Hi, new here, single dad looking for a little support

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Regarding substance abuse, one of my primary concerns is her driving while under the influence. She crashes cars some times as part of her past downward spirals. This happened last year and my son and her were lucky to be alive. Police came and she was at fault but was not tested for substances.

Do you think she may have been under the influence in such a way to impair her driving ability on the day of the crash?  How many other times has she crashed a car, when she is at fault (or inattentive).

she tends to have unstable, unhealthy, abusive relationships that my son is exposed to and the men act in unsafe or inappropriate ways and number two is that she is a master at pushing peoples buttons and provoking explosive reactions.

Has your son ever indicated that he has felt unsafe/scared with his mom's driving, with mom's friends or in other situations with mom?  Does your son have access to a phone, whereby he could call you and talk to you, should a situation bother him?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Regarding substance abuse, one of my primary concerns is her driving while under the influence. She crashes cars some times as part of her past downward spirals. This happened last year and my son and her were lucky to be alive. Police came and she was at fault but was not tested for substances.

Do you think she may have been under the influence in such a way to impair her driving ability on the day of the crash?  How many other times has she crashed a car, when she is at fault (or inattentive).

she tends to have unstable, unhealthy, abusive relationships that my son is exposed to and the men act in unsafe or inappropriate ways and number two is that she is a master at pushing peoples buttons and provoking explosive reactions.

Has your son ever indicated that he has felt unsafe/scared with his mom's driving, with mom's friends or in other situations with mom?  Does your son have access to a phone, whereby he could call you and talk to you, should a situation bother him?

[GentleWay]

driving ability on the day of the crash?  How many other times has she crashed a car, when she is at fault

Throughout her life she has had minor accidents and I always suspected that impairment of some sort contributed. I have no way of knowing if she was under the influence during that last crash. I arrived on scene and hugged them because 1)It was lucky they were alive and was profoundly traumatic to all of us and 2)I wanted to see if I smelled alcohol which I did not. Her mental health alone could be causing significant impairment and this claim is corroborated by her like most other things I have posted about when she is in a state of temporary lucidity and sanity. She sometimes will make things up and lie and distort and sometimes will start offering detailed confessions and expressing grief for all the pain she temporarily is aware she is causing everyone and makes repeated claims about needing therapy, medication and to quit substances but never follows through for very long at all. As far as how many times she has been found at fault for crashing cars I do not know. It is an indisputable concern though.

[GentleWay]

Has your son ever indicated that he has felt unsafe/scared with his mom's driving, with mom's friends or in other situations with mom?  :)oes your son have access to a phone

There was one past incident when my son was with his mom and one of the more dangerous boyfriends and he was in the back seat and they were on an on ramp for a highway and moving fast and the man screamed bloody murder after something my son's mom said and said he was going to kill himself by throwing himself from the car and threw the car door open. My son told me he thought he was about to watch someone die. This traumatized the hell out of my son and me for that matter but there are not too many memories of my son expressing fear of his mom's driving. That was one of the men she repeatedly banished and snuck back into the picture dishonestly after promising not to. Shes a good driver much of the time until her mental health declines (which it regularly does) and then she can be a terrible, terrible driver. Infrequent accidents but caused by compromised mental health and possibly substance use. My son does not have his own phone. His mom has been willing to prevent us from talking when things are rough even monitoring our phone calls and abusively interjecting inappropriate things and even on less common occasions tries to make my son think I am being abusive to her or him when it is not the case.

[GentleWay]

So, yes sadly throughout my son's life his mom has scared the crap out of him over and over and over and over again. She panics in front of him and says things that are adult topics. For example she yelled at the top of her lungs with bugged out eyes on his front lawn when I was  attempting to drop him off once that they would be homeless and that the homeless shelter would be dangerous but "Oh well!" after having a screaming match with her roommate at the time that we walked up on.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey GentleWay:

She sometimes will make things up and lie and distort and sometimes will start offering detailed confessions and expressing grief for all the pain she temporarily is aware she is causing everyone and makes repeated claims about needing therapy, medication and to quit substances but never follows through for very long at all.

Is she currently participating in any treatment?  Minimally, it would be helpful for her to have some coping skills.  She knows that she has a cycle of emotions and even though she has some good days, a bad day is around the corner. 

When you ex is rational and insightful, is it possible to suggest some coping skills for her to try?  There are some online sources to self-learn some DBT therapy tools.  Stress reduction measures could be helpful for her:  exercise, meditation, mindfulness exercises, breathing exercises, etc.  There are even helpful phone apps to choose from.  (lots of opportunities)

At some point, you may have to take steps for your son's safety.  If you ex won't get some treatment and/or continues to abuse substances, you may have to go to court and force the issue.  It's good that you are doing your best to get along.  At some point, however, you may have to recognize that you son is unsafe and measures have to be taken to protect him.  So, keep good documentation, in case you ever need it.

Shes a good driver much of the time until her mental health declines (which it regularly does) and then she can be a terrible, terrible driver. Infrequent accidents but caused by compromised mental health and possibly substance use.     

When she is in a bad emotional state, she is likely less mindful of driving safety and easily distracted.  Some healthy self-soothing skills could really benefit her.  Is she an angry driver, perhaps prone to road rage, or mostly just distracted?

My son does not have his own phone. His mom has been willing to prevent us from talking when things are rough even monitoring our phone calls and abusively interjecting inappropriate things and even on less common occasions tries to make my son think I am being abusive to her or him when it is not the case.     

Ordinarily, you son might be a little young to have his own phone.  In view of your parenting situation, perhaps you might consider getting him a phone.  I recently shopped for a new phone plan. From what I saw, there are a lot of cost efficient options for phone plans with multiple users, as opposed to a plan for one person.  Perhaps an inexpensive and durable phone might be something to consider.  If you are the one to get your son a phone first, you could have access to some monitoring options.

Perhaps you might want to start a thread and inquire about coparenting and problems with too many restrictions on phone conversations with your son. It might be helpful for you to gain input from other parents and how they handle phone or texting issues.

[GentleWay]

When you ex is rational and insightful, is it possible to suggest some coping skills for her to try?

Thank you for all your thoughtful responses. I have engaged in a lot of this type of attempted support of her. She does not seem able or willing to follow through. I will try to make time to check into some stuff. What is DBT therapy? I dont know what she is currently doing but for the past year or more she recently told me she has not been taking medication and I don't think she followed through on getting therapy at least for very long if she did. She also said that she needs medication "or something" including other stuff I have mentioned in other posts and that shes not taking it due to this or that or the other thing. Me giving any advice is a slippery slope because it can nudge her towards defensiveness and paranoid type distrust of me and aggression, etc.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey GentleWay:  
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a specific type of cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Marsha M. Linehan to help better treat borderline personality disorder. Since its development, it has also been used for the treatment of other kinds of mental health disorders.

The first link below leads to a self-help DBT website.  The 2nd link, DBT Skills Training, relates to a DBT book, ":)BT Skills Training Workshop and Handouts".  It makes some lessons available to the public.  It appears as if the lessons could stand alone, without the book.  If you explore the website, there is mention of a Facebook group.  

1. DBT SELF-HELP WEBSITE:
www.dbtselfhelp.com

• Improve the Moment Worksheet
  www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html
• Panic List
  www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html
• Finding Alternate Thoughts
  www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

2. DBT SKILLS TRAINING
https://dbtskillstraining.wordpress.com/

The above resources are some self-help options for DBT skills.  The objective is for someone to learn healthy ways to manage emotions and learn healthy ways to self-sooth without relying on harmful substances.  If people can learn some alternatives to using substance abuse to tame their emotions, it can lead to eliminating substance abuse.  Substance abuse is hard to tame, without learning new healthy habits.

DBT skills can actually be helpful skills for anyone to learn.  You might want to give some of them a try.

[GentleWay]

[quote from: Naughty Nibbler]At some point, you may have to take steps for your son's safety.  [/quote]
I think it is to that point. Feeling grounded and calm but alarmed by some new information my son told me. I think I may need legal help. I do not yet have a job. I made an appointment with a legal-advice type "clinic" which I think is a free service but the appointment is not soon enough and I may need to act here. In the past I have been totally certain that information was actionable and it turned out not to be other than the court agreeing to make her do mediation a few times contrary to what various professionals believed would/should happen.

[GentleWay]

My son is with me now and not in any immediate danger.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I think it is to that point. Feeling grounded and calm but alarmed by some new information my son told me. I think I may need legal help. I do not yet have a job. I made an appointment with a legal-advice type "clinic" which I think is a free service but the appointment is not soon enough and I may need to act here.

Hi GentleWay:

I'm glad you son is with you now and is okay for the moment.  What new information has alarmed you? 

You might want to place a post on the Legal Board.  A couple of members are knowledgeable about child custody matters and might have some helpful information to offer. 

[GentleWay]

Saw this coming a mile away. She just moved on from the last boyfriend that she lied over and over again about and who was abusive at times. He was not even totally out of the picture when this new guy was introduced. She broke our legal agreement involving him in our son's life and having him spend the night without knowing him that long and he stole her house key. My son told me all this when I asked how things were at his moms. He said the man fought with his mom in front of her but he did not feel unsafe and said the man did not yell. He said the man gave the key back. My son's mom then told my son that she was going to have 2 of her big friends protect her. I have no idea what that means and its concerning. She has threatened to have me assaulted by large men in the past and I do not know how sketchy she could get because shes always trying to break her own record on that. She told my son not to tell me any of this and said I would take him away from her.

[GentleWay]

My biggest concern is that I don't want him staying with her until she at least has her locks changed but the whole situation feels unsafe because of her lack of honesty. Talking to her seems borderline pointless because she says either nothing or wild lies when she feels under pressure or threatened. I will try to muster the strength to visit the legal advice group here.