Why do they view chaos as love?

[glaciercats]

I was just thinking about my experience with my exBPD.  Why must everything be constant chaos with them?  I have been thinking a lot lately and it's like she was never happy with calmness.  She gives no respect has no boundaries, wants everything turned upside down.  :)oesn't think it should be comfortable.  I just can't live that way anymore.  It isn't what love means to me and I have been selling myself short for far to long.

Long story short, but she has been wanting to stay friends with me.  I knew deep down this wouldn't work, but I agreed to meet with her and her new partner.  I know this sounds crazy, but deep down I'm glad I went.  Being on the outside and watching this just totally showed me how silly and fake our whole relationship was.  It was like she was trying to charm us both to see who would "fight" for her.  It was the silliest thing I have ever experienced.  I can tell the new flame doesn't know what has hit her yet.  It's only been a couple of months so she is still in the honeymoon stage.  I already see how unhealthy her new relationship is.  And honestly I'm glad I saw this.  It has really opened my eyes and showed me just how fake it all is.

I am going to keep my distance now.  I feel sorry for her deep down.  I can't understand how anyone could think being so shallow is what love means.  Her new relationship isn't going to be as exciting for her now that I'm stepping out.  It's time I respect myself and stay true to me and to what I want and deserve.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey glaciercats, Right, it's time for you to love and accept yourself, which means caring enough about yourself to avoid the drama and abuse of a BPD r/s.

You note what I regard as the "paradox of BPD": They fear abandonment but will push you away; They want love but behave in unloveable fashion; They look for stability but create turmoil; They act in ways that will bring about the exact opposite result from that which they seek.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[once removed]

fears can control us if we let them.

at the core of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment (it is a core fear in all of us, particularly intense for someone with BPD). there are a great many coping mechanisms developed over time for avoiding that fear.  over time, these become ingrained in ones personality.

if you have this intense fear, you may live with a constant dread of the other shoe dropping, so to speak. times of calm can actually be scary - deep down you fear they wont last. that fear may even drive you to act in a dysfunctional way, creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

It's time I respect myself and stay true to me and to what I want and deserve.

 

[In a bad way]

      You note what I regard as the "paradox of BPD": They fear abandonment but will push you away; They want love but behave in unloveable fashion; They look for stability but create turmoil; They act in ways that will bring about the exact opposite result from that which they seek.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim               

Too true, every time plans came together or were about to she had an episode and ruined the lot.
It was as if it was all too good to be true so she had to mess it up because in her mind it was. It was what she wanted but somehow couldn't accept it so she destroyed it.

[schwing]

Hi Glaciercats,

Why must everything be constant chaos with them?  I have been thinking a lot lately and it's like she was never happy with calmness.  She gives no respect has no boundaries, wants everything turned upside down.  :)oesn't think it should be comfortable.  I just can't live that way anymore.  It isn't what love means to me and I have been selling myself short for far to long.

I don't think people with BPD (pwBPD) choose to have chaos in their lives.  I think they really want what they believe others are able to find in their lives: stable, committed, loving attachments.  However, what makes this next to impossible for pwBPD is their disorder.  Their disorder, and the feelings associated with their disorder caused her to have no respect for boundaries.  As Once Removed wrote, their fear of (imagined) abandonment be so intense that it overrides the needs and respect towards the other party.

Long story short, but she has been wanting to stay friends with me.  I knew deep down this wouldn't work, but I agreed to meet with her and her new partner.  I know this sounds crazy, but deep down I'm glad I went.  Being on the outside and watching this just totally showed me how silly and fake our whole relationship was.  It was like she was trying to charm us both to see who would "fight" for her.  It was the silliest thing I have ever experienced.  I can tell the new flame doesn't know what has hit her yet.  It's only been a couple of months so she is still in the honeymoon stage.  I already see how unhealthy her new relationship is.  And honestly I'm glad I saw this.  It has really opened my eyes and showed me just how fake it all is.

I know it sounds crazy for non-disordered people, but as I understand it have an open relationship or multiple partners is an effective way for pwBPD to deal with their disordered emotions.  You see, when their fear of abandonment gets triggered by one partner, they can "switch over" to the other partner.  And once the fear subsides, they can "switch back." If they can arrange it so they can keep running away, then they never have to face their fears.

From their (pwBPD) perspective, we are the problem.  To them, it seems like we are always, somehow making them feel like they will be imminently abandoned -- it is a kind of denial that serves as a coping mechanism.  If they had the emotional wherewithal and introspection to look into why *they* are having these disordered feeling then they would get the help they need and start their recovery.  But that doesn't happen too often.

It is fake. It is denial. And it is unhealthy.

I am going to keep my distance now.  I feel sorry for her deep down.  I can't understand how anyone could think being so shallow is what love means.  Her new relationship isn't going to be as exciting for her now that I'm stepping out.  It's time I respect myself and stay true to me and to what I want and deserve.

Your BPD loved one's sense of love is shallow because underneath it all is probably more pain that she is ready/willing to face.

In any case, I think its best that you respect yourself and stay true to you. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Duped 1]

My ex could not handle if things were going well. She would constantly create chaos. I had never heard of BPD but I would ask her often why there had to always be something wrong and why she constantly started fights for no reason. Pure craziness. I feel she was addicted to the chaos and just couldn't help herself. It was exhausting.

[glaciercats]

Thank you all for the input.  This forum has really helped me so much.  I am trying to come to terms with everything.  It's been a long hard road but I know I don't want this anymore.  It is just to exhausting and unhealthy for me to continue with her any longer.

[In a bad way]

My ex could not handle if things were going well. She would constantly create chaos. I had never heard of BPD but I would ask her often why there had to always be something wrong and why she constantly started fights for no reason. Pure craziness. I feel she was addicted to the chaos and just couldn't help herself. It was exhausting.

I too had not heard of BPD, I did however think at the time she had a split personality.
I used to ask her why she would cause arguments over nothing especially when things were going well, I don't think I ever got a answer from her.
I know I asked her if she had a problem with being loved which I put down to past RS's she'd told me about.
I also thought that because of her past she thought or it was ingrained in her that she wasn't satisfied or it wasn't normal if there wasn't arguments so she had to start one.

[SoMadSoSad]

Maybe they want to live in the infatuation stage? Maybe once you come down from the infatuation stage and settle for the long run they think the love is gone because to them love = infatuation? So they act out to this fear of abandonment.

[glaciercats]

I never thought about it that way, but you are correct.  At first she was so infatuated with me it was almost scary.  Then when I started taking up for myself and not giving in to her every whim she started looking for someone else.  Her idea of love is so twisted.  It isn't loyalty or respect.  She wants absolute crazy madness.

Maybe they want to live in the infatuation stage? Maybe once you come down from the infatuation stage and settle for the long run they think the love is gone because to them love = infatuation? So they act out to this fear of abandonment.

[In a bad way]

Maybe they want to live in the infatuation stage? Maybe once you come down from the infatuation stage and settle for the long run they think the love is gone because to them love = infatuation? So they act out to this fear of abandonment.

Maybe you are right, I remember one night before we had ever argued or disagreed on anything she made me promise out of the blue that I would never leave or abandon her. It wasn't long after that the craziness started.