Need help Husband has revealed his suicide plan to me

[tonepoems]

So this is my third post here and I thought things were stable, but everything has suddenly taken a turn for this worse and I could really use some help.

Per previous posts, we have an unofficial diagnosis with a full psychiatric evaluation happening on March 31. This "limbo" has wreaked havoc on our lives. My husband feels he's a monster, he is tired of things being wrong with him (as he says it) and feels tapped out.

This morning he said he was at peace with himself because he finally figured out how he was was going to do  kill himself. He said he will either do it with my support or without and it was a courtesy to tell me. From the timeline he described it sounds like I have about a month to work with - sometime before his birthday in May.

He said if I tell his therapist, parents, or call 911, he will just disappear and do it without me. No amount of pleading or how much I need him to be around is convincing. He says he can't love me if he hates himself so much. He warned me if he's admitted into a hospital, he'll just say all the right things and wait until he's out.

Please, what do I do? If I contact anyone, he'll see this as a betrayal and I risk him disappearing. I'm worried, scared, and I just don't know what to do. He only sees himself as a burden.

After telling me this, he's just like - ok, let's go to brunch! And then played video games later in the day. My crying only shuts him down. If I try to point out BPD success stories, he says he's not inspired by other people's experiences because they're not him. I try to validate his feelings and show compassion, but I'm also terrified.

Do I contact his therapist? Will his therapist tell him I contacted him? Please help me - I'm not sure what the best course of action is here. I'm open to any advice. Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[micWel]

Hi,
I don't have have much experience dealing with threats of suicide. Only my son threatening it (very obliquely) via text messages. I didn't know what to say to him  (he doesn't like any kind of direct confrontation) so I didn't say anything. But, I sure worried and will worry the next time it happens. On the brighter side, you mentioned that your husband has a theapist. I envy you a great deal. If only my son had a theapist  that he trusted as a helping adult. I can only hope that you and/or the theapist can bring your husband to a better place. Take care.
MICWEL

[Naughty Nibbler]

tonepoems:    

I'm so sorry that your husband is indicating he has a suicide plan.   That is a tough situation to wrap your arm around.  I can't imagine the anxiety it must be causing you.  You have to take his comments seriously.  Since he is referring to a date down the road and not talking about immediate suicide, calling 911 now might not be your best option.

I'd call his therapist in private and share everything he shared with you.  People do make future plans and follow through on them.  I've had that happen in regard to people I knew in the work place.

Has your husband been put on any meds?  

The resources at the links below could be helpful.  Suicide Prevention Hotlines can be a resource for your support, as well as for your husband.  You can reach out and take things over with someone on a hotline and discuss everything your husband has indicated.

SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS

SAFETY FIRST

SUICIDE PREVENTION

INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE RESOURCES

[Mutt]

Hi tonepoems,  



I'd like to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily. Anxiety and depression is very common with pwBPD, usually therapists like to treat the anxiety and depression before they treat BPD, maybe that's something that's worth mentioning to his T. Often the BPD traits are better after the anxiety and depression is under control.

Naughty Nibbler gave you resources to hotlines, it helps to talk to a compassionate person on the phone, their very professional and they can help you with creating a plan.

I can just imagine that you're anxiety level is through the roof. We're here 365/24/7 for you, this is a place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated, i'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to others just like that have gone through something similar. What is your support network like in real life? Do you have a T?

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sorry to hear that.

I've experienced something similar, and it is very scary. I've known my GF for a little more than 3 years, and she's been talking about suicide from day one. She was a victim of abuse when I met her. And she told me she'd probably had killed herself if she hadn't met me. I know she is serious, as I've dealt with suicide thougts myself when life seemed just too difficult to be worth it, and it doesn't feel as big of a deal when you think about it. And because she tried twice in her late teens.

She has kids now, so, she feels responsible. But at the same time, she feels she's damaging them by her "unworthyness". Periodically, a black wave comes, and this is the only thing she would think and talk about. And it is scary, even when it is planed and not inminent, as it's your case.

She just told me today again, not any plan, just "I might just as well die today. I can't deal with this ___e. I just can't." and "I should just end this. I am tired of living like a useless human being".

And then 2 hours of silence, so far. And I'm scared and I long to hear anything from her, but I'm scared what she might say, and I want to scream and cry... .But I have to be the strong one. I'm worried she feels this bad, I suffer from her, but I try not to fear that she will actually do it. She has to make plans for the kids, as they are not mine, and I wouldn't have a claim on them. She usually calls her ex, even as he's been the worst father and the kids barely know him. This man hangs up on her, so she can't beg him to take care of them... .And eventually, the black wave goes away, and she stops talking about this, and show signs of hope. But no talk about being sorry, better, or reassurance that she's not thinking about that for the moment.

She also told me she knows how to do it without anyone finding her and saving her life, as it happened in her past. It gives them some peace, to think they can take that door and end their suffering. And that peace can be good and can take them out of the black place, I hope it eventually does it for your husband.

Maybe he has some dream. Last time it went really scary, I could plant an idea in her mind that worked. "You can't die, we still have to go to (this place she dreams about going)".

It is really unfair, but if we show them how they hurt us, that makes them think we'd be better without them. And then it isn't easy to feel that we also have a right to have feelings. Learning and knowing helps to some point,, but as someone wrote here, it still sucks. Her diagnosis is pretty recent, and her T fall sick right after that, so she hasn't had any more sessions after the diagnosis, and I find that dangerous. She calls herself monstruous names, and all the words for crazy and unfit.

Some days I found myself thinking about my life after she commits suicide, or after she leaves me; and that makes me miserable. Because everything seems lost a lot of times. I don't know if that's good. But I know I do my best to prevent that, but I'm not her. It might still happen, whatever I do, so I have to try not to blame myself. I don't know who to talk to, her family is the most invalidating people I've met. They did this to her. She has asolated herself from friends, and friends are not commited and faded away. She talks only to me, and in a forum for anorexia, where she had some "friends" die along the last months. I don't have access to her therapist, even if she wasn't on sick leave. My GF is very careful with privacy, and I try to respect that. But I think that if I could, I would tell. They (therapists) wouldn't give you away, if you insist on that.

I wish I could talk to someone, but she hates that. She wants to leave me only because of that sometimes, imagining she is my topic of conversation with my family and friends. And she understands that I need to vent. So I don't do it, even if she doesn't believe I don't do it. I only talk about this anonymously. This would also wear down my relationships, as in they won't call me to hear me moaning about my life. And I try to see friends when I can offer something better. I'm considering therapy for myself, but it would weight on her too. "Ohh, poor saint boyfriend needs therapy to deal with his crazy girlfriend". That would really make her feel unfit. I don't want to do anything behind her back. I'm not a good liar.

Check the links Naughty Nibbler gave you, to be prepared to do anything in your power. But also know that postponing is a good sign, if he can wait, there is hope. That means chances of him finding something to keep him going.

Best of luck, and keep us posted.