She says she fell out of love

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I guess I finally got some closure. She said she fell out of love. Says that she woke up one day and realized she wanted different things, and didn't want to continue in this relationship. I just struggle to understand how this epiphany came when I finally set down some healthy boundaries. I can't help but believe that it got too difficult and it's something people like this can cope with. To actually work on a relationship and be vulnerable. But I guess it's all about the idealization and devalue phase. I was devalued. And the fact that we didn't see each other for so long really reinforces the object permanence belief. I dunno. I feel like it's all one big rationalization.   

[roberto516]

So I guess I finally got some closure. She said she fell out of love. Says that she woke up one day and realized she wanted different things, and didn't want to continue in this relationship. I just struggle to understand how this epiphany came when I finally set down some healthy boundaries. I can't help but believe that it got too difficult and it's something people like this can cope with. To actually work on a relationship and be vulnerable. But I guess it's all about the idealization and devalue phase. I was devalued. And the fact that we didn't see each other for so long really reinforces the object permanence belief. I dunno. I feel like it's all one big rationalization.   

[roberto516]

And now she's gonna say I'm being manipulative and controlling because I finally told her I'm going no contact no matter what. We got a dog together and she honestly was with it for about 20 total days. I've had her, just myself, for about 70 days including continuously since New Years Day. So she will say I'm manipulating. I don't care. I need to do this. I can't have her in 1 month ask me to see the dog. I can't do it. It will set me back. Maybe years later. But not now. I don't care what she thinks I'm doing. Because what I'm doing is protecting myself. And for once I"m going to put  myself first. I won't be the giver to her ever again.

[UnforgivenII]

The trouble is they wake one day with an idea and the next with another one. There is a rollercoaster in their heads. They change from a minute to another. I witnessed it. Crazy, crazy. No way to live.
The dog will be used as an excuse. Do not let yourself be tortured like this... .

[roberto516]

The trouble is they wake one day with an idea and the next with another one. There is a rollercoaster in their heads. They change from a minute to another. I witnessed it. Crazy, crazy. No way to live.
The dog will be used as an excuse. Do not let yourself be tortured like this... .

Thanks for the insight. It really makes you wonder if you are the crazy one and are you being manipulative? But its' true. One day she was in a midlife crisis the next day she loved life and the next day she let her day be ruined because someone said something to her at work she didn't like. Just complete up and down. And I was the crazy one . I turned crazy because of this. That manipulation makes you a shell of a person and you don't know who you are in the end.

And I won't be tortured. It's over. She won't do it to me again.

[mar356]

"Thanks for the insight. It really makes you wonder if you are the crazy one and are you being manipulative? But its' true. One day she was in a midlife crisis the next day she loved life and the next day she let her day be ruined because someone said something to her at work she didn't like. Just complete up and down. And I was the crazy one . I turned crazy because of this. That manipulation makes you a shell of a person and you don't know who you are in the end.

And I won't be tortured. It's over. She won't do it to me again."

Roberto,

If she openly told you she "fell out of love" that is a perfect example of black and white thinking. It also may be one of the few times she was honest with you.  I doubt you were the manipulative one. I told mine I felt like I was being tricked into a relationship with her and she tried to reverse it on me as if I was the manipulative one.  There is no point trusting a BPD words only trust their actions.

[Pretty Woman]

Roberto,
  NC is for you. You don't even need to tell her, just do it if it's what you need to do to recover.

The hardest thing about these relationships is that we want to blame it all on the BPD or person with BPD. If she is saying she fell out of love, I know those words hurt but take that at face value and realize this... .

You will find someone better. This is not the love of your life or it wouldn't be this way. Why cling to someone who is saying they no longer are in love with you?

You deserve someone who loves you for the best in you as well as your faults. Someone who doesn't cut and run at the slightest disagreement or opinion you may have. Someone who respects your difference and appreciates them.

Some people can tolerate being friends with someone after a relationship ends, once there is sufficient time to heal but with a BPD---if she truly is, being friends with them is often worse. There is 0 commitment (because you are no longer in a relationship) so they can date others in front of you and then when you are upset they will yank your friendship away to be "fair" to their new love interest.

I will also say this... .my ex left with our new puppy and it killed me. But I eventually went on to get a new pet who I love very much. It hurt but she will survive. As long as you are not withholding the dog as a revenge tactic she will be fine and you both will be able to move on.

Stay strong and if you are truly going NC stick to your guns. It doesn't work when you break it all it does is show her she can still push and you have no boundaries.

Just my two cents... .

[roberto516]

"Thanks for the insight. It really makes you wonder if you are the crazy one and are you being manipulative? But its' true. One day she was in a midlife crisis the next day she loved life and the next day she let her day be ruined because someone said something to her at work she didn't like. Just complete up and down. And I was the crazy one . I turned crazy because of this. That manipulation makes you a shell of a person and you don't know who you are in the end.

And I won't be tortured. It's over. She won't do it to me again."

Roberto,

If she openly told you she "fell out of love" that is a perfect example of black and white thinking. It also may be one of the few times she was honest with you.  I doubt you were the manipulative one. I told mine I felt like I was being tricked into a relationship with her and she tried to reverse it on me as if I was the manipulative one.  There is no point trusting a BPD words only trust their actions.

I can't believe how accurate this is and we have a similar story. In short, we were coworkers and she was dating a coworker and they were on the rocks. She texted in a group text saying "I can't believe it. I invited ex to be at my graduation and he didn't show up. I'm so hurt." 10 hours later I go to her graduation party at the bar and she coerces me into making out with her and staying the night.

Last time I spoke to her before going NC I told her that I felt used because I was just an object. Something to make her pain go away. And as soon as I stopped being the "yes man" and started to try and reintegrate boundaries she was done. And you know what she said? "There might be some truth to that. I'll have to process with my therapist." I doubt it will ring true because then she'd have to admit guilt which would crush her whole psyche. But this was comforting. It's the exact same story. With her calling me manipulative/irrational for thinking I was fooled. She didn't do it consciously for sure. But the black and white thinking just appeared and that was it.