She did it again

[Pickles]

I was an only child raised by my mother.  Growing up I didn't realize how odd my life was, it was just my life.  She was married and divorced 5 times and I went to 8 schools before high school because after each relationship we moved to another state.
We were actually good "friends" when I was growing up because I operated with her more as a peer.  I paid our bills and made sure we had enough money set aside for food and rent.  I was also her counselor with each failed relationship.  It wasn't until the end of high school and me leaving for college that the cracks started to really show up.  Since then it has been a crazy whirl wind.

I had my first child 8 yrs ago and her poor behavior at that time ended up with her not being welcome at the birth or for months after.  We reconciled for a few years and managed along fairly smoothly.  Life seems to always be better when she gets married but as that relationship falls apart she is back to focusing on me.  She has a pattern where every few years she really falls apart and sends me mean and degrading emails and nasty vm. 

Well, she just got divorced again and my half sister (born my senior year of high school) just moved out and is getting on with her life.  I have become a focus again.

So what brought me here today?  The wheels fell off again.  The emails she has sent me over the last week are ugly and mean.  She says I am the worst daughter and clearly not a Christian because I am treating her awfully and like she is a burden.  She said she will have to try again later in life to have a relationship with the grandkids because I am blocking her every attempt.  (These are not true)  She also said that I clearly have anger towards her and frustration that I am not moving past.  (This is probably true)
After all she has put me through and to be doing it again really does make me mad. 
I am here because I don't know how to move forward with her anymore.  If I am completely honest I really don't like her because of what she puts me and my family through.  But the guilt I feel in saying that almost seems to much.  I haven't responded to any of her hateful emails this time.  I thought about this all night and have been exhausted with my family today.  They deserve better than me allowing her crazy to affect our live.

I would love to know how you move past the anger and frustration just knowing they are going to do it again?

Have any of you just decided that it is enough and you want to get off this ride with your Mom? 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Pickles:   

I'm so sorry about what you are going through with your mom.  Sounds like you became an adult at a very early age.  That's a lot of step fathers and moving around. Has your mom ever been treated for BPD or some other mental illness?

So what brought me here today?  The wheels fell off again.  The emails she has sent me over the last week are ugly and mean.  She says I am the worst daughter and clearly not a Christian because I am treating her awfully and like she is a burden.  She said she will have to try again later in life to have a relationship with the grandkids because I am blocking her every attempt.  (These are not true)  She also said that I clearly have anger towards her and frustration that I am not moving past.  (This is probably true)   

SETTING  BOUNDARIES can help you.  Boundaries are for your benefit and are up to you to enforce.  Your mom won't like them, but if you are consistent, you should gain some benefit. 

When she sends nasty emails (voicemails, texts), you might want to block her for a period of time.  Some people like to have some comments ready in advance for phone conversations when they enforce a boundary to terminate a conversation. They may say something like, "I need for us to have a mutually respectful conversation.  I hear that it isn't possible right now, so I have to let you go.  We can talk at a later time"

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT is helpful to read about.

I would love to know how you move past the anger and frustration just knowing they are going to do it again? 
Have any of you just decided that it is enough and you want to get off this ride with your Mom?   

Many people struggle with the fear of the next episode of emotional upheaval.  Some people even say they think they would feel better the behaviior was consistently bad, as the anxiety of not knowing what will happen seems to give them more anxiety.

Some people go no contact (NC) or limited contact (LC) and others go back and forth between both.  It's up to you to decide what is best for you and your family. 

The information below can get you started with some basic tools.

VALIDATION (or minimally not being invalidating), can be a productive tool to use.  It doesn't mean that you agree with your mom's position, just that you acknowledge her feelings.

The two lessons below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama.  At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE

[HappyChappy]

Hi Pickles,

It must have been very unsettling to be moving around so much as a child. It does sound like you are, understandably, caught up in F.O.G. so I’d recommend clicking on Nibblers link. If it F.O.G. there is plenty you can do, either with the self help modules on this forum, or with help from a Therapist.

But we all need boundaries to protect ourselves and our kids, and as children of BPD we were typically not allowed to form these. So again check out Nibblers link on that. But in answer to your question, due to boundaries, some of us have gone no contact, others low contact, and others are living with the BPD parent. It really depends on where you draw your healthy boundary. So for example, I went No Contact (NC), mainly because one of my NPD relatives has Sadistic Personality and had a track record of doing quiet dangerous (life threatening) things, but I think that’s rare.

You asked about moving on from the anger and frustration. Sometimes, just being heard (e.g. on this forum) can help. Sometimes working through things with a Therapist, they can use techniques such as Gestalt, that help. But also radical acceptance is something to look into. But it all takes time. But also setting boundaries, gives you back control, so can also help.

I can see why you would want a safe environment during childbirth and the early years, a smart move. But ongoing what do you see as healthy boundaries with your Mom ? Oh and are you Pickles, because of the cartoon Rug Rats ?