Exhausted and losing all hope

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,
I have read these boards for a very long time and have read enough information in BPD to write a thesis and whilst I seem to know and understand all the tools that can support and help, my tool box is locked! I feel like I cannot have any control, any control or boundary that i try to put in place causes much distress from my pwuBPD. The roller coaster seems endless and however much I try to leave, I can't and I know I have co-dependant issues and just want to 'fix' my partner.
My partner fits the criteria for high functioning BPD, they hold a very respectful job at a high level, her staff think that they are the best boss ever, they are funny, generous and kind, from the outside it looks like she is the best partner, generous, loving and supportive but it isn't the whole picture, I see a very different side but she does not accept that her behaviour is anything other than a reaction to mine.
She is very controlling, this has been ongoing for years, she tells me it is because she loves me so much and can explain all her efforts to control As being justified and listening to her, I agree but once I am away from her, I can see it is so controlling but she has this was of manipulating every situation when I am with her, I feel like I am under a spell! One minute I am on a pedestal being told I am the love of her life, that she can't live without me, then I am being accused of upsetting her and being given silent treatment or a rage because I didn't meet an unrealistic expectation of hers. She can be hyper vigilant and the slightest hint of a tone in my voice (her interpretation, I am unaware) will cause her to get cross, I cannot reason with her she will not see my perspective. I can say something quite innocent and she can turn it into a major slight against her,  I try to reason and offer apologies (although I have done nothing wrong) but she will not accept them, I am always in the wrong. She has this ability to corner an argument into a no win situation for me, if I agree I am in the wrong, if I disagree I am wrong and the circle repeats and repeats for hours.
I could write pages and pages, I feel so powerless and often quite scared, I know she would not hurt me, I know she loves me and I love her,  but I am not sure it is enough. I am walking on eggshells 24/7, I have completely lost myself and feel like I have been groomed/conditioned to respond in an enabling way, to keep the peace.
When I step away for a few hours, I can see the relationship as being unhealthy on so many levels, but when I am with her, I desperately do all I can to calm and soothe.
I am a professional too, I have no idea who I am anymore.

[Hollyhock]

Hello,
I have read these boards for a very long time and have read enough information in BPD to write a thesis and whilst I seem to know and understand all the tools that can support and help, my tool box is locked! I feel like I cannot have any control, any control or boundary that i try to put in place causes much distress from my pwuBPD. The roller coaster seems endless and however much I try to leave, I can't and I know I have co-dependant issues and just want to 'fix' my partner.
My partner fits the criteria for high functioning BPD, they hold a very respectful job at a high level, her staff think that they are the best boss ever, they are funny, generous and kind, from the outside it looks like she is the best partner, generous, loving and supportive but it isn't the whole picture, I see a very different side but she does not accept that her behaviour is anything other than a reaction to mine.
She is very controlling, this has been ongoing for years, she tells me it is because she loves me so much and can explain all her efforts to control As being justified and listening to her, I agree but once I am away from her, I can see it is so controlling but she has this was of manipulating every situation when I am with her, I feel like I am under a spell! One minute I am on a pedestal being told I am the love of her life, that she can't live without me, then I am being accused of upsetting her and being given silent treatment or a rage because I didn't meet an unrealistic expectation of hers. She can be hyper vigilant and the slightest hint of a tone in my voice (her interpretation, I am unaware) will cause her to get cross, I cannot reason with her she will not see my perspective. I can say something quite innocent and she can turn it into a major slight against her,  I try to reason and offer apologies (although I have done nothing wrong) but she will not accept them, I am always in the wrong. She has this ability to corner an argument into a no win situation for me, if I agree I am in the wrong, if I disagree I am wrong and the circle repeats and repeats for hours.
I could write pages and pages, I feel so powerless and often quite scared, I know she would not hurt me, I know she loves me and I love her,  but I am not sure it is enough. I am walking on eggshells 24/7, I have completely lost myself and feel like I have been groomed/conditioned to respond in an enabling way, to keep the peace.
When I step away for a few hours, I can see the relationship as being unhealthy on so many levels, but when I am with her, I desperately do all I can to calm and soothe.
I am a professional too, I have no idea who I am anymore.

[formflier]

I am a professional too, I have no idea who I am anymore.

This struck a chord with me. 

Titles that were true with me... .yet I was "lost" at home, because I allowed myself to be blown about by the whims of a pwBPD.  Naval Officer, Naval Aviator, Commanding Officer, farm owner, successful house flipper.  In civilian (retired military) life... .I have been chief executive of several local government units.

Yet... at home... .I was in charge of nothing... .not even myself.

 

Tough place to be.

You mentioned boundaries.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Please read the link above and let me know if you understand why "BEING CONSISTENT" is so important when it comes to boundaries.

My impression after reading your post is that it seems you have tried boundaries but they didn't work out the way you thought they should. 

Can you give the last example or two of when you tried.  He said/she said with any other explanation that is needed.  We can guide you from there on how to make it better.

My hope for you is that we can get you a success or two with a boundary.  That should give you hope... .and show you that you still have power to change the relationship.  Regardless of what you pwBPD wants.

How does that sound? 

Looking forward to hearing your story.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

When I step away for a few hours, I can see the relationship as being unhealthy on so many levels, but when I am with her, I desperately do all I can to calm and soothe.

Welcome!  I like your quote above because it's a terse summary of the quandary one faces in a BPD r/s.  It's akin to an addiction in the sense that we recognize it's unhealthy, but still want to participate or at least have no strength to leave.  Why do you stay?  Presumably you get something out of it.  Plus, there is probably something about your childhood or FOO that makes you vulnerable to what is frequently an abusive situation.  Does this sound applicable to you?

I suggest that you return the focus on you.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?

LuckyJim

[Justnotgood]

What you have written has really struck a cord with me; as do so many things written on these boards.

I came into my relationship a confident and positive person with a close family and plenty of friends. Although I still have a successful career and sporting hobbies, in which I am very confident. As soon as I cross the threshold I become a kitten, rolling over and ready to be controlled. Fearful that at any point something innocent that I say or do may break the peace and cause me to be stonewalled for days, even weeks.

I love my partner, but more recently I have begun to realise that this is not enough because her idea of love is not an equal, supportive and sharing love, her idea of love is that unless I am spending every hour a day showing her that she is important, making her feel secure, then I am the devil.

I feel for you, it is so difficult and so demoralising. I tell myself ''next time she flips out again, I am leaving and never coming back'' but EVERYTIME I grovel and beg to be allowed to be her doormat again and I see that every time her power over me increases.

You write that everyone else thinks she is amazing ''a great boss'' I think this is very common.
I often think of an expression that my mother used to say to my brothers and I when we were young. She called us ''street angels and house devils'' This is how I would describe by partner and is sounds like yours  too. Has everyone around them convinced that they are amazing and this only further reinforces control over you. Because you think, ''this must be my issue'' and you don't want to lose someone that is so amazing.

Mostly, I feel that I am in love with what I want the relationship to be and how it was at the beginning. Do you feel the same? Are you trying to find the strength to leave?

[Hollyhock]

Thank you so much for your replies, it is comforting to know that people actually understand the rollercoaster of being in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

My partner is quite complex (as they all are!) she was sexually abused as a child and this abusive relationship carried on for over 25 years, it was me who recognised what the family member was doing and the extent of the abuse. This person is now completely out of her life, she will not recognise or accept that this has had an impact on her, she has 'boxed' it away and only briefly accepted counselling although I suspect she did not address any issues and only appeared to tell her therapist about my behaviour.
She has alcohol dependency but absolutely denies she has and is very defensive about her drinking, she generally hides her drinking and has a very high tolerance level, but that is from decades of drinking 1 - 2 bottles of wine a night. I can see her behaviour change and her major outbursts are alcohol fuelled but some are when she is sober, I do know that with drinking she will fall asleep early and that gives me respite.
She has significant control issues and likes to always be in control, many of her issues are subtle and can be confusing. For example, she wants to do all the cooking (great most people say!) and cleaning, she becomes almost trance like when doing this, she will always cook for my children first as she prefers them to eat first and then cooks us a separate meal, this is "our time" she wants me completely to herself, she is very controlling over the children's bedtime and I feel I do no have a say really, thankfully my son loves his sleep!
She absolutely Adores my son and wants to do all the school pick ups and almost has a best friend relationship with him, she has in effect replaced me, he adores her (in the early days I encouraged the relationship as I wanted them to like each other) he seeks her out for comfort, seeks her out for everything, even asks her if he can have a snack, he endlessly tells her  loves her and wants to know where she is all the time, I do not think this is healthy but at a loss as their attachement to each other is so strong, and I know I have allowed this. Her relationship with my teenage daughter is more fraught, she is a challenging teenager who likes to be right, my partner constantly criticises her to me, and I am often in a position of defending her and when I do, she tells me what to do and takes offense if I do not follow exactly as she wants, I feel very much in the middle of both of them.

The main focus for our recent issues is that she wants to move in permanently, she lives at my house twenty four seven, but she rents her own flat. The house is mine and I have significant savings. She has a well paid job but no savings and has in the past abused my financial position but this is completely off grounds to ever discuss again, she says it was a blip and I am not to keep bringing it up, which I only did when I discovered what she had done.
I am really worried about her moving in permanently as the only control I feel I have is that this is mine and my children's home, I worry that once she has officially moved in, she will become even more controlling over my daughter and Whilst ATM she just about tolerates the usual teenage mess, she is very OCD and I know it will become a huge issue.
I feel absolutely unable to express my fears or say what I want, and feel scared and vulnerable and can't face the fall out of saying what I want.

[Azrimic]

What you say sounds so, so familiar to me.  90% of mine and my ex's arguments were over my teenage children (more specifically my daughter, as she seemed to like/tolerate my son more).  

Put your foot down and continue to live separately - it only gets worse once someone knows there is nowhere for you to kick them out to.

If you have even a shadow of a doubt about someone in regards to your children, kick them to the curb.  

[SamwizeGamgee]

I was caught by your title of being exhausted.  I realized that I am by nature a caretaker and had grow up to altruistically serve others, putting myself last on the list.  That sounds good, until I combine with a wife that does not give back - at least in ways that I feel recharged.  So, I had become a continuously draining battery, and responsible for my own re-charge and mental health.  I think on a logical level that I do benefit from marriage, but, I can't reach any feelings that support this. 

Learning about BPD and how to manage life around it does not help you charge, and does not prevent exhaustion. To the contrary, I now exert more effort into validation (non-invalidation at least), non-emotional responses, restating, walking the high-road, and so forth.  It is all exhausting work, and I"m not afforded the human weakness or a "bad hair day" so to speak.

I don't have a solution, but I understand your feelings of exhaustion.  I do suggest you take self-care very seriously.  I felt better and better as I cut out my wife's "needs" from my mind-set and did things for me. I do distance running, time with my kids, hobbies, and contact friends as a source for energy. 

As for hope, the author Brene Brown has a good book "The Gifts of Imperfection" which might give you suggestions about accepting yourself, feeling "good enough," and giving you hope.  She points out though, that hope comes from power.  I'm interpreting it like this: Hope to change comes with power to change.  You can only truly change yourself, you have power only over yourself, so only hope for yourself.

[AllNightLong]

I really feel for you and recognize almost everything you are describing.
I haven't been successfull to keep any boundries and she runs me over like a train in every discussion. Nothing i do or say is good enough and i need to think over every word to the extreme but even that doesn't help and she Will rage for hours.

IF i don't apologize enough or fast enough she Will be physical until i do.

Just like you i feel totally drained from energy and i get none from her what so ever but she wants us to spend every minute together.
This has finally to the insight i HAVE to leave her.
But i don't have the energy or courage to do so yet.

And just like you i always been a fun, happy and loving guy that she now broken down completly.

So i feel you a 110%! You are not alone!

Take care, remember you deserve to be happy!

[allienoah]

It's so very comforting to hear all of your stories and know I am not going insane. To all of you, my sincere wish that we all find the strength to regain our sense of self and find happiness whether we stay or leave the loved one. My bfwBPD also wants me with him 24/7. He talks of being "hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder". I used to find it very endearing as my ex-husband and I didn't have that. Well now it is a prison I live in because any mention of me spending even a night alone in MY home triggers him into "why can't we be together-I want to be with you" and so on. He doesn't like my adult 24 and 21 year old children because they have seen his outbursts and don't like him AT ALL. He says they shouldn't be welcome in my home if he isn't welcome when they are there. It's very stressful. During the good old days () we spoke of moving in but now I am scared to death of that. And I am NOT throwing my kids out to accommodate his wishes. It is extremely exhausting to be on the constant lookout for triggers, validating him, trying to be myself, and staying true to my kids-I actually hide from him how close we are as he will only start verbally going at me. He calls me a doormat for even doing anything for my kids-and believe me I don't always go above and beyond-but if I do ANYTHING it is an issue.