Hi Glaciercats,
Why must everything be constant chaos with them? I have been thinking a lot lately and it's like she was never happy with calmness. She gives no respect has no boundaries, wants everything turned upside down. :)oesn't think it should be comfortable. I just can't live that way anymore. It isn't what love means to me and I have been selling myself short for far to long.
I don't think people with BPD (pwBPD) choose to have chaos in their lives. I think they really want what they believe others are able to find in their lives: stable, committed, loving attachments. However, what makes this next to impossible for pwBPD is their disorder. Their disorder, and the feelings associated with their disorder caused her to have no respect for boundaries. As Once Removed wrote, their fear of (imagined) abandonment be so intense that it overrides the needs and respect towards the other party.
Long story short, but she has been wanting to stay friends with me. I knew deep down this wouldn't work, but I agreed to meet with her and her new partner. I know this sounds crazy, but deep down I'm glad I went. Being on the outside and watching this just totally showed me how silly and fake our whole relationship was. It was like she was trying to charm us both to see who would "fight" for her. It was the silliest thing I have ever experienced. I can tell the new flame doesn't know what has hit her yet. It's only been a couple of months so she is still in the honeymoon stage. I already see how unhealthy her new relationship is. And honestly I'm glad I saw this. It has really opened my eyes and showed me just how fake it all is.
I know it sounds crazy for non-disordered people, but as I understand it have an open relationship or multiple partners is an effective way for pwBPD to deal with their disordered emotions. You see, when their fear of abandonment gets triggered by one partner, they can "switch over" to the other partner. And once the fear subsides, they can "switch back." If they can arrange it so they can keep running away, then they never have to face their fears.
From their (pwBPD) perspective, we are the problem. To them, it seems like we are always, somehow making them feel like they will be imminently abandoned -- it is a kind of denial that serves as a coping mechanism. If they had the emotional wherewithal and introspection to look into why *they* are having these disordered feeling then they would get the help they need and start their recovery. But that doesn't happen too often.
It is fake. It is denial. And it is unhealthy.
I am going to keep my distance now. I feel sorry for her deep down. I can't understand how anyone could think being so shallow is what love means. Her new relationship isn't going to be as exciting for her now that I'm stepping out. It's time I respect myself and stay true to me and to what I want and deserve.
Your BPD loved one's sense of love is shallow because underneath it all is probably more pain that she is ready/willing to face.
In any case, I think its best that you respect yourself and stay true to you. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for.
Best wishes,
Schwing
