Hi, new here, single dad looking for a little support

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi I'm new here. I googled this site after reading about it in a book about divorcing someone with BPD.  I am just looking for a little support. It feels overwhelming and I just want the best for my child.

[GentleWay]

Hi I'm new here. I googled this site after reading about it in a book about divorcing someone with BPD.  I am just looking for a little support. It feels overwhelming and I just want the best for my child.

[Mutt]

Hi Gentleway,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you've found us, there is hope. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you, you're not alone.

Is the divorce underway? How old is your kid? Boy or a girl?

I can relate with feeling emotionally drained because of my exuBPDw, I used to turn to family or friends but I was getting worried that I was going to burn them out, plus they didn't get it. Do you want to talk about what's going on currently?

[Turkish]

Hi GentleWay,

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you here.

What's the status of you divorce and what concerns do you have about your child?

T

[GentleWay]

My son is 8. I have had a strong support network of family and friends but people do get burned out on the seemingly endless cycle of dishonesty and abuse and crisis and have a hard time understanding sometimes though I feel I do have some supportive connections that mostly understand and a few that are going through similar co parenting troubles with their ex s. It is isolating and overwhelming.

[GentleWay]

The divorce has been final for a number of years. We have a parental agreement but she does not follow it when she feels she shouldn't have to and there is a history of dishonesty. She seemed to be trying super hard to get help and was acknowledging she was struggling with a lot of the traits of BPD but then I discovered that yet again she had been keeping secrets from me about my son's life and who was in it. My son told me he was told to keep it a secret from me that a significant other had been spending the night while my son was with her. This significant other was abusive in the past and inappropriate and my son's mom and I had agreed that he was not going to be allowed to visit when she had our son with her. This is just a sliver of my story obviously but the point is I am needing a new approach to surviving this while protecting my son the best I can. I have been and will remain supportive of her but sense I need more cold space between us among other possible changes. My nerves are fried.

[Mutt]

Hi GentleWay,

It is isolating and overwhelming.

I'm sorry for the delayed response. I can understand the emotional distress. You're not alone, these boards are here so that you can share with people like you that understand the difficulties with coparenting with a pwBPD, we're here 24/7/365.

My nerves are fried.

I am needing a new approach to surviving this while protecting my son the best I can.

I can understand the worry, I agree with you that a new approach for you will be good. I think that the key take away from your post is survival, what is really important for us is self care so that we don't burn the candles at both ends. I know it that feels like we're getting hammered when it's one drama after another with a pwBPD, we need to do things that we enjoy and do them often, we need to connect with family and friends, people that love us unconditionally. A pwBPD will project their drama unto you, it's easier said that done but we can stop reacting to a pwBPD's behavior because the projections don't belong to us.

What do you for self care?

Are you seeing a T?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey GentleWay:   
I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your co-parenting situation.  I'm glad that you have family and friends for support.  You are right, however, that some people can burn out on the drama associated with interacting with a person with BPD (pwBPD).  People who haven't lived with or closely interacted with a pwBPD, can have a hard time understanding how difficult and stressful it can be.  Have you considered trying some therapy for yourself?  It can help to talk to an impartial person occasionally.

We have a parental agreement but she does not follow it when she feels she shouldn't have to and there is a history of dishonesty 

It the parenting supposed to be 50/50?  How often does she violate the agreement?  How many days have you lost?

Other than lying about the person she allows over, when she has your son, what else has she lied about?

We have a Family Law Board.  Perhaps you might want to post a question there about what steps to take in regard to your ex not adhering to the parenting plan.

She seemed to be trying super hard to get help and was acknowledging she was struggling with a lot of the traits of BPD 

Other than dishonesty, what are some of the traits she is currently struggling with?  Does she have any other mental health issues in addition to BPD (i.e. depression, anxiety, etc.)?

I discovered that yet again she had been keeping secrets from me about my son's life and who was in it. My son told me he was told to keep it a secret from me that a significant other had been spending the night 

Did you discover the situation because your son told you, or did you find out first and then discussed with your son.  I'm thinking you probably had a follow-up discussion with your ex, if so, how did that go?

I have been and will remain supportive of her but sense I need more cold space between us among other possible changes. My nerves are fried.

You are being compassionate in wanting to be supportive of your ex.  In the long run, it will be best for your son.  You will probably want to set some boundaries and use certain communication skills with your ex.  You can't change her, but by using some skills, you can make it better for you and your son.

If you go to wide green band at the top of this page, you will see a "tools" menu.  Perhaps you might want to start with reading about boundaries.  Boundaries are for your benefit and will be for you to consistently enforce.  Your ex won't likely like the boundaries, but if you are consistent with them, she is more apt to comply with less push back.  After reading about boundaries, it would be helpful for you to continue on with ":)on't be Invalidating" and "Ending conflict".

One boundary could be taking steps to enforce the parenting plan.  A second boundary would be taking whatever steps possible to keep you son away from your ex's friend.  What are some other things you might need to set boundaries for?

[joeramabeme]

I need more cold space between us among other possible changes.

Hi GentleWay

Sorry to hear what you are going through but have to say that you sound very strong and well aware of what is going on and needs to be done for yourself and your son. 

While I understand this is a sliver of your story I wanted to call out this line.  Lots of things can trigger a pwBPD, not that we try to figure it all out and make a list of do's and dont's but having some general rules of thumb can be helpful.

pwBPD are hyper vigilant, they appear psychic in their ability to read other peoples emotions.  I believe it is a sort of defense mechanism.   So, while pwBPD need a lot of latitude to have their feelings, which requires a certain level of detachment from us, they also sense when the detachment is perceived as aloofness- intentional or otherwise.

There is a communication style referred to as BIFF: Brief | Informative | Friendly | Firm.  It is a good way to practice both detached and present.  Below are the details, if you feel like reading.

Keep posting,
JRB


Brief

Keep your response brief. This will reduce the chances of a prolonged and angry back-and-forth.


Informative

“Just the facts” is a good thing to keep in mind. Focus on the accurate statements you want to make, not on the inaccurate statements the other person made.

Friendly

Consciously thinking about a friendly response will increase your chances of getting a friendly or neutral response in return. If your goal is to end the conflict, then being friendly has the greatest likelihood of success.

Firm

In a nonthreatening way, clearly tell the other person your information or position on an issue; for example, “That’s all I’m going to say on this issue.” Be careful not to make comments that invite more discussion, unless you are negotiating an issue or want to keep a dialogue going back and forth. Avoid comments that leave an opening, such as, “I hope you will agree with me that…” This invites the other person to tell you,


Example of BIFF Response

Joe’s hostile e-mail: “Jane, I can’t believe you are so stupid as to think I’m going to let you take the children to your boss’s birthday party during my parenting time. Have you no memory of the last six conflicts we’ve had about my parenting time? Or are you having an affair with him? I always knew you would do anything to get ahead! In fact, I remember coming to your office party and witnessing you making a total fool of yourself, including flirting with everyone from the CEO down to the mail-room clerk! Are you high on something? Haven’t you gotten your finances together enough to support yourself yet, without flinging yourself at every Tom, Dick, and Harry?”

Jane’s response: “Thank you for responding to my request to take the children to my office party. Just to clarify, the party will be from 3:00 to 5:00 on Friday at the office, and there will be approximately thirty people there, including several other parents and their school-age children. There will be no alcohol because it is a family-oriented firm, and there will be family-oriented activities. I think it will be a good experience for the kids to see me at my workplace. Since you do not agree, then, of course, I will respect that and withdraw my request, because I recognize that it is your parenting time.”

[GentleWay]

Thank you, everyone for your responses to my posts. Very insightful, thoughtful responses. I have read a few great books on living with people that suffer from BPD but it is always good to get reminders of what works and does not work so good for navigating communication with a coparent with BPD. I will give your posts some thought. I am grateful for your caring responses.

[GentleWay]

I had a great therapist helping me for a while but have had many recent changes in health insurance and do not currently have a therapist. I have other, similar support but not therapy currently. As far as self care... .I have a good deal of knowledge about how to care for myself but I feel like a type of ptsd has developed that makes it hard for me to process stress and feel ok and follow through on the self care.

[GentleWay]

Not sure how to directly respond to a quote from another member but to respond to the question about what do I believe my son's mom suffers from as far as other traits of BPD and other things such as anxiety, etc. it is something that has not been diagnosed however she has acknowledged struggling with things like disassociation, rage attacks, projection like accusing me of still being in love with her after confronting her about lying, forgetting hateful things she says and does at times, violating boundaries repeatedly and not having healthy boundary setting skills, etc. to name some. She suffers from anxiety and abuses substances. She flips back and forth between acknowledging how hurtful her behavior gets and that she knows she can trust me and even agreed to write down for her own personal keepsake a list of what she knows she needs to do to get better to the next week or the next day not trusting me and treating me like I am the offender and bullying her because I simply want her to acknowledge she had gotten scared or distrustful again and lied to me about our son.  She told me the other day that people think I am not over her. That is bizarre, actually with so much evidence to the contrary that it stunned me (though I strive to be supportive and respectful). So she also has acknowledged in the past her tendency to become very dishonest. She has the trait of creating her own facts to fit her reality rather than creating her reality from facts as well.

[Mutt]

Hi GentleWay,

A pwBPD will make people that are close to them feel a lot of anxiety with the emotional uproars, I can relate with the PTSD type symptoms, I'm sorry to hear that you're finding it difficult to take care of yourself, I understand that you currently don't have a T, have you spoken to your GP about the symptoms?

She told me the other day that people think I am not over her. That is bizarre, actually with so much evidence to the contrary that it stunned me (though I strive to be supportive and respectful). So she also has acknowledged in the past her tendency to become very dishonest. She has the trait of creating her own facts to fit her reality rather than creating her reality from facts as well.

Feelings = facts to a pwBPD, it's the other around for non's, it's feelings are followed after the facts, about 90% of a pwBPD say is about themselves, she probably meant that she hasn't gotten over you, a pwBPD don't grieve a r/s like you or I, it's not surprising that she's still attached, our boundaries help, what I mean by that is when a pwBPD bait or are emotionally dysregulated and it's directed at you, don't respond, you'll probably have to defend this boundary often at the beginning but eventually your ex will get the picture, you might to take a look at the detaching board and take a look at the lessons there https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0

she has acknowledged struggling with things like disassociation, rage attacks, projection like accusing me of still being in love with her

When you say that she's struggling, is that past tense or the present? Is the behavior still directed at you?


PS Here's a thread on how to quote https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56733.0

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey GentleWay:   

I had a great therapist helping me for a while but have had many recent changes in health insurance and do not currently have a therapist. I have other, similar support but not therapy currently. As far as self care... .I have a good deal of knowledge about how to care for myself but I feel like a type of ptsd has developed that makes it hard for me to process stress and feel ok and follow through on the self care.

You might want to try some stress reduction things on your own.  I just got a new phone (changed from Windows to Android).  I've been trying out some phone apps for relaxation, mindfulness and meditation.  Perhaps you might want to try an app. It can be handy to access some tool on your phone to help you relax.   I'm trying one called Insight Timer.  It appears to be truly free, versus some of the others (except for a couple of add on sounds, that you don't need)

The links below lead to some coping skills that you might want to try:

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

Perhaps if you check out some of the above suggestions, you might find something that suits you.  Breathing exercises are something you can do anywhere and it can help relax you.  I like the 4-7-8 breathing exercise. 

Not sure how to directly respond to a quote from another member

  There is a "quote" button in the upper right corner of each reply box.  You can use that, and then edit out nonessential sentences in the quote, to reduce the size.  Another way to quote is to copy and past a relevant portion of what someone stated and paste it into a reply box.  Once you click the "quote" button, you will see the prefix and suffix codes.  You can shorten the prefix to something like: quote=NaughtyNibbler (with brackets around it)

She suffers from anxiety and abuses substances

What substances does she abuse?

She flips back and forth between acknowledging how hurtful her behavior gets and that she knows she can trust me and even agreed to write down for her own personal keepsake a list of what she knows she needs to do to get better to the next week or the next day not trusting me and treating me like I am the offender and bullying her because I simply want her to acknowledge she had gotten scared or distrustful again and lied to me about our son. 

The problem with people with BPD is that their feelings become their truth.  So, what she might do or say when she is more emotionally stable can differ from when she is in a state of emotional dysregulation.  You might need to drop trying to get her to admit she lied.  Focus on trying to prevent her having her friend over in the future, during her parenting weekends.

 

[GentleWay]

"When you say that she's struggling, is that past tense or the present? Is the behavior still directed at you?" To answer this question the struggle is ongoing. The behavior is directed at me at times but has been directed at my son very much which is a concern in the present tense.

[GentleWay]

Hey GentleWay:   

You might want to try some stress reduction things on your own.  I just got a new phone (changed from Windows to Android).  I've been trying out some phone apps for relaxation, mindfulness and meditation. 

[GentleWay]

Thank you for the ideas. I definitely have benefited from yoga and meditation. I need to make time for that.

[GentleWay]

What substances does she abuse?

[GentleWay]

My concern about substances is primarily with alcohol and the possibility of coke though I hope not. I do not care to discuss details about that too much but I welcome the warm support you all are showing and welcome your responses. She has agreed to quit certain substances like alcohol many times admitting it was making her problems worse and had even resulted in a fairly nasty, almost severe head injury that gave us a scare fairly recently when she was drunk and fell and hit her head.

[GentleWay]

You might need to drop trying to get her to admit she lied.  Focus on trying to prevent her having her friend over in the future, during her parenting weekends

[GentleWay]

Yes, I agree. I have taken time to reassess my approach with her which is why I came here for sure. I had said there would be court involvement in a clumsy moment of panic and she just became more threatening and irrational and delusional so I quickly recognized it was escalating and I needed to ease off on trying to reason with her and give her space to calm down while I considered what to do next. I have decided very cautiously to wait on any court involvement and I am trying to keep my communication with her short and to the point and friendly. She is not well right now.

[GentleWay]

A pwBPD will make people that are close to them feel a lot of anxiety with the emotional uproars, I can relate with the PTSD type symptoms, I'm sorry to hear that you're finding it difficult to take care of yourself, I understand that you currently don't have a T, have you spoken to your GP about the symptoms?

[GentleWay]

My GP meaning general practitioner? My primary doc has told me that his assessment of my nervous system health/mental health and what not is that I have no disorder that he can perceive and that I am having a normal physiological response to actual emergencies and crisis that have kept happening for years. That's as forthright as I can be.

[GentleWay]

[Did you discover the situation because your son told you,/quote]

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey GentleWay:

Hang in there.  The substance abuse will be something to monitor.  It may have the potential to be more harmful for your son, than being around your ex's friend.  Even though you hope to not take her to court on these issues, best to document things (dates, times, etc.) and keep a file.  It's a lot easier to have the documentation and not use it, than to have to try to document down the road by memory.

Everyone can benefit from using strategies to reduce their stress.  :)o you need a referral from your primary care doctor to seek some counseling?

You are almost there with using quotes.  You will want to add your reply directly under the quote box, within the same reply window (1 reply instead of 2).  It can, also be helpful to indicate the alias of who made the quote (i.e. quote=Mutt or quote=NaughtyNibbler, etc.)

[GentleWay]

I found out because my son told me. In the last 3 or so weeks he has told me 1) that a man we have had problems with was spending the night again 2)his mom told him to keep it secret that they were staying there when my son was with her 3) that he is worried about his mom and her verbal aggression is hurting him... .He is regressing and having a slide back in to struggling in school. To answer the question about other ways the Parental agreement has been violated and other ways she has been dishonest I can only share a few examples. This has been going on for years off and on (mostly on) and I have to deal with what is in front of me without regurgitating too much. Lying about significant others and going back and forth between acting head over heels for them and demonizing them and declaring they must not be allowed around our son only to sneak them back in to the picture is one major aspect of the dishonesty. In the past she has also attempted smear campaigns against me and I am very concerned that she attempts to convince her boyfriends to confront me after she convinces them I am bullying her or something by distorting reality and spreading falsehoods when she feels threatened by me wanting to enforce my parental rights and boundaries. I will leave it at that for now.

[GentleWay]

It's a lot easier to have the documentation and not use it, than to have to try to document down the road by memory.

[GentleWay]

documentation is tricky for me. did a lot of it in the past... .I have a trove in fact but to preserve my sanity I have stopped doing that mostly. I will document moving forward to the best of my ability but I have to protect what is left of me so I have to majorly limit it and be concise.

[GentleWay]

You are almost there with using quotes.

-NaughtyNibbler

like this?

[Naughty Nibbler]

The shortened prefix portion would look like this:  quote author=NaughtyNibbler (with a left bracket added before the "Q"  in quote and a right bracket added after the "N" in nibbler).  If you click the "quote" button, you will see an example of the quote format code.  The default is to show a long prefix portion that identifies the post the info. came from.   That can be beneficial to use in some situations.  It can be easier to copy and past a segment of comments from others, into your reply post and then add the shortened prefix and suffix.  Some people use that strategy and quote comments from a couple of members into one reply:  For example:

A pwBPD will make people that are close to them feel a lot of anxiety with the emotional uproars. . .

It can be handy to access some tool on your phone to help you relax.

I hope I'm not confusing you.  Sometime, you may just want to click the quote button, leave the prefix and suffix as they are and just edit out excess text (just keep what is relevant to your reply).  Other times, it can be handy to just copy and past short segments of text from a combination of replies and just add the quote code.  Some people just add a generic prefix of "quote", but it is best to know the ID of who originated the quote.

[GentleWay]

It may have the potential to be more harmful for your son, than being around your ex's friend.

Regarding substance abuse one of my primary concerns is her driving while under the influence. She crashes cars some times as part of her past downward spirals. This happened last year and my son and her were lucky to be alive. Police came and she was at fault but was not tested for substances. She told me she felt that she should possibly not ever drive again because she said her "anxiety" or "mental health" distracted her and caused her to crash. She just bought a new car after not driving for months. As far as the unsafe nature of the significant others, there is 2 things that worry me. One is that she tends to have unstable, unhealthy, abusive relationships that my son is exposed to and the men act in unsafe or inappropriate ways and number two is that she is a master at pushing peoples buttons and provoking explosive reactions.