pwBPD Move on To A New Partner So Quick?

[balletomane]

I'm not sure if anyone will agree with this but I think the reasons they move on so quickly is that

a. once we are devalued they may have already made up their mind that its over long before it actually is so they've already mourned the loss of relationship before it ended.

This was definitely the case with my ex. On the day he told me that he'd moved on and was now with his flatmate, he commented that he and I had never had a breakup, "we'd just fallen apart over months." I was already in so much pain that I felt I was drowning in it, but that comment was an extra punch to the throat - what did he mean? Now I realise that in his mind it was all over long before that day. He had gone straight from me to this other woman, but to him it must have felt different. He was, however, savvy enough to lie to people about the circumstances and to conceal a lot of things, so on some level he must have realised that the behaviour didn't reflect well on him.

It's also true that he gets very absorbed in a new love interest very quickly. He moved on to me a matter of days after he broke up with his previous girlfriend, and now I think he left her only because he could tell I was interested. For all I know he had her hanging on a string still during the early weeks of our relationship, until he was sure it would work out.

[GlennT]

They want to run away as soon as they become enmeshed with you, even though they pursued you relentlessly declaring their love, and willing to sacrifice everything to mesh with you. This does'nt change. This is the mind-blowing pathology of this disorder. Eventually, they will want to run away, and will set up quarrels with you, and/or make demands, make everything seem like you are at fault, feeling suffocated by you, so they can run, and they eventually do. It is not a normal break-up. The BPD I knew is engaged to someone for 6 months, but day and night searches personal ads online even from a hospital bed, after open heart surgery. She just told a mutual friend, "I have been running away my whole life, but now, I can't do it." She does really feel bad for what she has done in the morning, but in the afternoon, is once again pursueing an "object" of extreme interest, obsessively, without her fiance's knowledge. If you wish to continue any type of relationship with them, then you must become an unfeeling robot. You must not care if they cheat, mentally or physically abuse you, abandon you, and not return anything resembling a loving feeling.

[g2outfitter]

I'm not sure if anyone will agree with this but I think the reasons they move on so quickly is that

a. once we are devalued they may have already made up their mind that its over long before it actually is so they've already mourned the loss of relationship before it ended.

b. Once they meet someone else they fall so quickly that they forget about the rest of the world and only the new interest exists.

This happened to me.

I met my exBPD in June 2014.  Life was pretty awesome but as usual with pwBPD, I eventually became devalued in December 2015.  The problem is, I had no idea at the time.  Since I was devalued the relationship was over in the mind of my exBPD so naturally, it was time to search for my replacement.

Anyway, my replacement was found in April 2016.  I met my exBPD for lunch in the middle of May and I was informed for the very first time that she was unhappy and wanted to end things (nevermind that we made love two nights before and she told me then that she was very happy and loved me very much).  She told me I had to move out ASAP.  Hello?  I moved out by the end of May and my replacement was in her bed a week later (I still didn't know at that time about that).  She strung me along for another six weeks (texting, calling, coming to see me) but then suddenly she told me she met someone and that she never wanted to talk to me again and that I should stop contacting her.  I guess that's how much time she needed to decide if the replacement was actually going to work out.  Three months after that she starts emailing me again to recycle.  The replacement didn't work out after all.

So in my mind, it took my exBPD practically no time to find my replacement.  However, in her mind it took six months because that's when our relationship ended... .for her.

This is what makes everything so damn hard when it ends.  The devaluation occurred, there was no discussion regarding the incident, and the decision to end things was made.  Judge, jury and sentencing... .and you weren't even told you were on trial.  And during the process you are told over and over how much they love you and are completely dedicated to you.

It all happened right before my eyes... .and I still can't comprehend it in my mind.

[Duped 1]

G2-

They have zero integrity or loyalty and their love (even though they say it is unbelievably strong) is as fickle as can be in my experience. So heartbreaking.

I couldn't live with myself telling one that I wanted to marry while already lining up the replacement and then immediately jumping into bed with them. I view her as a lying pig with no morals. This is the person that used to talk down to me about my morals and she has NONE!

[g2outfitter]

G2-

They have zero integrity or loyalty and their love (even though they say it is unbelievably strong) is as fickle as can be in my experience. So heartbreaking.

I couldn't live with myself telling one that I wanted to marry while already lining up the replacement and then immediately jumping into bed with them. I view her as a lying pig with no morals. This is the person that used to talk down to me about my morals and she has NONE!

Spot on Duped!

At the beginning of our relationship my exBPD told me how her previous boyfriend cheated (mental affair by communicating with old girlfriends) on her and that sort of behavior was not excusable in any way.  She mainly said it was inexcusable because of the pain it causes the other person.  I was ecstatic that I had met someone who set the bar so high on relationship standards because I felt the same way.

Then she cheated. Seriously?

After I was replaced (by the man she cheated on me with) she eventually threw out my replacement because he wouldn't stop texting and calling old girlfriends as she demanded.  She viewed this again as being, ahem, cheated on (oh the Karma).  But that's not the kicker!  I later find out that while they were together... .she had actually activated an online dating profile and was emailing and texting men she met online! So she kicks him out for communicating with old girlfriends, while she is communicating with new boyfriends  .

You absolutely cannot dream up that level of hypocrisy!

What's good for the goose is definitely not good for the gander!

[Duped 1]

Hypocrisy indeed! She told me she was the strongest woman I wouid ever meet. In reality she was a spineless coward who lives in fear of what others think. She was the most honest person I would ever know- she lied a lot. She would never screw around or act inappropriately with another man- she did. She said she wouldn't be with anyone for the longest time after me as no one could ever compare to me-she was already with someone when she said this... .

[theitcrowd]

Wow a lot of these last comments resonate with mine.

My ex also had her boyfriend cheat on her... ( I don't know any truth behind it, I never spoke to him) but maybe it was all a lie. Maybe she was the one or maybe it was the way to groom me.

Anyway it all went onward and onward... .Also she would say she was the most honest person too but I caught her in her web of lies and had screenshots and she said I was harrasing her and stopping her privacy hahahaha... .Joke is on her she just got caught lying and she thought she never would get caught.

So glad the lying pig is not in my life anymore.

It's great to get validation from here and see people also experienced the exact same thing.

[Tlw300300]

This has been my experience in a three year relationship with three breakups. Our pattern has been two to three months of great, then 2-3 months of daily conflict about me having no empathy, not loving her like she deserves etc ... I eventually tap out and say I can't do this anymore we start the process of separating. Which we are in for he third time now.
The first time she had the replacement before I left. The second time it took a little longer. It's always the same it's my fault for breaking her heart not wanting her not desiring her etc .

[OnceEngaged001]

My ex being someone I believe to be with BPD and narcissism is very attractive in my standards. Can draw 10-20 men into her Instagram DMs without trying. She left me when we were engaged, within 1 week telling the next guy she loves him. He was a pure scum bag, does lots of drugs(she absolutely despises when people do drugs or smoke) has nothing going for his life. He cheated(which I warned her about and told her would happen, and I warned her about the kid) on her and after staying with him even then, finally left him 5 months later. Was alone for a month, came back to me, talked about marriage, kids, the future, then I got "too close," and she left again. This time within 2 days the next guy was telling her I love you and all that. This new guy, also a big drug user, I don't know much about him besides that. But yes, moving on quickly seems to be a thing, and these guys seem to not match who she is or what she believes in. Anyways that was a sideways rant. Didn't mean to hijack thread.

[g2outfitter]

My ex being someone I believe to be with BPD and narcissism is very attractive in my standards. Can draw 10-20 men into her Instagram DMs without trying. She left me when we were engaged, within 1 week telling the next guy she loves him. He was a pure scum bag, does lots of drugs(she absolutely despises when people do drugs or smoke) has nothing going for his life. He cheated(which I warned her about and told her would happen, and I warned her about the kid) on her and after staying with him even then, finally left him 5 months later. Was alone for a month, came back to me, talked about marriage, kids, the future, then I got "too close," and she left again. This time within 2 days the next guy was telling her I love you and all that. This new guy, also a big drug user, I don't know much about him besides that. But yes, moving on quickly seems to be a thing, and these guys seem to not match who she is or what she believes in. Anyways that was a sideways rant. Didn't mean to hijack thread.

Not only do they move on quickly, but the replacements seem to be very suspect.

I am a CFO, make six figures, no debt, very fit, take care of my responsibilities.  My replacement... .two years older, overweight, janitor, no car.  One week after I leave he move's into her house - he loses his job.  He files for bankruptcy - in which my ex had to loan him money to pay attorney.  He treated her and her daughter badly.  My ex eventually kicks him out three months later for communicating and sexting with his numerous other FWB ladies. I later find out he and his 4th ex wife were swingers.

This is tough for me to post because I really do not judge anyone and I never walked a mile in that man's shoes.  If I had I may have followed his own path. 

However, he seemed to go against everything she apparently looked for in a man.  I never treated my ex or her daughter with disrespect and I never asked her for a dime... .and certainly never asked her to let me borrow her car because the bank just repo'd mine.  I sure wasn't sexting (or even texting) other women when I was with her.

Again, trying to apply logic to what is mostly illogical... .I just shake my head.

[OnceEngaged001]

Not only do they move on quickly, but the replacements seem to be very suspect.

I am a CFO, make six figures, no debt, very fit, take care of my responsibilities.  My replacement... .two years older, overweight, janitor, no car.  One week after I leave he move's into her house - he loses his job.  He files for bankruptcy - in which my ex had to loan him money to pay attorney.  He treated her and her daughter badly.  My ex eventually kicks him out three months later for communicating and sexting with his numerous other FWB ladies. I later find out he and his 4th ex wife were swingers.

This is tough for me to post because I really do not judge anyone and I never walked a mile in that man's shoes.  If I had I may have followed his own path. 

However, he seemed to go against everything she apparently looked for in a man.  I never treated my ex or her daughter with disrespect and I never asked her for a dime... .and certainly never asked her to let me borrow her car because the bank just repo'd mine.  I sure wasn't sexting (or even texting) other women when I was with her.

Again, trying to apply logic to what is mostly illogical... .I just shake my head.

Very much agreed. I won't judge, do your thing buddy. I make decent income as well run my families companies. And just started my own. Stay away from drugs, don't party and drink often if at all. Never abused her. Never disrespected her family. Always tried to pay for family meals. Open doors for her, do all the chivalrous things without expecting anything in return. She noticed it. Said it was nice in the beginning then started telling me I did "too much" for her. Very illogical situations. I still can't believe the boyfriends that came after me. She also seems to not be very loyal to "friends." (Doesn't have more than 2-4 friends) these impulsive move on's make it so frustrating and painful for me. Anyhow, to continue the moving on quickly topic, I needed some validation about what was  "right or wrong" and asked my friends about moving on from an engagement quickly.

All my friends agreed that moving on from an engagement that quickly, was not healthy and right.