My boyfriend has BPD and 12 steps

[farverR]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 months and for months he thought he had bipolar. He realized he was misdiagnosed and was diagnosed with BPD. He often has breakdowns and talks to me about how he feels hopeless and like he ruins everything. I get frustrated because I relate to so much of what he's talking about and have gone through almost 3 years in AA to deal with my addiction along with extreme depression. I know this is not the same disease as BPD but I get frustrated because I am so often there for him when he upset but I feel like he thinks he's the only person in the world that deals with sadness and isn't as accommodating when I am going through tough things. I never share this with him of course because I know this is selfish on my end however it usually leaves me feeling slightly resentful after I talk to him about what he's going through and I don't know what to do with this. I also am wondering if suggesting for him to go to a 12 step based program would be helpful. I only wonder this because I relate to everything he talks about, my problems were more based around drinking of course but the only solution I ever found was working in this program. I've read this can also be harmful to people with BPD and I dont want to assume everything he's been through/is going through is exactly like what I went through. What do I tell him when he talks about how hopeless he feels and how scary it is that there's no cure for BPD? I usually remind him that he's not broken and he's not doomed to feel like this forever. Is this okay?

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[Notwendy]

I've been in 12 step programs to work on co-dependency and issues from being a child of a dysfunctional home ( mom with BPD). One concern I have is that a person in the 12 steps has to share with honesty and be pretty vulnerable with a sponsor. A sponsor can only help if the person is willing to get truly honest about character defects, people they have hurt, and willing to make amends.

To me, these are very tough things for pwBPD to do. It feels uncomfortable to self examine. PwBPD tend to not be able to manage this and tend to project and blame others. Also, if the person gets triggered and rages at the sponsor, I don't know if the sponsor would want to continue- they are not professionals and don't get paid to do this, and so would not tolerate this. Last is making amends. I think that is hard for someone with BPD.

The people who do seem successful in 12 steps are those who want insight into themselves and are willing to look in the mirror at what they want to change about themselves.

It may not be bad for someone with BPD, but unless that person is truly wanting to do the program, I don't know if it would work for them.

[WifeOfProbableBP]

... .I get frustrated because I am so often there for him when he upset but I feel like he thinks he's the only person in the world that deals with sadness and isn't as accommodating when I am going through tough things. I never share this with him of course because I know this is selfish on my end however it usually leaves me feeling slightly resentful after I talk to him about what he's going through and I don't know what to do with this.

From the book, "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - How to End the Drama and Get On with Life," by Margalis Fjelstad":

"To let go of the Caretaker role, you will have to give up the hope... .that the BP/NP will ever take care of you first."

 

"Whenever you start thinking that the BP/NP will act the way you would act or the way most people would act, you have lost sight of the reality of the BP/NP's mental illness."

That is a difficult concept to accept. I'm still trying to process it. But she writes about how you can't hope, expect, or assume a person with BPD will live up to the same expectations you would have of a nonBPD in a relationship. So, for instance, if you feel like you would like to be comforted when you are going through a rough time, & the BP doesn't seem to give you that, then you can accept it & look for comfort from someone else like a friend or family member.

[Grey Kitty]

There is an interesting thing about 12-step programs--they are a complete life saver for some people, and really work well for them.

And there are other people for whom they don't work, don't seem to help at all. And people who try them and then fail at them can be even worse off, feeling that they are beyond redemption or help.

Unfortunately, pwBPD are pretty vulnerable to exactly that.

I'm thinking that if he had parents who were alcoholic, ACOA might benefit him. Al-Anon too, either for his parents or if somebody else who is troubling him qualified him.

I'd probably not try to get him into CoDA or something similar unless he expressed interest, and be cautious even then--any hint that you see him as flawed and needing to be fixed is invalidating and trigger to a pwBPD.

If the program is clearly to help him cope with somebody else's problem, that is much safer for you to suggest, if that makes any sense... .(Yes, the program will eventually sneak around to focusing on him and his behavior, and how blaming everything he does on somebody else isn't good for him, but let him find his way there on his own!)