How to be VALIDATING without being ENABLING

[KimCoco]

My very high-functioning partner has high validation needs, which is perfectly understandable with BPD. One of the areas I find difficult to handle is where she often complains of physical pain and sickness. She'll often sniff and say "I'm definitely getting a cold", suddenly start sounding congested, but doesn't. Or will get a papercut or some other very minor injury and keep showing me and telling me how sore it is. It is a very child-like act of "ow, look I hurt my finger" or "my sinuses are so sore and blocked" and then she gets distracted by something and the sore finger/congested voice suddenly disappears.

I was raised with "brush yourself off" parents, she was raised with an incredibly nurturing and sympathetic mother, who has many health issues of her own that she often brings up. The kind of mother who says "don't go out without a jacket, you'll catch a cold." I believe the result of this is that I see complaining about health issues as "weakness", she sees it as normal and a way to elicit sympathy and love from others. Coddling for me is smothering and unnecessary, for her it's a way you show affection.

I find it difficult therefore to take her seriously when she complains so regularly of aches, pains and sickness, because in my mind nobody is sick that much. I struggle NOT to react like my parents modelled - which is along the lines of "if you're not dying... ." - though I know that is an invalidating response.

Is it enabling her to buy into the constant aches and pains? One of the most annoying types of people for me are those who are constantly complaining of ailments and fybro-myalgia and using it all as an excuse to not get on with their lives - I don't want this to progress any further to that. However, she has asked me many times why I'm not more caring when she's sick. I just find it so difficult to buy into the "act". Any advice?

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[waverider]

It happens a lot with pwBPD. What they are doing is expressing their inner feelings by using physical ailments as an outlet.

Ask how they feel, and avoid going into details of the issue at hand. The problem is we tend to get so jack of it we ignore every complaint and end up sounding like we dont care about them at all. The result is they up the drama.

Ask her how she is feeling more often and proactively BEFORE she runs a complaint up the flagpole

[bananas2]

Great advice, Waverider! Ask often & BEFORE the complaints.

KimCoco - This is an excellent post. Maybe I can give some insight, considering that I am a person with fibromyalgia (a secondary diagnosis to my disabling neurologic chronic pain & movement disorder known as Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy) & I was raised by a doting mother ("It's only 50 degrees outside! Wear a hat and hood or you'll DIE of pneumonia!" and conversely by a WWII Navy vet father ("Stop giving excuses & do your homework!" - my brother's eye was completely black from a brain hemorrhage).  So needless to say, I understand both sides of this.

I absolutely agree with Waverider's advice to ask how she's feeling often. Ask her, get the info & let it go. BPD is ALL about feelings - emotional & physical. I think an important thing here is her actual diagnosis. Is there verification that she has the disorders she says she does? Is there a record of this somewhere that you can see? Is there a subtle way to ask her (out of concern) about her diagnoses record? You could frame it in a way that you are concerned & want to learn more about her disorders in order to do research & help you to help her. Maybe in doing this, you could find out which is "real" and which is hypochondria (it may be a bit of both)?

[KimCoco]

Thank you, I never considered that BPD was about physical feelings as WELL as emotional - that's given me something to think about.

I don't like to "decide" which of her ailments and diagnoses are real, but I do believe that the early-onset arthritis is a fact, and will happily rub her joints for her if they flare up.

We communicate very openly about her feelings so I will have to find more opportunities to ask her how she's feeling, but an example of what I'm referring to is;
I came home last night from a show, she had a terrible stomach ache. This morning before I even opened my eyes, she had a splitting headache. All said in a very pained voice, yet she isn't a "dramatic" person in any other area of her life. I don't want to say nothing, but other than "can I get you a painkiller" I cannot for the life of me think of anything else to say.

The stomach ache could be her feeling a bit abandoned because I went out alone, and the headache because we went to bed a bit late and is now tired. She just texted me saying "I don't think I'm going to work today, please don't be angry." I never get angry! What is this behaviour?

[KimCoco]

UPDATE:

I went back into the room with painkillers and some water for her, and asked gently why she asked me not to be angry, when I've never been angry with her for being sick.

She said (also gently) that it's not me, it's not about me. I then asked if she often feels like people will be angry at her for being sick, and she said yes.

Thing is - I'm quite sure now that she's more afraid she'll disappoint people with the mental "inabilities" to function normally sometimes, so uses physical ones as a distraction. Which is very sad.

Any tips/comments?

[waverider]

Its easier to get support and empathy for physical symptoms than emotional ones as they are more tangible. Hence they are simply translating the need into more explainable issues. This then causes issues as people attempt to soothe what they are saying.

To the pwBPD it is the wrong answer, as thats not the real problem, so they get upset that people dont understand, and so up the anti. The support person gets frustrated as their well meant advice is ignored. This is why giving practical advice to fix the purported problem fails,and drives in the wedge.

Stay away from details, all you need to know, and show, is that you know they are not feeling the best. Sometimes just a hug is enough without saying anything. certainly dont interrogate or it just encourages the piling on, often of misinformation