Not sure what to do bout friends and family

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My girlfriend has BPD and she doesn't like my mom. My mom said bout a month ago that I'm changing bc of this relationship and I never see anyone else bc I'm always up my girlfriends ass. Of course my gf read this text my mom sent and went nuts. I do admit that I have stopped seeing family and friends because it always leads to a fight. There has been times when we've fought so much before I see my friends or family and decide last minute not to bc all of the fun or joy of going is gone and I don't want to have to deal with it when I get home. I know I haven't been good with boundaries and sticking to them but it's so much easier to just give in and have her happy while I feel sad inside. I hate that she can't see how messed up it is to make me choose between her and my family or close friends. I do admit my mom has issues with control over me too and has found stuff to be mad at my gf about numerous times but she's my mom I can't just stop seeing my family because of that. Right? It feels like she'd be happier if everyone in my life other than her died and I had no one else. Any ideas on how to make this better? Thanks guys

[Warrior33]

My girlfriend has BPD and she doesn't like my mom. My mom said bout a month ago that I'm changing bc of this relationship and I never see anyone else bc I'm always up my girlfriends ass. Of course my gf read this text my mom sent and went nuts. I do admit that I have stopped seeing family and friends because it always leads to a fight. There has been times when we've fought so much before I see my friends or family and decide last minute not to bc all of the fun or joy of going is gone and I don't want to have to deal with it when I get home. I know I haven't been good with boundaries and sticking to them but it's so much easier to just give in and have her happy while I feel sad inside. I hate that she can't see how messed up it is to make me choose between her and my family or close friends. I do admit my mom has issues with control over me too and has found stuff to be mad at my gf about numerous times but she's my mom I can't just stop seeing my family because of that. Right? It feels like she'd be happier if everyone in my life other than her died and I had no one else. Any ideas on how to make this better? Thanks guys

[Warrior33]

My girlfriend has BPD and she doesn't like my mom. My mom said bout a month ago that I'm changing bc of this relationship and I never see anyone else bc I'm always up my girlfriends ass. Of course my gf read this text my mom sent and went nuts. I do admit that I have stopped seeing family and friends because it always leads to a fight. There has been times when we've fought so much before I see my friends or family and decide last minute not to bc all of the fun or joy of going is gone and I don't want to have to deal with it when I get home. I know I haven't been good with boundaries and sticking to them but it's so much easier to just give in and have her happy while I feel sad inside. I hate that she can't see how messed up it is to make me choose between her and my family or close friends. I do admit my mom has issues with control over me too and has found stuff to be mad at my gf about numerous times but she's my mom I can't just stop seeing my family because of that. Right? It feels like she'd be happier if everyone in my life other than her died and I had no one else. Any ideas on how to make this better? Thanks guys

We have recently gone to one session of couples therapy and when I brought up seeing my mom and friends she went crazy again. She kept saying that it's never going to get better. And focused only on my mom so I restated it's not only my mom she's done this about. It's also my other family members and friends but all she could focus on was the most recent person she hates, my mom.

[Notwendy]

It is tough to be in this situation. It's also hard for your mom. There are posts on the family thread from heartbroken moms who voiced concerns about the relationship- BPD gf knows it- mom is painted black- son has to choose for as your gf says- it may not get better for her.

It may help to see the selfishness in this demand. Parents may have their flaws but even so- they love their children and have made countless sacrifices over the years for their children's welfare. It is important for adult children to not succumb to over demanding parents but unless that an extreme situation- cutting off a parent is an extreme choice. This is painful for you and is likely to break your mothers heart. Yet your GF demands this cause it will make her feel better.

I think your choice is to decide your boundary over this. Is it acceptable to you to cut off your family and friends? If it isn't - don't do it. She may not be happy about this - it may risk the relationship. But these are her terms - not yours or your mothers.

My own experience over this is a bit jaded. My father was in this situation with his own FOO. He rarely got to see his mother although he did see her on occasion. His family didn't like my mother and it was mutual. But your mother isn't the only other woman who loves you and may appear to be a threat. Daughters grow up. I also naively expressed concern for my father. So he was put in that situation and he chose my mother. I didn't expect my father to leave the relationship with my mother - but I do wish he stood up for his relationship with me. You can make your own choices but if you don't stand up for your right to have a relationship with your family - I don't know if it is likely to happen for you.

[formflier]

Talk about being in a pickle... .        

Stay big picture.  

Inform the women in your life that you appreciate them and they are valuable to you.  Tell them that if you need further input on managing your "other" relationships, you will be sure to ask.

Assure them that you are open to discuss your relationship to them and look forward to improving that relationship, as time allows.

Then... .stop discussing other relationships.

Any chance you can pull this off?

FF

[Torched]

For me, what you are describing was one of the enormous red flags I folded up and put in permanent storage.  I gave up my family and many friends for her "so she could feel better."  Thing is, she never "felt better."  Even when I participated in the alienation, there were still holidays.  My kids were born, and family wanted to at least see them, causing massive problems.  If I could go back in time, it would have been much easier to just break up.  Of course, I would have never had my two incredible children.  I also wouldn't have had an alienated family and ended up finally coming to resent her after twelve years of marriage.  That led me to cheat on her in order to finalize my decision to leave because I wasn't able to set boundaries and didn't think I could break free without the nuclear option.

Please think a lot about what you are saying.  This is a big deal for you and there is a lot at stake.  I can't imagine the guilt I would feel at this point had my parent(s) or sister died during the time I allowed myself and my children to be alienated from them.

[Krato]

You will learn to not take her reactions personally. Go and see your friends and family as you like or even invite them over. Yes, she will rage but you will get used to it and eventually it won't bother you much anymore as your skin grows thicker and thicker. This may also be a good opportunity to come out of the closet. As your close ones witness her raging with their own eyes, they will understand better any actions you may later take with the relationship.

This has happened in my relationship. My friends and family now know she's messed up and I don't have to cover her actions anymore. I even feel joy sometimes seeing her doing her thing in front of my family. It just gives me more and more reasons and justification to leave her when the time is right. Only thing that makes me sad is that my parents obviously want what's best for me and I think they know I'm not happy in my life with her. My parents are already pretty old so I don't want them to die thinking their son had a miserable life because of this one person I got involved with. I need to make things right before they go. I owe it to myself and to them.

I can only speak for myself, but if she threatened to leave me because I choose my family and friends over her, that would be the ultimate jackpot. But she'd never follow through with it. Of course invalidating you SO like this is not acceptable in any healthy relationship. But she's not healthy, your relationship is not healthy and many of us are not healthy anymore either because of them.

[Notwendy]

I think FF makes a good point that you can tell other people that if you need advice about your relationship, you will ask. If I too was not in rescuing mode, I would not have said anything to my father about my mother, but at the time, I didn't know any better.

I also wish to mention forgiveness. You didn't come with instructions. Your mother may have transgressed your boundary by expressing concern about your relationship. However, unless your mother is abusive, I don't think she did this with bad intent, but out of concern. Your GF may not be able to forgive her, but you will need to decide if your mother deserves to be cut off for this or if you choose to forgive her.

I wanted to mention something about your GF reading the texts from your mother. That too can be a boundary. It isn't necessary to read each other's personal correspondence between another person's family members. You can have a one on one relationship with them if you choose.

Whether or not you stay in this relationship, or another one, or are single- it is important to have personal boundaries. If you have difficulty maintaining them, it is something to consider about yourself. She can demand you give up your family and friends, but it is up to you to decide to defend this boundary or not. It may come down to the decision of having to make a choice- but that is her terms of this relationship. Me or them. You choose.

I gave up my family and many friends for her "so she could feel better."  Thing is, she never "felt better."

This seems to be a trend I have observed. When we give up on a boundary to make someone else feel better, the result is often temporary for them. Yet, giving up something that is meaningful to us doesn't make us feel better. It may bring some peace between you in the short run.

For the family members who have been discarded, it's a difficult decision to accept. I don't think they imagined that an entire relationship with their family member would be tossed over some well intended but misguided words, or they might not have said them.

[formflier]

I would think that most people would want their Mom to speak up.  They know you best and are uniquely situated to watch you mature and change (not all change is "maturing"...    )... .

I would also think Mom is the one that it is easiest to thank and set a boundary.  Basically that you appreciate the concern but will sort this out on your own.

My guess is that after a month or two, when you figure out you would like some Mom advice... she'll take your call and won't give you any grief over not listening sooner.

Now... .if the r/s with your Mom is much different than that, it would likely be a good place to explore in T.  My understanding is that the r/s with your Mom (and dad) are the foundation on which future relationships are built.

Thoughts?

FF

[Notwendy]

I think in general, what FF says is true. Moms know you best, love you, and want the best for you in most cases. They are also likely to welcome you back with open arms for any kind of relationship they can have with you. Keep in mind, they loved you through your teenage years.  


I spend time on the family of BPD board ( BPD mom) and it is sad to read the posts from parents who have been cut off from their child and grandchildren because the BPD spouse was angry at something they said. There are also posts from children of BPD parents who truly have a difficult time making the decision to cut off contact with a parent- even a parent who abused them. It is generally considered a drastic thing to do - often a last resort when they have tried to maintain a relationship.  In some cases, it is the best decision for them, but it isn't an easy one.

Comparing this to the sons who cut off contact with their mother because they offended their partner and it somehow doesn't seem fair. It surely is a tough decisions for the sons.

But fair or not, it happens. If I didn't experience this as an adult daughter when my BPD mother was angry at me, I wouldn't believe it could happen. But I believe it now.

I also believe in free choice. It is your choice to make. For the family members- it is our task to accept it.