I'm so tired of feeling like I'm failing...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

And to be clear, this is not directed at anyone or anything said here - I appreciate your thoughts and support.

This morning I found myself reflecting on my conversation with pwBPD yesterday and started to feel that tremendous burden of failure sink in. Which isn't new - it ends up being how I feel about pretty much everything in this relationship. But once again I felt that he had tried his hardest to communicate, and once again I failed to catch the pass and take it to the end zone. Once again I fail to understand his language, his way of thinking, his reality. And because I continue to fail, we continue to tumble down the path to relationship failure.

And then I found myself so angry that I hardly knew what to do with the degree of the emotion. *I* am the one who gets berated and belittled. *I* am the one who has horrible names screamed at them. *I* am the one who was spit on and chased and made scared for my personal safety. *I* am the one who has tried to change and tried to modify my language and actions, and made myself 2 inches tall in an effort to not trigger him. *I* am the one who has lost faith in my own ability to trust my instincts about people and circumstances.

And I'm aware that allowing those things to happen is a huge part of the problem. I feel like a first time dog owner who adopted a pitbull, failed  to make myself alpha and instill proper training, and is now  trying to gain control after the dog eats the cat. Bare with me - it's a somewhat labored analogy.

But at what point do you accept that you can't? Because taking on this responsibility and this sense of failure means that you have accepted that you caused it, and I think we can all agree that BPD is not something we control.

Just my cluttered brain this morning. I saw a meme on FB that made me laugh. "My mind is like someone emptied the junk drawer onto a trampoline." Yes indeed!

[Lalathegreat]

And to be clear, this is not directed at anyone or anything said here - I appreciate your thoughts and support.

This morning I found myself reflecting on my conversation with pwBPD yesterday and started to feel that tremendous burden of failure sink in. Which isn't new - it ends up being how I feel about pretty much everything in this relationship. But once again I felt that he had tried his hardest to communicate, and once again I failed to catch the pass and take it to the end zone. Once again I fail to understand his language, his way of thinking, his reality. And because I continue to fail, we continue to tumble down the path to relationship failure.

And then I found myself so angry that I hardly knew what to do with the degree of the emotion. *I* am the one who gets berated and belittled. *I* am the one who has horrible names screamed at them. *I* am the one who was spit on and chased and made scared for my personal safety. *I* am the one who has tried to change and tried to modify my language and actions, and made myself 2 inches tall in an effort to not trigger him. *I* am the one who has lost faith in my own ability to trust my instincts about people and circumstances.

And I'm aware that allowing those things to happen is a huge part of the problem. I feel like a first time dog owner who adopted a pitbull, failed  to make myself alpha and instill proper training, and is now  trying to gain control after the dog eats the cat. Bare with me - it's a somewhat labored analogy.

But at what point do you accept that you can't? Because taking on this responsibility and this sense of failure means that you have accepted that you caused it, and I think we can all agree that BPD is not something we control.

Just my cluttered brain this morning. I saw a meme on FB that made me laugh. "My mind is like someone emptied the junk drawer onto a trampoline." Yes indeed!

[formflier]

   

Can you get rid of the word fail... .

I like "fall short... ." or "falling short... ."  word picture is much better as well.  I tried to jump over something... .and almost made it.  Will try again tomorrow... .

   

FF

[Mutt]

HI Lalathegreat,

"My mind is like someone emptied the junk drawer onto a trampoline." Yes indeed!

*I* am the one who gets berated and belittled. *I* am the one who has horrible names screamed at them. *I* am the one who was spit on and chased and made scared for my personal safety. *I* am the one who has tried to change and tried to modify my language and actions, and made myself 2 inches tall in an effort to not trigger him. *I* am the one who has lost faith in my own ability to trust my instincts about people and circumstances.

You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, I'm guessing that a lot of this feedback is coming from your pwBPD? A pwBPD will make those close to them feel anxious, they'll say alot of negative things - distortions.

What's your support network like in real life? Does your pwBPD lash out if you visit family and friends?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lala, Don't beat yourself up!  You, of all people, deserve to treat yourself well.  Disregard criticism from your pwBPD, as Mutt suggests.  Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it!  As FF notes, you haven't failed.  BPD is an extremely complex disorder and puts enormous strain on the Non.  You're human, so give yourself a break.  To paraphrase Thomas Edison, you haven't failed; instead, you've figured out what doesn't work.

LuckyJim

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you guys for your support. I love this board!

There have been times when he has expressed frustration at my other social relationships and obligations, but he has never (nor would he I think) expressly told me that I COULDN'T do something. Its more that deal where he will throw a tantrum about an unrelated thing right as I'm leaving that will eventually wind itself back to an accusation of abandonment that is loosely acknowledge to be as a result of whatever I'm doing, or he will freeze me out afterwards and I have to assume that is what has caused his upset.

Example - I'm a runner, and as a result of my connections in the running community I was invited to be a part of a beginner's trail running group that meets on Saturday mornings. I asked pwBPD if he'd be interested in coming as well, he said he would need to look into child care and to let him "think about it". The group started and I started running with them, did NOT ask pwBPD again if he wanted to come because frequently if I ask things things more than once he accuses me of putting too much pressure on him, and I did NOT want him to be under the impression that I would be upset if he could not come. One of the Saturdays after the run as I was in my car on the way to dinner with a friend I got a phone call from pwBPD where he told me that I was passive aggressively making him feel bad for not being able to go to the trail running group. I STILL have no idea what his reasoning for that was. As the conversation progressed he screamed "You want to go running with THEM. You didn't think about how you could run with ME or make it possible for me to do this WITH you... ." and that is what I consider to be the truth coming out - he was upset that I had chosen to run with the group even when he could not come. That I should have figured out a way that he could run too, or should have chosen to run with him a different time.

But would he ever admit to socially isolating me directly? Never.

[Grey Kitty]

There's a story about a group of people who go on some sort of teambuilding backpacking exercise. They've got to pack up their gear and make it 20 miles, and the instructions are that everybody should take their fair share of the load and make their way.

So they divide the gear up equally and head off.

The group is varied. Ranging from a triathlete to an overweight couch potato with bad knees.

Unsurprisingly, the fittest one arrives really in a few hours... .and the last one barely makes it in a couple hours after dark.

The next day they have another 20 miles to go, and they re-sort the packs, with the ones who got there first taking a lot more, and the last arrivals not carrying anything.

A "fair share" of the load is not an equal share of the load when your ability to carry is so different.


Time for radical acceptance about your pwBPD. His ability to deal with emotionally challenging situations is a LOT less than yours.

You are going to do 90% or more of the heavy lifting.

And he will be working as hard at carrying his 5% or 10% as you are at carrying your 90% or 95%

No, it really isn't "fair" in soo many ways. But it is the best you can do to make a relationship with him work.