No contact with N/BPD mother

[Hope17]

UnBPDm is at it again-spiraling out of control for months and increasing the use of flying monkeys-enlisted my husband this time. To back track I realized mother was BPD a few years ago and finally felt relief and peace that I was not the crazy one as she lead me to feel/believe. I have been very low contact the since the realization. Fast forward to last Fall and a family wedding in another province-12 hr drive away. Dear husband says we have to offer to drive my parents as we can't have people their age-mid 70's - driving all that way alone. Hello anxiety-everyone fibre of my being so screamed NO! I tried to go Grey rock which worked for awhile- she started as soon as we buckled our seat belts screaming at myour enDad. She picked at him and blamed him for everything possible on the excruciating trip. Where did you put this? You forgot the camera? Took 20 mins. To get out of the driveway until she was settled in and enDad had answered all her questions. She is near deaf so there was no discussions going good on and she was placed with enDad in the backseat. My husband and I could not talk as she would keep yelling at enDad what did she say? I had to lecture them at the first rest stop for lunch b/c she was arguing with enDad about which gas station we needed to fuel up at. We finally arrived after dark and her muttering that we were lost. She has to be in control at all times so the drive was unbearable to her. She started yelling at my husband about where to park and it was so bad that we let them take our room and we wandered off to find their room which was in another part of the Inn. We just wanted to escape. She was ranting at enDad when we dumped all their luggage in their room. The only good part of the trip from Hell was that DH finally got a very real picture of what I have enough been talking about for years- he never fully understood the crazy I had been dealing with and would use "she's your mother" line all the time.  Next morning -wedding day -started with NBPD mom making a scene at  breakfast yelling at enDad ( for not hanging up his coat)and mortifying the bride. NBPD dragged enDad off to hide it  their room all day- so she could throw that in her sister's face the next day when she whined about how SHE had been so mistreated and ignored. She had her outfit all picked out including a hat (feather etc) which would insure she would be noticed. I helped my cousin and aunt (NBPD mom's sister) with wedding prep-another bone of contention for NBPD mom when she voiced all the ways she was wronged during the weekend to her sister the next day.  The actual wedding went off without her making a scene. She sure shot some  disgusted and superior looks at enDad-maybe he used the wrong cutlery once!  ( Only one guest noticed that). She demanded to be driven in our car 100 metres from our building to the main  Inn for the ceremony-which my husband obliged. I basically ignored her the whole evening. She woke up my aunt to & uncle yelling at my enDad at 5 am the next day. She cornered my aunt at breakfast in front of everyone to tell her her feelings and thoughts about how SHE had been ignored and mistreated the day before- all those expectations of hers are hard to live up to. My aunt was in tears- just the way NBPD mom likes it.  Another family occasion ruined by that witch. The drive home was miserable and she completely lost control at me when  I said no to a request. She ranted at me. DH was so appalled he could not believe it and all I could do was look at him and say welcome to my world.  The tension was palpable all weekend and got so much worse. When we finally got to our house, she threw the mother of all tantrums- screaming at enDad in our driveway and throwing stuff into their vehicle. I turned and WALKED AWAY for the first time- I broke contact - I chose not to listen to her any more. She usually would hang up on me whenever I did not agree with her-she could go from months not talking to me and stalking me on Facebook and then sending me an email talking like nothing ever happened.  She yelled at me saying how I couldn't even give her a hug. My DH saw them off and she hugged him and said their daughter had better change her behaviour towards her parents as they wouldn't be around. She likes to play the death card all the time. DH  finally validated my experiences by saying he completely understood if I never spoke to her again. I didn't talk to her again for a month and then she emails to tell me my brother was in hospital "if I was interested" AND she had shingles. Thanked her. Had no intention of visiting over xmas and communicated we had spent our xmas money on  the trip so no gifts. She agreed ( she later had gifts delivered to us by a third party!). Then I did not follow through on my communication that I would call xmas day-how Dare I not call when I said I would- I dread listening to her voice and was not ready to talk to her at all. I got an email Dec 26 full of sarcasm and absolute hatred b/c I did not call that day. She hoped that my daughter treats me the same way I have treated her from past 10 years and to have a nice life!  She signed it "your biological mother". I have not talked or emailed her since. I could never imagine saying such things to my daughter. So she attacked what I hold dear, my child. I was so upset but really I guess she did me a favor by writing  that- it solidified my decision to go no contact. She is scrambling now- had my enDad call to try to work things other with her b/c she is getting worse (suicide talk) and even called DH at work -she thought me and DH were having problems and that is why I wasn't talking to her.  It couldn't possibly be anything she did . I know I have rambled on but needed to get this out as I am feeling some guilt especially when  I think of the no contact and what it means in future life. She also has upset my daughter and I did have to call and tell her to back off from her- I had to defend my daughter. She starred telling me it wasn't a good time to talk and what she had to say to me
( probably everything I have done to hurt her) would take a long time. I said I would not be talking to her at any other time and I just need to tell her to back off. Then enDad called to mend fences. Just looking from some support in maintaining no contact.

[peacebthejourney]

Hi Hope17,

I can tell you're feeling a ton of emotions right now, I'm glad you wrote a post. Spending time with BPD relative who isn't seeking help and change can be extremely stressful and crazy making.

Consider yourself supported. No contact can be a necessary and productive solution with someone who isn't getting help for their disorder. Someone being your parent does not mean you are never able to have personal limits on what behavior you will accept or participate and what behavior you will not condone or ignore or put up with or dance around. BPD persons are not good at maintaining healthy relationships. Your mother's way seeing things is warped by her mental condition. It is sad but you have no control over it and no responsibility to fix it. Your mother can get help from professionals or she can ignore her issues. You get to choose whether you can spend time with her the way she behaves.

The "Who Should post on this boadrd article on the right hand bar includes this as the 2nd out of 3 Purposes for this board:

"2. to emotionally detach from conflict and find peace by either:

remaining in emotional and physical contact with  the “BPD” and using  relationship management tools,


therapeutically breaking away (temporarily or permanently) with the intent to heal."


Now is the time for you to take care of yourself and focus on healing.  You can figure out later whether the no contact is temporary or permanent.  Either way, you've made a good beginning. You're accepting how things have been, you're admitting your anger, you're taking an action to respect your needs and your limits.

Hang in there. You'll feel better as you keep working through your memories and feelings. The Suvivors' Guide to the right may be very helpful as you seek healing. Detachment will come as you give yourself time and self-understanding.

Best wishes,
Peace be the journey

[madeline7]

I recently went NC with an older uBPD Mom. I may choose to go LC but we will have to see how this goes. I could relate to so much of your post. Glad you came here for support. We understand what you are going through. My situation is made worse since my siblings continue to enable and now I am painted black by the entire FOO, and  feel very alone. My siblings do understand that it is my Mom that has the mental instability but that is the fall out from a dysfunctional system headed up by a very Narcissistic Mother. I sometimes feel the guilt creeping up that I have gone NC with a Mom who is older and widowed, and then I see my counselor or read this board, or remember the emotional abuse or read the suicide notes she wrote to my Dad. And then I realize I am choosing my sanity and health. I am finally accepting the sad truth that I don't have a Mom who is able to think of others, and by continuing this drama, it would not help or change her, but it would continue to hurt me. So I still have pain from the NC, but it is the lesser of the 2 evils for me. I wish you peace.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Hope17:  

I'm so sorry about your mom's behavior.  I can understand how angry and frustrated you are. I'm glad that your husband has gained a better understanding from his first-hand experience.  It helps to have him fully understand and validate your experiences.

I know I have rambled on but needed to get this out as I am feeling some guilt especially when  I think of the no contact and what it means in future life.  Just looking from some support in maintaining no contact.

 
It helps to vent and writing things out is a good method.  The article on FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) could be good for you to read right now. The Survivor's Guide in the right margin is, also, a good process to step through.  Working through the hurt of having a BPD parent can be similar to a grief process of losing someone to death.

As peacebthejourney indicates, you can always switch back and forth between no contact and limited contact.  While you are in a no contact situation, it can be a good time to work through the communication lessons.  The links within the "tools" menu, inside the wide green band at the top of this page, can be a good place to start.  The communication tools are good skills to use with all people in you life (family, friends, co-workers, etc.).  It won't be wasting time to learn them.

If you end up in some limited contact situations with your mom, the skills can help. The lesson on "Not Invalidating" can be helpful.  If you aren't able to validate a BPD's feelings, it can be important to NOT invalidate them.  

Are there some boundaries you have set or want to set to support NC with your mom?  Perhaps some Facebook restrictions.  If she calls your husband again, will you husband handle her calls in a certain way?

[EnoughAbuse20]

I'm sorry you're dealing with all those emotions. I do understand, it's hard the first time you break contact, it took me years of stress, ripping out my hair, tears, even A trial for BPDm pressing 18 felony charges on me, that & her putting pine sol in our supper were the deal breakers, she was literally relentless for 6 months, cops at my door everyday, her following me in her car on my walks, it was he**. You have to protect your health and marriage, if shes not getting help, then no contacts a necessity. Good luck