Do they hoard objects of our affections as momentos?

[AustenJ]

Do our exBPDs hoard objects/gifts/cards/notes/pics from us nons and all past lovers? Do they attach fond memories of us with those objects? Are we idealized for life in their relationship catacombs?

Or is it more akin to serial killers taking trophies from their victims?

I wrote many love poems, notes, cards, showered her with jewelry, she took any pics of us clothed and unclothed, we had objects as inside jokes, we had love post it notes, fun, silly gifts... .most of which she collected in a folder at her apartment... .that she always left out in the open when I was there, but she tucked away when other " friends" visited... .

When she discarded me I ended up giving her a bunch of our shared wall-hangings, artwork and other special things from my apartment... .as souvenirs of the relationship she was throwing away... .it was so much stuff that her apt. Looked like a shrine to us.

I'm curious if she is ever reminded of our relationship or of me when she looks at those things, or do they just become objects or trophies to them... .another notch in their bedpost? Of course, I attached much emotional meaning to the gifts we exchanged... .but I don't know if they are able to recall any of that meaning... .or are they simply reminders of their attachment to us as objects ourselves, ghosts of a fading past... .

Of course, I rifled through her desk at work and took all the cards and gifts she had there from me and burned them, plus any gifts I had from here got ejected off my balcony... .I got rid of every shred of her.

But I suspect she still has all of my trophies tucked neatly away somewhere out of sight of my replacement... .does she ever look at them? Read them? Or does she just let them collect dust with all the other momentos from her other lovers?

Before I realized I would be counted among her ghosts of failed relationships, she did share that a previous lover had a key to her place and snooped and found many of her trophies from past lovers and was incensed that she kept those. Hence, she had a key to my place, but I never got one to hers. She also shared tons of pics with me that she had with lovers all the way back to high school... .she even had pics of a college boyfriend who supposedly orchestrated a gang rape of her as a freshman in college... .never really knew where the truth began if it ever did... .

She also kept dried flowers from bouquets from special lovers too that she hung throughout her apt. I counted many of the wild flowers that I had left on her windshield among them... .my guess is that her mind is so dysfunctional on a daily, hourly basis and she's so busy coping with her emptiness, that she doesn't find much time to reflect on past relationships. We all become those wilted, dead flowers on her dashboard... .

[UnforgivenII]

My ex had all the gifts of previous lovers in his apartment. He never took away the name of one of them from the door bell.
Trophies. Useful to triangulate with the next victim.
Corpses. Corpses trophies.

[Gear Jammer]

The one I was with wasn't that way, the staff where I worked said my ex chucked everything that reminded her of me. She never had anything of her ex before me or I didn't think she had anything. She re-wrote forms I made at work, it was all reminders of me.

[JRT]

Mine did a disappearing act from out of the blue... .she blocked me from contact and I never spoke to her again... .she di, however, still have my engagement ring and I wanted it back... .I filed a small claims case to which she responded by using a favor from her company attorney (who later got fired for accepting to do the favor) to fight the case... .through the attorney she insisted that she had returned the ring , which she never had.

The attorney escalated the case by moving it out of small claims court and into regular court for trial. There were various discovery documents, motions and the usual related work load but she still did not relent. A week before the court date, she finally had her attorney call mine ( a buddy of mine) and offer to pay the claim even though I am 100% certain she retained the ring! All so that she could keep it as well as all of the other stuff that I had given to her.

Everything about that relationship is something that I have to pinch myself to see if it was something that I had dreamed up including the fight for the ring.  I am pretty convinced that they keep things as a tie in to relationships that they valued but HAD to leave.

[stimpy]

After I'd been dating my exgfpwBPD for about a month, she decided to show me her wedding photos from her marriage to her first husband of 25 years ago. These were wedding photos to a guy who she claimed beat her up and she hated, and who hated her.

At the time and to this day, I still don't know how I was supposed to respond to her showing me these photos.

Stuff of mine. Yep, she kept all the letters, poems, gifts - which I guess is kind of ok really, I don't want them back. But slightly strangely, she asked me to give her some photos of mine from important stages in my life, and she still has them. But I'm not going to ask for them back... .it'd just end up as another battle... .

[mjssmom]

I've wondered this myself.  I was discarded 2 months ago.  My exBPDbf was pushing me to move in with him at the time.  We were working on his house to prepare it for my kids and I so I had been buying things already that we needed.  So the things he's surrounded by in his house are practical but not necessarily sentimental.  But he was so excited every time I bought something for the house.

I'm all over his home to all the bedding and pillows on his bed he's now sleeping in with my replacement to the towels in the bathroom to the new porch light I surprised him with to the drywall he just finished putting up in the living room the week he discarded me.  I literally am a reminder in every nook and cranny in his home.  He can't just discard this stuff either even if he wanted to... .he can't afford to replace this stuff I contributed or just tear it down.  However in his online dating profile he put up a month before discarding me, which is very misleading btw, he talks about how he's remodeling his house and just finished dry walling the living room... .never mind that I paid for all the materials, equipment and the drywall and that until I came along, he couldn't afford to do it in the previous 5 years so it sat.  He wrote it like it was a source of pride to him.  As if he had forgotten it got done entirely because I had provided the means to do so.  Obviously he isn't going to mention while he was hunting potential new victims that he was doing it using the things his current gf was providing.  But sometimes I wonder if he thinks about what he did to me is wrong or if for a brief moment when he looks around the house, that he feels shame or regret or just realizes I'm missing. That I'm not there anymore is that makes sense.  Does he feel it?

So he's surrounded daily by me in some way and sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me.  I also wonder sometimes if my replacement knows when she's there one weekend a month that she's sleeping in the bedding I had just bought a month before and using the new pillows and towels I bought or if he simply lied to her if she asked about it as obviously there is a woman's touch in his house and if she has half a brain should be able to tell this stuff is pretty new and contributable to me.  She did after all know about me when she hooked up with him.  I have to wonder how much it bothers her since she's fully aware he had her for a month on the side knowing he was still sleeping with me in that same bed and apparently she also knew he was still pushing me to move in faster than we had planned. 

[gotbushels]

I'm not familiar with a pattern. It's been said that some pwBPDs find objects to attach to as a way of feeling their sense of self.

My ex didn't have a particular attachment to things from our relationship. Even things I expected her to keep like expensive gifts and highly sentimental things--she didn't have an interest in. Practical things--yes. I'm also guilty of that though. 

Sometimes people keep things as souvenirs from an experience. I don't think that's necessarily a pwBPD thing. I actually kept one from my relationship for a while, but after a year or two I decided to let it go. 

[enlighten me]

What might be helpful is to rather than think its a creepy BPD serial killer trophy thing is to think of anything you might have kept from past relationships. Ive got a teddy bear from a girl I dated briefly twenty years ago. Ive a picture my exgf got me. A wooden statue from my ex wife. These aren't trophies they are just things that I liked and kept.

Some "nons" keep things, some don't. Its all down to the individual.

[Ragnar1982]

I can only speak from my experience, but she just recently printed out a poem I wrote for her, framed it, and put it in her desk. She sent me a picture of it. Also told me she still sleeps in my clothes. I don't think this is BPD related, though. I think a lot of people do this type of thing and hold onto people from their past through gifts, etc.

[cubicinch]

my ex has held on to my dogs coat... yes I know, but it is a mountaineering dog coat that cost quite a lot and as I've told her I can no longer find. I left it at hers last time I stayed and have text twice to ask her to post it to me. Twice she said she would and even the second time said it would end contact between us...    but still I'm waiting and I'm not giving in, I wont ask again.

It feels exactly like it's either being kept as a trophy, a final symbol of her victorious control over me, or witholding knowing that I'll keep the communication open, or even that I'll turn up at the door using it as an excuse to come back. I wont. SHe had  4 dogs of her own, so forgetting is no excuse, they all wear coats.

She would be nasty over silly things like texting as well for instance: you never texted me back straight away, so I', not rushing to reply to you... .why would anyone be like that to a guy they are supposed to love and be in a relationship with?

[Mutt]

Hi complicated,

I'm curious if she is ever reminded of our relationship or of me when she looks at those things, or do they just become objects or trophies to them... .another notch in their bedpost?

That's an interesting question, I think that a pwBPD are just like you and I and everyone else on this board, we're all different people, with different personalities, different quirks, different interests etc... The difference is that a pwBPD have certain neural pathways that are dysfunctional, the pathways could of been developed that way because of genetics, environment, trauma but the disorder doesn't define the person, BPD isn't an adjective, everyone that suffers from the disorder is a different person with different personality traits, likes / dislikes etc...

That being said, I think that the bigger question is did I mean something to her if she looks at things that you wrote to her or gifted after the break-up.

[cubicinch]

Psychopaths keep trophies; even if it is mental rather than a physical item, like Ian Brady not telling where his victim is buried, supporting his ego... he can carry that to the grave, and psychologically torture the relatives of his victim for the rest of their life, and do it from behind bars.

Psychopaths don't have to be child killing murderers, but normal everyday people, or we would think... .it seems perfectly plausible to me that at psychopath/narcissist or BPD would keep items to remind them, or use them as a bargaining tool. But is it because they loved you or had feelings for you? Maybe, maybe they like to dwell on how deprived of love they are? But do they ever have the capacity to love in the first place? Would we ever know?  I would say with my ex, she didn't really love anyone, not even her own closest relatives. I think as a child, the capacity to love was removed from her by her dysfunctionally married/divorced parents. Walls build up as they mature, love is shut out. They can begin to convince themselves that they will never love or are unlovable. It is a massive barrier built over a lifetime. Thinking about it that way, it seems impossible for even the nicest of person to break it down, because they will protect their innermost frailties.

[Dutched]

As said by others, not every person is the same

You deleted, got rid of every shred of her.
I didn’t got rid of some (expensive) gifts I like; it reminds me yes. But it is mine, I like it, that is my ‘emotion’ with it.
I still have something form a girlfriend when I was a teenager. A souvenir as a distant memory, part of my life.
Kids in my case are involved too, so it is part of their past, roots.
One day they themselves can decide, I am just a storage box till then.

About love letters, poems, etc. I don’t think it is strange to tuck them away when visitors arrive.
Normally spoken, is it any business of your friends to see, read the little, intimate things you wrote her / or each other?
Ex was IMO just more discrete in her way than you.
Are your banks statements just lying around too for everyone, inviting to read?

You got rid of everything, I didn’t.
Seems you don’t want to be reminded, wants that part out of you.
I didn’t, it was plain reality for 30+ yrs. of my life.

Indeed now and then this question pops up, stories that the pwBPD hold on to objects.
Seems to me however the difference between 2 exes are shown.
One that keeps items, photos, etc., one who want to get rid of all, doesn't want any reminder.

Maybe also, as many exes described on the board, the ex had more (relative short term) relationships, so ‘a lot’ exes from which they want to hold onto items. 
Memories as part of their life? Like me?

Seems that pwBPD indeed hold onto objects in order to have reason/excuse for contact.
But people also have a reason to be in control / revengeful as they refuse to give items back or even exchange
 
Oh yeah, exw took gifts I gave with her, she was very quick to secure them.
Also experienced that exw in her divorce didn’t claim her ‘most precious’ objects from being a toddler up to her late teenage.
Nothing at all despite she was very attached to it. What does it make her?

Sorry although there are maybe some tendencies, I don’t see a BPD thing, just a person who is more attached to something than others.

[vortex of confusion]

I agree with those that say it is an individual thing rather than a BPD thing. I still have a few pictures of exes from when I was in high school and college. It was too much trouble to get rid of everything. Besides, those break ups weren't that horrible or traumatic. I didn't mind an occasional reminder because it wasn't loaded with all kinds of negative/crazy emotions the way things are with ex. I didn't go out of my way to keep anything and I didn't go out of my way to discard anything.

However, ex had a box where he kept old love letters, pictures, and even a pair of panties from his girlfriend before me. After we had been married a couple of years, I got a little bit upset that he was still holding onto a friggin' pair of panties that had belonged to his ex. I was fine with the pictures and some other miscellaneous stuff. Her underwear? He thought I was being ridiculous for being bothered by that. If he was married to ME why did he need a pair of HER underwear. I still shudder when I think about that. He did finally get rid of her panties but only after I got a little bit upset about the fact that he STILL had them after we had been married for a while. I didn't say anything about the practical stuff (dishes, miscellaneous stuff like that) because I could see the practicality of keeping it.

With him, there have been things that I have deliberately gotten rid of just because. After I kicked him out, I got rid of all of the bedding and bought all new bedding because I didn't want to be reminded of him when I went to sleep at night since that had been our marital bed for so many years.

[English Sid]

My estranged wife came back for a few days 14 months ago promising to discuss divorce issues, I let her in to my apartment.
A few days after she left, I noticed my wedding ring which I had taken off and put in a drawer had disappeared along with certain items of my clothing.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Hey complicated,
Like you, I also threw away, gave away, destroyed, shredded all of the momentos from the relationship with my exBPD. I have kept things from other relationships, but this relationship and the breakup were so painful to me that I didn't want to keep anything. All pictures of us gone too.

I also wondered if he had kept anything from us and I found out he did save pics and a gift I handmade him. He actually took a picture of it and he still to this day (even though he has been in a new relationship for almost 2 years) has the pic of my gift to his as his profile pic on his Instagram account. Strange.

I think we mattered to them and they still think of us. It's probably not in a healthy way, because many equate longing with love and the momentos may serve to keep the longing alive.

My ex has attempted contact with me about a half dozen times over the almost 2 years. I just stay NC. So much better this way for me to continue to heal and move on.

[HighDingyDoo7]

It's so interesting to read about the similarities that pop up in these relationships.

Like most of the people who replied here, I also kept a lot of stuff at my ex's place. DVDs and VHS tapes, some clothing, books, music CDs, jewelry, and of course the engagement ring (which was a family heirloom). My mother had kindly given her some nice furniture and other things for the apartment.

Just before the dramatic breakup, the ex kept pressuring me to move in with her immediately. I am so glad that I never caved in to her demands.

After I left and went NC, she called a few times and basically used these items as inanimate hostages or bargaining trophies.

She wanted me to come back to the apartment, and felt that holding onto my things would force that.

I had to be strong and realize that my sanity was more important than any item I owned.

I think she was shocked when I said "Just keep it. I don't even care."

She told me that she would be dumping everything on my lawn within the next week or so, but that never happened.

I recently came across a photo of her online (posted by another acquaintance) in which she is wearing a dress, necklace, and set of earrings that I had given to her after a trip to South America.

Weird.

Oh, well... .I'm happily engaged to someone else now.

I just find this all so fascinating!

[joeramabeme]

Good post Complicated and good responses.  Everyone is unique and the act of holding possessions is not uniquely BPD.

I read your question as, do some pwBPD hold onto possessions of old relationships as a safe way to remember their feelings? I would bet yes. 

The probable difference between you and your ex holding onto possessions, would be that you could have your feelings of loss and a sense of relative safety all at the same time while that would be unlikely for your ex.

[hopealways]

Mine threw away a painting that I had drawn for her during one of our many breakups, not because she was mad at me but because it made her sad.

[Confused108]

Do our exBPDs hoard objects/gifts/cards/notes/pics from us nons and all past lovers? Do they attach fond memories of us with those objects? Are we idealized for life in their relationship catacombs?

Or is it more akin to serial killers taking trophies from their victims.

It's funny you say this. I at the end of my discard and my ex sent me a message about us just being friends and I better be clear etc I had mentioned exactly what you just said about serial killers and saving trophies from their victims. My ex held on to everything. Pictures of all her exs. Letters, poems, etc. it was sick! I told her I feel that she saved everything from every past encounter she has ever had like a serial killer does with his victims. I felt it was some sort of sick thropy room thing for her. I had asked her to send me back 2 stuffed animals I had sent her and when I first asked her she never answered me. Then I let a few weeks go and contacted her on FB. I had asked again for the things I sent her and she told me she gave them to the homeless place down the street from her. She then told me she would compensate me for them and write a check( which I never saw). So I was so pissed and said yeah you can send me x amount of $$$ . After this 2 days later she blocked me on FB.

[cubicinch]

mine has still kept my dogs coat... .calls herself an animal lover? It's been cold and wet, so my dog has suffered as a result. She has 3 dogs of her own so you'd think she would be kind enough to return it by post as we live 2hrs apart. I think she has kept it either through meanness, or as a trophy reminder, or possibly even as control over me so I'll send more texts, getting response out of me, even if she doesn't want me, she still wants control. Thats what her dad advised me about her previous ex.

I'm not chasing it any more, last text was about 3 weeks ago. I've found an online supplier, last place in the UK that stocks them, and it's cost me £40 but I wont give her the satisfaction... she has won ultimately, but I wont carry on.