another piece of the puzzle

[caughtnreleased]

Over the past few days I have been thinking about the trauma I experienced as a child from a BPD raging-lonely child mother, and a passive aggressive father. For the longest time I really put the blame on the aggressor: my mother, who raged at me. However I have realized that my trauma and fear really are about group dynamics - are more specifically triangles. I've been thinking about how my father essentially, abandoned me to my mothers rages, while also passive aggressively encouraging me to fight her and therefore worsen the rages. Probably from the time I was seven until I finally stopped opposing her. I couldn't really understand why I had such a fear of men really - and it was more a fear of being let down and left in a place where I would be exposed to abuse. And I finally figured it out. I thought about it last night, and I awoke in the night a remembered a dream: I was actually really really angry with my father. He was telling me I was lucky that some friend had done something for me and I was shouting at him that in fact I was the one who had done the work. I wasn't lucky, I had worked hard at something. I rarely have had anger against my father, but last night it came up in that dream. It was strange, but it felt good, like a bit of a release. I feel as though he betrayed me. He kept me trapped in his dysfunctional marriage. Horrible. No wonder i'm terrified of couples and coupling up. Honestly if they had separated, I don't think I would have this level of trauma.  How do I overcome this ? I have read about the symptoms and I have all the symptoms of trauma - I pretty much avoid getting close to men. I doN,t feel at ease. I am always afraid they will betray me not from a cheating perspective but that they won't look out for my well being if I put my guard down.

[caughtnreleased]

I had a dream last night that told my mother that when I was growing up, I often questioned whether I was her biological child because she treated me so poorly - because she rejected me. In my dream, my mother cried when I told her this and I felt so much sadness for her.  It feels like another emotional release though... .as though I see my mother more clearly - not just as a mean angry woman, but rather a very fragile one.

[heartandwhole]

Hi caughtnreleased,

Have you had any more dreams about your parents? It sounds like you are getting some insights from them, which is great.

I hear you about the feeling that your dad contributed to the abuse in your family with his behavior. That is hurtful and so difficult for a child to comprehend.    My father appeared to be the passive one in my family dynamic, but over the years I've realized that in a way, he controlled the whole family. It was a surprising realization. Of course, I think I could say the same about my mom and brother, all in different ways.

Your ability to feel compassion for your mom is heart-warming. Has the feeling evolved? Where do you stand now in relationship to your parents and the environment you grew up in?

heartandwhole

[caughtnreleased]

Your ability to feel compassion for your mom is heart-warming. Has the feeling evolved? Where do you stand now in relationship to your parents and the environment you grew up in?

heartandwhole

Thanks for your kind words heart and whole. I understand that my mother is suffering, however I also realize that I must exit the state of "victim" in this triangle, which I often seem to put myself in and then my parents go too far and I push back and suddenly I become their "aggressor" and they can't handle my push back.   Things with them fluctuate.

It's strange but since I had those dreams, I received the news that I received a prestigious award for school work I am doing. I shared the news with my mother. Without acknowledging the award she asked me if I had received my grades and if I would actually pass the courses I am taking. In the moment I did not react - it took a while for the emotions to come up - but I started to devalue my award, the work I am doing and myself. I had to take some steps to get over this. I did then get somewhat angry with my mother for being so toxic, but that also did not last long.
I sought support and advice in other places.

I essentially have to find what my mother and father were unable to give to me and when that happens I will no longer have any reason to care about her meanness. I think I have been reacting to it because I don't have the support that I need in my life - this takes a while to find and then accept. It's happening - very slowly, and I continue to have to work on believing in myself. But slowly slowly I think I am leaving their toxicity behind. 

It's really crazy how vivid my dreams were. What a coincidence that my dream was about recognition and here I am once again living the dismissal that deep down I seem to be really angry about. When i had these dreams I was waking up at 4am crying. This has stopped. It seems like a lot of sadness was liberated there. I believe I worked through some important things there.

I find it so interesting about your family dynamics. It is only very recently that I realized that my father is incredibly patronizing towards women - his wife and daughters included. I realize that a lot of the anger that my mother directed at me was provoked by my father who I always thought was my protector. It really is a huge mind warp and abusive and it has taken me a lot of work to get here. I believe my father took advantage of my mother's emotional volatility and manipulated the situation.  I don't fault my parents for the emotional chaos, but what I currently am not able to forgive is the gaslighting. They went to very very great lengths to warp my mind so that I doubted and continue to doubt myself. I think of all things, this was the most harmful that they did. It's one thing to do this to an adult, but to do it to a child is almost sadistic.

I have lost so much respect for my father actually - I almost find him more toxic and manipulative than my rage-y mother. I have caught him lying outright to me - whereas my mother will say "I don't remember" if I put her in a corner and will divert the subject. But my father - I witnessed him so obviously lying to me I felt pity for him - that he would treat his own daughter this way. I was dismayed, shocked and I lost so much respect for him - respect which he cultivated by driving my mother crazy... .yuck. I'm so disappointed that I had this kind of father really. And to think - I was his golden child. I took this topic up with my sister recently who is my mothers golden child - I asked her if she thought our parents had favourites. My sister looked like she felt attacked by the question and she told me that no one ever defended her - that my father was always defending me. It's true he SOMETIMES supported me, but it was simply taking sides in an argument - which made my mother hate me even more and treat me as her rival. We were three women being manipulated by him. It took me such a long time to see it. And now I do. Woops I think I went a bit long. oh well.

[heartandwhole]

I did then get somewhat angry with my mother for being so toxic, but that also did not last long.
I sought support and advice in other places.

First off, congratulations on that award! Your work has clearly impressed many people, and that is something to celebrate.  I love the way you "sought support and advice in other places." I think sometimes, as sad as it is, we have to learn this hard lesson. That the people we needed (in my case, I still feel the need—perhaps it's the child in me) so much then were/are simply not capable of supporting us.

I think I have been reacting to it because I don't have the support that I need in my life - this takes a while to find and then accept. It's happening - very slowly, and I continue to have to work on believing in myself. But slowly slowly I think I am leaving their toxicity behind. 

I really hear you, and can relate. I'm glad that you feel the forward momentum. It really is baby steps, but they add up to big shifts.

Woops I think I went a bit long. oh well.

Not at all.  In my experience, too, there are layers upon layers that are revealed. I like to think the next onion skin is peeled away when we are ready. Perhaps that too romanticized a notion, but I do see it as a kind of spiral, where we come back to the same issues again, but always from just that rung higher—because we've learned, or grown, or, as you say, felt something all the way through.

This sounds like a fruitful path for you caughtnreleased. Do you record your dreams?

heartandwhole

[caughtnreleased]

Thank you Heartandwhole for your message and your congratulations! I am proud of the recognition I have received.

Regarding my dreams, I actually don't record them generally speaking - except to sometimes write them here. But that week that I was having those dreams, they were just so vivid and I was waking up right in the middle of them and mentally taking note of how vivid and symbolic they were so I was able to easily remember.

I actually had a third dream that same week which I remember: my ex boyfriend (npd traits) who I have been NC with for almost 8 years now had flown into town to see me but he was with his Dad (his parents always controlled his life very closely). There was a huge commotion because my family and childhood friends were all gathered around him and were very, very serious because he had come to tell me something very serious except he told all of them first, and no one wanted to tell me what this news which he had come to tell me was. Even he couldn't say it. I started to get the feeling that he had transmitted a deadly disease to me. But everyone was still refusing to tell me - simply looking very concerned, telling me it was bad, very very bad.

I felt unable to respond to the situation because no one was telling me what it actually WAS. Finally someone told me that yes he had a deadly disease and likely transmitted it to me and I just said: Oh no, I protected myself the whole time I was with him.

And poof - the whole dramatic situation evaporated in a an instant. How weird. That ex boyfriend was like a ghost returning to me. It was so strange - although it was so fitting he was with his father. His family never liked me because I was a foreigner and lived in a foreign country and I could possibly steal their son from them. I think they were extremely worried by his decision to follow me to my home country. 

I am enjoying writing these dreams down though - I think there's some very deeply buried emotions that were rising to the top that week. Thank you for your support Heartandwhole.