Hi guys.
So happy to have found this site and to learn about BPD. I have been doing a bit of reading after trying to get over my breakup, and a number of material suggests that my ex has BPD.
I will give some details of the relationship, and if you guys could help to understand if I was in a BPD relationship that would be great. I am kind of blaming myself a lot at the moment, constantly thinking I could, and should have done more, but then half of me thinks the opposite, and that I couldnt have done more (friends and family say this but I dunno if theyre just being nice). So, an honest and unbiased opinion would be perfect
Ok, so we were together for two years. I finished things 4 months ago. I honestly thought this girl was the one, and still kind of do, the highs were amazing, she made me feel so valued and loved at times. But, then the lows became too much to handle. Too aggressive, too frequent, very devaluing, and the highs kind of became less frequent. She used to stop my house a lot. She lives at home with parents and I have my own house so it was pretty easy for her to stop over, which I liked.
When we first got together she was quite open that she was very 'full on, crazy, insecure'. She advised me that she had been cheated on by every ex she has had, and this has made her insecure. I asked how she found out about her exes cheating, she said she saw it on there phones. Despite this, she told me that all of her exes finished her. When I asked why, she mentioned 'arguing, not being able to let go,
im crazy'.
I told her she wouldnt have anything to worry about with me, ive never cheated etc and i am very open and honest. I suppose the earliest sign of aggression was when I was a bit late for our fourth date. I had band practice and told her I would go home, get changed and pick her up after. I did this but was about 30 minutes late. She got kind of moody/aggressive and wouldnt really speak to me. I was quite alarmed as it was only 4 dates in.
Maybe about 6 dates in, she sent me a big message questioning why I have new facebook friends who were female. She questioned why I seem to get more female friends on facebook over male friends. I checked my recent friends and there were 4 new people, 3 girls (one her friend, one girl from work, and a friend from school) and 1 guy. I sent her proof that they were friends etc and also sent her a screenshot of my inbox to prove i was not messaging any girls etc. She really liked this, but i think it opened up doors it shouldnt have.
After the first few months, the arguing became more prevalent. I always get told I am very laid back and easy to get on with. I hardly ever fall out with people, its not really in my nature. My ex fell out with people a lot. She tells me how her family is dysfunctional, and she wishes her dad could grow a back bone and stand up to his wife when shes kicking off. She also tells me that her sisters are horrible and aggressive to their partners. Despite this, she tells me that her mum and sisters always tell her that she is the most aggressive one in the family...
She came to my cousins wedding, she was drunk in fairness, but she made a right scene. She was screaming at me for not giving her enough attention (I was speaking to a male friend from school at the bar who i hadnt seen in a while; she was next to me). She went to my stepdad and was crying on him, telling him how i dont give her enough attention. My stepdad told us both that he saw me going up to her, but she kept pushing me away. Later that night, she finished me, made me sleep on the setee of the hotel room, and told me she had cancelled some trips we had booked. When we woke up, she kind of just denied the whole thing, and when i wanted to talk about it we would end up having crazy make up sex which seems to be very common in BPD's.
We had a family wedding a month or so after. Basically the same thing happened but not as crazy. She was kicking off saying i dont give her enough attention.
Tbh, everytime she gets drunk the abuse seems to happen. If we go out for food and drinks, and she gets a bit merry, she always accuses me of looking at girls, or not loving her etc, this then leads to her getting aggressive. She once told me I was looking at girls (i wasnt), so she said she would then check guys out to prove a point (she did). I then said we should go home, we argued on the way back, she would finish me whilst driving back, once we got home she would say she doesnt want to split up.
Whenever she is drunk she also tells my friends that im a bad bf. She comes out with me and my friends because she doesnt like it if i go out with them without her. Infact, she never liked me doing anything that didnt involve her. If i wanted to do something with my friends i would get nervous about telling her as i knew there would be an argument afterwards.
She constantly goes on my phone. Usually waiting until i fall asleep. She saw a load of messages in a wattsapp group with my friends, there were messages between lads about girls being fit, nothing serious just lad banter, she also saw a message of my mate asking me if i was out on a saturday, i replied saying 'no i am with the gf and her family meal which is annoying'. She screenshotted all these messages, sent them herself and then showed her family... .After this I was no longer allowed around her families. I was also not allowed to her family gatherings/parties etc.
I felt like she was constantly devaluing me. She very rarely gave me compliments. She would always tell me i dont love her, im horrible to her, i ditch her all the time etc, but whenever i asked for an example, it would always be something in her head, nothing ever factual.
She was in the shower once, i got myself a can out of the fridge. When she was ready and seen that i had myself a drink, she kicked off. Wouldnt speak to me all night, telling me i dont love her etc.
I feel like i tried so hard with this girl. She was constantly asking for me to have kids, dogs, marriage with her etc, I said we would down the line. But then we would have a massive argument about something that I was unaware of, and it would set everything back. I felt like one minute we were amazing, but then the next she would just be shouting at me.
The amount of times i would be in bed trying to get asleep, and she would be screaming at me, ripping the covers off me, throwing my phone around the room would be unbelievable. In the morning when she had sobered up and we would have a big talk about it, she seemed genuinely remorseful, but give it a week and the same thing would happen.
I saw her 5 nights out of 7. Tuesdays i have band, thursdays i have football. These were the only days i didnt see her. She would say this wasnt enough. We go out pretty much every weekend, i would take us for nice food and drinks, always treat her, but she would always moan that i never see her and never take her anywhere. My friends and family always tell me that i did so much for her, but she always tells me i dont do enough.
I took us paris, rhodes, london, wales etc, but every place i took her she would kick off about something. Everytime we were in a hotel, she would get drunk, go through my phone, rip the covers off me while i am trying to sleep, screaming at me etc. She did end up going to the doctors because of her aggression, she told the doctors that her family and bf had all told her the aggression is a problem. She was put on anxiety and depression tablets. She was not meant to drink on these, but she did, and then ended up kicking off on me again.
We were on a night out with my friends (as she doesnt like me being with them without her), she saw a lot of her male friends out, she went up to them hugging them, being very touchy feely with them (she is always like this), i dont say a word, then at the end of the night, one girl came up to me to say hello and hugged me (she was a school friend), and my exgf went nuts. screaming at me all the way home. ripping the covers off me in the middle of the night while i was trying to sleep and ignore her outburst. Throwing my phone around. In the morning, we had another big talk, i said i cannot continue, she promised it would stop (this happened a lot). It didnt stop.
She just always seemed to be in a mood with me towards the end. My brother couldnt believe how she used to speak to me. Her tone of voice when speaking to me just seemed so aggressive. She was constantly having to speak to me about my 'behaviour'. But whenever I tried to defend myself and tell her that what she is thinking isnt true, she would then call me a psychopath, saying that i cannot accept that i have done wrong. The things she used to tell me were always fictional, ie i dont love her, i dont care about her, i think shes ugly etc etc. I always told her that this wasnt the case. I told her i loved her every day, and i tried to make her aware of this, but it never helped.
I finally split up with her following another aggressive verbal attack during the night, throwing my phone around and ripping the covers off etc. Also, i could not deal with the hypocritical behaviour. She would always tell me i fancy other girls, and look at other girls, and kick off even if a girl i know says hello to me, but then she would be all over guys whenever she saw them, but then kick off at me when I had just said hello. She was once punching me under the table at a meal for my friends gf's bday. I was speaking to my friends gf about work, infront of everyone as we were sitting opposite, nothing dodgy, just normal small talk at a dinner table, my ex pretended to tie her show and started hitting me under the table. We then went outside to which she told me off for speaking to my friends gf about where she works... .
It was at this time that i ended things. Since breaking up, as i guess you can all imagine, i have being struggling quite a bit. I only seem to remember the good times. Whenever i speak to friends about this they tell me i should stay well away and that it was not healthy. But i cannot stop thinking that i should and could have done more. When things were good they were great, and this is all i seem to remember lately. I feel bad as i tried so hard in this relationship. I never gave anyone so much. I suppose i kind of tried so hard to help with her insecurities etc, and to help with he mood swings, but i feel like ive failed.
The idealisation to devaulation was massive with us. All over social media she would constantly post how amazing i am etc, but then to me she would always be telling me off and always in a mood with me. I feel like i tried so hard, and i did and still do love her, for the good times especially, and i just cant seem to get over it.
Since i broke up with her, she has posted a lot of stuff online how she is having the most amazing time. Posting pictures with a lot of her guy mates. Posting pictures of her tattoos which are usually covered up. She is also posting a lot of stuff aimed at me. Stuff about saying shes more upset about celeb breakups than she is the one with her ex. Saying she just pretends her ex is dead and that made it easy get over me. Saying she is loving life right now etc. Oh and she keeps posting about how she is winning, im guessing she means winning the breakup. I try and not look at this stuff, and i have recently blocked and stopped, but it makes me feel worse. I cant understand how she can be so disrespectful after the relationship in which i tried so hard. She was literally asking me to have kids and marry her throughout the relationship, but now she is celebrating the relationship and making me out to be this horrid person who cheated and is a psychopath (none of which is true).
Sorry for the massive rant guys, and sorry for the poor structure and probably grammar. I am just sat here typing and not really proof reading.
I really appreciate anyone who has or will read this, and look forward to any advice any of you can give me. I have so many more experiences of events in the relationship but I dont want to ramble on too much. If anyone has any questions then please ask away and i will respond
