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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Winning you over with gifts, massages and cooking for you all the time ?  (Read 469 times)
lucky013
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« on: March 14, 2017, 04:43:33 PM »

Has anyone experienced this ? or something similar ?
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PeteWitsend
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« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2017, 08:59:32 PM »

What do you mean by "winning you over"? 

if she (or he?) is giving you massages, gifts, and/ or cooking all the time... .where is the conflict occurring exactly?

In my own experience, my pwBPD wife doesn't normally shower me with kind gestures or gifts; occasionally yes, though the gifts are rarely things I like or want. (like a plaster statue of two lovers embracing... .WTH does she expect a 37 year old man to do with that?) and I'll usually get a bad guilt trip laid on me for not appreciating the gift like she thinks I should.

she will give me massages but only in response to a direct request.  She never gives gifts/kind gestures as a form of apology.  She has a strong sense of entitlement, and is pretty lousy at keeping up with her share of the housework.  Phone time/facebook takes precedent over cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc.  and if she's in a bad mood, forget it.
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lucky013
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« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2017, 03:01:12 AM »

What do you mean by "winning you over"? 

if she (or he?) is giving you massages, gifts, and/ or cooking all the time... .where is the conflict occurring exactly?

In my own experience, my pwBPD wife doesn't normally shower me with kind gestures or gifts; occasionally yes, though the gifts are rarely things I like or want. (like a plaster statue of two lovers embracing... .WTH does she expect a 37 year old man to do with that?) and I'll usually get a bad guilt trip laid on me for not appreciating the gift like she thinks I should.

she will give me massages but only in response to a direct request.  She never gives gifts/kind gestures as a form of apology.  She has a strong sense of entitlement, and is pretty lousy at keeping up with her share of the housework.  Phone time/facebook takes precedent over cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc.  and if she's in a bad mood, forget it.
We are both in our young to mid twenties

By making like cookies/cakes, cooking you nice meals, usually she wants me to help(or to just be with her in the kitchen) to keep her company Attention(click to insert in post).

Thats interesting, my pwBPD her hobby is cooking and backing so maybe its just an effect of that. Also i am a very clean and tidy person, this could be the mirroring of my personality.

Though she has only driven to my house like 3 times since we have been seeing each other and every other time i have driven. Because she said she is scared yet i said, thats no excuse. So now i say if she cant drive to mine occasionally to not bother. I guess i'm kinda lucky as i don't have as strong attachment as previous relations. Though sometimes she will wake up at 6am and say she doesn't feel comfortable in bed with me and expects me to drive her home. I just say il ring a taxi for you.
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PeteWitsend
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« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2017, 09:33:41 AM »

Well, lucky013, your story doesn't sound that bad, but it sounds like it's early in your relationship.  If she is a pwBPD, it will get worse.

I think you need to trust your instincts and remember not to dismiss anything that you find troubling, because these things only get more extreme over time; little annoyances during the "dating" phase or "BF/GF phase" can become rage inducing later on during marriage.

I'd advise you to think about what you like about her and consider whether the positives outweigh the negatives, and allowing for the fact that the negatives will get much, much worse.  If you're already on the fence with her, maybe she's not a good fit? 

and of course, all this analysis assumes she's BPD.  If she isn't you may be able resolve some of these issues with couples counseling. 

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PeteWitsend
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« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2017, 09:49:34 AM »

also, as far as wanting you there while she cooks to keep her company... .this could be a Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) or a reasonable request for affection.  I gather most women - even nonBPD ones - like to have their partner around to talk, hug, etc.  Women, eh?

So I think you need to consider her reaction if you say no (particularly if you say no, AND you have a reasonable excuse for staying away, like youre on the phone, working, etc).  Does she get upset and suddenly "split" you into a bad guy?  Does she make it into a personal failing of yours if you say no?  Does she use always/never statements?  These are the kind of things my wife does.  We could have literally spent an entire day together, but if I tell her I want to stay up and watch a movie, read, surf the web, etc. instead of sitting with her or going to bed when she wants, I'm accused of "never wanting to spend time with her" or "never spending time with her" and branded all sorts of bad things: selfish, cold, unloving, manipulative, cruel, etc. etc.
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AustenJ
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« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2017, 01:17:16 PM »

remember, kitchens have knives... .

I always tried to steer our arguments away from the kitchen so she would not self-harm or knive me... .
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lucky013
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« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2017, 03:43:35 PM »

Well, lucky013, your story doesn't sound that bad, but it sounds like it's early in your relationship.  If she is a pwBPD, it will get worse.

I think you need to trust your instincts and remember not to dismiss anything that you find troubling, because these things only get more extreme over time; little annoyances during the "dating" phase or "BF/GF phase" can become rage inducing later on during marriage.

I'd advise you to think about what you like about her and consider whether the positives outweigh the negatives, and allowing for the fact that the negatives will get much, much worse.  If you're already on the fence with her, maybe she's not a good fit?  

I know what you saying is true, hence why i am trying to finish it before it gets worse and have regrets in the future, has anyone on here actually had any success stories ?

and of course, all this analysis assumes she's BPD.  If she isn't you may be able resolve some of these issues with couples counseling.  

She has been diagnosed with BPD, has been in dbt, mindfullness etc and various other therapy for years, i have dated other girls that are similiar and can definitely tell the difference.

[/b]
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lucky013
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« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2017, 03:49:54 PM »

also, as far as wanting you there while she cooks to keep her company... .this could be a Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) or a reasonable request for affection.  I gather most women - even nonBPD ones - like to have their partner around to talk, hug, etc.  Women, eh?

I know, I'm not the typical guy with w/BPD, im not officially with her and have never said i want to be or that i love her. This is due to her having BPD as i know that the want is never ending and she will get bored if i am too easy. This is where i am unsure if i am being the arsehole or playing it safe. Hence my confusion

So I think you need to consider her reaction if you say no (particularly if you say no, AND you have a reasonable excuse for staying away, like youre on the phone, working, etc).  Does she get upset and suddenly "split" you into a bad guy?  Does she make it into a personal failing of yours if you say no?  Does she use always/never statements?  These are the kind of things my wife does.  We could have literally spent an entire day together, but if I tell her I want to stay up and watch a movie, read, surf the web, etc. instead of sitting with her or going to bed when she wants, I'm accused of "never wanting to spend time with her" or "never spending time with her" and branded all sorts of bad things: selfish, cold, unloving, manipulative, cruel, etc. etc.

Im always the one in charge, i do what i like all the time. Only thing she has said is that i have never said i actually want to be with her, im so skeptical as reading all these stories on here. People later in life having major problems the day after they get married etc.
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Husband321
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« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2017, 03:33:14 PM »

Has anyone experienced this ? or something similar ?

Yes.  Mine loved to cook for me.   Always massaged me.  Took it even further and sai I would never even have to get a beer for myself. Smiling (click to insert in post).  She wants to live to serve me. 

Until a few weeks after we were married when she told me she needs space and doesn't feel like she wants to be married.  Wants to be single and get her own place... .
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abraxus
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« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2017, 04:01:38 PM »

Im always the one in charge, i do what i like all the time. Only thing she has said is that i have never said i actually want to be with her, im so skeptical as reading all these stories on here. People later in life having major problems the day after they get married etc.

Can't speak for those who got married, nor specifically to your situation, as she may be ok, especially if she's getting treatment, so who knows.

It really depends on what you want, but what I can say is that if you do want it, remain the one in charge, and keep doing what you like, no matter what she says or does. She will be nice, and will constantly say that you never tell her that you want to be with her.  Just brush it off and show it instead by being there. No matter how nice she gets, never let your slight indifference slip, but just give her enough let her feel you're not going anywhere. Best thing to do really, is to mirror her, but a little less. i.e if she's showing interest, then show interest too, but a bit less, and if she starts to pull away, then pull away too, but a little more.

The biggest mistake people tend to make is to get accustomed to all the good stuff, and then the minute she starts to withdraw it, they start chasing for it.
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badenergytroll

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« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2017, 05:33:02 PM »

Oh yes! The food, the servicing, the sex! It was all, always, supreme!

BUT

The same way it's in elite restaraunts, hotels, brothels... .top service comes at a top price. Veeeeery hefty price tag.

I might want to reconsider going to the above mentioned elite places next time, instead. and paying cash, not cash + time + health + nerves + ... .

There's no such thing as a free lunch!
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2017, 09:08:40 AM »

Winning you over with gifts, massages and cooking for you all the time ?

Enjoy it while it lasts. Like a piece of string, this too has an ending. The question is... .how long is a piece of string?
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