Struggling: Ex recently unfriended all mutual friends

[Pretty Woman]

Good morning! I hope you all had a nice weekend. Snowing here... .first actual snow of the season. We've been very lucky! 
If you are having our weather (Chi-town), PLEASE be safe! 

I am having some issues today and I guess I could use some insight. I am hoping you might be able to help me. As I have gotten better (progressed in healing from my past relationship) I have found myself dishing out advice more on this board (rather than asking for it) but today has been weird for me and I am definitely triggered. I could really use some insight and if any "senior board members" are around, any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated as well! 

Over the weekend one of my friends asked me if my BPD ex got married. I know her GF was in a wedding recently (her sister got married)... .however I do not believe that my ex got married.

She mentioned (my friend) she was recently unfriended by my ex and figured that was the reason why. This friend really IS a friend. She did not unfriend my ex at the time of our break up because she didn't want to fuel drama (which is exactly would have happened). They hadn't spoke or FB messaged each other since the break up. 

Sure enough, I find out recently my ex unfriended ALL our mutual acquaintances. This is 2yrs after the final discard (where she was already emotionally cheating with my replacement). Of course, in my head I am wondering if it is because things are going rocky and she doesn't want me to find out. Then part of me wonders, maybe she is REALLY TRULY HAPPY and moved on.

I know NONE of this should matter but I do struggle with the fact I was very giving to this person. I gave more of myself emotionally, financially and physically than any other person in my 40 plus years. I tried to rationalize with her when she'd get upset and all it did was fuel crazy behavior which ended up costing me considerably much more than her. I struggle wondering maybe it is ME and there is nothing wrong with her. Maybe I have the issues.

I struggle with my self esteem, I always have. I was the overweight kid that was last picked in gym glass. The bad dresser (in my youth) that got made fun of and ostracized. I try to take all these things into consideration when I get down on myself... .I was wounded from this at a young age and it's a process to get past it. I know I am a good person and I try not to blame myself, I know I am responsible for some things in life and take that responsibility.

Even though I am thinking a bit irrationally today I can always sit back and rationalize things out which I truly believe is a strength of mine that has benefitted me both personally and professionally.

What I struggle with is this relationship almost ruined my career. I still have to see her sister every day and she told this person I was mentally/physically abusing her and I wasn't. I started to cry at my desk today. It's hard knowing some do believe I am a monster and I am not. It shouldn't matter what anyone thinks but these are my colleagues. It's embarrassing and something I have to live with here.

I still harbor a lot of anger towards my ex. I am angry I lost my dog. I am angry she painted me as a horrible villain when she cheated on me at least three times and lied about a lot.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. She lied and cheated. That is not someone I would want to be my partner in life. I think it kills me most that she is held accountable for NOTHING and I am the one left to suffer.

I will be brutally honest. I have wanted so badly to hear my replacement was treated just as bad, if not worse When I rationalize it I know I would NOT want anyone to go through what I did, but I feel so much blame was put on me, I want vindication, justification it wasn't all me. I know my ex has done terrible things to exes and has a trail of broken lovers. Why do I need to SEE this fail to feel better and even if it does fail, why should that really matter to me?

Not having any closure and watching my ex flit off with my replacement cutting me off like I never mattered was very brutal.  This was someone I watched rocking in my living room saying "I have frontal lobe issues" and completely disassociating... then leaving me for an ex the next week threatening a RO and returning two weeks later BEGGING me to take her back.
Crazy, right?

WHY the H E L L do I need more validation than that that something was NOT right and I am lucky she has not contacted me in 2yrs?

I know for a fact she has reconnected years later with a majority of her exes. I want to get past "hoping" this will happen to validate it's "her".

I'm sorry I am jumping around a lot in this post. I think we all struggle with the new person being treated better or being better equipt to handle our exes. I guess I need re-assurance a leopard does not change it's spots and I am not a bad person.

I am just having "one of those days".

[In a bad way]

You're not a bad person I can understand where you are coming from.
I have no idea if I have been replaced but I hope if/when I am that that person won't be as nice and as tolerant as me.
I hope my replacements get the crazy treatment sooner than I did and leave her before she can abandon them.
Maybe it's because hopefully she will realise it's her and how good I was to her, and no I am not trying to be big headed.
I know of a trail she has left in her wake.
I do not hate her I still love her but if I could hate her maybe I would feel better.

[Pretty Woman]

Well they say Hate is similar to love because they are the strongest emotions one can have. I want to get to indifferent (not caring) but I am not there yet.

[In a bad way]

Well they say Hate is similar to love because they are the strongest emotions one can have. I want to get to indifferent (not caring) but I am not there yet.

You put that better than I did, I was just thinking that most people on here have gone through the hate stage whereas I haven't.

[Pretty Woman]

I don't think it's abnormal to not go through every stage of grief. I think not getting upset would be awesome, ! Unfortunately when you are the person who was dumped there are always unresolved feelings.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sure enough, I find out recently my ex unfriended ALL our mutual acquaintances. This is 2yrs after the final discard (where she was already emotionally cheating with my replacement). Of course, in my head I am wondering if it is because things are going rocky and she doesn't want me to find out. Then part of me wonders, maybe she is REALLY TRULY HAPPY and moved on

In my detaching, most helpful thoughts were ones that included the narrative thta anything he does it really nothing to do with me but always about him.

So maybe he told all his family to unfriend me, which is about HIS paranoia and controll, not about MY threat to anyone.

Going down the rabbit hole of making anything he did about me, was well, NOT detaching thoughts, just a procrastination.

So on the same note, any of my feelings, are actually about ME, not him.  So if I am trying to make meaning of his actions, likely I have sme attachment to needing to feel important enough by someone.

One majorly useful thing I read here was about buckets and keeping my stuff my stuff and his stuff his stuff and seeing my feelings are mine, and my responsibility.

So if I assume that my feelings are mine, then I am left to find meaning of them withn myself vs the exernal.  I am left with the tool of applying self care to soothe my feelings.

So if I feel like he treated me not important, I am left with the idea of treating myself important and worthy and nurturing thta in muself.

Imo, "self" healing and self care is the best thing to do.
Only thing that works.

[once removed]

thats a lot of "should" and "should not" (feel this way) statements.

the fact is you do feel that way, and thats okay. try not to judge your feelings. feelings are never "wrong", they just are. and typically, the harder you try to tell yourself you "shouldnt" feel a certain way, the more you will. these feelings are telling you something; what do you think it is?

im not going to tell you that your ex isnt doing better, isnt happy, etc. i dont know her. im also not going to tell you "its not you" - because it is about you now. and i think embracing that idea facilitates growth.

i will gladly tell you that however your ex is doing, whether shes better, happier, worse, has no bearing on you, and that you are to some extent tying your recovery to her failure, and that can keep us stuck. ive said it before: most of my exes are all married and/or with children. happier, better, worse, i dont know. theyre different relationships, and our exes will go on to different relationships. happier, better, worse, who can really say.

having said that, it is entirely understandable, having been in a relationship where you received a great deal of blame, to desire some form of "justice" and vindication. it probably wont come in the form of failure by your ex, and it wouldnt have much bearing on your righteous anger if it did. there are healthy outlets for that righteous anger. have you found yours?

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you for the replies!

Once Removed, I think I stuff down the anger. I get mad but then put it aside. I am a pretty productive person but I still think of my ex daily.

Right after the break up I noticed my ex's mom and sister were FB friends with the new GF. I was threatened on FB by my ex's sister for inviting her to a surprise birthday... .for my ex. My ex's mom said she only stays FB friends with family.

I respected this but it hurts to know they seem to embrace this other woman more than they did me. These people were downright nasty to me and it was extremely hurtful.

I will never know what my ex was telling her family. Clearly it was much different than what she was telling me.  I think she manipulated a lot of situations to her benefit.

The logical reply to a birthday invite would NOT be from a 48yo woman:

"I know what kind of terrible person you are. If you even look at me the wrong way at work I am going to HR and your boss to get you fired".

Birds of a feather. And this was WHILE I was dating her sister (who dumped me for the replacement shortly after the birthday). I struggle with the irrationality factor but maybe that is the norm for them and I need to get to acceptance. I don't need them to like me in any way.

I am safely away from these people. I need to relish in that.

[UnforgivenII]

It was fake with you. It is fake with her.
She cheated on you. She is cheating on her.

Period

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Unforgiven,
     I cheated on someone when my ex dumped me. She came back (my BPD ex) and I cheated on a really nice person... .all to take back a serial cheater and liar.

They say "Once a cheater" but I would NEVER do that again. I felt terrible I hurt a good person because I was still hung up on my ex. That is why I don't advise dating right away until some time has passed.

So I can't say she will definitely cheat. I don't want that to happen to the person she is with, although I know she has cheated on a lot of her exes and there is a high probability. She is a very reckless person with no boundaries (road rage, impulsively hitting on others when she's been drinking). She lost over 20K gambling. She fits the bill as a person with issues. Why do I care what she thinks of me?

[stimpy]

Hi Pretty Woman,

if I have this right, your ex has not directly contacted you for two years, has met someone else and by all accounts has moved on. And then suddenly - out of the blue has unfriended all your mutual acquantenaces.

So this might sound a little strange, but to my mind, your ex is simply seeking attention from you. The reason - who knows, maybe she is bored in her new relationship and is now thinking of you differently (back to white?) or maybe it is something else. Who knows. What I would say is that this is about your ex, it is not about you.

My personal thinking is that she wants a reaction, almost any reaction will do, and if you do react, it may well lead to an attempted re-cycle. In a sense, I think she is seeking validation from you, because if you do react, then it will show that she still matters to you, and it will show that she can possibly bring you back into her life.

I had stuff like this after my discard, she would show up where she knew I would be, but not talk to me. I called it "stalking without talking". She wanted a reaction from me, that was the only reason to do it. I did not react, but I did respond last and eventually I just said that I wanted to be left alone... .and eventually she did.

So you can react - send her an angry email or message demanding to know what is up and why she is doing this or

or respond and say you've heard about the unfriending and just asking her of everything is ok and leaving it like that, or my preferred option,

just ignore her actions, and get on with your life and ride the emotions that they are kicking up.

By "ride" I mean, accept, acknowledge, feel, process and eventually move on from them. People with BPD almost cannot stop their emotions from dictating their actions, but people who do not suffer this awful disorder can control their actions and behaviours and ensure that their actions and behaviours are in their long term interest.

When my ex was in effect goading me by turning up where she knew I would be and flirting with guys deliberately in front of me, it hurt like hell, it upset me enormously, but I just walked away from her and ignored her. If I had reacted, in a public area, with mutual friends near by, I hate to think what the long term consequences would have been - not good for me that is for sure.

I think your ex is goading you.

[once removed]

Once Removed, I think I stuff down the anger.

any insight on why? i have a dad with a temper, i had some of it myself growing up, and i think i learned the lesson that "anger = bad", so while i feel it, i have a complicated relationship with it, and as   Sunfl0wer touched on, when i probe it, it tends to at least partially be about me.

i did a lot of writing after my breakup. some of it really nasty stuff that i would never share publicly, but a healthy exercise i feel, nonetheless. screaming and crying into your pillow and punching it sounds kinda messy, but likewise, i feel its a healthy expression of anger. i also did some creative writing. it did a lot of my talking for me, stated "my truth" and also built my confidence. diminished my anger as well. so, personally im big on methods that are a healthy release, authentic expression, and give you a sense of accomplishment at the same time.

you mentioned struggles with self esteem. it really sucks to have people against you, no one likes not being liked. for lack of a better word, especially when folks are ganging up on you, it can make you feel weird and icky.

its a tough balance, because i think human beings do need approval and to be liked and accepted, and loved.  ive been in similar situations, and while id agree you dont need them to like you,  i never felt better by telling myself "theyre a bunch of lunatics anyway, i shouldnt feel this way."

it sounds like this treatment, from your ex, from this group of people, has raised those struggles with self esteem. i think exploring that is a good path to healing, both from the treatment that has been thrown your way, and with the struggles in general. vindication feels good - it doesnt heal self esteem, and the longing for it may be related.

[Pretty Woman]

Once Removed,
When I was younger I was a very angry child. I punched holes in walls if I didn't get my way. I once tripped my mother and she needed knee surgery.

I was an a-hole. Was I acting out because I was hurt? Likely. My mom still has a bad knee and it's all my fault.

At age 13 my sister dropped out of school. She had jaw surgery and never quite saw herself the same. Beautiful person but she became agoraphobic and my mother to this day supports her financially and my mother is lower income.

When my sister dropped out I became invisible. I think my bad behavior was due to wanting attention from people who were no longer paying me attention. My mom knew I would be ok so I was no longer coddled. I needed love and did not get it so I behaved terribly.

Now the flip side of this is as I aged I went the opposite route. I am not confrontational. I concede to keep the peace. I don't like hostility. I don't ever want to act the way I did as a kid. It's not acceptable. I still get angry but I hold it in. Unfortunately it festers in my head and I obsess over it because I am avoiding confrontation as an outlet.

I don't like I tripped my mother and hurt her. I don't like that I behaved like a jerk. Unfortunately now I am on the other end of the spectrum. I need to stick up for myself.

When I moved out my sister never spoke to me again. I am not welcome in my family home. My mother backs up my sister's wishes.

I think this may be why I crave attention and acceptance from people who will NEVER give it to me. I know that is not healthy and I rationalize it's not. I just don't know how to stop wanting that.

 
PW

[Pretty Woman]

Stimpy,
  That is a very astute observation and one to ponder. Her sister is now publicly posting where she never did before and mentioning how much fun they are all having together. I can only think it's to get a reaction because her sister is very, very private.

I feel there are a lot of people who would love to see my fail but I am not giving them that opportunity. I don't react outwardly because I understand what they are trying to do. I hold it in, and thank god there is this outlet which has helped me immensely.

A few months ago I had a fall out with a co worker who was my friend for over eight years. She imposed silent treatment and slandered me to my immediate co workers, some who ate it up because they are not my fans.

Today this ex friend stops me in the hall to show me a picture of her new puppy.

I think I attract the worst people in the world sometimes. How can you go from trying to get someone fired to showing them your new pet?

It doesn't make sense. I should just realize being around disordered people will NEVER make sense.

[stimpy]

It doesn't make sense. I should just realize being around disordered people will NEVER make sense.

This is it exactly  . As you say, it doesn't make sense and never will.

When I was with my ex and also after the discard while she was playing silly push pull games afterwards, I would wonder about my exes behaviour, you know, what did it mean, why would she do this... .or that, does she still like me... .or not, did she ever love me... .or not, was it all a manipulation, is she BPD or NPD or something else, will she come back again, is she with someone else now, if so, are they happy... .etc... .etc... .

But that is all me making the mistake of trying to make sense of something, that will NEVER make sense. I think we naturally look for patterns in other people's behaviour, so we can work out who our friends are, who likes us, who doesn't, and who we might consider as someone with whom we can form a special relationship with and maybe even settle down with.

And when we come across someone who is disordered, who's emotional landscape leads them to behave erratically or without compassion and empathy, we naturally get very confused as we try and work out what on earth is going on.

In the end, I realised as have so many others on this site, that the only way is to let go, move on and be with people who's actions and behaviours DO make sense.