Ive Taken the first step... to healing...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

... .and it is both painful and scary. She has ended the relationship... .again, and the last time I left I had to wait 3 weeks before I could move out into the new place. In the 11th hour she managed to bait me in and I was blind to the fact that I was merely a means to an end in her survival at that point. Armed with this knowledge and newfound disappointment, this time seems different. Over the last two months she slowly began to push me to the outside and begin to be more independent (kep me around as a safety net?), because when I left the last time she crumbled, bad. I guess now I have out-lived my usefulness, she has her bed now, she can get her kids to and from school, cook "food" and has set up a network of people to assist her in some of these duties. So she ended it. At least now I have found a place I can move into right away, and get away from her to begin NC. She doesn't know I am leaving tomorrow and she has a commitment that will keep her away from the house for 24hrs, allowing me to get my stuff and go. Once I am gone, I can truly grieve the idea that I had for our relationship, our life together, the person who I thought she was, and let her go. I will truly practice the techniques of NC and enforce them kindly as a means for MY healing, not to punish her.

NC is about me, not her. I won't waste by breath explaining it to her because she will not understand and hear the words I am saying as she has proven this to me time and time again. I am a little concerned that she may try to keep in touch somehow because she has stated (many times) that she really wants to remain friends, keep me in her life, because we shared something "so special" When I think about that thought, honestly; I really have nothing to offer her in a friendship, and I see no value added to my life in keeping her as a friend. I bring nothing to the table anymore and I do not want the scraps, or a piece of, a such an intimate vulnerable relationship that, to me, transcended just friendship. Friendship was a part of it for me. If a Friend had ever treated me, spoke to me in the ways she has over the last 18months, they'd be gone from my life in a heartbeat. I am hopeful though that  because she appears to have more confidence in her ability to survive without me now that it will be easier to assert NC and check myself if I happen to have an urge and there is less chance she will contact me. Plus my friends and family are all over me about it to. they are really worried that I could go back, and they have valid reasons, because I got this far before and went back.

I feel like an addict, leaning on people to give me constructive advice, ideas to refer to should she contact me in the near future.

What if I get a text or email?
What if she calls?
What if she shows up at my office?

Any thoughts, suggestions, feedback from those who have been through this before? What worked and what didn't? What did it stir in you if you pwBPDex contacted you while you enacted NC?

I really don't want to get sucked back in and break free of the event horizon... .

[Swhitey]

... .and it is both painful and scary. She has ended the relationship... .again, and the last time I left I had to wait 3 weeks before I could move out into the new place. In the 11th hour she managed to bait me in and I was blind to the fact that I was merely a means to an end in her survival at that point. Armed with this knowledge and newfound disappointment, this time seems different. Over the last two months she slowly began to push me to the outside and begin to be more independent (kep me around as a safety net?), because when I left the last time she crumbled, bad. I guess now I have out-lived my usefulness, she has her bed now, she can get her kids to and from school, cook "food" and has set up a network of people to assist her in some of these duties. So she ended it. At least now I have found a place I can move into right away, and get away from her to begin NC. She doesn't know I am leaving tomorrow and she has a commitment that will keep her away from the house for 24hrs, allowing me to get my stuff and go. Once I am gone, I can truly grieve the idea that I had for our relationship, our life together, the person who I thought she was, and let her go. I will truly practice the techniques of NC and enforce them kindly as a means for MY healing, not to punish her.

NC is about me, not her. I won't waste by breath explaining it to her because she will not understand and hear the words I am saying as she has proven this to me time and time again. I am a little concerned that she may try to keep in touch somehow because she has stated (many times) that she really wants to remain friends, keep me in her life, because we shared something "so special" When I think about that thought, honestly; I really have nothing to offer her in a friendship, and I see no value added to my life in keeping her as a friend. I bring nothing to the table anymore and I do not want the scraps, or a piece of, a such an intimate vulnerable relationship that, to me, transcended just friendship. Friendship was a part of it for me. If a Friend had ever treated me, spoke to me in the ways she has over the last 18months, they'd be gone from my life in a heartbeat. I am hopeful though that  because she appears to have more confidence in her ability to survive without me now that it will be easier to assert NC and check myself if I happen to have an urge and there is less chance she will contact me. Plus my friends and family are all over me about it to. they are really worried that I could go back, and they have valid reasons, because I got this far before and went back.

I feel like an addict, leaning on people to give me constructive advice, ideas to refer to should she contact me in the near future.

What if I get a text or email?
What if she calls?
What if she shows up at my office?

Any thoughts, suggestions, feedback from those who have been through this before? What worked and what didn't? What did it stir in you if you pwBPDex contacted you while you enacted NC?

I really don't want to get sucked back in and break free of the event horizon... .

[UnforgivenII]

These feelings, the urge to leave... .it is the HEALTHY part of you, the part of you who wants to protect you. Listen to this voice and remember it. Because it is not now. You know that the sadness will creep in day after day, in the future. Be prepared for your inner battle. Face it with courage. Allow the healthy part of you to take care of your self.
The worst part will not be when she calls.
The worst part will be her silence.
In the silence, one million questions will put up in your mind.
But remember all the things you did-which went unnnoticed and unappreciated- and all the words you said-which were never heard.

I am talking to myself, too.
I wish you the best of luck.

[Swhitey]

UnforgivenII, Thank you so much for reminding me of what I know is healthy for ME. It amazes me how quickly I can loose sight of this. I am dreading the sadness but I know, it too shall pass. I'm not looking forward to the ruminations either. I know they are coming... .I have a lot of work on the road ahead. We all do.

I am glad you are talking to yourself in this too, because what you have written is very wise. This forum is like a journal sometimes, a journal that provides that little bit of extra feedback from a different point of view. It's beautiful, really.

Thank you again for your kind words.

[bunny4523]

I really don't want to get sucked back in and break free of the event horizon... .

I feel you.  I'm not sure if this will work for you but this is what I did.  Along the lines of... .you not wanting her as a friend because anyone who treated you the way she did... .they would be gone from my life in a heartbeat.

Remember that and think about things that happened in the relationship.  The thoughts that trigger sadness, set aside... .the ones that trigger anger, set aside.  The thoughts that make you feel strong and powerful, the ones that make you feel good about yourself because you know you deserve better and you will get through this.  Picture yourself healed from this and in a healthy realtionship... .focus on those thoughts to get you through those emotional times.

For me, I specifically focused on feeling trapped.  I had sold everything and moved in with him to get kicked out a month later because I didn't spend enough time with him one Saturday.  I felt trapped and desperate... .Once I left rather than focusing on that anger and pain, I focused on my strength.  The strength it took me to tell everyone the marriage is off, pack my things into boxes and move not having even a bed. NO furniture, washer, dryer, fridge... .I had sold everything and I dragged my innocent 16 year old son with me through it all, tring to reassure  him that everything would be ok.

And you know teenagers, I got a guilt trip about how I'm a bad parent because I made the decison to move in and marry this guy and now everything is screwed up because we have to move again.  Ugh it was so hard but I rose above it and I told him that what he should be focusing on is that I GOT US OUT OF IT.  That I had the strength to pull us out of this situation.  I also had a great support system telling me how proud they were of me and how strong I've been when they themselves felt so desperate and helpless to do anything for me.   

So i guess focus on your strengths, the things that make you feel good about yourself.  Push the negative, sad, angry stuff aside... .(not always... .feel the feelings as you need to but once you've processed them... .don't let them keep coming back to torment you.)

Hope that helps,
Bunny

[Swhitey]

Thank you Bunny,

Your experience sounds like quite a difficult one, for both you and your son. Your attitude towards the situation is inspiring and positive in light of what you and your Family had to endure at the time. Thank you so much for sharing this, and adds to the support I am receiving.

I will practice and remind myself of my strengths and my reasons. I did move out this weekend and have my own sanctuary to now heal. I miss her and the kids still, but I have to go through this to get out. It was really painful to pack up my belonging and find all the other things that had attached memories to them. Once I was in my new place though, I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be... .I was more lonely, but I'm used to that anyway... .I'm looking forward to setting up my new man cave

[Mutt]

Hi Swhitey,



I'm sorry to hear that things turned out the way that they did, it has to be difficult to move out when your partner is out for the day, you were a blended family, how did your kids take the seperation from the other two kids? It's also difficult when we get attached to the kids.

It sounds like you know what's good for you, you want to self protect but you know that you want to use it as a weapon. You also know that she may try to bait you if you try to explain, you're also right about that.

I feel like an addict, leaning on people to give me constructive advice, ideas to refer to should she contact me in the near future.

What if I get a text or email?
What if she calls?
What if she shows up at my office?

Don't worry about leaning on others, part of the healing process is to get advice from peers because we can give you realistic feedback about you, a pwBPD will usually have mostly negative feedback about us and it's unrealistic - distortions, it's very confusing, I think that it sounds like you might be worried that you may recycle if she shows up at your work or tries to get in touch with you?

[Swhitey]

Thanks Mutt, for reinforcing that it's okay to reach out. Lately I have felt like an emotional vampire, draining peoples energy as I express these overwhelming, ruminating thoughts. I cycle between feeling strong and resolute, and at other times fixated on her and feeling like I am to blame for everything. It has only been a few days and on only 36hrs of no contact. I am terrified to get the rest of my stuff back that I was unable to pack when I moved for fear that she might initiate trying to connect or even worse, I might... .

My son has taken it OK, he seems alright. We talk and are very openly about things (he is 9) He has felt the sting of her ire when she has become dis-regulated. He "slighted" her once or twice by wanting to play video games and not do something she wanted, after that she would make comments in earshot of him to me or her kids complaining "come on kids, we are going to go do this [my son] only thinks of himself and wants to play video games!" I noticed that when I had my son stay with us and gave him my attention she would become more defensive and would pick fights with me. most times he has been around her and I would be fighting and my attention would be on her, trying to diffuse the situation so we could have peace in the house. I don't think he misses her and is probably glad to have me back. I feel like a terrible father having subjected him to this crazy making. Her kids are apparently quite saddened as she stated on Sunday, but I was very involved in their lives as they lived with us full time. At least I get along with her ex husband and he and I are arranging to get the kids together on a regular basis, I still really care about those boys of hers and I know my son does too. Her ex told me he plans to re-open his court claim to get his kids half the time, split custody now that I am no longer able to be a care provider as I once was, as she is not working and has little support to care for them and he can. He told me that I have been a great step dad to his kids (and many others have said that not very many people would step up the way I did) and that he is so grateful for all I have done to love and support his kids while they were not with him.

Mindfulness & meditation, exercise, friends & family, and counseling (Our couples therapist has taken me on for individual counseling now) I think these are what I need right now to maintain strong mental health and to heal and detach. Probably also make lots of posts here too as I wrestle with the cycle of emotions. This place is a haven and such a remarkable resource. I have to investigate why my attachment to such a toxic person has been so strong. I feel emotionally abused, my self esteem whittled down to new lows I've never experienced, I beat myself up constantly and blame myself... .and yet I cannot understand why this desire, attachment to her remains... .jeez talk about me having unresolved childhood unmet needs to figure out, right? I have a lot of work to do.

[heartandwhole]

Mindfulness & meditation, exercise, friends & family, and counseling (Our couples therapist has taken me on for individual counseling now) I think these are what I need right now to maintain strong mental health and to heal and detach. Probably also make lots of posts here too as I wrestle with the cycle of emotions. This place is a haven and such a remarkable resource. I have to investigate why my attachment to such a toxic person has been so strong. I feel emotionally abused, my self esteem whittled down to new lows I've never experienced, I beat myself up constantly and blame myself... .and yet I cannot understand why this desire, attachment to her remains... .jeez talk about me having unresolved childhood unmet needs to figure out, right? I have a lot of work to do.

If I could write a recommendation for recovery, this ^ would be it.   It's painful and confusing, but your attitude toward dealing with your struggles is right on the mark. Keep on keepin' on this path, Swhitey, and I predict wonderful growth and healing coming your way.

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Hi Swhitey,

I can understand the guilt with the stepkids, I couldn't help my SD and her dad and step mom tried to help her, they didn't have a court order, that's a story for another thread but I just wanted to you let know that I know it's tough. You create attachments with the kids and you just want to protect them and make sure that they're Ok, it sounds like you're a pretty good dad if the biological dad gave you a thumbs, take the validation that you're a good dad. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sorry that you're son had to go through that, I bet that it triggered feelings of shame about enjoying something that he likes, doing something that you like is a part of self care, you should do things that you like often.

I can also relate with feeling like I was draining family and friends, but if you think about it, we're going through traumatic events when a pwBPD suddenly decides that the r/s is not working out for them, I think that's understandable that we're looking for answers from people that we trust.

[Swhitey]

Hey Everyone!

Thank you so much for your support!

heartandwhole, your words have helped reinforce the commitment I have for my plan to work on myself and that I am heading down a new path of self discovery. (kinda scary and exciting)

Mutt, Thank you for reminding me that this experience has been traumatic and confusing for me. I am so grateful for the love and support that has been offered to me by friends, family and members of this board. I look forward to being able to reciprocate that in some way to those who would seek my support in their time of need. It was nice to get the thumbs up from the kids biological father. I know in my heart, I am a good dad - to my own kid and to her 2 boys. I am a kind, caring and compassionate person, sometimes for the right reasons... .sometimes for the wrong reasons... .

I would like to share (if I may) that a light has come on. I am excited about this newfound idea. My relationship with her was supposed to happen for me to come to certain realizations about myself. I was drawn to this person for a reason, and she was drawn to me for a reason. What I chose to do with this is up to me. What she chooses, well that is up to her. Through her, I have become aware of a huge revelation about myself that has been a bane to all my romantic relationships and will continue to do so if I do not address this and commit to changing this dysfunctional belief I hold onto. This is my opportunity for real change and a shot at having a healthy, loving, romantic relationship in the future. Which I think we can all agree is something that the majority of people want. Am I right?

When I first found this site, one of the articles I read was about the Karpman Drama Triangle. I didn't get it then, I couldn't relate to it. As well, I had just started therapy and my life was drama and chaos at home. I was in survival mode. At the same time my therapist quickly picked up on something and asked me: "Why do you have this belief that you are undeserving (of love)?" and "What do you gain by holding this belief that you are not deserving or that you are unlovable?" This stumped me, I couldn't come up with an idea. It has percolated in my mind ever since. I think it brought something to the surface unconsciously though, in my behaviors and how I interacted with my ex. Having this space lately after moving out has given me the ability to reflect a little bit more objectively on my own actions. I focus on the last incident that broke us up (again). In short I cooked a dinner for the family, she criticized it and remade it for her and her kids, I felt hurt because that is how I express love (cooking), I told her this and she snapped at me, I felt worse, she breaks up with me. In a nut shell. I think I posted this story in detail in another thread.

What this incident has now helped show to me, as I mulled it over for many days afterwards, is yes, when I cook for people I love, it is to nourish them, to express my love for them. However, I think sometimes (most times?) my motives are driven by doing things like this for others so that they will love me. I bend over backwards to please people so that I can get validation that I am a good person or that I am a lovable person. This goes back to an unmet childhood need that I have been ignoring forever. My mother suffers from depression, anxiety, bulimia, anorexia, ptsd, maybe even some borderline structures. Bottom line is, my mother has many issues that she has battled with her whole life. That's fine, I don't blame her. She's my mom, she's has been there for me and loves me. I know this. One of my earliest memories though is being told that I am a selfish child and that I am so self centered. My childhood memories have always been remembered as being alone, isolated, lonely, dull. Very, head down type imagery. I witnessed my dad dedicate his time and energy to rescuing my mom for 29 years, so she didn't die from not eating. I see now that I grew up learning that a partnership and love is based on saving someone. That I it is selfish to have needs and only through service to others can I have mine met. I never witnessed or knew that it is okay to love and respect myself, truly and believe it.

The adage: "you can't fully love someone until you truly love yourself" makes more sense to me... .I don't dismiss the idea of that with a "yea, yea, yeah, whatever" thought because I really don't know what that means of feels like.

I never realized that in "saving someone", I have likely been expressing my unmet childhood need, and in doing so I actually take power away from people to do things for themselves, especially the ones I love. And let me tell you, my ex would give me so many opportunities to save her, explicitly asking me sometimes. She portrayed herself, and I seen her as, a victim to save. I can see why we came together in this dysfunctional dance of a relationship. Her actions/behaviors quite overtly brought this to the surface for me (like a mallet over the head saying "wake up damnit!"

So how did I get to this place now? Therapy. Being curious about myself. Stopped blaming her for who/what she does/is. Authentically take responsibility for my feelings, actions and behaviors.

What really helped flip the switch for me was this thread: The Three Faces of Victim - Lynne Forrest

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

Which led to the full article here:

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

With all the inward curiosity about myself, my self work, and therapy, The Karpman Drama Triangle began to make much more sense. I can relate to it, and I can now see where I play on the triangle. How I play rescuer AND the the victim, primarily. How co-dependent I am and why I choose partners who are equally co-dependent. How we came together to teach each other these things about ourselves to grow (hopefully together) and what having unmet childhood needs really means.

This is all just a starting point for me but I think I have a decent road map to begin this journey, for personal growth, that will lead to an improved sense of self and being able to be part of a healthier romantic relationship in the future. Kinda scary too, I'll admit to holding myself prisoner to this way of thinking and it is really all I have known. I find myself disappointed that my ex wouldn't look at things in a similar way. There were many times she did show me the forms of love I am looking for and that was authentic. We had lots of fun together too. Sadly there were also unhealthy forms of love given by both of us as well. It is my choice to change myself, and I can't "save" her from her choices. I have to be careful not to ruminate on this thought. Keep the focus on myself.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. This is a work in progress and with the help I am receiving, this work in progress will hopefully transform my life for the better!

[Mutt]

Hi Swhitey,

The adage: "you can't fully love someone until you truly love yourself" makes more sense to me... .

I don't know what to say other than  You know what you're talking and you're on the right path, if we don't take care of ourselves we end up burning the candle at both ends, when you're happier the people around you that you have r/s's with, not just romantic ones, friends etc become happier too, it's a trickle down effect, it also sets an example and in turn they'll take care of themselves, you attract people with healthier r/s skills.

The silver lining with being in a r/s with a pwBPD is that it teaches you about r/s's, I share similar feelings about my exuBPDw, she was a teacher, a mentor and taught me to stick up for myself and to stop taking abuse, she showed the areas that I needed to work on, boundaries, being a better son, father, friend, I'm less self centered I'm taking care of myself, I trust others now because my choices are healthier with the people I have in my inner circle. The experience taught me that one of the most important things in life are r/s's.

I'd like to touch on drama triangles too, now you see the part that you played in it, I still see that pattern there with my exuBPDw because she's dramatic, it was always there in our r/s and others areas in life, now I know to stay in the middle and not choose sides in the triangle, there's less chaos and drama for it.

[Swhitey]

Beautifully put Mutt! What I am learning about myself will only serve to improve all my relationships, from a romantic partner to strangers I encounter on the street and everyone in-between. But mostly my relationship with myself. Ive been a real jerk to myself . I would like to treat myself more gently, with compassion, respect and love. I deserve that. Time to learn what that looks and feels like.

I couldn't have really begun to learn this on my own. I chose her because I needed to learn this lesson. For that I am grateful. It's all very new to me, but I know if I put the work in I'll find the center eventually and notice more when I am dancing on the triangle.

I learn things that hard way, that's just how it is.

I'm still in love with her, but being away from the drama has settled me, let me get perspective. My ex's life is and has always been full of drama. I feel sorry for her, I didn't want her life to be so chaotic and dramatic, and I had only just had a taste of what her entire life might have been like. I didn't like the chaos.