Ugh, so close and yet so far...

[Lalathegreat]

Thursday evening I started getting panicked texts from pwBPD about a high fever, dizzy, weak, and afraid that he couldn't take care of his son in the morning. So I agreed to go over in the morning and get his son onto the bus. I had hoped that meant he would stay in bed and I could fly under the radar but he was very anxious to get up and tell me all about how horrible his night had been and then argue with me over whether I would watch his son that afternoon or if he would send him to Grandma's (he accused me of not helping him make a decision by not having an opinion). As a result we almost missed the bus.

At any rate, the details of this weekend aren't actually that important. I was there for 2 days helping to take care of him. He was agitated for most of it, but I could tell that he was trying very hard to not fight with me. His physical anxiety was pretty intense, he kicked me out of his bed and asked me to sleep on the couch because he was feeling "stifled". Fine. This morning he asked me to take him to urgent care and then argued with me for 15 minutes because I casually said "Your car or mine?" as we were headed out the door. He seemed upset that I would even ask, that I would want to put wear and tear on his car instead of mine blah blah blah. The doctor at Urgent told him that he more than likely has a virus and he was intensely upset on the way home feeling that she had dismissed his concerns. He then tried to tell me that he would not have gone to the doctor and spent the $60 copay if *I* hadn't been worried about him. The entire time I just validated and validated and validated... .I was quite proud of myself for coming up with ways to acknowledge his feelings WITHOUT agreeing with the content of his accusations (talk about mental calisthenics!) and I'm quite certain that is why none of the issues we had this weekend erupted into the endless circular arguments that we have been known to have.

As I was pulling into my driveway this afternoon I got a phone call from pwBPD. He was calling to tell me "how great I had been" and "how he feels he wasn't appreciative enough". He then proceeds to tell me that he hopes that I understand how much he cares about me. That it's very easy for him to just walk away from people - he's lost enough people in his life that there is nothing that he can't walk away from. But when he chooses to stay and "try to help people understand him" and "try to keep talking out the problems" and that "sometimes this causes problems" it is only with people he cares about.

WHOA! A moment of self awareness! An acknowledgement that his approach sometimes causes problems! I was honestly so floored that I didn't know what to say... .and that small moment of pause ended the moment. "YOU SEE, YOU HATE TO COMMUNICATE! I'M BEING VULNERABLE AND LETTING YOU IN AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!"

Ugh. Well. It felt good while it lasted. In the grand scheme though I am feeling good about this weekend. There were several moments that could have ended quite differently if I hadn't been approaching things differently, and he did have a moment where he was open and a lot more self aware than I have typically found him to be.

Does anyone else ever seen their pwBPD have a moment of clarity? Foolish to hope anything might come of that awareness?

[nicholas]

Amazing I have had almost those exact conversations both in with my BPD and in my head. I feel validated about my own experience. The difference is I am not out of the relationship yet, but it's possible I can detach in a month or so, fingers crossed. Your conversations remind me why I'm here and she is there. Thank you

[formflier]

  I had hoped that meant he would stay in bed and I could fly under the radar but he was very anxious to get up and tell me all about how horrible his night had been and then argue with me over whether I would watch his son that afternoon or if he would send him to Grandma's (he accused me of not helping him make a decision by not having an opinion). As a result we almost missed the bus.
 

I can see you are making progress towards better interactions.  Keep moving forward on this.

Also... keep going to the big picture.

If you get over there and he can get out of bed, then perhaps he can take care of his son.  Give him a choice.

Your purpose in going over is not to relieve his anxiety... it's to take care of the kid.  You can assure him that you will be back later to listen to his anxieties. 

Keep up the good work.

When they "tell you" that you have nothing to say.  Be succinct.

"I'm ready to talk.  Let me know when you are ready to listen."  Disengage.

If... .if... .he actually listens... keep going.  But if all he is doing is "listening" to argue.  Disengage.

FF