that - 1 side is I just wanted to be friendly with her (we see each other at work every day so we're friendly but really LC) and 2nd side was part of me wanted to open up a chance at another go at. That's just me being honest.

But I thought on it some more. I thought of the big picture. I pushed away the thoughts of "hey, she's better now!" because I know that's not true. And then I opted not to text her or say anything to her.

i think all that thought was a positive and I'm glad I could look at everything and make the smart decision. I wouldn't have been that strong last year. I would have texted her immediately.

So yeah, stick with it, guys. You will see progress over time.

[redriver]

Mine was on both POF and Tinder, I was also, she liked me on both after we had broken up. Looking back I was in no way ready to be looking, but I left empty and alone, and just needed to see if I was able to attract someone. We messaged a few times back and forth on there. What gets me is we were still seeing each other and hanging out. But she had many many guys on there she was talking to. When we would hang out she would show me all of them, and what ones she slept with before we met. I dont know if that was her way of making me feel bad, or just no boundaries with me.

But yes it feels bad, and it sucks. I never felt bad for the guy she ended up with. I would have gone back in a second.

[FallenOne]

I frequent dating sites now that I'm single... If I ever come across my ex on one of them, I'm screen capping it and sending it anonymously to my replacement with a message along the lines of "just thought you should know she's cheating on you"


HAHAHAHA!

[jambley]

My ex is on a regional dating site, match and elite. I sincerely feel for her targets, Lord help them.

[AustenJ]

SuperJew-

I'm proud of you, man! All this is good to hear and gives all of us hope!

My diagnosed exBPDgf plans on getting married and having 5 kids so they can take care of her? Crazy... .she will never be in a stable relationship, ever.

Keep taking care of yourself! It looks good on you, my friend!

[Rayban]

Anez

It was smart taking the time to think it through before responding. In the end it will save you hours of ruminating on what she will answer, or if she would answer at all. Not to mention giving her an ego boost.

As for dating sites, never crossed my mind, while with her that she might be on them, but I have no doubt she was on them and probably still is. In my case she needed a plan; A, B, C, D etc.

In your case I don't think she's doing it cause she got better, It's probably her getting lonely or tired of the person she is with.  Now she needs new supply. 

Are you a member of that dating app? If so would anybody you know in common might of told her that you were?

Hang in there Anez. You dI'd what's right for yourself and your career. Think of the consequences of igniting the fire with a BPDex that you work with. You have it good now. Keep it that way.