Separated and almost out

[Eltee123]

I've been separated from my BPD wife for almost a year. We had been married almost three years when I separated (more than 2 years of that time we were in counseling). She would be furious to even hear me say she has BPD, despite numerous diagnoses from psychiatrists and psychologists. I separated because I couldn't stand the constant verbal abuse, the blaming, the threats, being locked out, etc.

The separation had been hell for both of us. I wanted a divorce immediately upon separation and should have done it. Well-intentioned friends got me / us to work on it, but it hasn't gone anywhere. After prayer and consideration I decided to make one more "go" at reconciliation, basically offering to work on reconciliation if she would agree to go to a course that teaches people how to be more compassionate towards themselves and their spouses. She would have none of it.

She believes that since I separated, I need to grovel for her to work on reconciliation. I am sorry for the things I did wrong before we separated. I had been pulling away in some unhealthy ways. It was my fault but the arguments didn't help. That said, I feel that she has work to do as well. The fact that I want her to do work (basic things like agree to not scream at me, to criticize behavior rather than me as a person, to not use guilt trips, etc) is unacceptable to her and a "deal killer".

We just had a tough conversation where we determined the marriage was probably over. She had told me she hated me multiple times tonight, but then said that she only said that bc she loves me still.

I guess what I need from this group is encouragement. This marriage feels over. I do love her but I don't see her showing any empathy or love to me. I separated bc she was cruel to me- constantly insulting me, locking me out during arguments, spreading lies about me (I'm not and have never been gay and she has started spreading those lies about me), accusing me of affairs I never had (I never had an affair period), etc.

Am I making the right decision to end this? How have the people here who have ended relationships like this felt about it afterwards? Thanks.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Eltee,
   Only you can determine what is right for your life.  We can encourage and support you.  This is a safe place for that.
   My own experience leads me to think it is actually impossible to have the kind of give and take marriage you were thinking of when you married.  Life with a BPD spouse is more like adoption. You will be a caretaker of a child who does not grow up. (And cannot.)  It is really difficult always and if you do not have strong boundaries, the devaluing can swallow you up.  If you are young and want a family at some point, it will only be more complicated... .like raising children by yourself in a home where you are put down in front of them... .and they in front of you. It is not actually marriage in the sense of the legal and religious implications.
  My best to you.

[icesoul]

I've been separated from my BPD wife for almost a year. We had been married almost three years when I separated (more than 2 years of that time we were in counseling). She would be furious to even hear me say she has BPD, despite numerous diagnoses from psychiatrists and psychologists. I separated because I couldn't stand the constant verbal abuse, the blaming, the threats, being locked out, etc.

The separation had been hell for both of us. I wanted a divorce immediately upon separation and should have done it. Well-intentioned friends got me / us to work on it, but it hasn't gone anywhere. After prayer and consideration I decided to make one more "go" at reconciliation, basically offering to work on reconciliation if she would agree to go to a course that teaches people how to be more compassionate towards themselves and their spouses. She would have none of it.

She believes that since I separated, I need to grovel for her to work on reconciliation. I am sorry for the things I did wrong before we separated. I had been pulling away in some unhealthy ways. It was my fault but the arguments didn't help. That said, I feel that she has work to do as well. The fact that I want her to do work (basic things like agree to not scream at me, to criticize behavior rather than me as a person, to not use guilt trips, etc) is unacceptable to her and a "deal killer".

We just had a tough conversation where we determined the marriage was probably over. She had told me she hated me multiple times tonight, but then said that she only said that bc she loves me still.

I guess what I need from this group is encouragement. This marriage feels over. I do love her but I don't see her showing any empathy or love to me. I separated bc she was cruel to me- constantly insulting me, locking me out during arguments, spreading lies about me (I'm not and have never been gay and she has started spreading those lies about me), accusing me of affairs I never had (I never had an affair period), etc.

Am I making the right decision to end this? How have the people here who have ended relationships like this felt about it afterwards? Thanks.

bro be very very careful. if you going to do it, just do it cause she going to come at you hard. in my situation, i didint mean divorce, i just wanted to give her  scare, i filled out the divorce paper cause her arguing behavior was way too bizzare, cause of it didnt make sense. guess what happened? i was asleep, she cut her face, called the cops, got arrested. i gave her a chance, in 2months called the cops again only cause she couldnt control me, she said i was gona harm her in retaliation now i gota another case. the law is CRAP, its a way for them to drag you in and waste money on lawyers, the system.

between all this time, she sold the jewelry, most my business music equipment,  took off with the kids, now has the upper hand in custody, she basically abandoned me thinking i was going to do it first. she posted pictures of her cheating with this nasty looking dude with my kids on his lap. if thats not sick i dont know what is. and now complaining to everyone, its all my fault. now i was no angel in relationship, i was kinda like you. i was tired of putting up with the nonsense circular arguments so i locked my self in a room, she hated it. she started banging on the door . they dont even know what they the arguing about, they just want chaos and drama. or maybe she had the replacement ready to go and wanted a way out by getting me in trouble and ruining myself.

my only mistake was that i gave her a 2nd chance, i thought she would have compassion and thought she would be different. but they dont have no feelings, empathy. im in a crap load of trouble and my freedom is on the line. and infidelity hurts like no other, it will destroy you. unless you got kids and want to work it out then keep it civil but you dont want to tell ur leaving no matter how upset you are. but incase you do, make sure never tell her, just leave and divorce, pull the plug and get away from her. im saving you whole lota heartache, money.

otherwise, she will try to punish you in the worst way possible. its been 5 months in my situation. i have court cases, i cant see my kids. the girl has ruined my life. these people have no heart, soul. mine seems like a complete NARC, psycho, borderline, bipolar, all in one beautiful looking package. the only thing she had, she is drop dead gorgeous, atleast i got beautiful kids out of her haha 

[marti644]

Eltee,

Very sorry to hear your going through this. My heart goes out to you and just know we are all here to support you. I know this will be difficult to go through, but in my opinion you should get out as quickly as you can if this is what you want. Furthermore, try not to take what she said about you so personally. People with BPD project their own faults and emotions onto their partners. If you look closely you will see that the insults she said about you were actually her flaws.

My BPD-ex told me that I was too mentally ill to ever be with anyone else, and that if I was with anyone else it would be a crappy relationship and they would be messed up to be with me. She also told me I was a liar, pathetic, and a cheat, none of which were true.

Over time and through research I learned that these were projections. I have deep sympathy for the chaotic mess of her psyche, but am grateful to be free of it now.

Hang in there and rebuild yourself. You can't help someone else if you can't help yourself first.

[Panshekay]

Hi Eltee,
You said " I do love her but I don't see her showing any empathy or love to me. I separated bc she was cruel to me- constantly insulting me, locking me out during arguments, spreading lies about me (I'm not and have never been gay and she has started spreading those lies about me), accusing me of affairs I never had (I never had an affair period), etc. "
I think it's Forever Dad who says, believe them the first time  they show you who they really are.  Our son has been separated and trying to divorce his wife now for 3.5 years.  The last year she has literally done and said anything she can to destroy his relationship with his kids, family and friends.  I remember 7 years ago when they weren't dating anymore, I was in bed and my husband came in and said the kids are here and want to tell you something. I got up, went to the kitchen to see our son and his ex GF (they married the next year)  she was holding a cake with 50 pacifiers on it. She was pregnant. My first thought was "congrats, I wonder who the father is".  Later she told me she knew I wished that I was pregnant with our sons baby, and I was jealous... .I never told anyone that.  How someone could think that or say those things are beyond me. But I still extended Grace. I made excuses for her behavior, she didn't have a good role model for a parent,  she was depressed, scared... .she wasn't loved enough when she was a child. What I found out is it just gets worse, it doesn't get better. Eventually she alienated our son, SGD and GS from us.  She spread lies about us. Said horrible things about us. She called the cops on me, that I had hurt our 10 yo SGD when our son brought the kids to see us last year... .175 miles away, she has made 9 complaints to DHS about our son who is a nurse, he may lose his nursing license/ career now over these lies and false allegations.  Everything SHE has said or done to our son she has reflected onto him.  She was physically and mentally abusive to him and the kids but has convinced DHS he was that way because we were abusive parents to our kids. So here I sit, trying to help our son who lives 175 miles away (yep, she insisted they move to get away from us) fight these false allegations and try and get custody of his S. it's a mess and a nightmare. These last 9.5 years have been a rollercoaster ride in hell.  My advice to you is you sound like a great man who deserves someone who is going to treat you with kindness,love, and respect.   You should never have to beg someone to treat you decently.  I know right now it's hard, but read the other stories here, know that others here really care and then after some time find someone who is worthy of you. You deserve it. Believe it.

[vortex of confusion]

Am I making the right decision to end this? How have the people here who have ended relationships like this felt about it afterwards? Thanks.

Only you know whether or not it is the right decision. What does your gut say?

It is possible to still love somebody and choose to end the relationship. I was with ex for almost 20 years and we have 4 kids together. I chose to end things because I could no longer live in denial. I could no longer deal with his unpredictability. I asked him to go to counseling one time and he told me no, it wouldn't do any good because he could tell the counselor whatever he wanted to. He did do some counseling but not enough to make a difference. It felt like he was going because that is what I told him to do. And then that was used against me to show that he was doing everything that I wanted and I still wasn't happy. Um, when he called me a b***h in front of our kids, that is NOT okay. Somehow, it was still my fault that he called me that in front of our kids and I was just being unreasonable.

If the two of you don't have any kids together, run like hell! Sorry to be so blunt.

If things haven't changed yet, they aren't likely to change in the future. When I stopped having that false hope and thinking magical things like, "Oh I just need to give him another chance.", it became easier to end things. He didn't want to end the relationship and he also didn't want to do anything to improve the relationship either. I felt like he wanted me to accept whatever he gave me without complaint. Any asking for more on my part was too much and was seen as me being demanding and ridiculous. I decided that I could no longer live like that. I wanted more than that for myself and my kids.

Find ways to protect yourself. Make a decision and then stand firm. If you aren't certain that you want to end it, maybe you can post on the Undecided forum. You have to make up YOUR mind and stick to it. Waffling or changing your mind or sending mixed signals will only add fuel to the fire.