Surrounded by BPD's

[TruthLover]

I am a senior citizen who has encountered extremely difficult people in just the last five years or so. I have been very active in major corporations, in the community, and in the church for all of my life. I’ve learned how to find at least some common ground with thousands of people and felt that I could work with or tolerate just about anybody. However, about 8 years ago my brother seemed to go off the deep end, and about 4 years ago a neighbor and his wife did the same thing. Their behavior had so much in common that I surmised that all three had a condition that had a name. My brother’s state continued to deteriorate over the years to the extent that my wife, my sister, and a psychotherapist feared for my safety, which was also felt to be true of our neighbor. The two men had over the top anger flare-ups. I tried for years to get help for my brother and finally ran across a wonderful support group at a nearby mental health facility. It was there that I discovered the three C’s, and that I needed to establish some boundaries to protect my family and myself. I was also recommended the books  “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Mason and Kreger, and “I AM NOT SICK, I Don’t Need Help” by Amador. I devoured these books and at long last found the answers I was looking for, which was an understanding of what afflicted these people and how I should respond. Of course, healing for the afflicted is what I really wanted, but I was happy to finally discover the truth.
   What I learned from these books is that the behaviors of these three people are more than 90% consistent with BPD. At last, I found a name for the affliction. Now, dealing with it is my most difficult challenge. Our two neighbors have turned into a very toxic influence for our tiny 15 home neighborhood. All the other neighbors have gone into a retreat that I now see as unhealthy. Even our local police captain has encouraged us to stand up and take action, because they can’t help until we help ourselves. The afflicted couple has committed crimes in the neighborhood such as a police documented case of disorderly conduct, but everyone is afraid to stand up to them or press charges for fear of retribution. They have already created major distress for five of our homeowners, and the slightest provocation will bring others into the crosshairs of their vicious and threatening harassments. They have also threatened lawsuits against us for years in addition to their irrational and unprovoked displays of anger.  This couple is now harassing me with vicious emails, disrupting our homeowner’s association meetings of which I am president, and enlisting a neighbor in another community whose property adjoins ours as a BPD clone and an accomplice in harassing us through emails, libelous letters, and through offensive signs, structures, and damage to our property.
   I learned a long time ago how to deal with bullies, and have actually turned a number of them into lasting friends. What I have grown to realize in the last few years, though, is that to be successful in dealing with bullies is that they have to have a least some degree of rationality that can be used to build the relationship. I had for years been at a total and distressful loss in dealing with these three who seemed to lack any semblance of rationality. However, I now see that dealing with BPD’s is essentially the same as dealing with garden variety bullies except to the intense degree to which I need to restrain my own emotions, the kind of empathy I must display, and the degree of patience I must show in the long, slow dance of damage control. The damage has been extensive thus far. My brother has split off his family from my two sisters and me in a way that cuts off all communication with nieces, nephews, and their families. My youngest sister and her husband took it especially hard because she felt charged by our Dad before he died to keep the family together; plus she had invested herself heavily in intervening in our brother’s stormy relationship with his wife. Though he’s only in his early sixties, he looks like an emaciated cadaver, as his hatred seems to be eating him alive. If this wasn’t enough, our community is under the physical and emotional threat of a man and wife who show no restraint in their emotions. Displays of over the top anger, hateful emails, and threatening letters from their lawyers are of constant concern for the remaining 14 families in this little community.
   I am not one to shy away from a battle, nor one to give up, but this war is wearing on me. I’m looking for any kind of insight that more experienced people can share that would redirect me or reassure me. Your help is much appreciated

[heartandwhole]

Hi TruthLover,



Your situation sounds very trying and upsetting, I'm sorry you are going through this.   I admire your courage to keep working with your family and neighbors, and reach out for support. You've found a great place for that. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. You can also learn tons of tools here, that will help the situation.

Am I correct in my understanding that you are no longer in contact with your brother?

Your neighbors' behavior sounds like harassment. Are you thinking of filing a formal complaint with the police?

It's great that you've reached out, because we can support you in making a plan to deal with the stressful situations you are experiencing.

Hang in there, and keep posting. It helps to share. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi TruthLover:     

I'd like to join HeartandWhole in welcoming you! Sounds like you have had a lot of experience with handling people.   I'm sorry that you are surrounded by people with BPD or BPD traits. 

My brother has split off his family from my two sisters and me in a way that cuts off all communication with nieces, nephews, and their families. My youngest sister and her husband took it especially hard because she felt charged by our Dad before he died to keep the family together; plus she had invested herself heavily in intervening in our brother’s stormy relationship with his wife.

Was there a particular event, that may have prompted your brother to split off from the family? Would you like to reconcile with your brother?  Is your brother still with his wife?

Being the president of your homeowner's association sounds like a frustrating job.  I used to live in a condo facility, with approx. 200 units.  I got a taste of homeowner's associations.  It can be a no-win situation for volunteer officers of the association.  Have you thought about stepping down from the position?  Unfortunately, even without BPD people in the mix, homeowner associations end up dealing with angry people and law suits (or at least threats of law suits).

Is the property damage to your personal property or a common area to the association?

Perhaps a couple of strategies could be helpful to you with both your neighbors and with your brother.  AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS is a good strategy to follow. THE KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE  workshop can help you learn about healthy triangles, versus unhealthy ones. Avoiding arguments and not reacting with emotions, can be a beneficial strategy on your part.

There is a large green band at the top of this page.  Within the band, is a "Tools" menu.  There are links to several other lessons within the menu.  The last item on the  list, "Member's Workshops", will take you to 3 pages of learning opportunities.  Perhaps it is something you might want to browse through.

[TruthLover]

Thanks for the warm welcomes, heartandwhole and Naughty Nibbler!

Thanks also for the support!

In answers to your questions:

I remain in contact with my brother, as the rest of the family does, but only through our family meetings, mediated by our lawyer, that are the main vehicle for settling our parent's estate. All of us, except for my brother, want reconciliation. He has told me on a number of occasions that he's very happy to be split off from the family, although I don't see that in his anger level nor his physical health. He has grown alarmingly thin, cadaverous looking, and even more angry, extending his tantrums to those outside the family now. He goes into a rage if I even say hi to him. He went into a rage at me simply by showing up in front of him at my mother's funeral last July. I have never given up on him and have forgiven him, although on a number of occasions he has told me that he "never forgives anybody unless he can fix them". I am no longer angry with him and my neighbors. I have learned how powerful forgiveness is, and how much damage lack thereof can effect. Our neighbors refuse to forgive as well.
     We have been in regular contact with the police for a few years now, not only in regards to our neighbors, but also my brother. I have set up a crisis intervention process with my family's local police so that my family now knows how to report him and help him should he again physically threaten anyone. Our local police, different than my family's who all reside in a different state, want us to take a stand, as Randi Kreger also advises, against this kind of behavior in a loving way. The police advise that in doing so, what now appears as a civil case can reasonably be expected to turn into a criminal case which will be far easier to deal with than a civil case.
     It gradually came out that my brother has had an anger problem since before he was married in his early 20's. He and his wife are still married even though she has attempted to leave him a number of times. He is also very much a controller and very insensitive to the feelings and needs of others. My brother and I always seemed to get along well until almost immediately after our Dad died 8 years ago. He subsequently sent me dozens of hate mails listing all the "crimes" I committed against him going back to almost the time we were kids. I could not see any more than a grain of truth to any more than 5% of them. The rest were so over the top delusional that I entertained some doubts about my own sanity -- as if I had another persona that I wasn't aware of. I have often wondered if my brother is now targeting me in carrying out some unresolved anger against our Dad, of which I have evidence to support.
     I would love to step down as president of the homeowner's association, but if I do, then there is a definite and pervasive fear that our neighborhood BPD would bully his way into the position. He is not shy about setting his own rules and intimidating neighbors into concessions that benefit only him and at the expense of the association.
     The property damage is to our own property. Unless it's clearly vandalism, the police say it has to be handled through civil channels.
     In regards to arguments, I can hold my own with anybody who has a shred of reason and have almost always found amiable agreement as a result. However, I learned a few years ago that this doesn't work with people I now realize are probably BPD's. Though it has been a hard adjustment for me to transition to the proper way of dealing with this behavior, I feel it has been working. However, I'm growing tired of it and doubt keeps knocking at the door wanting to know if I'm really doing the right thing. This is especially true since we are in the stage of it getting worse before it gets better.
     Your help, support, insights, and guidance are most appreciated. I find dealing with BPD behavior to be the most challenging, and scary, thing I have ever done.

Sincerely Appreciative,

TruthLover
     

[heartandwhole]

TruthLover,

I admire your attitude toward these challenges. I think it's great that you have educated yourself about how to best manage these kinds of high-conflict situations. I can fully understand feeling drained by all this. I can relate, and that's why it's so important take good care of yourself.

I know what you mean about things getting worse before they get better. That can be a really stressful time to endure. Fortunately, it sounds like you have learned tools to better communicate with your brother and your neighbors.

Have you seen our articles on communication? They are very good, and perhaps there is something new in there for you.

Here is a short but helpful video about ending conflict:

Ending Conflict

On the same page, there are many other links (on the right side) to useful communication tools.

You have a lot going on. What do you do for self-care, TruthLover?

heartandwhole