Four month old child, and I work from home. This has become unbearable.

[nomotime]

My wife has not been diagnosed but I strongly believe her to be High Functioning, invisible BP (if that's the correct terminology) with symptoms of NPD.  

She doesn't exhibit all symptoms as far as I'm aware and I often question if I'm just a frustrating person but I think I am assertive and confident enough at the moment to maintain some grip on what I believe is reality.

Thing is I am sure my story is not as anywhere awful as some of things I've read which makes me question if BPD is the issue, or again if I am the issue or if there is another problem here.  

We have only been together 3 1/2 years - I fell into a disagreement with my housemate after 3 months of our relationship and my then girlfriend was moving out around the same time - I suggested moving in together and worried it might be too forward or too soon.  People around me suggested it was ok as we already spent a lot of time together.  Conflict started becoming an issue just a couple of weeks before we were due to move in when she got angry at me for planning the move on a day when we weren't both available, which was impossible due to her play rehearsal schedule hence I had volunteered to move EVERYTHING myself.  Similar incidents started to increase in regularity as we lived together longer.  The first couple of times her anger flared up, I was taken aback at the time thinking this was strange but then ended up on the verge of tears apologising because I knew I had a problem with persistently dragging out arguments (not aggressively but in a way which some people find frustrating).

But as incidents occurred more frequently and became louder and more destructive I began to realise the trigger to my partner's aggression was generally when I was unavailable to assist with something.  I had spent the early part of our relationship helping out with a few things, finding her a Physical Theatre course (which she abandoned after three lessons), helping her resolve the deposit dispute with her housemate but these things seemed normal at the time as she is Turkish and her English at the time was a much lower level than it is now.    But it started to become the case that even saying I'd do it later or giving a specific time would not calm her wrath.    I had to do it then or there would be hell to pay.  But as this became more of a pattern, if I said I can't do something right now I'm working, she'd start to swear and curse at me and tell me there was no way she could do it herself and I was a disgusting person for not helping her.  To be clear, we're talking about extra assistance - eg. writing emails to casting agents, looking at an ebay posting for her, working on her website (which by the way I did early on in our relationship voluntarily and when I made another for someone else she got upset that hers was apparently not as good and got angry when I said I wouldn't have time to rebuild it for a while.  I already cook, clean not alone but I do more than my share and do most of the washing up and I work and that has always been the case.  I'm a true feminist and do not believe a woman's role is 'in the house'.  Mess would always be blamed on me despite her extremely disorganised habits and washing up was/is a rage trigger for her. She started to become like a person possessed in these episodes.  All humanity would leave her eyes, just flaring rage, sarcasm, mocking tones, yelling insulting.  And I would be baffled.  In the good times she would call me and an angel and in the bad she would say I am disgusting.  I was so confused, I asked her if the problem was because she really saw me like an angel and then I didn't live up to it and it angered her.  She accused me of having ego problems in response.  I also discovered she does the same to her parents over the phone - shouting screaming and crying until they send her money if she is in a tough spot for example. But nobody else is aware of these issues.  She's actually a one on one music teacher and does very well at it.

At the time I brought up her behaviour a few times and asked what I could do to calm her down when she started screaming at me.  That became an argument where I ended up in tears again wondering why I was pleading with her to find out how I could calm her down when she was angry.  I would leave the house when I could and she would harass me with texts and phone calls, so I could not get any space.  I could not turn off the phone or choose not to answer for fear of further repercussions when I came back. She would do the same when I was working at venues and although I could go out to rehearsal I could not stay after without harassing phone calls and texts. She blamed this on anxiety.  
Then she started to blamed most things on anxiety or depression and sometimes I would believe her.  She blamed our little studio flat and our surroundings and I would believe her sometimes about those things.  Or she need to get out the house, she needed see some interesting things or do something spontaneous.  She has always insisted on the next thing she really needs to feel better and predictably she gets it and nothing changes.  After one heated confrontation I we agreed she would get help dealing with her anger.  The next thing I know she's getting CBT for anxiety.  So now she she tells me she went for help for me and I should fix myself.

After about a year of our I started occasionally responding physically to her when arguments blew up.  It made me feel sick.  I have never, ever in my life responded to ANYONE with violence before, save one time I NEARLY got in a fight with a guy.  At 32 I assume nearly hitting someone one time does not count as a history of violence? The first times were just restraining her when she started trying to tear the house apart but then a couple of times I pushed or grabbed her when she was yelling at me.  A couple of times she was repeatedly screaming the same thing at me when we we were sat on the bed and I pushed her over and pinned her down.   Immediately she would switch and say "Look what you just did.  You're beating me! You beat me! You need to apologise!  You are disgusting, horrible person!"  and the first couple of times I said yes, its inexcusable you're right.  I still battle with this problem. I was brought up to think its inexcusable and I still believe that.  But I find myself fighting an internal battle where I both think its in excusable and also excuse it because I can't let myself apologise to her first after half an hour of aggressive yelling has occurred before we reach that point and sometimes it has provoked her to stop shouting at me and I feel completely desperate.  Yet I do not want to react like that and it makes me question if I am the problem. I mean it certainly is a problem to react like that.  

I work from home, I have done since I've been with her.  I work an office job, 9-5:30 from home and I'm on the office phone network and I also do some freelance work in the evenings.  I can't leave.  If she is shouting and screaming at me.  I can't go, I have to be there to answer the phone plus I have work to be getting on with, which I find very hard to get done under these circumstances at the best of times.  If it was one day, one time I could leave but if I left every time she did this I would have no job.  Honest to God, all I wanted was for the shouting, screaming, ordering and demanding to stop.  I've been stopped from going to parties because she didn't want to go but I wasn't allowed to go alone, she'd use anger or guilt or both to ensure this.  She went through a phase of not letting me sleep.  If i tried to go to sleep before her she would wake me up and claim it was an anxiety problem.  There was no way I was allowed to go to sleep before her for about 6 months (I forgot that before I started writing this) and she would stay up late on days I was tired causing me extreme exhaustion.

She would exhibit some anxious behaviours for example, several times a day she would grab her chest and claim something weird was happening with her heart and she was having a heart attack.  This was nearly every day and I would say Im sure its nothing but if she was worried she could go the GP but she never did.  This went away with her pregnancy but has just remerged.  She also feared she had AIDS for the first 2 years of our relationship - a completely unfounded fear based on the fact that she thought her ex was Bi-sexual and they had sex once after they broke up.  One day when I finally convinced her to get tested for her own reassurance, she burst into tears with relief at the doctor's so I assume it was a very real anxiety for her.

I married her because I didn't want to break up with her and she had not successfully achieved what was required for her business visa renewal.  Maybe we could have fudged it but instead we decided it was safer to get married.  I suggested marriage, I blamed myself for her visa situation and I look back and can't understand why.  I tried to help her with her business, I tried to help her find a job.  I felt bad about her having to go back to Turkey but now I feel she'd probably be happier there.

We spent a mostly happy wedding anniversary at a hotel in Ireland save a couple of minor arguments and hence I acted unwisely and got her pregnant.  I may be completely paranoid but I do feel she was preparing for this though... .she had convinced herself, and me by proxy that she couldn't have children though with no medical evidence.  Also that day she had attacked my manhood because I was embarrassed to ask for condoms from behind  the counter, so we didn't look for a supermarket type place because she was impatient and because I should be man enough to ask over the counter.
Of course I didn't have to sleep with her after that.  I knew the risk and I knew this would not be a good environment for a child.

When she got pregnant, we discussed it.   I said our relationship is destructive I think we would be better to end this now and go our separate ways.  Of course I couldn't push her to do anything that she didn't want and I understood the anxiety and upset that could accompany termination.  

So we suffered a stressful pregnancy, but in the midst of it we manage to move to a two bedroom flat after I start working my arse off in the evenings til 3am most days to assure this. I prayed things would get better but of course they did not.

Now we have a beautiful baby boy.  I love him to pieces and we always talked about equally shared parenting.  The problem is, I look after him when she is at work and I have learned to do everything one handed, when and how I can keep him happy and entertained if I need to pop to the loo quickly, that kind of thing.  But when she is looking after him, she is constantly handing responsibility to me again - when I am working.  In the evening for my freelance work I am open to this, otherwise the duties are not shared equally (although we do need the money from my freelance work).  But  nowadays I don't start my freelance jobs until he is in bed.  But my day job, its impossible.  I'm on a schedule with phones to answer.  If I try to say I can't help at this time, she insists the thing she wants to do is super important and I have to hold him now.  Then she disappears for half an hour.   Remember again, I am on office hours on the office phone network.  I will lose my job!

I also worry she is already emotionally neglecting our son.  She often ignores him trying to talk to her, more consumed with whatever else she is doing - internet, TV, or even household chores.  When she does speak to him, she's speaking at him, she is not paying attention to his responses.  He has difficulty sleeping and we have ended up in the situation where I get him to sleep put him in bed every night.  Its nice and I enjoy this but sometimes Im tired or have other things to take care of but she finds any excuse not to take turns, and it seems to me because she lack the patience to do so.   She is quite complimentary and defensive of my parental role, which is really nice but sometimes she makes comments like 'I think you have some mother parts in you' which make me feel she is finding excuses to hand me responsibility.  It is common for her in other areas of life to say 'You know how to do that, I don't' and therefore not try and it becomes my responsibility every time and this feels no different.

Much more importantly, arguments are still flaring between us and she refuses to attempt to control herself around him. In fact she will be carrying him yelling at me,  or I'll be carrying him trying to escape a heated situation and she is following me from room to room shouting at me.  

I feel incredibly guilty for allowing this situation to occur.  I feel like I lied to my family and friends just by marrying her and I am consumed with guilt for letting it get to the point where we have a child.

The thing is I feel she is really trying sometimes with our son.  And she listens to some advice reluctantly at first but then I find her acting on it, which is great.  She talks to him more.  But I feel I need to give her a nudge to do so sometimes and then I think I'm being controlling.

To be honest, I've reached my limit, I would leave but now our son is here and even separation with joint custody is not a viable option as my wife would want to head back to Turkey with him and I'm not confident I could win custody to assure that didn't happen.  Either way, if I could win custody I would want him to know his mother and I would feel bad forcing her to stay in the country and the person she is when she is not raging at me I would not want to hurt by making access to her son more difficult.

My wife can be lovely and sweet sometimes  but its not enough and more and more recently I feel like I'm going to melt down.  I don't even get the satisfaction of thinking she really loves me.  She says she loves me but I don't even feel like she knows me.  I feel like a tool for her.

I could maybe handle it if I worked away from home, but I don't.  And I don't feel happy being forced into a situation where I should have to find a job outside the home.  And at least whilst I'm here I can be more present for my son, which is the other issue I have... .I want to protect him from unstable behaviours, and lack of emotional recognition but I couldn't afford to quit my job, my wife only works part time and I can't cope looking after him, my wife and my job simultaneously.

I have no idea what to do.   No idea.  Nobody is aware of this problem except me.  I don't want to tell people because I don't want them acting to different to my wife and I might be wrong about everything.  

I want to be able to work in peace, I want my son to enjoy healthy communication, validation and a peaceful home environment and I want never again to react with anger or violence myself.
I don't know where to start.  It feels completely unachievable.  If I could just hold my sh*t together for him without imploding that would be an achievement.

But then again, I wonder if I'm blowing it out of proportion, or if I'm a controlling narcissist driving her to anger and frustration or genuinely not offering her enough love to calm her.  And I can say what I like on here nobody really knows whats going on.  Maybe I am way more of an a**h*** than I realise.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi traipse,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry to hear that you feel trapped, I hear a lot guilt in those words, my ex wife is undiagnosed as well and we had our shoving matches, a pwBPD know how to push you buttons and will push all of the at the same time. Don't beat yourself up over it.

It helps to talk to others that are just like you, we can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, this platform is for you, you can share your feelings and thoughts without getting invalidated or judged for them, you're not alone.

In the good times she would call me and an angel and in the bad she would say I am disgusting.

A pwBPD have rigid thinking and can't see person as an integrated whole, you're either all good or all bad, the other thing that sticks in your post is emotional immaturity, lack of impulse control and emotional dysregulation, a pwBPD are stuck emotionally at the young age of a chold you have a toddler, I have a toddler too. When my toddler has a tantrum because he didn't something, it reminds me of my ex wife, it's like having an adult with the emotional maturity of a toddler.

A pwBPD don't have the ability to regulate their emotions like you or I, they can't self sooth, so it takes them much longer to return to their emotional baseline and they feel emotions more intensly too, they don't live in the past or the future, they live in the present.

I could maybe handle it if I worked away from home, but I don't.  And I don't feel happy being forced into a situation where I should have to find a job outside the home.

Have you thought about putting your son in daycare?

[WifeOfProbableBP]

When my husband has started being destructive in the past, I have called the police. The police are trained to deescalate these kinds of situations. It would piss him off, but it would usually end the rage. They were very good at talking to him.
Can you find a workspace outside of your home? Like an internet cafe or something. In my city, Google has a building called Google Space in which people can work.

[nomotime]

Hi.  Thanks very much for your replies.  I appreciate it. My post a bit of a blurt, I know.  First time I've talked about any of this with anyone and I didn't really know how much detail to go into.

The toddler description certainly rings true and I would describe most of her emotional assaults as tantrums. 

Day care is something to consider although we may struggle to fund it, as we're talking about times when my wife is at home.  For the same reason I can see her being resistant to the idea.
Not to say its not an idea worth considering but it would be a subject to be broached carefully to justify the expenditure and avoid tapping a nerve.  You know, I don't think she sees the problems and would likely take offence as anyone would really to wanting to put him in day care when she is available. 

I've considered the idea of finding somewhere away from the house to work from, maybe hiring a garage nearby to convert.  But again, the issue is I want to be here just in case when she is with him.  I'm glad to hear Police involvement has had positive results for you.  I'm very wary of it in our situation.   It would be the very last option for me as my Wife is on the track to Indefinite Leave and the risk of getting slapped with an ASBO could see her deported or at the least unable to obtain her next visa. 

I don't think that I really covered in that post that the only route I see for us is to attempt to improve our relationship, hence my choice of this board in particular.  One thing I'm keen to understand - can progress be trusted?  Is it safe for me to feel that progress is being made and to enjoy that and show appreciation or am I setting myself up for a fall?  After a blow out the other day which partly pushed me to come on here and seek advice, I managed to coax some more or less focussed conversation out of her where feelings were exchanged.  This largely resulted in her talking a lot about her feelings but part of that was her moving from blaming me for her whirlwind of emotions to admitting some emotional problems that she think started in her teens. 

Last night and today I've witnessed her very being proactive and attentive with the young man and just this morning, she was asking me to look up something for her whilst  I was working and help translate something... .  I explained the situation and she was on the verge of blowing up and she stopped herself and said maybe I could help in the evening after my work.  It was interesting because in the past there's been times when she would not push the situation but would either back off muttering or make some comment about it will never happen then and the tension was tangible.  This time it was much more like she made an internal assessment of the situation, realised I probably would be available later and put her frustration aside to everyone's benefit.  But I don't know if I'm being lulled into a false sense of security.  I can't tell if this is the same as the last time things 'improved'.  Or is it likely that her internal pressure has been released and another increasingly large series of blowouts is inevitable?  Of course I'm aware progress shouldn't mean complacency on my part in terms of communication techniques but can I trust it at all?

[Kyanite]

Welcome, though of course we all wisht hat the circumstances bringing us to these boards were not so challenging... .

It sounds like you are in a very challenging situation. Having kids complicates everything, especially when you feel like you can't trust your partner with your child. Having your wife be the unsafe one makes it even a bit more complicated, as many people in law enforcement, the legal system, etc. will tend to side with the woman in domestic disputes.

One thing I have had to learn over the years is that I can't fix my pwNPD traits or my parent w/BPD. I can't do it - no one can. The only perso who can fix them is themselves. That is a scary thing, as NOT filling (or even anticipating!) their every need can create quite stressful and sometimes explosive situations. But all I can do is work on myself, my reactions, and how I treat others respectfully. You might want to look into some codependency resources to help with that.

If you truly don't trust your wife with your child, I would strongly urge you to consider day care or at least a (very strong-willed) mother's helper. Personally, I think day care would be better. Maybe she can switch her work hours to the same time as yours so that it doesn't seem as much of a dig? Then also consider going to some kind of away-from-home workplace, even if it is Starbucks. Otherwise, it is possible that you could end up without a job at some point. I do not imagine a lot of employers would have tolerance for reports of yelling in the background of business calls. I don't want to scare you, but it is a consideration.

As for trusting the "improvement" - that is tough. people can grow and change, but some personailty-disordered people will imrpove as a (conscious or unconscious) tactic to help things get back tot he status quo. As long as you are working on yourself and your boundaries, you will be able to maintain your own progress better during whatever backslides she may have.

One final thought - have you thought about food allergies or other physiological triggers? My husband used to have a lot more issues with anger outbursts before we discovered he was allergic to gluten. Once we eliminated gluten, he said it was like he suddenly had "space" to think about his reaction instead of just lashing out.

Good luck... .

[DaddyBear77]

Traipse, welcome. I am also relatively new to this board / site and I'd like to say that I've gotten a LOT of great support.

In your story, I hear so many familiar things. When my daughter was born, I struggled with the very same things - working from home, unable to escape, constant hateful fights. I also was physical for the first time ever during this time, in almost exactly the same sequence as you - first, restraining her from a rampage, then, a push, a grab, a shove. Her reaction was understandable and I live with the guilt of knowing I crossed a line.

I wish I could say things got better overall. They haven't. But as some other posters have said, I DO know that the only thing I can change is myself, my reactions, my behaviors. Every day I learn something else about myself or am reminded something else about myself that I knew but ignored. For example, I realized that I seem to be SEEKING OUT the fight, even when it doesn't come. I am often chasing after her to finish/continue a fight. I can make a better choice here. Do I think that's going to actually FIX anything? Certainly not. BPD/NPD are serious illnesses. And yes, I also have someone who is undiagnosed. That used to trip me up a lot. I would accept a lot of blame thinking maybe I WAS a self centered narcissist. But I've learned a couple things there, too: First, my wife probably would NOT fit the clinical definitions cleanly today, although maybe in the past yes. Second, it doesn't matter at all. I trust my intuition, I trust my feelings on this. Knowing there is SOME problem is sufficient information for me to take action to change things. And specifically what I need to change is myself. I cannot change her.

I really appreciated hearing your story and I hope you continue to stick around here. Know that there are many many others on here that are going to very very similar things.

DB