When will this torment and the tears go away

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I guess I'm having a bad couple days. I have just been in agony with the thought of wanting to talk just one more time to my ex. I know, I know... .it's the worse thing to do. For some reason, I feel that I need to tell him (again) that he was wrong with all the accusations, and now with his crazy thoughts... (apparently he's been telling people that I've had his cell phone bugged, and has it documented  ?)  I have this urgency, for some stupid reason, to try to "get thru" to him one last time, to try to convince him that he needs help.  These thoughts and fantasies will come into my head that if he truly tried, it would be such a better life than us being in such torment now. I find the whole situation we are both in, wasteful! Almost 6 years I loved this man, and also feared him. Why do I feel such devotion to a man who abused me with his awful words and rages?  I wish I could be more like him, and just block contacts on my phone, and tell everyone how awful he was, and just blame him... .and not cry anymore.  I am hurt, and want him to know that he hurt me by NEVER believing me. Why can't I just shake that and file it off to him being BPD, and move on.

I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 months, and I thought my mind would be clearer now.  But the loneliness (even when I'm in a crowded room) can be terrible. I miss the "good him".  It's bazaar to me that I have to keep reminding myself by going back and reading my journal or listening to his voicemails, how hurt I was by his rages. How is it possible to feel so connected to someone who caused you so much suffering. I should feel better that I'm not going thru that awful yelling, jealousy, paranoid accusations, abuse, any longer. But the other part, the heaviness of this "recovery" feels nothing more to me than heavy and sad.

Like I said... .I guess I'm just having a few bad days, which is why I love this board, it helps me work to get past it!

RL

[Roselee]

I guess I'm having a bad couple days. I have just been in agony with the thought of wanting to talk just one more time to my ex. I know, I know... .it's the worse thing to do. For some reason, I feel that I need to tell him (again) that he was wrong with all the accusations, and now with his crazy thoughts... (apparently he's been telling people that I've had his cell phone bugged, and has it documented  ?)  I have this urgency, for some stupid reason, to try to "get thru" to him one last time, to try to convince him that he needs help.  These thoughts and fantasies will come into my head that if he truly tried, it would be such a better life than us being in such torment now. I find the whole situation we are both in, wasteful! Almost 6 years I loved this man, and also feared him. Why do I feel such devotion to a man who abused me with his awful words and rages?  I wish I could be more like him, and just block contacts on my phone, and tell everyone how awful he was, and just blame him... .and not cry anymore.  I am hurt, and want him to know that he hurt me by NEVER believing me. Why can't I just shake that and file it off to him being BPD, and move on.

I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 months, and I thought my mind would be clearer now.  But the loneliness (even when I'm in a crowded room) can be terrible. I miss the "good him".  It's bazaar to me that I have to keep reminding myself by going back and reading my journal or listening to his voicemails, how hurt I was by his rages. How is it possible to feel so connected to someone who caused you so much suffering. I should feel better that I'm not going thru that awful yelling, jealousy, paranoid accusations, abuse, any longer. But the other part, the heaviness of this "recovery" feels nothing more to me than heavy and sad.

Like I said... .I guess I'm just having a few bad days, which is why I love this board, it helps me work to get past it!

RL

[roberto516]

Hey Roselee,

I'm sorry you are having these bad days. I have failed numerous times on curbing my impulse to not reach out. I have to start all over again. But what has helped me is to do what you are doing. It brings me back to the reality and absurdity of my situation if I were to act on it.

Just a thought, but I learned from my therapist to detach my thoughts from my self and look at them objectively. Alot of times I think my thoughts and me are the same person. They aren't though. Maybe that will help. Or maybe just you venting had already accomplished that. Take care!

[allienoah]

Rosalee, I too have suffered as you are and it is the worst! I am sorry you are feeling such pain. You are a strong person though. Over a year ago I separated from my pwBPD and proceeded to suffer from I deem a nervous breakdown. I had lost my mother, moved 2 times and went NC with him. I lost weight, cried all the time and was a mess. I did, however, get stronger day by day. I am not proud to say that after 4 months I took him back and am now trying to commit to leaving again. But it struck me when you said that you looked back at all the hurtful texts/messages and wondered why you want them back. I think we almost look at that as our "normal". I have been looking also and am getting stronger and stronger in my feeling that he is just ill and it is not going to change, no matter how much I yearn for the "lovebombing" days to return. I actually now feel badly that I am going to leave, it's just a question of when. In the meantime I have re-enforced boundaries and try to self soothe... .you could try the same. You can do this!

[Crushedbyac]

Rosalee, Im sorry you are hurting.  Your exBPD sounds so much like mine, awful, awful accusations and rages. How can they think those things are true?  Im proud of you for making 3 months, I can barely get to 2 weeks, but Im more determined this time although its just been a few days because I feel just as you do, 'if only I could just tell him again that he is wrong'. I think, 'Maybe he will be having a good day and he will understand, maybe he will be sorry... .'.  But I know that is just a fantasy.  Im trying to be stronger now, like you.  Keep strong sister!

[Roselee]

Thank you for your replies!  Truly bazaar how we are all having the same thought process. And like Crushedbyac... .constantly thinking "how can they think those things about me".  Makes me think that our partners never realized just how good they actually did have it, and that none of this had to happen. That's sad to me.  Also like allienoah mentioned, the idea of what our "normal" had turned into. Very true... .and again quite sad.

A few weeks ago, he left me a voice message, again mocking a letter I had sent him, which I thought if I received such a letter from him, I would feel he sent it with true feelings. I basically said that regardless, I will always respect the time we had, and his generosity towards me and my girls will not be forgotten, and that I didn't want us to go through our lives with resentment for each other. His response on his message (at 12:15 am) was "it's just words", and again added accusations of me being with someone for the past 2 years. But he followed it up by saying he will be calling me back, because he has to make arrangements to pick up a wood chipper that I still have and some tools.  So now it's the endless waiting of when he will call back, and what that will be like. Part of me wants that conversation so I can see where he is now, and hopefully see him from eyes that have new boundaries, and a stronger self to his words.

I like the idea of trying to detach my thoughts... .but will admit, that is a hard one, and I'm guessing takes a lot of practice. Roberto516, that's quite an accomplishment if you are able to do that!

I just want to be better and regardless, I do want that for him as well... .but I'm pretty sure that is another fantasy, and one of those thoughts that I have to detach from.  Thank you again!

[UnforgivenII]

You will stop suffering when you will finally accept who he really is... .Not Who you want him to be

[hope2727]

It takes a long time. I think of it like heroine. We all would love one more "hit" but we know it would just suck us down the rabbit hole of addiction again. Sometimes it take all I have to get through one more minute but then that minute is done and one we go. Good luck.

[allienoah]

@hope2727 it is so interesting that you used the heroin analogy. My sister refers to my bfwBPD as my heroin and every time I kick the habit I go back for another hit (verbal tirade). It is actually comforting to know that others look at it the same way. I really thought something was wrong with me. I am addicted to my bf and need rehab fast!

[hope2727]

@hope2727 it is so interesting that you used the heroin analogy. My sister refers to my bfwBPD as my heroin and every time I kick the habit I go back for another hit (verbal tirade). It is actually comforting to know that others look at it the same way. I really thought something was wrong with me. I am addicted to my bf and need rehab fast!

My counsellor asked me how many more hits could I take? I sat back and realized none. I couldn't take one more affair, bad debt, lie, rage, breakup whatever. I need some peace even if that means alone.

[FallenOne]

You will stop suffering when you will finally accept who he really is... .Not Who you want him to be

This... It's so hard for me to accept that my ex gf of 4 years, who seemed so wonderful and loving at times, who did some amazing things for me, is really just a bitter, angry, person who was just using me, lying to me and wound up betraying me...