Seeking clarity

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi. First time on bpdfamily. My husband and I have suffered with his variety of diagnosis for 19 years. We only found out what it was in 2012. I love my husband but now Im finally haunted by thoughts and feelings of hatred for him due to all the abuse he continues to dishout. He also has delusional or obsessive jealousy and paranoia. Magical thinking and anti social tendencies. He is the perfect example of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. The more close and wonderful we get the increased odds that he will violently accuse me of cheating on him. It crushes me everytime. I can't even keep track of how many times he has accussed me anymore. I have never cheated on my husband or givien him a logical reason to think that. If I get a scratch or bruise its an automatic trigger for him. Its not pretty to see him take his mask off and berate me. His logic is insane and nonsensical and nothing I say matters it only makes him dig in. So I try to get away but he attempts to follow me and forces me to listen to him. Ive learned to just go mute and disengage. Its so hard because I love him and want nothing more then to embrace him. He is all I have. I wish I had a secret lover for at least I wouldnt be so alone in this.

My husband looks through my things and inspects my underwear. He has a high need for constant texting and questions me as to what I am doing on a regular basis. He stares at me darkly and sniffs me and accuses me of smelling like mens cologne. He has accussed me of terrible things that I don't wish to repeat here. He worships me one minute then has utter disdain for me the next. Its been a rollarcoaster to say the least and its very hard to get off a moving vehicle. Which oddly I dreamt last night that my car was out of control it was driving at a high speed up one way streets. My seatbelt was not on so I quickly put it on then popped two advil for the expected pain when I eventually crashed. Somehow I survived in the end. I imagine my subconscious was telling me "yeah its scary but buckle upb pop some advil and you will survive". I have tried leaving several time but I always given because my feeling of love for him are so intense and I want to believe he can change. Sadly this hasn't been true. Although certain elements have changed. He started taking Wellbutrin and his mind set is much more positive and hes less likely to be angry. So over the years there has been improvement but never with his extreme jealousy. That is the thorn in our relationship. I can handle all the other stuff but being accussed and listening to his passive agressive sarcasm is eating my soul away. Well Thanks for taking the time. It helps to know I am not crazy and these things are really happening to me and its not okay.

[behindthedoor]

Hi. First time on bpdfamily. My husband and I have suffered with his variety of diagnosis for 19 years. We only found out what it was in 2012. I love my husband but now Im finally haunted by thoughts and feelings of hatred for him due to all the abuse he continues to dishout. He also has delusional or obsessive jealousy and paranoia. Magical thinking and anti social tendencies. He is the perfect example of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. The more close and wonderful we get the increased odds that he will violently accuse me of cheating on him. It crushes me everytime. I can't even keep track of how many times he has accussed me anymore. I have never cheated on my husband or givien him a logical reason to think that. If I get a scratch or bruise its an automatic trigger for him. Its not pretty to see him take his mask off and berate me. His logic is insane and nonsensical and nothing I say matters it only makes him dig in. So I try to get away but he attempts to follow me and forces me to listen to him. Ive learned to just go mute and disengage. Its so hard because I love him and want nothing more then to embrace him. He is all I have. I wish I had a secret lover for at least I wouldnt be so alone in this.

My husband looks through my things and inspects my underwear. He has a high need for constant texting and questions me as to what I am doing on a regular basis. He stares at me darkly and sniffs me and accuses me of smelling like mens cologne. He has accussed me of terrible things that I don't wish to repeat here. He worships me one minute then has utter disdain for me the next. Its been a rollarcoaster to say the least and its very hard to get off a moving vehicle. Which oddly I dreamt last night that my car was out of control it was driving at a high speed up one way streets. My seatbelt was not on so I quickly put it on then popped two advil for the expected pain when I eventually crashed. Somehow I survived in the end. I imagine my subconscious was telling me "yeah its scary but buckle upb pop some advil and you will survive". I have tried leaving several time but I always given because my feeling of love for him are so intense and I want to believe he can change. Sadly this hasn't been true. Although certain elements have changed. He started taking Wellbutrin and his mind set is much more positive and hes less likely to be angry. So over the years there has been improvement but never with his extreme jealousy. That is the thorn in our relationship. I can handle all the other stuff but being accussed and listening to his passive agressive sarcasm is eating my soul away. Well Thanks for taking the time. It helps to know I am not crazy and these things are really happening to me and its not okay.

[formflier]

The more close and wonderful we get the increased odds that he will violently accuse me of cheating on him.

 It helps to know I am not crazy and these things are really happening to me and its not okay.

I'm sorry you are experiencing these relationship issues... .but I am glad you found bpdfamily.  We WILL be able to help you stabilize your life and start sorting through things YOU can do to find hope again.

How do I know this? 

I could have written your post... .almost word for word... .several years ago.

My life is much more stable now... .accusations are rare. 

I DO want to commend you for noticing a pattern.  You get close and things go haywire.  Very insightful and very true... .and quite unfortunate.  With guidance YOU can get a more distant relationship will which be one of many things YOU can do to help your life get better.

How does all of this sound? 

   

Hang in there!

FF