Disgusted: Will I ever be attracted again?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My attraction for my uBPDh has waned over the past year due to a variety of factors. First, it was the fact that he was needy, clingy, and entirely dependent on me financially and emotionally. I found myself in the parental role, which immediately turned me off and has been difficult to work past. There have been periods of time where he has taken initiative and gotten passionate about a work or home project or something (anything, really), and during those times I felt a spark of attraction, but most of the time he has sat around the house on his computer, waiting to be clothed and fed.

He has also let his previously meticulous hygiene lapse. He often forgets to brush his teeth, or, in his regular lapses into depression, won't bathe for days, and then he still expects me to kiss him, which absolutely turns my stomach because he gets quite smelly. I've told him I won't kiss him unless he's brushed his teeth. He lasted a week, and then lapsed into grossness again.

He started driving Uber for a little while, but he used my car, not his (his is too old). However, he doesn't make much money doing that, so he's been staying home more often than working, and, when he's home, he doesn't leave the bed, doesn't shower or eat. When I come home, he expects a kiss, and I usually give him a quick peck to avoid smelling him. Actually, these days, I'm kind of grossed out whether or not he has showered, because his neediness feels like slime.

I hate feeling like this. He's a very attractive man, I should be attracted to him, but I'm not, try as I might. I wonder if this is the beginning of the end, as I know that I cannot force him to work or to get out of bed even, I cannot force him to get treatment. I cannot imagine being married to someone over the long term that I'm not feeling attraction, or even much affection at this point, for. It's just that he's not doing anything, and his presence is a needy, rage-filled, depressing, dark cloud. Does it ever get better, or is this it?

[WitzEndWife]

My attraction for my uBPDh has waned over the past year due to a variety of factors. First, it was the fact that he was needy, clingy, and entirely dependent on me financially and emotionally. I found myself in the parental role, which immediately turned me off and has been difficult to work past. There have been periods of time where he has taken initiative and gotten passionate about a work or home project or something (anything, really), and during those times I felt a spark of attraction, but most of the time he has sat around the house on his computer, waiting to be clothed and fed.

He has also let his previously meticulous hygiene lapse. He often forgets to brush his teeth, or, in his regular lapses into depression, won't bathe for days, and then he still expects me to kiss him, which absolutely turns my stomach because he gets quite smelly. I've told him I won't kiss him unless he's brushed his teeth. He lasted a week, and then lapsed into grossness again.

He started driving Uber for a little while, but he used my car, not his (his is too old). However, he doesn't make much money doing that, so he's been staying home more often than working, and, when he's home, he doesn't leave the bed, doesn't shower or eat. When I come home, he expects a kiss, and I usually give him a quick peck to avoid smelling him. Actually, these days, I'm kind of grossed out whether or not he has showered, because his neediness feels like slime.

I hate feeling like this. He's a very attractive man, I should be attracted to him, but I'm not, try as I might. I wonder if this is the beginning of the end, as I know that I cannot force him to work or to get out of bed even, I cannot force him to get treatment. I cannot imagine being married to someone over the long term that I'm not feeling attraction, or even much affection at this point, for. It's just that he's not doing anything, and his presence is a needy, rage-filled, depressing, dark cloud. Does it ever get better, or is this it?

[Mutt]

Hi WitzEndWife,

I think that you have to be attracted to the other person. He sounds depressed, has he been treated for depression in the past?

[WitzEndWife]

He hasn't been treated for depression specifically. When we were living in another state, I got him to go to a counselor, but he stopped going because he wasn't getting much out of it. Now he refuses to go to therapy at all, citing that he doesn't want to talk about his problems to a "stranger." I'm at a loss, because, on the one hand, I want to be a dedicated partner, but, on the other hand, if he won't help himself, there's only so much I can do.