Help me please...

[Manneedshelp]

confused here I shall start from the beginning I left my ex partner of some years for the love of my life... .She has had a lot happen to her in her life her kids have been taken into the care of the fathers plus when she was younger she was abused by siblings she got diagnosed as having BPD a while back but has since to her own admission got herself undiagnosed when we first got together things were great like I was on cloud 9 she was the most loving person I'd ever known to be honest she still is we one week ago were great she is 17 weeks pregnant I went for a drink... .This is my problem she hated me drinking I turn nasty not physical but words I've called her all the names under the sun though I never meant them so last week it happened again I woke up with the engagement ring on the side and to the news she was having an abortion I flipped I do everything for her I cook clean shop go everywhere with her as she's deeply depressed I want to protect her she got me arrested for the things I said I have been bailed until next week and been told by the police dont contact her... .I did... .I got drunk 2 days back and called her I couldn't help it she is my heartbeat also messages yesterday she told me she wants all my stuff gone she no longer misses me and no longer loves me I find this impossible to understand as a week ago she talked about getting married and 2 weeks ago cried to me saying she knows I'll leave her I won't I never ever would I love this girl more than life I just want her back she's painted me black to everyone but even her family members are on my side all except the most important one he is staying with her I really want her back
 and for us to have our baby boy I'm struggling so bad can anyone with BPD or nons give me some solid advice please thanks so much

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lucky013]

confused here I shall start from the beginning I left my ex partner of some years for the love of my life... .She has had a lot happen to her in her life her kids have been taken into the care of the fathers plus when she was younger she was abused by siblings she got diagnosed as having BPD a while back but has since to her own admission got herself undiagnosed when we first got together things were great like I was on cloud 9 she was the most loving person I'd ever known to be honest she still is we one week ago were great she is 17 weeks pregnant I went for a drink... .This is my problem she hated me drinking I turn nasty not physical but words I've called her all the names under the sun though I never meant them so last week it happened again I woke up with the engagement ring on the side and to the news she was having an abortion I flipped I do everything for her I cook clean shop go everywhere with her as she's deeply depressed I want to protect her she got me arrested for the things I said I have been bailed until next week and been told by the police dont contact her... .I did... .I got drunk 2 days back and called her I couldn't help it she is my heartbeat also messages yesterday she told me she wants all my stuff gone she no longer misses me and no longer loves me I find this impossible to understand as a week ago she talked about getting married and 2 weeks ago cried to me saying she knows I'll leave her I won't I never ever would I love this girl more than life I just want her back she's painted me black to everyone but even her family members are on my side all except the most important one he is staying with her I really want her back
 and for us to have our baby boy I'm struggling so bad can anyone with BPD or nons give me some solid advice please thanks so much

Reading that from an outside perspective sounds like she is doing you a favour, I know you feel like your losing your child. But in reality how would you feel about her, treating your innocent child the same way she treats you.

This sounds to be written in a very emotional state, I invite you to spend some time away from her (this includes no contact) and to give yourself some time to think about this from a consciously. You sound a very caring person and you aren't getting any respect from her. You feel desired by her actions but they're empty, she can do anything she wants you'll be there for her.


Have you done much reading on BPD and detachment ?

[Manneedshelp]

I have now yes the thing is she claims to have given me a side to her that she's never gave to anyone I agree with her surely she can't just fall out of love in a week I adore this girl and I won't give up on her I refuse to I need her and I feel she needs me she's very misunderstood I'm willing to do all it takes to get her back I'll forgive and forget everything I've defo quit the drink o am a nightmare so its tee total for me now she claims this is my only proble.m so by fixing that I pray were clear to try again problem is right now she won't talk to me and is sounding like were pretty done! She always told me ignore her words and actions like this she will always love me and would come for me no matter what so far she hasn't and its breaking me in 2 I could never look at another woman I really feel like its her that I'm meant to be with

[lucky013]

I have now yes the thing is she claims to have given me a side to her that she's never gave to anyone I agree with her surely she can't just fall out of love in a week I adore this girl and I won't give up on her I refuse to I need her and I feel she needs me she's very misunderstood I'm willing to do all it takes to get her back I'll forgive and forget everything I've defo quit the drink o am a nightmare so its tee total for me now she claims this is my only proble.m so by fixing that I pray were clear to try again problem is right now she won't talk to me and is sounding like were pretty done! She always told me ignore her words and actions like this she will always love me and would come for me no matter what so far she hasn't and its breaking me in 2 I could never look at another woman I really feel like its her that I'm meant to be with

I know this is hard to take but i have been in several relationships with BPD and the only time you have power over them is by giving them nothing they want. Which is not a healthy relationship, also if she has been in treatment its unlikely to have any chance of changing, sometimes they will read and learn books for ways to further manipulate you.

Im on here to see if i can find, any relationships on here that have worked out long term and i am yet to find any. I have read some who have had no problems up until the day after the marriage and then it falls apart.

You shouldn't need anyone, she shouldn't need you. Needing something means it can be taken away and your life doesn't continue.
I invite you to educate yourself on self-love, co-dependancy therapy and setting your own boundaries (the good and the bad can be very hard to take the truth).

Did you have any difficulties in childhood with parents or anything difficult as be causing your need that she is the only one for you.

There are billions of people on this earth and plenty that would be a healthy relationship, you do not deserve to be treated this way and aren't doing her any favours either as they partake in destructive behaviour.

I feel for you very much as i have been in your position feeling very confused and like your losing it. It may be hard, but for myself i found closure in the fact they have a high rate of cheating (emotional/psychical), it is very common that someone with BPD, will do everything in there power to keep it from you and get angry and aggressive even if you imply it.

Without proof, anything and everything could be a lie coming out there mouth.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=307417.msg12853954#msg12853954

[gotbushels]

Hi Manneedshelp 

Welcome.

To discover we are not wanted for a marriage and that our partner is having an abortion can be very, very hard. It can feel even more difficult when there is a strong link to something that we have been responsible for. In a way, we feel we're completely responsible for the results of our actions, even though the partner was involved. Many others here have gone through difficult things like this here Manneedshelp, so you've come to a good place for support.

It's very clear that you want to have this person as a romantic interest in your life.

If you're looking for advice, I recommend that you start here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704923#msg12704923
Choose the one that speaks the most to you. I do think the topic on Balanced Responses will be good for you right now.

When you're ready, perhaps you can share more about why you feel this great need for her.

I hope you find peace. 

[Manneedshelp]

Thanks for your response firstly right I will be totally honest here need is a strong word I love the girl more than anything... .She's definitely troubled and has issues but has had such a hard life believe me I know it's heartbreaking she is in now way a bad girl at all she's kind thoughtful beautiful loving and most of all she brings the best out in me she really does she's helped change me in ways I never thought possible she adores my kids they adore her everyone in her life has left her or let her down in some kind of way I am determined that I shall not do that honestly he makes me smile and lights my fire like nobody ever has things are great 97% of the time if I stopped drinking or even stayed away when I did as she begged I wouldn't be here now I just really want another chance to prove to her that giving herself to me the way she has was a wise decision

[Manneedshelp]

After last night telling me she never wants to talk to me again and never to contact her she has unblocked my wats app and has put several statuses up which got deleted the second I saw them I don't know if she's playing with my mind or misses me my heart tells me the latter its only been a week so its possible a reconciliation could be about to happen I hope so cos as you all can see I ADORE THIS WOMAN

[gotbushels]

Manneedshelp, you're quite clearly stressed. There's a lot of things going on right now with this relationship so I can see why you'd be stressed. I've been through what you may be feeling right now.

I understand that you're upset because you're not being told what you want to. You're not being given a change to prove to her that giving herself to you was a wise decision. I appreciate that it's really hard when we really want something and don't get it.

You say that you want to be strongly told that you love the girl more than anything in your life.

I ADORE THIS WOMAN

I get that you really want to be in a relationship with this person. I hear you.

I get that she can be kind, thoughtful, beautiful, and loving. She can bring out good qualities in you that you want. If my want was so strong, it would stress me out a lot too.

We're here to help. When we are really stressed, it's going to harm our ability to get these wants. You want to be with her desperately. You yearn for a relationship with a person. You are so thirsty for it. Staying away from her qualities, tell me more about how this want makes you feel.

[abraxus]

I adore this girl and I won't give up on her I refuse to I need her and I feel she needs me she's very misunderstood I'm willing to do all it takes to get her back. ...

I could never look at another woman I really feel like its her that I'm meant to be with

Do you really mean it when you say "I'm willing to do all it takes to get her back"? Because I'm not sure you're able to.

Paradoxically, the thing you need to do to get someone like that back, and keep hold of them, is to not need them, and not adore them. The more you want, need, adore, and are willing to do, the more you'll push her away.

She needs to want, need and adore you, and no amount of talking, reasoning or persuading on your part will ever make her feel that.

If you can get your head around that, and genuinely act on it, then you're part way there, but  by then you may not want it anymore.