Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 10:40:27 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
81
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: How do I tell her and myself what best for me?  (Read 426 times)
nicholas

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 14


« on: March 12, 2017, 05:52:19 PM »

I have removed myself from the day to day mayhem of my relationship. I am becoming closer to old friends and family, and most important my old self. I feel more patient and kind to strangers and with my own thoughts. I have yet to tell my girlfriend/fiancée that I want out... .I have to first convince myself (even though my heart knows what I should do) especially reading all of the struggles of the posts on this site that remind me so much of my own experience. Then once I convince myself that this what I should do, I have to tell her. I am having difficulty ending it for good. I will have to either move in with her and her mom in about two months, or tell her (and my habitual thoughts of us being together) that it is over. We became quite codependent on each other and I feel like she is both my best friend but lately more like she is my enemy. I just feel tense at the thought of talking/arguing with her about whatever issue is the current one. I used to be called names, and I haven't been called anything negative in the past two weeks, it's wonderful and I don't know why I would go back to the abuse except for old habits or I really can't figure out why I would, but it seems too hard to end it fully... .any thoughts would help. Thanks
Logged
Freakedout66

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2017, 06:03:38 PM »

There's no good time. It's hard and painful. Have you tried couples' counseling?  I wish we had. I suggested it after a breakup and she said no.
Logged
nicholas

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 14


« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2017, 06:10:02 PM »

I don't think she would go to counseling. If I choose to be with myself again, I have to stop thinking about what she will or won't do, it's my only chance to move on. She is classic BPD in the sense that she only infrequently realizes the impact she has on me, and therefore does not see counseling as a way to move forward.
Logged
Freakedout66

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2017, 08:00:20 PM »

Sounds like we are with similar women. It took me two breakups and repeated behavior to make the move. I was hung up on fear of making a mistake because I truly love her; she says I can't if I'm leaving. I also put a lot of effort into the relationship so I didn't want to give up. But I was emotionally wiped out. I talked myself through and there was a blow up and I simply had enough. Be patient and kind to yourself. You've been through a lot and are probably feeling beat up.  As goofy as it sounds sometimes... .you aren't responsible for her happiness and you were meant to be happy.
Logged
nicholas

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 14


« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2017, 08:31:44 PM »

Thanks for the support, one of the main things that goes through my head is that there won't ever be someone that loves me or I love as much as her... .but at the cost of losing a connection with myself. The old me wouldn't hesitate to pick myself. After the current relationship I just can't quite pick me yet. I'm giving it my best shot here. Thanks for your reminders
Logged
Freakedout66

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2017, 08:47:41 PM »

I understand that feeling completely. I'm there now. I bought a ring and wanted to spend my life with her. I felt as if she understood me more than anyone. She just wouldn't let me understand her. I'm scared about the future but I'm not feeling the stress of a BPD partner.
Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2017, 11:32:10 AM »

Hey nicholas, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  I ignored mine and it led to a lot of pain and hardship.  Like you, I knew something was wrong before I married my BPDxW, yet I lacked the courage to end the r/s.  The price was high, believe me, for that mistake.  I don't recommend that you follow in my footsteps.

There's no good time to end it.  Sometimes you just have to pull the band-aid off even though it will hurt.

Excerpt
one of the main things that goes through my head is that there won't ever be someone that loves me or I love as much as her... .but at the cost of losing a connection with myself. The old me wouldn't hesitate to pick myself.

Rest assured, there are plenty of kind and considerate women out there who will treat you well in a loving r/s.  No, you don't need to subject yourself to more abuse.  You already know how much more peaceful it is to be out of the line of fire.  I don't miss the drama, believe me.

Sometimes the right thing to do in life is the hard thing.

LuckyJim


Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
nicholas

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 14


« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2017, 06:53:47 PM »

Thanks guys I've read your posts a couple times, and it helps me stay positive and focused.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!