Sharing My Traumatic Story, Really Need Input and Positivity.

[tyr616]

I had about, as you can imagine one of the worse BPD relationship experiences. I wanted to share my story briefly and ask for some advice and encouragement.

I met my ex about 2 years and some change ago. We dated for 2 years, and as expected - it was off and on. She would constantly overreact and cause breakups. It would often be me calling her out for violating a boundary, then her becoming defensive and raging. At the time I didn't know what BPD was, but I figured it out about half way through the relationship through my own research.

When we would fight over certain issues, she would rage. It would lead to violence and destruction of my property. What was most maddening, is she would lash out at me saying some of the most atrocious things possible, get violent, or break my things - then when I would demand that she leaves as any normal person would, she would refuse to leave causing things to escalate. She would even rage about things so innocuous it was extreme. Once a friend made a facebook comment on a photo of us that was a tongue in cheek joke because she messaged him "trying to get her shoes from my house" as an emergency when she was going coo-coo. So he just joked and said, are those the shoes? It ended up with her leaving me and my dog in a hotel and threatening to leave us there 500 miles away from where I lived with no car. She eventually came back 2 hours later. But you get my gist of how she does things.

Several times I had to call the police because she was so out of control. Either that was her being violent and threatening, damaging my property or threatening suicide in my house. This started happening almost every couple of months.

It finally ended in December when she went off the rails again. Blowing up at me every 2-3 days over a different issue. Could be me not paying for dinner because I forgot my debit card at home, me saying I almost went on a trip with a girl years ago when we weren't together but never did. Just anything. I got fed up about it and didn't talk to her for a few days. I had to have some space. She ended up saying she saw through my window I was cheating on her with a girl (I wasn't home so yea not possible). Escalated to more manipulative texts.

I ignored her. She came into my house a few days later started breaking ___, threatening suicide, endangering my dog by her carelessness, vandalizing my house, tons of crap.

I had to call the cops again. She was arrested and went to jail for 2 months. She got out of Jail in February and is in pyschiatric care at the moment.

We haven't talked since then because of court orders. It's been about 3 months since that last time.

She recently posted on FB that she is moving to another state to finish her court-ordered treatment. Which me and my friends both don't see how that is plausible or realistic in any way, and that rather it's probably just a manipulation so that if people ask her where she's been she has an answer, or to pretend life is good or something. She only has 1.5 months of treatment left, so I don't know why they would ship her to another state to do that when she broke the laws here and her family and everyone she knows are here.

I'm left with a lot of residual feelings. I hope she really is getting better, and at least now she is forced to get treatment -- so maybe it's possible. This time (at least 2 more months) of us being apart is good. I have a lot of things to fix in my life also. My job is not making me much money right now, work on some positive health things etc, that would all be good.

But I guess at the end of the day I really did/do love her. Despite her insanities, I miss her. I just wonder if she thinks about me at all. I also hope in some way, she gets treatment, then wants to amend things between us. But I just feel like if she changes in anyway positive especially that will just be another reason to forget me.

[vortex of confusion]

I don't have any words of wisdom.

I wanted to welcome you to the forums and offer you some virtual support. This stuff is really difficult.

Have you checked out any of the lessons that are available on this forum? Down the right side of each of the forums, there are lessons that can help you take stock of what has happened so that you can move forward better prepared.

At times, it seems like there are no words to help ease the pain. How could this person that you fell in love with be like this? There are more questions than answers, especially when things are still so raw.

Hang in there and keep posting! There are some really great and wonderful people here that are really good at asking questions and helping people sort stuff out. Or, they can give you virtual support when you are feeling lost and just need somebody else to say, "hey, me too. You are not alone."