Gets worse before it gets better -A neccesary way forward?

[ortac77]

I have gained a lot of valuable insight from these boards and the helpful articles and advice on this site.

It has certainly (not always consistently) assisted me in the tools of living with a pwBPD. For quite a while now I have been addressing my own behaviours and putting into practise the tools of Validating, avoiding circular arguments, learning to detach when things get heated and establishing boundaries. I don't always get it right but I am trying as hard as my humanity allows.

This has resulted quite often in a 'ramping up' of behaviours on the part of my SO - again I think I get it - if I change then there will be desperate attempts to act in a way to return things to the status quo.

This has now resulted in a situation that my SO has got me into trouble with my employer, it will be dealt with by my attending a disciplinary hearing - there will be no case to answer as I can prove its untrue but after a career of 30 odd years my initial reaction to this was devastating and I am quite bruised by the experience, although clear that I have nothing to answer for.

My initial internal reaction was extreme anger but I took that outside our relationship via therapy and understanding friends and my Union. I feel a lot better doing that as had I taken it out on my SO we would have returned to all the useless ways of dealing that this board has taught me just do not work. I am now calm and able to deal with my work situation - it has also finally allowed me to share with my employer just what I have been dealing with all these years such that I now feel more supported than I have for a long time.

On a positive note I feel I have moved to a new level of acceptance of the illness and the illness it can induce in me, moreover a realisation that managing the role of caretaker and a full time job would take a toll on anybody! Whilst I do believe I have a high level of resistance the 'acute stress reaction' this latest episode left me with was a sharp reminder of the toll BPD takes on the 'non' and the need to take even better care of myself. Me first has always been difficult for me and I have a lot more work to do.

On another positive note my SO has taken responsibility for what has happened, he does not know why he did it (I think knowing this illness I can probably accept that). He has booked himself in for DBT therapy and has agreed to consider residential therapy if this is suggested.

I have a degree of hope today, he may not persevere with the therapy and I have made it clear his choice, his responsibility because he must do it for himself, not for me. It may work - it may not but regardless of which I am now a lot clearer on my way forward - and it may be alone or together but today is not the day to take that decision

Ortac

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[Tattered Heart]

Sounds like a very difficult situation, but it also sounds like you are coming to terms with everything and working through it in a healthy way. Keep learning. Keep trying. Good job.

[ortac77]

Thanks TH

I must say after the positivity of yesterday I feel very uncomfortable today. It may be the effect of the anti-psychotics but my SO was very 'wired' this morning, not aggressive but hyper.

OK intellectually I get it, powerful drugs take a while to settle into his system but given what I am dealing with at the moment emotionally it is just too much to deal with, I actually don't know how I feel - numb I suppose alternating with anger and hopelessness.

I am also having some pretty disturbing dreams, all to do with a stress reaction I know but it doesn't always make it easier understanding what is happening and I am scared of sinking into depression. I guess this is kind of like PTSD, its if my mind is not only dealing with the here & now but replaying the past in an endless loop.

Ok i know I need to look after me, I am trying to do that but maybe I just need to 'recuse myself' for a while - I am looking at mindfulness retreats - feels like it might help to quiet my mind.

Part of me wants to rant this morning - the other just wants to give up.

This too will pass - but whilst here its hell!