Do they ever understand... ?

[Crushedbyac]

Do they ever have any time of clarity when they fully or even partially understand what they have done? The pain they have caused? Feel any kind of empathy for it? or  (haha) regret for their behavior? 

After 4 years (2 pretty good ones and 2 awful + recycling), it is so hard to accept that I will forever be the evil one, that he will always believe all the insane things he has said to me (things he claims he "knows" Ive "done".  Kinda hard to "know" something that is completely false.  I have never done anything even a little hurtful or bad to anyone in my life never mind the fantastic things he believes I have done "to mess him just for the fun of it because I enjoy hurting him and others" (for one of so many, currently: sleeping with his therapist that I dont know to conspire to upset him so much he kills himself (wth? why?).

Anyway, its a struggle every day right now (NC almost 1 week x2) to not want to reach out and tell him how much he hurt me, try to explain why, and want to hear him say he is sorry.  I know its a fantasy and Im committed to NC but its very hard to know there wont ever be a respectful or peaceful or mutually caring end or that he is slamming me to everyone he knows.  :'(

[vortex of confusion]

Whether or not they will ever understand is a difficult question to answer. Ex has a lot of self hatred and shame. Thinking about what he has done would likely send him into a spiral. His inability to understand is a self protective measure. If a person lacks empathy, it is very difficult for them to put themselves in someone else's shoes and really grasp what they have done.

Why do you care what he is saying to anyone else? The stuff he said to others and the stuff that he might still be saying to others does bother me at times. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it and worry about. I have to remind myself that he is going to say what he is going to say. Even if you were a saint and he was normal, it would be likely that there would be negative stuff expressed after the break up. Have you ever known anybody to speak kindly or highly of an ex immediately after the break up?

Also, I try to remind myself that my reputation speaks for itself. The people that know me personally know that ex is full of it. The only people that he is going to be able to convince of anything is his family and his friends that do not know me. Our mutual friends that know us both are not taking sides and still talk to both of us. I have also come to realize that I have slammed him to plenty of people. Luckily, my closest friends know that a lot of what I say is venting and processing stuff. I say that because most mature people see it for what it is and don't really let the ravings of a heart broken person influence their opinion much.

I tell my best friends all sorts of stuff because I know that they are safe and I know that they will let me vent up to a certain point. If ex doesn't have mature friends (highly unlikely), then they are going to twist his twisted version and who knows where it will end up. You can't control what other people think and say about you. I am saying this stuff as a reminder to myself as much as I am saying it for you or anybody else reading. :-)

[Pretty Woman]

They will "feel" that way until they NEED you.

I struggle with how you are feeling. I feel the same way but when I sit with my thoughts long enough I can rationalize it out.

My ex kept a lot of people separate in her life. While there was a group she "praised" about me there was another group she "demonized" me to, a group I may not fully know who is all a part of it, even to this day. When she finally discarded me (for my replacement) the people she had been demonizing me to, expected it. This was no surprise to them, they probably threw a party celebrating it. When she introduced her new GF they of course were elated for them and love this person.

I am the "evil persecutor" she had to escape.

I know I am not what she has projected me to be onto others, but I work with someone who believes it. Every day I have to get dressed and go to a job I love, do my work, be kind to others knowing there are several people who think horribly of me.

Based on lies.

Dating my ex really eroded my self confidence. The push-pull, telling me I was awesome and the love of her life one moment to the biggest piece of dog shyt the next really has taken it's toll on me. It's abusive, no doubt.

I know from all the mini breaks in our relationship she would go from coldly dismissing me when she found another, to crawling back in "TEARS" like I was the one who left HER, begging me to take her back when it didn't work with the other person.

It doesn't matter what my ex thinks about me. To her, I am not a person with feelings. I am a need to help her survive when no one else can fill it.

I will NEVER allow myself to be used as a need again. That is not normal and this painful experience taught me a grand life lesson.

[Pretty Woman]

And to answer your question... .they have moments of clarity but those moments are just as fleeting as their affections. They know they've hurt and ruined people. They occasionally regret it... .
but only because they can't use this person anymore. Once someone wises up to who they are, they are out of the rotation.

So their sorrows are really narcissistic and self-pitying. They are MAD at us because we wised up and they don't have us to abuse anymore, not really because they caused us pain. It's all about them, not us.

Does a three year old realize what they are saying when they say, "I hate you, Mommy!"

No. They are three. They have no idea what hate really is. Two minutes later they love mommy again and mommy takes them to the zoo or buys them an ice cream.

Dating a BPD is like dating a three year old. They love you or hate you based on their mood and what they NEED.

[bunny4523]

through my personal experience, I don't think my ex can handle "facing" the truth.  It would destroy him and possibly put him into a mental breakdown.  He is safer believing I'm the bad guy and it is easier for me to deal with him than it is for him to deal with himself.

I still work with my ex and he made accusations that I had an inappropriate relationship with my 16 year old son... .  Changed the locks on me because he thought I would steal or break things... .so i had to move out days earlier than planned.  My son started school the next week and has asthma... .it was horrible not knowing which box things were in.  So many means things he did yet he apologizes for stupid little things at work and hands me hair ties or screws he found on the floor months after I left... .why? to show me what a descent and caring guy he is.  Maybe? but who knows.  It's weird and I no longer care what goes on in his head... .better his head than mine.

I'm over needing any apology from him - just stay away from me... .that is far better than any apology I could get.



Bunny 

[AustenJ]

At times it felt like my ex had moments of clarity about all the people she has hurt, including myself. She has referred to herself as a tornado because of all the destruction she has caused in the lives of people she loves. But those fleeting feelings of clarity do not outweigh her need to fill her emptiness with drinking, purging, cutting, and impulsive, reckless sex. So even if she at times recognizes her
destructive behavior, she has no way of controlling it... .and life as she knows it rolls on for her... .she will never be able to maintain a relationship... .her dream of being happily married with children will never, ever happen... .such a tragedy

[UnforgivenII]

Crushed,
Don't you see he is accusing you exactly of what he did?

[Crushedbyac]

yes, I can see that but its is still hard to reconcile right now.  I am resolved but its still confusing. Im just learning about uBPD and how it affect those with it and us, the targets (victims), trying to put the pieces in some kind of order that I can understand too, in terms of my experiences.  Feelings of sadness, concerns, anger, not caring, caring, worry, and fear (of him breaking NC), and not knowing.  Anger at myself for allowing it and being duped in the first place and for still wanting some kind of peaceful end that I now know is not possible, accepting.  Difficult and painful right now.

[hope2727]

he has referred to herself as a tornado because of all the destruction she has caused in the lives of people she loves.

So interesting my ex told me he was caught in a tornado filled with bits of broken glass. So sad.

[Ginie]

I guess it depends on the severity of their disorder.  Some of them are more able to understand than others.  Or maybe they are able to understand it only when they meet someone else and, when the "honeymoon" period of the first 3-4 months ends, they realize that the previous relationship suited them/understood them/cared for them better.  My bf of two years broke up with me only a few days after telling EVERY single person on this earth -including friends, relatives and the mayor of our town- that we were getting engaged very soon.  And in 7 days he was with another woman.  And he never ever called me or emailed me to see how am I.  I wonder if he will ever "wake up" and realize what he did... .

[Roselee]

Crushed... .I wonder this same thing daily.  Do they EVER see the light? Do they EVER see how good things really were, and that NONE of the awful, hurtful accusations & words ever had to happen. I was called every single vile name you can think of, accused of crazy off the wall things.  Every thing from sleeping with my girlfriends husbands, even sons, and actually my girlfriends as well, to being a "coke whole", to plotting to kill him and make it look like he killed himself (just to name a few) Awful, awful stuff. Sometimes when I think back, I actually think it's fake, that there must be some mistake, he couldn't have said those things. Couldn't have called my friends at all hours of the night and morning to accuse them as well. Was this actually the same person I feel in love with?

I feel now that I am obsessing with the thought of  wondering if he ever actually has a glimpse of reality now. Does he regret, and know that he wasn't and still is not well. Did he ever really know me? In the beginning of our relationship, I saw small "pink flags", and thought, well once he gets to know me he will realize that I'm not like that. He's just used to possible past relationships having done that.  How very wrong I was.

After almost 3 months of NC, I'm just trying focus on each day for me! How to make myself better now, (that's how I feel today anyway... .which I'm taking as a good sign) I have been through a lot in my lifetime... .but NOTHING compares to what this man put me through. I tell myself daily that he had no right to do so, and that I need to be better than what he has left me to be, which is damaged, confused, hurt.  Trying to learn why I allowed this to happen to me for so long, is my battle that I need to work on now, and learn from it so as to not ever go through this type of trauma relationship again.
Try to work on being there for YOURSELF right now. That thought tends to help me, knowing that every day that passes, I am a little stronger than the day before.

[Duped 1]

I don't think my ex will ever understand the depth of hurt that she caused or the impact of her horrible behavior on others. EVERYTHING is someone else's fault. She absolutely will not take ownership of her behavior. EVER- even when it is obviously clear and the facts support her being wrong in every way-she isn't and will talk in circles forever rather than ever admit fault. My 4 year old nephew is more emotionally mature.

[Crushedbyac]

Thank you for your replies.  Roselee is helpful to hear that others have gone or are going thru similar situations (I wish you hadnt), especially with the awful awful accusations and name calling, because I feel so isolated and that maybe I'm crazy most of the time. Your difficulties sound too, too familiar and Im sorry you had to endure that.  Today is 1 week full NC and Im feeling stronger and better every day even tho I know its just the start and Im sure there will be attempts to contact me, but at least I'm not going into full panic mode every time my phone flashes.  It would have been 2 weeks, but I was stupid last week and answered the call. grrrr! of course it was just more of the same, why did I think he might say something nice or actually be sorry?  Makes me feel so dumb.  That number is now blocked too which he seethed is "insulting" (that I have blocked him from everything).  Which after all of his abuse, and at this point, I really dont care that it upsets him anymore, and I think that is a good sign too.  However, as discussed above, its the how, why, will he ever... ., and trying to accept that there is no peaceful or kind end, that keeps me ruminating currently. I know its part of the detatching process and I will work thru it in time, but having this support here has been so invaluable to me.  Thank you all!

[Pretty Woman]

It gets harder before it gets easier but it does get easier. Time does heal as long as you don't dip your toe back into the water... .then it's back to square one.

[Aesir]

With my ex I don't think so. It seem she realized  there was a problem on some vague level but that realization did not keep her from acting out or finding help. She was far to self centered to take full responsibility of the situation and will not own up to it.

[kentavr3]

For my opinion , they don't. Their strong defending mechanism doesn't let them do it. If they understand, their false word will collapse.